"intimacy"

[Judy2]

the YouTube algorithm is really mean. for a few days now, it's been flushing all these clips from "me before you" my way. i think this is about the saddest movie ever.

 

lately, i've had a lot of time to think about goodbyes, endings, and death. maybe i've grown at least a little bit wiser though, because my capacity to hold all these emotions within myself without tearing completely apart has increased a tiny bit. i've also found out that goodbyes get worse and only feel like they lack romance and splendour when you're trying to reenact all the past interactions that you feel are connected to wherever or whoever you're saying goodbye to. the past moments - the summer walks and the conversations - are past already, and there's no use cramping them all into the goodbye moments. memory itself is enough, and things are lighter if the goodbye is not too packed with heaviness. when the past is already the past anyway, but we can fleetingly look back and see it with a sense of sadness and loving appreciation.

the past is the past already, it has been for years....so if anything, goodbyes are a lovely occasion to look back and see Love. ...and a bit of sadness and melancholy, still. which is sometimes tearing me apart, almost unbearably.... almost. which, i suppose, is exactly as it must be, to strike this chord of existential bitter-sweetness.

Edited Sunday at 08:36 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

35 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

i've asked about this at least three times before, but never managed to fully lay this out for myself and find a satisfying answer, so here we go again:)

first of all, i wonder how many hours of rest and relaxation (aside from meal times and sleep) are normal/necessary. this is confusing to me because i'm a bit extreme in how i'm either all depressed, low-energy, and feel like i need way more rest than i actually do, or hyperactive and stressing out about getting things done, so i'm unable to realistically account for the relaxation hours of the day and how i should even fill them in a useful, functional way. this dichotomy also ties in with my difficulties of balancing boredom and stress.

aside from that, i'm also curious about the quality of the relaxation people typically get. does watching tv truly recharge people? probably not, but what activity/hobby does, without draining someone even further after a long day?

both the quality and quantity of conscious rest and relaxation are confusing to me because my parents have never modelled this well. for example, my mum works full time, but her way of relaxing after work is just napping or low-conscious stuff like watching tv. i wonder if there are things that truly feel relaxing and like they recharge you, without having you go unconscious and basically seeking to dissociate from all of life. i feel as though many people define relaxation and rest after work as a permission slip to "go unconscious" and basically enter a state of oblivion - zoning out, taking a break from existence itself - even though this isn't truly recharging. but then i haven't really figured out how to relax in a conscious way while feeling like it increases my energy again, instead of draining it further. it sounds exhausting to be alert and present with myself all day, but i also feel super bored when trying to "relax" by doing something stupid, unconscious and useless like watching tv....but if i do something useful, it might stress me out again and not be properly relaxing. part of this confusion perhaps also stems from my ambiguous attitude toward being alive and living in the first place, and i don't even know if it's normal to "stay conscious" during all my waking hours...and if there are reenergising ways to go about this. i mean, ideally this should be the best and only way to recharge, but i don't quite know what it would look like in practice. 

is rest just a matter of doing an activity that's different from whatever else you're doing all day? so, for example, if your job is very social, rest after work can look like self-care and me-time, or vice versa, and if you have a desk job, physical activity is what's needed to balance things out. is rest about balancing out the kinds of activities you do throughout the day, or is there more to it? 

 

sorry if this is just a completely unnecessary rumination that would be answered more easily by simply living life and finding out what works for me. still, i would find it valuable to have some people who already set this up in their lives in a satisfactory way describe their reasoning for how much time they spend on rest and relaxation, what they do to recharge and how it's different from (or also similar to) their "productive" hours. thanks♡

and sorry if this is a stupid question.

this is a bit embarrassing and such a weird thing to ask. it's also so basic. 

at the same time, it's such a huge issue in my life? and i wish i could find ways to relax that are truly energising. apparently, i just don't have this skill yet, but it would make a huge difference if i could acquire it.

to find purposeful, meaningful ways to relax. to wind down WHILE still doing something that feels precious and energising...(is that a contradiction? i'm not sure.)

i feel so weird for needing to ask how this works in the first place. it seems like it should be so obvious, but maybe it's not.

[Judy2]

i feel stupid for needing to ask such basic questions.

[Judy2]

i'm experiencing stress and anxiety around applications and all sorts of paperwork i need to get done.

[Judy2]

not really feeling great today. still stressed out. i'm trying to tell myself that it'll pass. 

i'm hesitant to let myself take a break because i know that in the past, not feeling well has led to endless breaks. i don't trust myself to go about this in a balanced way...to have a day off and get back to work tomorrow. but i'm guessing this is what's needed. (btw, trust and balance are on my values list...so i'm guessing this is a sign...ah...)

[Judy2]

Values List Reflection

before sharing my values list, i'd like to share some thoughts on it because there are still some points i'm not entirely clear on.

 

• excellence: i do resonate with this to some extent, but given that i've suffered a lot from disabling perfectionism throughout my life, it breaks my heart a little bit to tend toward not choosing this? it's probably quite negatively motivated, as in "i need to prove that i am good enough" - so maybe this shouldn't be on my list for now. 
• in general, i've noticed a tendency to select all the values that are the opposite of what my mental illnesses have made me embody throughout the years. ... trust, connection, balance. emotional regulation lol. way to go for someone with bpd. 
• balance: i haven't decided yet if this should be a separate value or a part of "wisdom" - in my mind, wisdom balances notions of balance and equilibrium while also allowing me to demonstrate clarity of opinion and action where necessary. 
• harmony: same question - is this its own thing or can i include it with something else...i mostly thought of it because of the value of beauty. harmony may or may not be a subcategory of beauty. 
• motherhood keeps popping up, but i'm not sure if this counts as a value. ...it's probably more of a goal than a value, and it fuses the embodiment of several of my values (emotional regulation, wisdom, trust, loving connection, holistic health,...)? 
• love: really a confusing value because it's an aspect of so many other values that resonate with me: gratitude, social/relational connection, kindness and respect... but i tend toward having love as its own value as a more spiritual principle, and then again as beauty, kindness and respect, loving connection?
• gratitude: again, should i list this explicitly/not? 
• truth: i don't know if i value truth that much because it's a bit abstract, but it's better than saying honesty or loyalty because it accounts for the edge cases where honesty might be a rigid principle rather than a helpful tool. but not sure if i need this, if i also have wisdom on the list...which should include all that?
• consciousness: again, very abstract, i don't even know what's really meant by this...BUT it should definitely be on the list... i just need to define it a bit further. 
• creativity: really not sure if this is "me". i don't typically think of myself as creative. i do think it would make me happy though, to pay a bit more attention to this and find my own ways of being creative. it can even be through cooking, baking, decorating, fashion, make-up, ...so i do enjoy being creative, it's just a matter of finding my own unique ways of going about it. still not sure if it makes my top ten though.

so my current draft looks a bit like this, but i might need to make some changes:

1. Love
2. Consciousness/Awareness/Presence: defined as "being more aware of the Dream", seeing the structure more rather than getting absorbed in the content; pausing more often to take a step back and see the bigger picture again. 
3. Truth and Integrity: a bit like loyalty and honesty, but broader
4. Wisdom: balance and equilibrium, but also clarity of opinion and action, might also include understanding and curiosity, if these are not separate points 
5. Emotional awareness and regulation: joyful embodiment
6. Loving connection and intimacy
7. Respect and kindness
8. Trust: in myself, the universe, others; also defined as loving detachment; sense of groundedness
9. Holistic health: energy, vitality, fitness
10. Harmony
11. Beauty: loving appreciation of a thing's existence; tapping into my potential to enhance my own beauty and the beauty of my environments 
12. Gratitude: maybe a part of some of the above; can't say yet. 
13. Creativity 

 

Edited 1 hour ago by Judy2