awake&aware: on dreams and emotions

[Judy2]

there's something painful that happened more than two years ago, and for some reason i am thinking about it more than usual these days. it makes me sad. and i don't know what to do, other than to wait and sit with the pain. which feels quite horrible.

i know that, at the time, i was trying quite desperately to get rid of the emotions i felt, to resolve them, somehow, but i couldn't. this resulted in a collection of neat little scars on my thigh...much neater, much more orderly, than the situation that had led up to them. 

it sucks, being wiser now, perhaps. knowing that i cannot call or text a soul on this planet to feel better, to fix what happened, to undo it. and more scars will not help me, either. all i can do is sit with the pain, and let it be.

which is quite a dissatisfying state....because what happens next? it's so torturous to wait, and wait, and wait....and things get neither better nor worse. i know that for a long time i had to make them worse, just to feel like i was doing something about it. 

Edited September 13 by Judy2

[Judy2]

these past few days, body image has been a little better than usual.

i have had the time to go to the gym more consistently, and i also challenged myself to go to some yoga classes. there are a handful of things about the setting of a yoga class that make me deeply uncomfortable, but in general this has felt like doing something good for me and my body. 

[Judy2]

i'm not really happy today.

i was happy for a very brief moment, after speaking with a doctor who was quite kind and who wrote me a letter so that i can have my legs checked by an orthopedist (because of my shin splints).

then i went to a yoga class, which was very frustrating. it's supposed to be for beginners, but it was all way too fast, i hate how i'm supposed to listen to the whole "right arm to the left, left leg to the right, then up..." ... for a whole hour, do the exercises while watching the instructor (when the poses involve bending my head...)...and i feel judged by the instructor whenever i don't manage or when i'm out of balance and not stable enough.

i went home, i feel so bored and lonely, all my friends are on holiday....i haven't properly connected with anyone in weeks.

in the evening, i pushed myself to go outside again, but there were too many people and i felt very annoyed. probably pms. 

i'm kind of depressed now. bored and stressed. there are a handful of things to do, including my tax report and some applications, and it's all very frustrating because they seem to be never-ending projects that i can never quite get over with.

everything feels pointless, i spend too much time thinking about money, which is completely useless and not even helpful in any way.

ugh.

body image also sucks - funny how that can change in just 1 day.

Edited Thursday at 05:56 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

still feeling bored, so i started rewatching Downton Abbey. it's messing with my head a little and has me wanting to speak in a posh accent even more than usual. good heavens. 

i also pulled out my late grandma's iron and ironing board to iron some clothes and a piece of fabric i would like to embroider on. i hope she is looking down on me to see that her possessions are still appreciated even after she is gone....and i think of her, and how these used to be some of the objects her daily life centred around. at first, it felt a bit vulgar to ask my parents to bring me these objects from the house, but now i feel that this is a legitimate way of honouring Hannelore. i feel more connected to her now than i had felt during those fifteen years when she was still alive, but comatose. 

Edited 5 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

sometime in December, when i was little, grandma was staying with my parents, my brother and i. one afternoon, she dragged me to the train station. i was so young, i didn't even get the objective and thought it was just a walk.

then i saw a man with a cap, pointed at him and told my grandma "look! that man looks just like grandpa!" and she yelled with joy, "yes, that's him!". 

Edited 4 hours ago by Judy2