awake&aware: on dreams and emotions

[Judy2]

there's something painful that happened to me more than two years ago, and for some reason i am thinking about it more than usual these days. it makes me sad. and i don't know what to do, other than to wait and sit with the pain. which feels quite horrible.

i know that, at the time, i was trying quite desperately to get rid of the emotions i felt, to resolve them, somehow, but i couldn't. this resulted in a collection of neat little scars on my thigh...much neater, much more orderly, than the situation that had led up to them. 

it sucks, being wiser now, perhaps. knowing that i cannot call or text a soul on this planet to feel better, to fix what happened, to undo it. and more scars will not help me, either. all i can do is sit with the pain, and let it be.

which is quite a dissatisfying state....because what happens next? it's so torturous to wait, and wait, and wait....and things get neither better nor worse. i know that for a long time i had to make them worse, just to feel like i was doing something about it.