"intimacy"

[Judy2]

watched a few videos from the life purpose course this morning and started feeling a bit bad when i realised ...

"f*ck, now i'm investing so much in myself and it means i'll have to live life and think i'm worth it. but i don't feel that way. i'd rather not live at all, i don't deserve a good life."

i.e., i enjoy complaining a lot about how i'm not good enough and others are so far ahead, but HELL, it's scary to even consider allowing myself to be fully here and happy. it just feels so weird, i can't even imagine it. maybe i'd rather be miserable than accept i'm allowed to be here and thrive. 

even entertaining the idea of "thriving" in this lifetime, doing well, trying to take care of myself...makes me so deeply uncomfortable. weird.