"intimacy"

[Judy2]

...i wrote the above post almost like i'm grounded and well-reflected, but the truth is i've had one of the messiest days again. pretty stressful especially around noon and in the afternoon...

oh well.

and apparently i'm expected to make decisions now and what not.

i could freak out, but the truth is i don't even care anymore. it's not like any of it makes a difference anyway.

i'll come out alive and well, somehow, eventually.

things have gotten so chaotic and i have no clue what i'm doing anymore, or what i'm gonna do... so much so that at this point i'm just rolling with it, no longer see the point in expending energy to worry. it's pointless anyway, i never have any clue what i'm doing (or what i should do or where any of this is leading/ is "supposed" or "destined" to lead), so i might as well stop pretending i do, or will, and just decide things on a hunch, there's no planning things anyway, it seems. there's no logicking and rationalising, no knowing....just a bunch of hunches, second after second.

it's a lie anyway, a lie they're trying to make me believe, that there could be a point when i would make a true, definitive, official, right decision, and that would be it.

it's just a bunch of hunches, second to second, a bunch of instincts, not knowing, a giant mess.

i've come to terms with this, i accept this now.

there's nothing guiding me anyway, nothing but my own cluelessness. that's okay. there's no knowing what comes next.

i'm free, i'm relieved from the stress of trying so hard to know, needing to know, needing to understand or predict, when it's all futile. 

i accept that it's futile, accept that i can't know, that i'm clueless and ignorant in all those decisions i make, and that's okay. 

i can't always know what's right or good, i'm giving up on that expectation, i am released.

Edited June 19 by Judy2

[Judy2]

those past few years, i have created so much anxiety for myself because of this expectation that I. NEED. TO KNOW.. WHAT'S RIGHT.

i can't know

i don't know

there's no way to know

there's no way to understand

or predict

or plan

or philosophise, predestine, foresee, forecast 

all the things that are going to happen

and what they mean

and what they'll say about me

and who i am and who i was and who i'll become and if i'm good, 

if i was ever destined to be good or appropriate or acceptable

 

all those worries are so pointless, they don't lead anywhere, i'm done

 

Life is chaos

Anarchy

 

i accept that.

i accept that i am ignorant and alone and helpless, clueless in my decisions, in my actions, in my attempts to "make things right"

i'm blind and clueless and small, anything but omniscient, i can't know everything, i don't have the vision or power to control everything

can't even control or construct myself or who i'll be, i'm powerless...or at least not all-powerful

which is fine

[Judy2]

i'm here and i don't have a clue what i'm doing or where any of this is leading...and that's okay.

 

guess this is the point where i should still, heavy-heartedly, try and promise to myself to take good care of myself and to *try*, again and again, to act in my own best interest

like long-term and stuff

...oh

[Judy2]

which is what i've been doing all along

just sometimes with a tad too much stubbornness

a tad too much stubbornness, and perfectionism. wanting to get it all right 100% of the time, because if i don't, i'd be exposed, i'd realise what i just realised, that i can't know and don't know, and that i'm clueless, and that all i can do is try. try my best, based on a hunch. every second of every day. 

with no clue where any of it is leading. hell, that's scary.

but i guess it's more true than pretending i could know, or "figure things out", "decipher where things are supposed to lead".

i can't, i don't. 

all i can do is try, and then live with the consequences. ouch.

[Judy2]

what if i'm bad at trying, what if i do things wrong, what if i mess things up

 

then it's all MY fault

[Judy2]

i want to be good, and beautiful, and happy 

 

i am small

i feel tiny 

[Judy2]

if i get up and try, i'll stumble, i'll be clumsy, i'll fall

[Judy2]

27 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

those past few years, i have created so much anxiety for myself because of this expectation that I. NEED. TO KNOW.. WHAT'S RIGHT.

i can't know

i don't know

there's no way to know

there's no way to understand

or predict

or plan

or philosophise, predestine, foresee, forecast 

all the things that are going to happen

and what they mean

and what they'll say about me

and who i am and who i was and who i'll become and if i'm good, 

if i was ever destined to be good or appropriate or acceptable

 

all those worries are so pointless, they don't lead anywhere, i'm done

 

Life is chaos

Anarchy

 

i accept that.

i accept that i am ignorant and alone and helpless, clueless in my decisions, in my actions, in my attempts to "make things right"

i'm blind and clueless and small, anything but omniscient, i can't know everything, i don't have the vision or power to control everything

can't even control or construct myself or who i'll be, i'm powerless...or at least not all-powerful

which is fine

 

if i'm honest, this is pretty good.

maybe i should be proud of myself, it's taken long enough to get to this point.

 

it's just weird that these realisations come in spirals. they're truthful, but then i go on to see and feel that it still matters what i'll be like as a person (if i'm likeable, if people think i'm smart, and pretty, and all those kinds of things), and i'll still have to worry about that in the future, at least to some extent. so there'll be a balancing act, which sounds kind of exhausting.

Edited June 19 by Judy2

[Judy2]

balance, not black and white but shades of grey, that's scary

that's groundless chaos

unknown territory

 

...anarchy, like i said

 

where do i hold onto?

is there anything my hands could grasp?

or is it all just free-fall 

forever

[Judy2]

On 18/06/2025 at 8:00 PM, Judy2 said:

i feel a desire to share some old pictures. i feel this every year during this time, sometimes in the months inbetween as well, and it may not be the wisest thing to do, i don't know if this nostalgia is healthy, i don't know if i have the right to share these pictures, if this is harmful in any way

...but i feel the desire to share, and maybe this is the wrong place...if so, please let me know, and i'll delete, but i don't know where else i could share them.

 

so these pictures are five years old, and i survived, i "got better" soon afterwards,

but when i look at these pictures, my brain still goes

she was beautiful

maybe more beautiful than i'll ever be, moving forward ( - sadness arises.... desperation)

 

i don't think i want to go back, back down there....but yes, i do still feel some nostalgia from time to time, looking at these images.

i was sick back then, i was tired, i was dying

hurting myself to the degree that i had to dissociate away, had to leave the body be for a second, to "let the body live", while i refused to identify with it any longer

it's messy, it's complicated, it was intense

existential

impersonal

 

but yeah, i feel like words aren't enough and i want to share these pictures with someone.

not sure if it's harmful though.

it feels heavy having them on my phone and knowing i'm the only one who's ever looked at most of them. i was pretty alone during these hours when i was, as it felt, at my most beautiful - hours which could have been my last.

they aren't instagrammable.

most of these shots are pretty ostensibly disordered, aren't the product of photo shoots, but disordered rituals and body checking ceremonies.

 

okay let's try 

 

 

(edit: tried, deleted)

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 20 by Judy2

[Judy2]

guess the ones with my face on it look a bit more friendly, at least

 a tiny bit less ostensibly disordered

a tiny bit more like there's an actual girl, an actual soul living in there

 

which is what i wanted to be seen all along

and maybe i'd want it to be seen now

 

but i can't really find an appropriate place to share those pictures...so i'll have to contend myself for now, maybe try again later

[meta_male]

47 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

(edit: tried, deleted)

You did. That's what counts.

[Judy2]

@meta_male

yeah idk if it's right that i feel a desire to share those pictures. maybe that's just a very toxic, disordered part of me that wants them to be seen. 

 

Edited June 20 by Judy2

[meta_male]

@Judy2 Wanting to be seen at your most raw doesn’t make you toxic, it makes you human. Those pictures hold a story your body survived. You were seen. And I gotta say, respect.

[Judy2]

@meta_male thank you:)

[Judy2]

i wanted to preface this by saying that "emotionally, i'm a mess"...but that's what i say all the time, nothing new about that.

 

i made the decision that i'll be visiting my parents next week. i haven't been at their house, let alone near my hometown, in five long years.

 

and MY HEART IS TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD GO

now, i don't know if this is right. 

i don't know if my motivation is right...it's shades of grey, as usual. but all the whiteness and blackness of my Soul is telling me that i should go, that i want to go, that i need to go...

that i'm terrified, but if people do want me being decisive, and if making mistakes is okay, if perfection isn't required

...i should go. simply because i want to.

for all the wrong reasons, and for all the right reasons, too. 

i'm done analysing if this is "healthy me" or "sick me" wanting this.

i want this. 

i'm scared, and circumstances aren't ideal...they never were in five years, of course. 

 

 

it's brave that i want to go regardless, i think.

and i'll be a mess, going back. i'll feel all the feelings being back. i'm prepared for that. i want that. 

i'm brave, and i am strong. 

and i'll be happy, coming back after all those years.

[Judy2]

...i think?

i'm still scared.

but i don't care.

out of all the things that i don't know, i do know that a return to my hometown, the place where i grew up, where i spent my childhood, where my parents live, my brother lives! ...would be meaningful, would be something that i want, and all else is something i'll figure out later.

[Judy2]

i don't know if this makes sense, or if it has to make sense

 

i'm scared

i'm terrified

 

but i'll just do this and see what happens

and give myself some time to feel through all the things i'll feel

 

i'm ready

hit me

[Judy2]

maybe if i go back for some wrong reason, out of a wrong, impure motivation, out of the wrong context

i'll "ruin the story"

my beautiful life story that i am so anxious to protect, so anxious to write "right", so anxious to control, to "make it go right", to make sure i'll make it out of the story as the beautiful, virtuous heroine. make it out looking good, so i should be anxious and make sure nothing goes wrong (interpret, interpret, interpret). i really shouldn't mess this up.

...I DON'T CARE.

i want to go back.

my heart wants me to go. 

 

because i have a soul, i may be harsh and cold at times

but Gosh i care about my home and my parents (and my brother!) and that beautiful house, that beautiful village where i spent so many years of my life.

i want to go back...simply because i can...and may.

out of all the things in the world, i know i want this.

so i'll just go and get it.

[Judy2]

GOSH i'm SCARED

and everything is so COMPLEX

 

but this. is. right.

 

aaah.

and it'll be REAL, of course.

and we all know i'm scared of Reality. 

but i want this.

OH God.

 

...been wondering, too, if i'll dissociate when i get there. i might. if so, i know how to deal with that now. 

or i might indeed stay sober.

i don't know which one will be worse. 

they're equally terrifying.

 

 

God, i wish i could AVOID this forever.

but i can't escape Reality anyway...one version of Reality, i'll have to live. (interpret, interpret, interpret, be anxious!, make sure it's the right one!)

i can't have Perfection, i can't know what'll happen

...but i know i want this. 

i'm imperfect, maybe i'm even ugly

maybe i'm too weak and broken to make everything "go right"

 

but i want this

 

 

....ah, ah, ah... like i said, those feels i was talking about