awake&aware: on dreams and emotions

[Judy2]

this morning, i feel a little better. it won't last, but it's also good to remember that i keep coming back to this state, just as i keep coming back to the unhappiness. 

a few days ago, i started taking my gratitude journal a little more seriously again, and while this can easily be yet another thing that i do only to improve myself, perhaps it's still worth it, and it's a valid way of looking after myself - so i'll keep doing that for the next few months.

a gratitude journal won't make me happy, but not writing down gratitudes will not make me happy, either. so i believe i've got nothing to lose, and it is true that this sort of thing can have an impact on the mind/brain. 

Edited October 16 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel dizzy from wearing headphones all the time...but it's not exactly safe when i take them off - not even in my own apartment, not even when i go to sleep, because i hear my neighbour stomping on the ground. when i fall asleep in the evening, i usually wake up again because i hear his steps...despite the fact that i started double-stacking noise cancelling headphones. 

i hate this, it makes me so uncomfortable and i feel so unsafe. 

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i am surprised to find that i feel so much better, overall, now that the new term has started. the lectures give me something meaningful to do - more than i had hoped for, actually? - and, of course, it is also nice to see my friends again.

yesterday was an incredibly stressful day, though, because i had to coordinate so many appointments and set up my new schedule, but now that everything is figured out, i can settle into it and actually start to enjoy the lectures and seminars.

i know that in the weeks leading up to this, i have spent so much time thinking that it is a big problem that i don't have a proper job yet, even though i am already 24, and i sometimes regret having started over with a whole new undergraduate degree...but at the moment, it does feel right and meaningful. and again, i feel taken care of when i'm just sat in front of somebody and i have to do as i am told, and that's it. what a beautiful life. 

i can keep looking for a second (or third) job, though, while i am at it. one of my two jobs pays really well, but the problem is that my hours are limited and very irregular....so i have been hoping to expand in that area.

Edited Tuesday at 04:45 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i finally pushed myself to keep reading my French book, and it's almost quite romantic....except that it's set in the 1930s and the love interest is called "Hans Krüger"....so i can't quite take it seriously, especially when i practise reading aloud.

Edited Saturday at 03:53 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

Sundays are annoying. I've tried my best to make them more fun, and usually that works until I hit mid-afternoon and I feel bored and lonely again. 

Throughout the week, I am so stressed with appointments, but Sundays are just... blank. 

I've been on two walks, listened to a new podcast twice, done my laundry, studied, read, revised some French on Duolingo, embroidered, polished my nails, cleaned my kitchen, cooked lunch... and I feel empty. Had I set a time to meet some friends, I probably would have felt stressed and uncomfortable because of it - but I feel lonely as is and wish they would make time for me on the weekends. 

It's not for a lack of passion or interests that I am so bored. Things are just difficult to coordinate, and I can't be a cook, dietitian, cookbook author, language teacher, and psychology student all at once...so while I do have to decide on a few things at a time (because of conflicting schedules and the physical distances between appointments) ... somehow, between all this, Sunday afternoons are still so sad and empty. 

I could go to a café, and maybe I will next Sunday, but this would be another appointment to stress over. 

Edited 12 hours ago by Judy2