"intimacy"

[Judy2]

watched a few videos from the life purpose course this morning and started feeling a bit bad when i realised ...

"f*ck, now i'm investing so much in myself and it means i'll have to live life and think i'm worth it. but i don't feel that way. i'd rather not live at all, i don't deserve a good life."

i.e., i enjoy complaining a lot about how i'm not good enough and others are so far ahead, but HELL, it's scary to even consider allowing myself to be fully here and happy. it just feels so weird, i can't even imagine it. maybe i'd rather be miserable than accept i'm allowed to be here and thrive. 

even entertaining the idea of "thriving" in this lifetime, doing well, trying to take care of myself...makes me so deeply uncomfortable. weird. 

[Judy2]

in the past few days, i've been thinking every now and then that it would feel liberating to be more conscious in day-to-day life of the fact that all the things i identify with and acquire in life, all the things that weigh me down or that i'm anxious about, won't accompany me to my grave. there's nothing good nor bad that will stick with me forever. none of these things are my "essence".

and i don't need to wait until i die to be aware of this.

if i keep reminding myself of this, it'll probably make my life a lot easier. or maybe at least a little bit.

because most of my life struggles, most of my suffering, stir from all this mental attachment and anxiety over the things i am, i am not, i have, i may not get, i am anxious to keep, anxious to exorcise and keep away from me, etc., etc., etc.

academic degrees and what not.

 

i want to be free, want to be light, most of all.

 

i am free,

i am light

 (:

Edited November 23 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel glad that i see this, at least for now. feels important.

what a pity i keep forgetting this...but i suppose that's also a part of it. 

[Judy2]

i am experiencing fear and concern about the next few months....how i'll spend them in limbo, not knowing what's next, before settling somewhere new.

i was so eager to leave this place, but now i feel sad - and scared, most of all.

i know it's right, necessary, and long overdue to force myself into this position of needing to reevaluate my life's set-up, rather than blindly staying stuck all day. i've been so desperate for change, for so long.

but i'm still sad and scared. which is okay.

[Judy2]

i am concerned that it might be too much, too destabilising.

but then again, what good is "stability" when it's really just being stuck and avoidant?

i hate how much of an extremist i am in life. i've never known equilibrium.

i'm scared of myself. i always mess things up and make stupid decisions that i end up regretting, that end up hurting me.

Edited November 23 by Judy2

[Judy2]

this last week, i feel love and an odd sense of appreciation for the apartment i've been living in for the past five and a half years.

as much as i felt unsafe about the location, lost, situated in the middle of nowhere, in some unknown city i didn't really form a great relationship with....this tiny room of mine has been a safe place - a prison and an uncomfortable comfort zone where i felt utterly unsafe most of the time, but yes, also a safe place - for so long.

i'm sad to be moving on, but also know it's right...and i'm glad i can conclude this chapter with a sliver of appreciation, despite everything.

 

 

makes it even more emotional to remember that i came here, 61 lbs, dying, and despite the odds, i lived, God wanted me to live, i wanted me to live. i hardly think about this anymore, but my time here in this city started under quite precarious physical, mental, and emotional circumstances, followed by my first awakening experience. it's also how i met one of my best friends here in this town, and soon i'll be handing her my goodbye letter.

it feels heavy. although i've been wanting to leave for so long, now i almost wish i could stay longer. perhaps that's the best time to be leaving though....otherwise i'd just get stuck in a rut again and feel contemptuous about this place, as i have before.

i'm happy to be leaving with love and gratitude, even though my time here has been tough 99% of the time. i'll still look back and see Love:) thank God♡ 

Edited November 25 by Judy2

[Judy2]

it feels counterintuitive to be "tearing down" my apartment; all the decor i've arranged so delicately over the years.

destruction.

 

all i can do now is trust that i have it in me to find a new place - rebuild - and make it even better and prettier than it's been here...cause i know i wasn't happy here (even though the nostalgia is kicking in now. at least for my room, if not for this city).

anyway: i'll be able to rearrange and decorate my things nicely once i get a new place... wherever that shall be.

i have faith.

i know that change is scary, but it's also exactly what i've been asking for for years. now it's on me to make good change happen...ugh. i feel scared that i won't manage, that i can't make improvements happen. 

 

but i will:)

it's not like there's anything else to do anyway. so i'll figure it out eventually. 

[Judy2]

today's dad's birthday party. 

caused me to experience some degrees of social anxiety i haven't felt in a while, since i'm seeing so many people that i technically know but haven't met in ages.

seeing my late grandfather's brother made me cry cause they look so alike, but he's also quite odd. he made some comments about how he'd "prey on me" if he was younger, and i felt flattered, embarassed, and creeped out all at once.

other than that, i experienced some anxiety about my future (applications, finding a job and a new degree programme, a new apartment in a new city) but talked to a family friend who works in counselling and she helped me feel a bit more confident that things will work out. i also found it valuable to talk to her because the first thing i noticed about her when she arrived was that she'd visibly gained weight, but when we talked, i felt like her presence was so sympathetic and caring. it's helpful every time i notice something like this, cause it teaches me how appearance isn't everything and what truly matters about a person is how they carry themselves; if they're kind and warm in human interaction.

the evening also helped me become aware of a bit of a "beauty paradox" (since i said i'd like to enquire a bit into the subject). i know that my default is that i don't feel beautiful enough, but tonight i noticed that the other side of the coin is how i'm afraid to carry myself with confidence when i have put in some effort to do my make-up, dress nicely, and so on. maybe this insecurity is based on some past policing my parents have done when i tried to dress a bit more womanly, or the general attitude of criticising any kind of socks or jackets or whatever that we do or do not wear in our home. it helps to remind myself - or even begin to realise in the first place - that i'm an adult, i'm a woman, and if i want, i can wear heels and do my make-up. there are lots of 23 year olds out there making much bolder style choices, so it can't be that big a deal if i want to dress well at a birthday party.

Edited Sunday at 05:31 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

a few more things...

my brother reached out this weekend and wished us a nice evening yesterday, and said he wanted to talk to me on the phone. this is quite unusual for him because usually, i'm the one reaching out. technically, i'd be thrilled about him expressing interest in talking to me, but in this instance i find it a little concerning. he broke up with his girlfriend in the summer and ever since, he's been running ultra-marathons and doing all kinds of stuff in the mountains. now i'm not sure if he has found his passion, is living in perfect flow and feeling inspired and excited to do all this, or if there's a layer of repression going on here. i'm a little worried it might be the latter (or a combination of both). when i found out about the break-up in august, i cried because i'd been so happy thinking he was happy. i hope he's well and taking good care of himself. i want my brother to be well and happy♡

 

aside from that, my mum's cousin (my godmother), who was also at the party yesterday, reached out this morning and wrote a text to let me know that she thought i looked beautiful, happy, and that she's proud of me because i am strong and i should keep on going. i'm not sure, but i think the implicit message here is that last time she saw me earlier this year, we were on holiday and i was miserable because i was a bit malnourished...all of this is irritating to me and i can't fully accept the "compliments" because a) the whole part of the weight difference is very implicitly alluded to here, so it increases my overall insecurity, b) i can play happy on the outside and still struggle on the inside; one evening doesn't reflect fully where i'm at, c) in general i feel insecure about my body and the impression i leave on others and i still have this HUGE internal debate about whether underweight vs "healthy" me is prettier, better etc. it's SO confusing to get some really implicit comment about that....throws me off a lot.

and lastly, i wanted to highlight again that i'm noticing my pattern of ongoing anxiety and how it keeps shifting from one subject to the next. i'm trying to be aware of this dynamic and start relaxing and having faith, at least a little bit. otherwise, my life is just a series of being anxious of whatever is going on or "in progress" until it's done and i find a new thing to worry about.

Edited Sunday at 10:46 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

staying with my parents again for a week because i'm doing a five day internship at my mum's school.

i already said this last time i was here, but i love my room, and yet it stands in such stark contrast to my crying in the car in anticipation of how stressful the evenings with dad are gonna be, cause he's so erratic. mum tried to comfort me, i didn't dare explain and just cried some more. the additional layer here that causes further desperation is that i know for a fact that almost every time i communicate my discomfort to dad, he'll dismiss it and gaslight me about my own emotions. i feel vulnerable, trapped. i feel sorry for mum because she cares so much and tries to help but it's not her fault, and he doesn't care at all.

Edited Sunday at 05:02 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

internship at my mum's school* - day 1

*a school for children in years 1-6 with special needs, mostly due to autism, ADD, or ADHD.

in the morning i got ready, my mum and i drove together in the car and were the first ones to arrive at the school. i experienced some social anxiety when meeting the principal and the other colleagues.

German class with my mum's second graders: some routines like a weird duck game, kids "yoga", reading and rereading a simple Chrsitmas poem. this got quite boring and intellectually it was all a bit too easy. i mainly watched mum's coworker teach the lesson, observed her and the kids. in my mum's class it's eleven boys (aged 7-8 ish), two teachers, and two social workers assigned to help individual special needs kids.
the boys are cute but nothing more than that, and intellectually, the job isn't demanding enough for me, i feel (not to judge the teachers there, i'm sure it's exhausting, i'm just noting this down as part of my own investigation as i'm exploring if i could imagine myself working this job and feeling fulfilled/like i'm living up to my highest potential.)

later we sang a few christmas songs at the assembly.

short break outside in the school yard

then we went back to the classroom, to the bust stop, and to the theatre to watch a play.

at that point i noticed that i'm not managing food so well, i'm not eating enough but i'm scared to try prioritising food under precarious external circumstances.

theatre play: way too long and boring.

took a short break 

afternoon class, which was mostly unspectacular, and i made use of the opportunity to question my mum's colleague Simone about how things are done at the school. then i got talking to her and another colleague about what i'm going to do after my BA, and by now i do feel stressed and annoyed by the amount of people asking me this question lately. i'm trying everything i can to figure this out, but it still feels like it's not enough or people are doubting me. i certainly am, or at least it's a struggle to try not to doubt myself - perfectly as usual.

mum and i were done at 3pm, we made a quick stop so that i could go to the gym, and then we were headed back home.

at least this experience gives mum and i something constructive to talk about in the car. 

and of course i 100% appreciate the experience, the insight i gain into this job, and the simple fact of having something constructive to do for once in my life.

Edited Monday at 04:47 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

internship at my mum's school* - day 2

i didn't sleep well at night, so i lost a few hours of sleep.

in the morning, mum and i drove to school chatting about the job, the kids, and the colleagues.

this morning the anxiety wasn't as bad as yesterday; i felt more relaxed.

i spent the first two hours with the first graders because i thought my mum's second and third graders were too normal and well-behaved. now i do indeed get the whole difficulty, because with the first graders it's 90-95% behavioural control and 5-10% teaching. six boys. there was an autist next to the window with a social worker all to himself. he had a meltdown because something was wrong with the way his food was packed, so he had to cry a lot. i felt really sorry and almost cried with him cause i could only imagine what his world must be like, his way of perceiving things...then there was a boy with adhd who'd come in his pyjamas and was walking around barefoot, climbing over the tables, running around, constantly seeking new stimulation, throwing his shoes through the classroom, and on and on. the teacher was basically just trying to calm everyone down for the first thirty minutes, then we did some math and then some German. i tutored the adhd kid, sat next to him and urged him to go through each exercise. later when we learned the letter a, he drew it on my back a few times, which was really cute. but all throughout this, he was constantly seeking distractions, opening closets, getting some new building blocks to play with, flipping through books, and on and on. by the end of the lesson, he said something really sweet about wanting to spend breaktime with me:)

short break in the yard

sitting in class with the fifth graders. they're four boys and three girls. i have already met one of the girls yesterday and now she said to the others that she thinks i'm really nice. the three girls here are probably the only girls at this school. i mostly just watched the lesson. compared to the first graders, they're a lot more civilised, so it always seems a bit disproportionate how strict the teachers are, but knowing where the kids are coming from, it's probably still necessary to react harshly to every erratic behaviour or sign of disobedience.
mostly boring to watch though, until we did arts and crafts, which was a bit more exciting again.

lunch break

afternoon class. i played chess and another game with one of my mum's pupils, then we were outside in the yard until it was time to go.

 

i think i'm already able to conclude that this isn't my dream job (not because i think it's bad, meaningless, too boring, too easy, or anything like that...i think the teachers here are doing a tough and important job...but it's probably not what features my strengths best or what would bring about optimal fulfilment for me personally).... but the insights are still quite valuable.

 

food is still difficult, so i'm having a quick call to check in with my dietitian this evening.

 

 

(sorry for not putting any more effort into making nice cohesive sentences. i'm quite burnt out after the long day and don't have that much energy left to be perfectionistic about this text.)

Edited Wednesday at 04:58 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

internship at my mum's school* - day 3

tired. long day. 

food was still difficult. didn't eat that much to power me through, so i had to have a larger meal quite late for my standards. 

 

first two hours: math and German with the fourth graders.

third and fourth with my mum's grade again. 

nothing new/spectacular tbh.

participated in a four person lecture with the principal, which was interesting as he touched on the process that the German government goes through to help support children with special needs. spending time at this school has made me regain some faith in the German state tbh...that it's looking after those in need, after all. at least in some cases.

Edited Wednesday at 08:47 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

internship at my mum's school* - day 4

slightly better mood and less tired this morning.

i spent the day with the sixth and seventh graders and their teacher Kim, the youngest teacher at the school. Kim took some time to explain to me the individual students' backgrounds (two with autism, some with adhd, several who are depressed/don't attend/only attend for 2 hours a day).

we started off with just two out of seven students and a math exam....so i mostly just sat and waited. then we read through a recipe and went downstairs to the kitchen to cook a potato soup. quick intermission for a break in the yard, where my mum's class sold the cake we'd baked yesterday. back in the kitchen, we continued cooking and had to clean up, which was okay but some students were making a fuss. back upstairs again, we played some games. one of the few girls at this school arrived late (she always does), but instead of making her write the math exam, Kim just let her join us with the games...apparently, it's a success with this student if she attends at all, and i can see how a math exam would have been counterproductive.

my mum had a meeting at 12, so i could leave early. a little scary cause it's been a while since i drove a car on my own, but i managed and made my way home. wasn't so bad because now i had the time and space to rest, relax, and have a proper lunch at a reasonable time for the first time this week. 

mum came back home, we rested a bit more, and then we went shopping, which was quite nice:)

better day than yesterday, overall.

Edited yesterday at 06:52 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

internship at my mum's school* - day 5

stressful morning due to some triggering interactions with my mum (at home and also on our way to school).

when we arrived, the principal informed us that a former students' grandfather (his primary caregiver) had been found dead, potentially murdered. noting this down because it illustrates the element of gang violence/criminality/abusive environments that many of the students at this school are exposed to....so no wonder they're "being difficult".

 spent the day with the second graders, then the first graders. the last two lessons were quite exhausting as the kids were screaming a lot. the autistic first grader was still very cute though, and i wish i knew more about autism.

after school, mum dropped me off in town to run an errand. later, i came home sobbing. my emotional instability skyrockets when i'm stressed, around family, or not eating well. unfortunately these are usually all related, so things get exponentially worse under such circumstances. i feel sorry for mum that she has to witness these abnormalities at times. 

trying to relax now, as this seems to be very much needed.

Edited 10 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

internship at a school for children with special educational needs - insights and conclusion

 

this week was quite insightful.

the teachers are a lot stricter than i thought they'd be, but apparently this is necessary to set a certain frame that enables relaxed and educative interactions in the first place.

i noticed vast differences between the different age groups in how they handle their respective mental conditions. the first graders are a lot more erratic than the older ones.

at this school, it's 85-90% training in life skills and relationship/social skills, and 5-10% teaching....with some variation.

i suppose that many children can improve, be helped, and grow up to be functioning adults. many won't improve and will grow up to be adults with huge financial, social, and mental problems. some of them will grow up to have personality disorders or other ongoing issues, i estimate.

it's still a valuable job, though, and it's reassuring to know that in my country, at least some kids with special needs are receiving specialised support and are taken good care of. their environments at home and at this school are probably still traumatising (because inappropriate/insufficient) in many cases, but lots of people are making quite an effort to help them deal with their unique challenges.

the teachers at this school are also doing a lot besides teaching individual subjects like math, reading  and writing. they are educators, practically behavioural therapists. they visit other "normal" schools to observe children, write reports, have diagnostic interviews with them, talk to parents several times a term to figure out individualised support plans, and are in touch with other governmental bodies and social services in some instances.

 

quite interesting, and i do see the value in this field of work. if i had to work this job, i'd come to terms with it and know i'd be doing good in the world.

that being said, at this point i don't feel that it's a perfect match to unite my strengths, passions, and abilities, or that it would bring about optimal fulfilment.

and you probably have to be very psyched about this job in order to prevent getting burnt out.