Judy2

"intimacy"

616 posts in this topic

@soos_mite_ah

Hey:) thank you for reaching out again and for empathising with my situation. i'm trying to have faith, too. it's just scary sometimes, but i'll figure it out somehow. 

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i suppose i could try and gradually introduce new foods that i am scared of. it doesn't have to happen all in one day. so over time, i could reduce the amount of artificial sweeteners that i consume and introduce new sources of carbohydrates and healthy fats. just like i planned on doing with the avocado. 

i'm not happy with the bloating situation, so to keep on going as i have doesn't seem like an exciting prospect. but i'm also really scared that things like nuts will make me gain lots of weight because they're too easy to overeat on. 

in fact, i'm primarily concerned that if i buy, let's say a jar of nut butter or even whole cashews, or some dates, i'll want to eat them all in one go, freak out, do exactly that to get rid of them, (end up bloated, too), read that backwards as i can't handle these foods well anyway, commit to never buying them again, thereby strengthening that whole cycle. i don't know if i can buy these foods and then portion them out for each day and feel satisfied doing that. i'm very scared and sceptical of that. actually, i think it would sort of make me really aggressive to be around a jar of nut butter and know that it'll stay on my shelf for two weeks and i'll have a table spoon or two every day. that seems really triggering - cause it's forbidden enough for me to not be allowed to have more, but then i'd want to avoid it altogether, and having 20g a day seems completely irritating and irrational in that case... 

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i know enough about nutrition to construct balanced meals in theory, but i genuinely don't know if that is 'right'. if i should be doing low fat, low carb, God knows what. i genuinely don't know....and back we are with: how the hell am i supposed to know what's good for me? 

i want to look lean and beautiful, i want to be fit and feel healthy, i want to feel comfortable in my body, i want to feel beautiful, i want my relationship with food to be good and effortless. i don't want to feel as though i am having to restrict, suppress hunger cues, or be mean to myself. 

i want my relationship with food and with my body to feel positive and effortless. 

 

...how the hell am i supposed to make that happen?

if i knew that carbs were bad for me, i wouldn't struggle replacing them with other things. same goes for fats. 

point is, i don't know. and there is so much conflicting information out there. 

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...not feeling great today. feeling rather pessimistic because everything is so delicate to handle. seems impossible because there are so many potential triggers and pitfalls everywhere. it's like a mine field...i'm scared that i won't manage to achieve equilibrium because life is so stormy and chaotic, not simple at all because with everything, there are a billion, no, there are infinite factors to consider. so of course that scares me...how am i supposed to handle myself and my life well, if i'm putting it up with infinity?

but then, some people do seem to manage, and apparently harmony with yourself and the universe is achievable, despite the fact that we're putting it up with infinity.... so maybe the antagonism is the problem, more so than the billions and billions of variables involved within this...idk, just thinking this through as i am writing.

i am hoping to achieve some sort of balance, groundedness, equilibrium in life. i'm scared that i can't, that i'm too broken, too monstrous, too messed up....but i'll keep trying, i suppose. it must be possible, somehow. to live a spiritual life. and really, what choice do i have, but to keep trying? certainly not to despair, i know that that has never led anywhere good.

 

....thinking this through is making me think of this quote again:

"lightly, child, lightly. learn to do everything lightly. yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply.... there are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear, and self-pity, and despair. that's why you must walk so lightly. lightly, my darling, on tip toes, and no luggage, not even a sponge bag...completely unencumbered."

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....okay, i'm feeling low. i'll just accept that now. don't have to fight it, it will pass.

just be nice to myself throughout. it's okay to feel low.

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...these past few weeks, every now and then i have found myself wondering if you guys think i am being too self-centred, especially in my two new journals. i notice that a lot of my gratitudes are about "myself" - and that's not supposed to seem narcissistic or anything, like i'm using this to now show off an inflated sense of self. [i guess i'm really scared i'll seem narcissistic and arrogant if i stop hating myself and being mean to myself?]

i was self-centred before, too, when i was actively engaged in staying miserable (had to be cause i was scared for my Life), 

and i'm self-centred now, trying really hard to improve my self-image and change the internal programming i have about myself and the world. 

i hope this doesn't come across as too narcissistic and i'm sure there'll be times when i'll be ready to be more outwardly focussed. 

the positivity i am trying to practice in regards to my self-image is not supposed to be an unhealthy narcissism...it's supposed to practise and improve my ability to notice things about myself and my life that i dislike, and to allow them to co-exist with other things that i find beautiful, positive, inspiring. to allow this colourful mix to exist...and that takes a lot of work right now, because i'm usually very attached to a sort of idealism - my (ego) mind's version of Existential Purity and Perfection. 

perhaps once i got used to this practice, i'll be able to be more outgoing as well...or maybe i already am (at least in daily interactions), it's just that my journal entries are still really self-centred, because that's the locus of the hard inner work i am doing atm. 

but really, this practice doesn't just apply to myself, it also applies to how i see others...that i can appreciate their beauty, without feeling too threatened by it because i feel inferior...and to be more accepting of other people's apparent weaknesses, because i know real life is messy and complicated and challenging, so i empathise with them and their flaws. 

 

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"but it would be so much humbler and more virtuous (and safer) to keep hating myself."

 

but it doesn't lead anywhere. 

working against myself doesn't lead anywhere.

i'm already here, with all of my emotions and all the rest. i can't undo that. so instead of working against all that, really, what choice do i have but to work with that? to integrate, rather than to disintegrate...and so on. 

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...noticed that i've been trying for two weeks to figure out the perfect meal plan, thinking that once i figure it out, i'll be released from this whole struggle and never have to think about food again...when in reality this whole endeavour led me to think and obsess a lot more about food than i would have needed to. 

so i'm letting go of this expectation now. i can stop thinking about this.

i trust myself to make reasonable decisions that are in line with my goals (health, satiety, self-care, fitness). i trust that things can evolve naturally over time, and that i can tune in with myself, my body, my emotions...and learn to make reasonable decisions around food.

 

...by the way, i tried the avocado at lunch today. it was really good, so i'll probably stick with that for a few days and see where it goes. other than that, i figured that hemp seeds might be a nice source of healthy fats to try because i don't really see myself bingeing on those, so i'd be totally fine having just a tablespoon or so a day and using them up slowly.

dinner today was a bit bad because i got bloated again, but that went down and by now i'm already feeling better. it's okay that i am still struggling there and i'll do my best to figure out how to resolve this and make small improvements in the days and weeks to come♡

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i guess the point is that even though i'm eating, i'm still really insecure and scared around food. it still feels forbidden and dangerous on some level, so i'm trying to cope with that by figuring out all the 'right' choices. 

Edited by Judy2

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...

i hate my struggles with food and bloating.

this is NOT okay.

it's so stupid, such an unnecessary source of suffering and discomfort.

Why???

why do i have to struggle so much with this, when for others it's all easy-going and they have never had to give much thought to it?

i have been struggling with this for years and years, it seems hopeless, i'm scared that i will never overcome this, that i'll never be at peace with my body, that food will always be a problem in my life in one way or another.

i feel scared and hopeless.

i look back at all these years in which i DIDN'T succeed at resolving this. so what makes me think i have any chance of resolving this now? 

i desperately want it to be resolved, and yet i don't know how.

i feel angry at the nutritionist for not providing better assistance, i feel disappointed...as a specialist for people with eds she should be able to help with this sort of thing and have something wise to say about it...she didn't, and now she'll keep me waiting until mid-September. a lot can happen until then. i'm scared, left alone, without support.

i hate that. i hate all of this.

i hate myself for being so stupid and struggling so much with the most banal, unnecessary things. food shouldn't be such a big deal, it shouldn't be such a big struggle. and neither should appearance/body image.

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my counsellor sent me an email saying she's ill, and it'll be another two weeks until i get to speak with her again.

so i'm left all on my own, having to deal with the stress, the thesis, food and body image. not great! i would have really appreciated receiving some support today! 

Edited by Judy2

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i feel as though i am being abandoned/let down, and there are so many challenges right now that i had hoped i could get help with...i don't know how to manage all of these obstacles on my own right now...it's too much.

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there's also so much stress and emotional pressure/tension because of the thesis right now. 

i am scared, i feel overwhelmed. 

i'm scared i won't manage. 

ouch. 

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i feel extremely overwhelmed because of the thesis. scared that i won't manage. i have got no idea what i am doing and don't know how to make this go anywhere good.

plus i'm stressed because i can't talk to anyone right now, so i'll probably waste two weeks until i can speak with a counsellor again.

 

too much emotion! thinking about hurting myself (i won't but the thoughts are there). i don't feel safe!!!!  feeling super uncomfortable.

i hate this. i hate myself!

it's all too much, i don't want this!!!

 

also, my neighbour is extremely disrespectful and listening to odd music at an unreasonably high volume.

Edited by Judy2

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22 hours ago, Judy2 said:

struggles with food and bloating.

this is NOT okay.

22 hours ago, Judy2 said:

nutritionist for not providing better assistance, i feel disappointed..

What do you do to prevent the bloating? 


Freedom is love under all conditions. 

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