"intimacy"

[Judy2]

maybe it's stupid to go, maybe it's unwise

 

but i want it anyway

i have to do everything on my own anyway, so i'll do this on my own.

okay?

[Judy2]

i don't know....i'm a mess. i'm scared.

[Judy2]

i'm still the same girl who's got no idea what she's doing or where she's going

 

no idea if this is right, but i'll just come to terms with that, and allow myself to feel

...is that the way to handle that? not sure. how the hell would i know.

 

...just living...

...Gosh, i'm scared of Life. terrified. terrified of being alive. but here i am.

[Judy2]

i don't know if it's right that i'm dealing with this all on my own. maybe i shouldn't, maybe there should be some kind of support, someone guiding me. maybe that would be legitimate.

(maybe it's evil that i'm trying to cope with this all on my own? maybe i should be too weak to succeed, should be more of a victim, should be sicker...)

i don't know

 

it's a lot

[Judy2]

a lot of stress and a lot of emotion lately....

[Judy2]

just a lot. lots of thoughts,  lots of perspectives...

 

...okay i'll keep going now:) maybe more later.

Edited June 21 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i'm scared i might be doing something wrong, or stupid, or sabotaging myself.

i'm always scared.

 

...i'm always scared and always second guessing myself anyway, so i might as well just do what i want?

 

i'm still responsible, i'll still look out for my safety, my happiness, my overall well-being. i trust myself in that.

so i might as well just go do whatever it is that i want, if no one is taking that burden from me, if i'm all alone in deciding what to do anyway. and if my head is going a bit crazy and fearful and questioning that (out of habit), then so be it

 

 

"I don't really wanna know what's good for me, God's dead, I said, Baby, that's alright with me"

 

 

if i'm always scared of doing something wrong, no matter what i do, i might as well just do what i want.

[Judy2]

i don't know

still scared

still second-guessing myself

 

[Judy2]

i'm scared

i don't know what to do

[Judy2]

i'm struggling.

i'm scared, i feel alone

i want somebody to hold me (squeeze me) and comfort me

 

 

i can't expect people to help me if i don't talk to them about the stuff that's going through my head

then i sit there, half-dissociated

weighing the pros and cons of whether i should (can, may) open up about everything in the first place

opening up is so difficult

i don't want to be vulnerable

don't want people near me who could say something that might hurt me, or stir things up too much inside me

[Judy2]

i'm scared

i want to know i'm safe

 

 

and i want somebody to comfort me and hold me

[Judy2]

...

 

i'm still in the dark when it comes to that decision-making process.

do i just pick one - whichever i like - and then begin to feel supported in that decision? 

right now all i feel is doubt.

and fear. and desperation.

and a bit of sadness because it seems hopeless, it's a never-ending struggle....will i ever make it out of this alive? will i ever feel safe? i haven't felt safe in years, decades. will there ever be an end to this, some sort of resolution? lasting happiness, groundedness? i'm trying so hard all the time - never do i seem to get there.

oh well. working on it! trying! every second of every day. i'll get there. 

[Judy2]

i just want to be happy and safe

i just want all this fear, this constant struggle, constant anxiety to end

seems impossible 

 

it seems like i'll always be terrified, always bending over backwards and in five different directions because i'm convinced it's required to ensure my personal safety

 

...do i just stop caring? just live and act recklessly, and learn that it's okay and i'll survive? i'm not sure.

definitely not feeling supported at all. you would think a psychosomatic clinic is supposed to support you in this, but no. i told them this is my key conflict, and they just don't seem to care, they're completely ignorant or in denial about how fundamental this is. me feeling lost, scared of life, alone, ....

[Judy2]

maybe it is true after all that i just need to go home, build myself some structure in life, some stability...and then I'll feel better.

things will be a little less chaotic, there'll be less life-changing decisions being thrown my way all the time, nothing to spike my anxiety on a regular.

i can just go home, get grounded.

finish my degree and take a year off just to build some structure in life (hobbies, social life), and i'll feel a lot more secure, held, supported. 

i guess?

 

 

that's still grounded in chaos - everything is grounded in chaos, from where i'm starting. so it truly doesn't matter, i just have to start somewhere.

[Judy2]

i wonder why it is that i feel this way, why this is such a big struggle. i don't know.

no one seems to relate or get me, no one even seems to understand what my problem is, why this is such a big problem.

Edited June 22 by Judy2

[samijiben]

@Judy2 hola Judy, I relate to you, I also feel hopeless & helpless. 

I'm sorry to hear your support group won't help. I don't think anyone will. I think you are dealing with an issue beyond conventional resolution

It is time indeed to fully Let Go & Let God!

[Judy2]

@samijiben thank you:) 

yes, i figured that technically, everybody should be able to relate.

 

[Judy2]

maybe those are all the most toxic aspects of my soul, of my personality, telling me to go home now

maybe this is a mistake

maybe it's just gonna make things harder for me down the line, gonna make things unnecessarily difficult for me (wouldn't be so atypical of me to choose the tough way, the rough way, or overcomplicate things for myself...perhaps also to make things a lot harder for myself than they need to be)

 

 

there's not a lot of joy, or positive anticipation. a tiny bit, perhaps. mostly there's fear, and doubt. it's nauseating.

i don't know if it's supposed to feel that way, if i'm supposed to push through all that, or if these are warning signs i shouldn't ignore.

i don't know.

[Judy2]

...

 

 

it's official, i'll be going home this thursday.

right now there's still a bit of heaviness and oppression in the air.

maybe this is yet another failure, i failed to open up more during therapy, failed to let my therapist at the clinic fully in on things, failed to make better use of the support that would have been offered here. i failed and was sceptical from the start, even before i came here, and didn't manage to fundamentally change my attitude during the stay. always scared to make a decision, always hovering between opening up and closing off, undecidedly.

oh, i wish i could be coming home under different circumstances - not after technically "failing" my first dbt therapy - at least that's what it'll say on paper. but it is what it is. not that unusual, if you read the textbooks.

 

mum says i shouldn't consider things all black and white. she still doesn't know my diagnosis yet, but i suppose that's exactly the thing a borderliner needs to be told. it's okay that there's no "right" point in time for me to come back home. life is chaotic, that's okay...it's already a huge win that i'm willing to try and go back. (shy smile)

good news to you all is that i'll officially stop referring to myself as a "borderliner" soon...that's just the thing you do when you're in that treatment setting...not out in the real world. out in the real world, i'm just me.

 

and i'll be going home now, i'll see my brother, i'll meet his long-term girlfriend in person for the first time, i'll be seeing my childhood best friend...

and maybe there'll be a way.

...although i am feeling a bit demotivated now, which is sad. i wish it weren't so. i wish i could be happy and hopeful and see a new way....but that's kinda not the case, knowing i'm leaving here two weeks early because they think i lack the commitment to invest in my healing. if my doctors are considering this a failure, too, i feel like i'm obliged to believe that as well (for how long do i have to be unwell now until i make that count?)...when i might just as well manage to get better on my own (back to a healthy weight, for example), at home. which sounded more romantic than getting better here, which is why i wasn't opening up here, for fear it might change things too quickly and make things boring when i get the chance to go home at a more stable point in life lol. it's just that i'm feeling demotivated (and low-key triggered...) in that area if i know they don't believe in me and that's why they're letting me go.

...whatever, i might just get their letter and tear it apart. because it doesn't matter what they believe.

but yeah basically if i had to tell the truth, i wanted to make it back home before i gain too much weight, just because i suspected that would feel better or be easier on my head (because i'm oddly stubborn in trying to construct "romantic" scenarios in my life)....and then i had to keep myself from eating more and gaining weight here, and that's why they're letting me go and it would be hella awkward to have it say on paper that i'm unwilling to change my eating behaviour,  have that be the reason why i fail stationary treatment, just to go home and eat more right away on my own .... although i wouldn't know for how long i'd be required to relapse until it counts and i'm allowed to change again and really try and get better again...weird thoughts in my head, i apologise.

 

that's me being way too honest again, so honest it's kinda ugly...but i don't have the nerve to keep censoring myself, it's exhausting.

[Judy2]

so maybe that was just stupid, toxic me who made that decision. to not get better where i'd receive some level of support, because it would look prettier to arrive at a significant place (at home) in crisis and to then make a change there. (not very smart because hunger will be triggering and have me thinking scary thoughts again, that i should just relapse etc.)

i should be ashamed of myself, for working like that. it's really quite embarrassing...

also i'm feeling slightly dissociative, might be because i'm fasting today.

 

anyway, i will go home and, despite having constructed this in such a stupid way, i guess i am still free to make the best of it when i arrive. and to take good care of myself there (i.e. eat) after all.