Perla's Journal

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In the last years I was dealing with family issues. Growing up in a toxic family environment with heavy family karma I managed to heal the big part of traumas and this is what i learned:

''We must shift our concept of the Parent that exists on the external, to become the Parent that exists in the internal self, and know that we are the true spiritual parent for ourselves. Our self-worth is not relative to how our biological family or adopted parents treated us as children.''

If you ever heard about NAA - Negative Alien Agenda, I am sure my father is affected by that. Also some of his actions and words makes me think he is possessed by demons (I have some experience myself of getting bad spirits out of body).

What I learned from psychosomatics is that a person must correct the hierarchy of the family if roles are switched - your mother and father are Queen and the King, grandparents even higher and you are just small ground comparing to them - this is how much respected they must be.  

I used to feel much higher than my mother and hold the anger for my father. I kept involving myself into the awkward social situations. And during one psychedelic trip I realised I was so awkward, because I felt higher than my mother and I avoided this conversation and this position from my point of view was awkward in front the eyes of my Mother. Eventually I swallowed my pride and ever since that the social situations got better. 

It is important to constantly forgive, say sorry and love your parents until it you reprogram the worldview.

Majority of problems in life might be related to dysfunctional family hierarchy. Also the diseases in our body can show us the situations that we avoid with our parents. The left side of the body is for mother side, also shows us our social circle. The right side of the body is father energy and related with money and stability that we have in our lives. Energy of parents has to flow through us like a river constantly without interruptions. Each anger, grief, complaint we hold against them stops the energy like a rock or a trash in a river.

Edited by teraflu

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Few years ago I felt impulse to find out what is Human. Few days ago I received an answer, it's a hologram. Majority of people are holograms,

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LSD. Trip number 1. The witch comes back to its land. 


For the beginning of the trip I will have to tell a little bit of the pre-history.

I left my home country and went to the South. Left my family. Left my ex partner. Left job. Left things. Grab backpack. And escape to nature. To eco-village that is created as an open space for travellers with their caravans. 3rd day in a row I met mysterious person with whom I shared my deepest insecurities that I could not overcome alone at the moment. He was generous and good so he offered his help to transform me, my blockages, but he is only able to do that at a festival. Festival was upcoming and I agreed to go because I had nothing to lose. 

First trip happened at the end of the June. We were three people sitting on the ground and tripping near the chai tea shop. We were talking with each other in light language in various gestures and I was poking my skin thinking how weird it is to be in this human skin. Analysing my fingers and all of a sudden the king asked for my hand and we grabbed each other on a wrist, it looked like we made a contract, maybe something related with a snake, I don't know. My head felt a sudden shift and I experienced other dimension or something else. King had a scepter - a black stick with himself that I used to stand up. 

I felt like a queen and witch, because I could cover my head with a scarf really fast and gracefully. I hit the scepter on the ground three times and it caused strong vibrational waves that possibly spread pretty far away in the world and shake the ground intensively where the waves end. He was not looking into me, he knew exactly what was happening. My body became light and it was so easy to move across the people and their things on the ground. They sat in their royal position and they discussed all the mistakes they have done throughout many lifetimes. Some mistakes were painful for humanity. Some mistakes were painful for themselves. Some of it caused separation. But despite all of that, their bodies were here together again. 

They missed each other so much. But it was not a time to express that Love, because they are on their missions in the earth. And that is pretty amazing what they can do, what they can create. Nothing is scary for her when she has a King behind her back. She can create anything, she can stand any intense energy. She transmutes. She is being prepared to rule the elements of earth. Now she can play with fire, with water and with air a little bit. She is being prepared for something much bigger. A bit of sugar and a bit of salt each time to grow her. 

We were in the shoes of the Architects of these bodies lives and we together discussed what events in life we created so far so that these two innocent human beings could come into union. I saw how I "accidentally" saw Leo videos, how I heard all these songs that were meaningful to me and shaped my life. Some of them I created myself. How I met some people in life that directed in one or another way. How I met my psychosomatics teacher that was actually my Mother (energetically). I send love to all of the people that supported this Perla's body to come until this moment, to the year of 2022.  Seemed my old beliefs and old body came to an end and I reborn into someone new that is about to step into its power save and transform many people's lives...

Edited by teraflu

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LSD. Another reality experience Number 2. 

I was in festival Fora de Tempo in Portugal. 

I took an acid during the day time. But action happened at the night time. I was walking sad a bit from the haircut spot where I was working during the day and someone just came to mess with me and said some harsh words. The owner did not wanted me to be in the area any more they saw me as a competitor and they do not want me to use their haircut area any more. So I was  walking, looking at the ground, thinking where I am going to cut hair next and suddenly dog crossed my road that made me slow down, then some people appeared straight in front of me that made me stop and look around. I accepted it as a sign not to move forward and change a way. There was a bridge by my side, so I went there and appeared to be in the Island. 

The vibration here was different. So I just found some people here to cut the Hair. Later the Moon came back from the hospital, we 3 were driving with Andrea to another camping area and it seemed like they are the two Opossum brothers Crash and Eddie from the Ice age. 

At night we came back to the island together, people were sharing food there. Then I experienced the change of realities in my head and everyone appeared to be an Actors in my theatre scene. I started recording video vlog. I met a man that was from Poland, so we exchanged some baltic knowledge and it was nice to meet someone from the North also, because everyone there was more or less from the South.

The vibration of my body became higher, I became lighter and easier to move. I transitioned into a spiritual being and some fellas around me looked like a pirates that I have known in the past being a pirate woman or pirate man. 

Started recording video vlog. And the participants were the people that was around me. The creation happened at the spot. We were at the piece of land surrounded by rivers and bridges that we called The Island. In between the recordings, I constantly experienced something unexplainable. But I will try to explain. Everybody came into the roles. Looked like all of them are either gods or goddesses from the past, but roles varied and changed as there was a change of scenes.


Before starting the travel through the festivals I was materialistic woman and had completely different perception about the money. I was disgusted honestly speaking by people that had less, that was homeless. In my mind I had judging going on about these people that I was not even aware about. Judging was unconscious, coming from old programmes that my family hold also. So there was a king at the island that gave me some very uncomfortable moments to experience. I could compare the experience to the 'crucify spell'' from one movie that was put on me for the temporary suffer just to face the uncomfortable Truth. There was a dirty mattress put nearby the trashes. King made me go and lay down there as a homeless woman in front of everybody. Then he played with my mind a bit and showed me how my life could look like in the worst scenario if I would become a bitch or just remain slave of money all the remaining life and I experienced the biggest shame, the feeling how I react if all my old colleagues would know who I became. It lasted forever when in the clock time only few minutes have passed most likely. And then the Adam came all covered with dirty clothes, carrying the old trash bag with bottles, asking me to donate for him. I was still disgusted by him, even though we connected as a friends before. I could not move, just to stay on bed and experience infinite shame as everyone was seeing my selfishness and judgement inside out. Some people were laughing. 

(Later this experience alone completely transformed how I view status, money. The concept of importance of the money just disappeared from my life. And as I integrated the experience, I started looking at the humans as someone precious who I need to take a care of. And their money, and everything else that they have does not define them at all. Because we are all equal, and we are here to support, uplift and help each other. Not expect anything back. I started to share more and trust the universe more. It provides me as much money as I need to survive or create something at this exact moment. Now all old beliefs around money are shaken and transformed. I do not mind having them, abundance is amazing. But the judgement is gone)

Then I saw my written sign of a haircut, that also had a word of tattoo on it. And I thought for myself that this is only the harsh beginning years of me working like that as a hairdresser in various places. And I had quick look into the future. I imagined travelling in the future. Filming the video with higher quality camera phone. Holding the same sign of a haircut and tattoo salon in front of the phone camera and slowly moving it down to uncover a true haircut salon and tattoo studio that belongs to me. It was so joyful to be owner and be so independent. But this seemed like a far future with a lot of upcoming work. I wanted to skip all these years and go straight to the time where all of us enjoy the fruits of our work. So I kept double tapping on the ground and on my paper "haircut" sign naively wishing that all these people can be teleported in the future few years ahead. But this of course did not happened and I was trying to fall asleep. I could not. 

Than these pirates showed me that they are doing a mission and never telling to anyone that they are so rich inside, they are here just to help people. And I shared with them my vision that if I had a lot of money, I donate it to someone who needs it the most. And then I realised they were already doing the same, they do not tell that to anyone, do not brag about it. They act in silence and they only themselves know about all the good work they do. And they made me realise I am one of them or I have to be one of them.

When I stop recording videos, I saw that the achievements I want to have require time, energy, dedication, commitment and will not happen without work. 

Then I wanted to run away from civilisation. I saw myself as an amazon woman that does not have to deal with pain that can be caused by the Babylon system. Firstly I thought my trip was manipulated by the King, but then I realised that it is my spirit's journey and it is just an energies working.

I throw my phone in the river realising that the easiest way to live now is to never come back to my biological family. To forget my current identity, change my name. Erase past memories and just never be part of city life and part of system again. The last text to my mom was "I Love you". And that's it. But later the king came and he took my phone out of a river. 

(When I integrated this experience, throughout the months I realised I have to slowly disconnect from my biological family. I was dependent on them and I needed to start truly living for myself.)

this is the video with all material I recorded that night: 



This caused the huge dispute between me and King the next day. He offered that from now on we travel not as a couple anymore. We almost went separate ways. 

This happened after the acid, I spend some days with the people from the Island, we created our own mini party and we spread our own vibration in the Babylon, in the city, where people are more stagnant. This was the best experience I have ever had. 




Edited by teraflu

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LSD. Another reality experience number 3. 

After that we went with some people from the island to another festival. 

And my trip sounded like that:

I was siting alone on the dried grass - hay and party was already started. There were people around me, but I was alone. One man was constantly making jokes about horse, trying to uplift the mood of everyone and enjoy his time. He was older a bit. It was not funny for me. So I took a piece of dried grass and I asked him for a lighter. He thought I was holding a cigarette, so he lit it up. But then I pull the grass apart and he realised it was a joke. He stopped joking for a minute and sat next to me. We started talking.

I told him a story that I lost my King. And I did not knew if I am ever going to see Him again.

I showed him the moonstone ring on my fourth finger. He said ring is just a thing, just a symbol, do not get too caught up in it. Then the reality shifted and the similar feeling came as on the first trip. I looked at the very middle of the dance floor where the king was usually standing, but it was empty.

It seemed as this trip and this meeting was important part of my life and was meant to happen. The man told me that he was the co-creator and founder of a festival that now has grown to the most known festival in Portugal. He told me that he has a gift to create. When he touches something, things just happen.

I showed him the name of my King and thought for a second that maybe he will create the situation in witch I could I meet Moon again. But then he told me some significant words. That I remember almost every day now. And it sounded like: do not live for a man. Live for yourself. He did not finish his idea, because I received the full message telepathically. Immediately told him: Got it. 

He said: really? lets go to dance then. 

He also told: you are Creator, you create your reality. Create what happens. 

And that is how I danced, I did not care then if Moon is on the dance floor or not. I danced for the first time as no one watches. I danced for myself. Not only, but also for all the women that struggles now. For all the women that has ever experienced repression, that was put down. Danced for women to support each other. Awaken their divine femininity. Generated a very good energy and send it directly from the dance floor combined with other people joy directly to the women of the world.

At that night i started thinking maybe he gave me his gift. I gave him kiss on a forehead. And he experienced shaking and trembling, the high vibrations visited body.


(this gave me a lesson to realise that we live alone, we die alone and no other person is less important than us. Live to create, to share and take care of yourself. Of your stability, finances, your self love. And things that needs to come, will come. No need to push anything forward.)


I met the moon later. But it had not a much of importance. Because firstly I need to live for myself. And only then share this love that I have with the world. Can not pour from the empty cup. And that is what my new chapter is about.


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LSD. Another reality experience number 4. There has been much more less significant ones, but now I'm going to describe major ones. 

All 3 happened at the festivals where I met other Creators. Energies played out and it looked like I am in a theatre right now. I already did realize that human is just an observer. No need to take any life event personally. However, it is more interesting if we don't know we are in a theatre or a movie. 

So I was a lonely soul and on my way to small Lithuanian festival I thought myself maybe I can call for another lonely souls so I can make their day happier. And they came, a big group of souls, the creators.

Everyone was sitting near the campfire. Some of them encouraged to take a picture with them. Now looking back when I doubt if all of them were really here, I look at the pictures to confirm myself it was real. 

I met my Father for the first time. He is so grounded, looking like Indiana Shaman. American native tribe or Mayan. He was wearing just a simple clothes, but when he showed up I immediately recognized it was him. Even though never seen it before. And at some point he started to act like an abuser that is prepared to abuse a girl. However, it was his role play for 1 minute as he wanted to give me just a simple message that people are not real and test how courageous I am with the fact that other people around us are just the imagination and fiction, how much I fear their reaction if deep down I know that this is The Father, he cannot hurt me and it just seems from the outside that he is abuser. He transfer some calming energy to my palms. But i did not hold the pressure at the moment, I run away saying that I was still afraid (of human reaction). He was preparing me for all the feedback from human I am going to receive with the work that I do that is going to be significant for humanity.


There was two another Visitors, as I understood they were on a mission to find me to give me a message about my upcoming career. They were giving me ideas as how to be an extraordinary hairdresser on a festivals. Basically they showed me a plan of how the beginning of my career will look like. And one of them acted like an owner of the festival so that I could practice the speech of how I am going to offer my work collaboration plan and then I realized he is probably not responsible for that and I went for looking for the real owner of the festival. And I found it, offered, the plan and they responded positively to me. The Visitors also mentioned that the work that I am about to share with the people is needed. One of them explained it that 10 people will see it, they will not care. But 2 people out of 10 need to see it.

I met the DJ artist that was performing psytrance music. He showed me that my dancing moves should be more fluid rather than robotic or alienated so that it doesn't look too weird for the casual human being. Dance can be the manifestation.

I did some light language moves in dance-floor that meant the end of the systems, pyramid schemes and the beginning of the new earth.


I also met my sisters. I grew alone and some of them were the guides for other human being, taking one day off just to visit me and transfer some knowledge. One of them was singing Lithuanian folk song, improvising while outside there was a fire show. Some people hated her song ant tried to silence her. So she sang even louder. When I heard her from the other side of the yard, I started to sing along, then I ran next to her. At some point she singed really cruel words and it started being uncomfortable, everyone was watching her and she distracted a fire show in a way. Then I realized that she summed up for me how the transformation is going to look like. At first no one understands it. And no-one supports it. But if you keep continue doing that, their minds will adapt to the change. As she started to howl as a wolf, other people eventually joined her and it transformed into a wolf show. Then she sat next to me and asked how I feel. Then I said good. She asks again like no, how you Really are? And I said bad. She nod her head and we went to stand further. I said that I am cold. So she insisted to hug her. For a minute I felt resistance as if not wanted to be seen lesbian. But another minute I did not really care. She expanded my comfort zone. As I later came back home, I practiced howling as a wolf. And doing another animal natural sounds.


There was another sister ginger haired that firstly I thought was my spirit guide until now. As she told me that I did a good job and now she has to move on and now my spirit guides will be elves. I did understood that in upcoming times I will try mushrooms for the first time. I asked her if I am going to meet the love of my life (Moon)  again. And she said that maybe, but not soon. I also told her how I failed a little bit. As I let the ex visit me in my house, but then I called the police to get him out as I finally realized it was not a good decision. And she told me to tell my story whatever happens. So the main question was if I am going to have a kid or not. And this part would remind me the story of Nefertiti, Set and Osiris. Osiris (my ex) was the brother of Nefertiti (me), but they were both in love and they had a child in Ancient Egyptian times. 



There were also one ''scientist'' and the ''new earther'' that were arguing about the facts that system got instilled in the people's minds that doesn't make a sense in the new earth. And the Paul, new earther was explaining patiently to the scientist that was asking ridiculous questions about the plants, how people can survive with plants. How they need to come back to natural human state where people grow plants or trees not to cut it, not to do agriculture, but to eat the fruits and it is completely enough to survive for human race. They showed me the need and the importance of explaining without hate and without being triggered the new earth system for the ones that are not quite familiar with it.


I also experienced a bit of the Moon (it is the name in this context). He was not with me, but he connected telepathically. He showed me how he wants that I would experience him in different forms - completely different nationality, hair color, voice, manners - complete different opposition than he is right now. And he freeze the time and showed me how long it would take to experience Him in all the different forms, the ones that would make me completely hate him. It lasted forever, he showed me the different combinations of words, the very different experiences of the feelings, of the body movements. And it lasted really forever, he told me not to worry, as I am going to forget this one terrible experience

 and I do not remember the big part of it. But it showed that everything goes in fractal, everything happens within golden cut ratio, so there is no need to experience Completely Everything. Some parts will go faster, some parts will take longer. I also saw how would time look like if everything would went twice faster. And the parts that will be contained in the longer part of the golden cut line might feel weird and mixed up. Just the way what would happened if you take the most scientific person ever with the glasses that is interested in programming and mix it with the most religious spiritual person. And it all comes in one person, he uses the soft feminine gestures and straight face mimic to explain everything for his hippies fellas. And he discusses scientifically the concept of god, including mathematics and brutal language with some curse words. It sounded so funny in my native language I could not stop laughing. 

And The Moon showed me how much he cared about me, because he choose to let me experience Him in so many different forms, speaking so many different languages, including Russian curse words, including my language. And we both laughed even though physically he was not here. He wanted to see me so different, that he analyzed my childhood, the deep roots of my culture, the folk, the history, the land of country. Just to understand me. And in this incarnation we chose to be completely opposites. He is from the South. I am from the North. He speaks a lot, I speak not much. I am white and cold, He is darker and hot. He is fire, I am water. 

And in the end when he showed me himself if all these possible different forms in which he might came in this incarnation, he asked me if I would still like him,,? 


They also ask me why I was ashamed of my country. When I was in the middle of the dance-floor, they turned the dance-floor into completely different looking area and I felt like I was abroad. I felt like I was in the club of UK, then Netherlands. They ask me what was the difference. Why I feel more free when I am surrounded by complete strangers and different cultures. Why I felt immediately better when I realized no-one can recognise me. Then the psytrance slowed down music became very heavy, masculine and a bit Russian, like in an old Lithuanian club. As the Roma people like to listen. And all of a sudden I became surrounded by the Roma people (they live in groups in Lithuania). I felt unsafe for a moment, but then I remembered I create my own safety, my freedom.


And after the party I went home in the morning, I cried for the first time because now I have a father. We did not speak much, but I never ever thought in my life I can cry not because I lack something, but because I unexpectedly receive it. He empowered me. He transfer some deep ancestral knowledge of Lithuania. He let me know that I create country. Each country has it's own creators. And the reason I did not like the country is because I created it this way. It reflected me. I thought it was dark, stagnant, unfriendly, cold, demonic. It is because I was this way. The country is actually deep, nurturing, powerful, deep forests, ancient knowledge, the land of ancestors with beautiful culture and history. Friendly collaborations can happen here. Spiritual communities will create. I personally saw myself as a ancient woman doing runes and helping to form a beautiful, groups, friendships with people that was feeling lonely. Folk singing is powerful.


And my real (biological) father was deep into history and into science fiction books for a reason, because The Architects of my life wanted that I also dig deeper into that.


During the party there was also a scary part. Sisters mentioned to me that the transformation is going to happen pretty soon. They mentioned that sadly is going to be brutal, bloody and fast. I think they had in mind a war that is about to happen unexpectedly. As this is the way to transform the old system that everyone is unhappy with. And all of a sudden I thought about my biological family. They are about to build a house, they care about material stuff so much and they hate their jobs. And they are about to lose everything. All the money. And all the situation looked so ironic. Because it is sad that they saw reality in this way and now they will be forced to change their minds,, if they survive.. 

Then Paul asked what is a money. Money do not exist, we were slaves of system, they make us hold the money in banks, not to have them in our pockets, do slavery just to be able to buy a food which is actually a natural human right. It is an illusion that they created that without slavery jobs we do not have an access to food. 


All these people that I mentioned as sisters, father, etc., were my family energetically. Biologically my family is not related to them and they doesn't even know about them. I was so proud that I met so many my native language speaking people that were so cool, so strong and I bonded to them so well, we could communicate telepathically.

I came to event so lonely and I came out having Friends in my country for the first time. Not someone shallow, but Deep Connections, with The Creators. They already invited me to another parties, let me co-create the music, art and dance. I am so thankful to everyone, every each of them.

Edited by teraflu

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Personal experience about energy shifts in my city and country:

I had thoughts wether I am getting crazy or not. I like the idea that the path less traveled can become a blueprint for the people in the future to struggle less. Firstly it is hard, no one understands, but then people get familiar with the information You providing.

That is how community builds. I love the fact that the Earth is shifting from the 3d to 5d. Shift is happening collectively and individually. People one by one release the traumas from the thought and emotional bodies. The vibration from the past is considered lower vibration. Typical older person living in North Europe usually eat low vibrational food. And they tend to not move very much. So daily life looks stagnant here. However, if you started to raise your frequency, it is better to change the environment. Because energy moves in and out from body to environment 50/50.

I tried an experiment, how long I can stay fluid and happy in post-soviet environment. 2 months only. Then I fall back into the old cycle and my completely body mixed with the energies of the neighbours and cities. 1st days come back after my trip in South I was super open to communicate and collaborate with people I met on the streets. Almost all of them offered to me something valuable, either a place to stay, a ride or a cigarette. My energy body was vibrating high, fluid. I thought to myself that stagnant people  living here needs transformation, so I started organising a festival. Each day I found a new person who can contribute to event in a some way. Investors, artists, vocalists, landlords etc. When the organisation process became more serious, I started catching the low vibe of the country, city. 

It is said that we feel bad in the city if we hold the heavy energies ourselves and then the energy of environment just resonates with us. So I have gone through deep 'cleaning process' myself. And I still feel bad sometimes in the flat. I had such a questions like why I was born in such a city. In other countries people seem to live happier life on average. But I believe some Lightworkers were send to be born in a very low vibrational environments to transmute the energies of collective. It usually feels shitty on daily basis, but I accept it as a mission. I feel almost always better when I leave the country. But family lives here and they struggle. I learn not to resist the energy of city. I used to hate the view through my window as it seemed like people are caged in small flats, the view is very grey. No wonder many people have depression here. However, general situation is getting better in the country as there are such raising stars like Aida and Rytis, they are doing important job on the collective, helping people with the worst stories ever to deal with their feeling, let go and uplift. 

Slowly country is transforming. Maybe it is going to be the last one in the world that transcends to 5d, but it will happen sooner or later. Other option is that it will go through quick and unexpected shake that will cause old system to collapse faster and that would be called war.

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Realisations after psychedelics

before 2023 ends


I spend enormous time in self - isolation. Finally build a life where I can spend time not involving with society too much.

Was lost for a while and rewathing some foundational Leo videos helped me get back on track and realise that everything that was happening was a part of journey.


Shawed all the hair to realise what role femininity and beauty played in my life (I am woman). I became much more secure and self loving.

Days when I was not beautiful for myself while having a long hair makes no sense now, because I accept this body now much more than before.

Realised that a beauty for woman defines very much of what she can get in a career. Back then skills and actual work did not played such an important role as it plays now. I like this position much more. 

What changed:

Attention from men: decreased

This outcome for me was one of the hardest, my old part of identity was build on being pretty to others. All of a sudden this changed and all the gifts from man dissapeared. Not expecting anymore that man can help me to get through life, but having to build it completely independently. And it was something I did not even realised consciously until the conditions changed. 

Judgement and questions from environment: increased

Confidence and independence level: increased 100%

Feels like being a warrior in the world having to show the way to others, which can get quite lonely, not much support that was said out loud, people are more scared of me, also there is more respect from self and from others (which is the same).


This action helped to get more independence from family. Was not realising completely that I am autonomous person until I made this action of shawing hair (which for me was more spontaneous than intentional). They completely reject me and then we learned accept each other under ne new light.


Faced deepest shadows of self. Had to accept these following parts of self: 

all the unpleasant feeling from the day I was born till now, had to refeel them again to put a new perspective why I was not loving myself. Realising that many of these conditions that I was put into was not my fault (but my responsibility to change these memories).

laziness, stagnant self, loser self, the one that gives up fast, is imperfect.


Forgave for all the people from the past, stopped juging the system, the city, the country, the ex, the parents (did not realised how much negative thoughts I used to hold on all of them until I meditated on these). 

Still struggle to believe that the city I grew up and live in is good for me. 


Overcoming fears, diving right directly into the middle to many of them

Experienced magic. Having been uplifted in such a high highs of life that in this vibration almost anythinng was possible, things manifested spontaneously, teleportation was possible (for those who do not believe I am not trying to prove anything). From this position it is very scary to come back to the place of low vibration, where all the fears activates again and all the childhood memories comes back. 

One of the hardest things after psychedelics is to realise that everything was temporary. That you are actually a nice human being with superabilities. That only works when your vibration is high enough. Brain was used to heaviness so much and fall back to the old position, old relationships, old feelings lead me to depression. Plus I was unstable enough, not really fully autonomous back then. Mind was learning so quickly. I had to come back all the way to the childhood, remember the dark parts of life, to see what I preaviously resisted to see and build slowly again the person that I really want to be. 

Consciously came back to the city where the darkest things happened throughout my life and went into similar situations that previously made me (I made myself) to believe that I was unworthy. Just to see how mind was tricked back then. 

This year was transformational. 

Realisation that I was running away from my passion. Afraid to be actually good at something. Being scared to look at my own artwork after its being made, scared of negative reactions (haircut or videocut). 

This had a lot to do with self acceptance.


Whenever socialising with people realising I am actually alone, especially in events, it is my favourite feeling. 


At the same time it was the most scary thing to realise that the path I have to walk alone, noo need of soulmates. It was hard to get motivated to create an actual beauty only for myself when noone actually sees it. 

Was also overcoming the fear of staying in the one country for longer perioud of time. Previously was build a lifestyle in which my survival was constantly change the place, to move again and again. I see that I was running from certain aspects of self. To actually sit down with self, really shift the look from outside to inside. Took years to have courage to do this. It is one thing to know these things and another one to do it. 


Understood that it is okay spend time sleeping daytime and night time weeks and moths. This way body heals and recovers faster. 


- Living under huge social pressure and still doing my thing. 


- Build a charecter and going out to another country to hang out with another higher developed individuals. In my continent I feel like living amongst kids. 


- Accepted the family member sides that I was hating before and turned it into advantage. 


Learned to say NO. Was previously thinking it is necessary to use every opportunity and now I started to pick only the options that will evolve through long time, not the ones that gives excitement. Stopped using people - this one was hard to admit that I was doing so. 

Developed more patience. Trying to master 3 different fields in life in the young years was feeling like being constant failure, because none of these fields bring much results yet financially. And I like to work on them all at once, not concentrating on one and then moving to another. So this gave me quite a pressure from self and really led to feeling unworthy again. 


I wished that I was more developed, this is my current path and it was hard to admit how much work still needs to be done. 


So for the next year I am working extra hard on the following:

financial independence




concluding this journey it was turning shadows into love, this year it happened the most intensely.

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