"intimacy"

[Judy2]

the days keep getting rougher and the despair has been building up a bit. although yesterday, post-symptom, i told myself with surprising calm that one day i'll have this figured out, and i'll be just fine. 

then tonight - as my anxiety had quite reliably predicted - things escalated a little bit. eventually i just walked out the door, took my bike and cycled around the villages until it got dark. there was no anger - just a lot of sadness and despair. when the emotions got too strong - and heaven knows how i did this, because i usually don't manage - i started with that stupid alphabet skill, saying out loud fruits and then boy-names in alphabetical order. i stopped, thought again about my dire situation, felt more despair, cycled up a hill and eventually back home. then my mother said she wanted to talk to me and, again, i don't know how, but i actually pushed through, got that massage ball to run across my wrists and knead in my hands while talking to my parents. i had been thinking how much we hate each other all throughout my bike ride, how i should just never talk to them again, or maybe only on Christmas and birthdays....i had thought about how ugly i felt, too, and how sometimes i don't. ....but then they were actually trying hard to sound nice and understanding, so when i was having a tough time getting the words out and considered just leaving, i forced myself to stay and talk just a little bit....and now i just wanna rest and think about solutions tomorrow.

[Judy2]

20 hours ago, Judy2 said:

@theleelajoker yes you're right that i'm a bit of a black and white thinker, and i'm working on that. actually, now that you bring this up, sometimes in my posts i drift off too much and focus on all the things going wrong - haven't found the right format to share the things that are going well, or maybe that would feel awkward because who cares? with negativity, at least it's sort of justified that i reach out for help because i'm suffering. if i randomly start writing about what songs i played on the piano today, people might get confused:) 

i guess i wasn't really aware of this until now, but it makes sense. 

 

anyway, i had therapy today. it's always an awkward setting and halfway through, he asked me how i was feeling in that moment after talking about some past events. i couldn't really feel anything except for some slight amusement, which is an odd thing that keeps coming up. apparently i tried to just talk things through from a very detached place, because that's the only way i get the words out when talking to doctors and therapists. but that's not how therapy works though, because the emotions do need to be invited in and everything (duh), so then we tried to dig a bit deeper and all of a sudden, some sadness appeared (related to the eating disorder, things i have mentioned above in this journal in the past few weeks), but i actually had a really hard time speaking at that point. it's funny because i share so much on here, but in an actual conversation i'm in conflict and debating whether to keep things to myself or say them out loud. 

 

to mention some good things that no one cares about that happened today: my brother's tortoise woke up from his hibernation, and so did his buddy, which i'd never seen before. he (or she?) is a sixty-something old tortoise and HUGE. quite impressive, and i held her in my hands for a bit to carry her outside into the garden.

played the piano, rode my bike.

and i'm currently reading the second part in the Fourth Wing series, Iron Flame. the plot is not as good as the first one, but the romance is on point. even though everything is quite predictable (or fake-unpredictable), it's still quite entertaining and exciting at times. let's be honest, the love story is the most important part.