"intimacy"

[Judy2]

watched a few videos from the life purpose course this morning and started feeling a bit bad when i realised ...

"f*ck, now i'm investing so much in myself and it means i'll have to live life and think i'm worth it. but i don't feel that way. i'd rather not live at all, i don't deserve a good life."

i.e., i enjoy complaining a lot about how i'm not good enough and others are so far ahead, but HELL, it's scary to even consider allowing myself to be fully here and happy. it just feels so weird, i can't even imagine it. maybe i'd rather be miserable than accept i'm allowed to be here and thrive. 

even entertaining the idea of "thriving" in this lifetime, doing well, trying to take care of myself...makes me so deeply uncomfortable. weird. 

[Judy2]

in the past few days, i've been thinking every now and then that it would feel liberating to be more conscious in day-to-day life of the fact that all the things i identify with and acquire in life, all the things that weigh me down or that i'm anxious about, won't accompany me to my grave. there's nothing good nor bad that will stick with me forever. none of these things are my "essence".

and i don't need to wait until i die to be aware of this.

if i keep reminding myself of this, it'll probably make my life a lot easier. or maybe at least a little bit.

because most of my life struggles, most of my suffering, stir from all this mental attachment and anxiety over the things i am, i am not, i have, i may not get, i am anxious to keep, anxious to exorcise and keep away from me, etc., etc., etc.

academic degrees and what not.

 

i want to be free, want to be light, most of all.

 

i am free,

i am light

 (:

Edited Sunday at 10:06 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel glad that i see this, at least for now. feels important.

what a pity i keep forgetting this...but i suppose that's also a part of it. 

[Judy2]

i am experiencing fear and concern about the next few months....how i'll spend them in limbo, not knowing what's next, before settling somewhere new.

i was so eager to leave this place, but now i feel sad - and scared, most of all.

i know it's right, necessary, and long overdue to force myself into this position of needing to reevaluate my life's set-up, rather than blindly staying stuck all day. i've been so desperate for change, for so long.

but i'm still sad and scared. which is okay.

[Judy2]

i am concerned that it might be too much, too destabilising.

but then again, what good is "stability" when it's really just being stuck and avoidant?

i hate how much of an extremist i am in life. i've never known equilibrium.

i'm scared of myself. i always mess things up and make stupid decisions that i end up regretting, that end up hurting me.

Edited Sunday at 11:14 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

this last week, i feel love and an odd sense of appreciation for the apartment i've been living in for the past five and a half years.

as much as i felt unsafe about the location, lost, situated in the middle of nowhere, in some unknown city i didn't really form a great relationship with....this tiny room of mine has been a safe place - a prison and an uncomfortable comfort zone where i felt utterly unsafe most of the time, but yes, also a safe place - for so long.

i'm sad to be moving on, but also know it's right...and i'm glad i can conclude this chapter with a sliver of appreciation, despite everything.

 

 

makes it even more emotional to remember that i came here, 61 lbs, dying, and despite the odds, i lived, God wanted me to live, i wanted me to live. i hardly think about this anymore, but my time here in this city started under quite precarious physical, mental, and emotional circumstances, followed by my first awakening experience. it's also how i met one of my best friends here in this town, and soon i'll be handing her my goodbye letter.

it feels heavy. although i've been wanting to leave for so long, now i almost wish i could stay longer. perhaps that's the best time to be leaving though....otherwise i'd just get stuck in a rut again and feel contemptuous about this place, as i have before.

i'm happy to be leaving with love and gratitude, even though my time here has been tough 99% of the time. i'll still look back and see Love:) thank God♡ 

Edited yesterday at 08:02 AM by Judy2