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Kelley White

100% Respond-ability Toxic Shame And Ptsd

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Good day!  Thank you for taking the time to consider my question.

Last night I watched a video in Leo's Advance Life Purpose Course. 

I then proceeded to two related videos in the free video section related to "blame versus responsibility" and "being a victim".

During the first video I found myself really having a strong emotional reaction to some of the concepts due to the topics covered.  Everything in me wanted to run, even though I listened I found myself beating myself up and becoming very depressed and self accusatory.   How am I responsibility for my dad raping me from the time I was an infant?  I may be an adult and responsible for my reactions in the now?  Many of my reactions come completely out of nowhere.  They take me by surprise and they are very emotionally strong. 

My suspicion is, this is where the work gets tough and the non committed get scarce or bail altogether. 

So rather than fall into that percentage due to resistance, I would like some creative brain storming and feedback. 

Before I delve into what I want the feed back related to?  Here is what I do not want as a response:

A video:  Right now I'm trying to focus on Leo's material and the course because staying focused is a challenge.  If I go off chasing rabbits its easy to avoid and not return to the real work at hand now.

"Leo says..."  If you want to reference one of his videos just name the title and tell me in your own words how its related to the question, I'll watch the Video.   I want your thoughts and experiences.  (Unless you are Leo.  Then Leo is talking to me and using his words, I know its what Leo would really say.)

Quotes from another Guru or speaker; I've read many of them and they can be easy to offer.  I want direct experiences and interaction from people who might be working through or have successfully worked through the same things.  Its concrete versus abstraction.  However metaphor and allegory abstractions are welcome.

What I do want:

I want direct experiences and interaction from people who might be working through or have successfully worked through the same thing.

Practical re framing and or tools to re frame the internal construct

Reality checks based upon direct personal experiences.

Here is what my observation is that I struggle with.

I split.  (Splitting in the psychological definition)

I personalize

I'm hyper aware

I'm hyper critical of me.  For example when I did the judgement worksheets my judgement of others were there for certain, but the judgement list of me?  It did not closely match the list of judgements for others and it was significantly longer than the list of judgements for others.   I was kinder to others than I was to myself.  Here was my proof.  I judged me for things I would be more understanding of others for doing.

Now I'm going to provide a humorous example of how this flight fright responsibility thing kicks my ass in really stupid ways.

I am at a public event which involves alcohol; and two men start fighting.  I revert to training and experience, step in the middle stop the fight.   No victim mentality at all, very serious situation, didn't have to fight, just talked the situation to rationality.

Same evening, later at a party and everyone is playing this game that has dirty words on cubes.  (Kind of like the erotic version of boggle only words for sentences versus letters for words.) I try to avoid playing.  No that won't work.  They are all having this thing called fun?  I am wondering where my physics research is.  That's fun.  This?  This seems like something ten year olds do; twittering over using naughty words with no understanding that when we write and speak we create reality.  (My judgement based upon my observations of writing and speaking; I own that.)

So now I'm standing in front of this group of folks and I'm looking at these cubes.  My first thought?  I'm a writer surely I can create a non sexual sentence out of something in this pile of wooden cubes mocking me?  Not these cubes.  These cubes are committed to their sexual identity and they are made of wood.  They have no reservations being comfortable with themselves. 

I froze.  I couldn't talk, I could move, I just stood there wishing I was invisible or that the aliens would beam me up,the ground would open up and just swallow me, I would gain the instantaneous superpower of invisibility... at that point I would have been ready for about any event that could have extricated myself from these deviant mocking little wooden cubes.  I literally had an entire PTSD melt down over words on cubes.  

I was graciously rescued and talked through things so I could realize 1. I did not have to play.  I could say no.   I tried to play to please others and challenge myself, it didn't work do well.   Again, taking responsibility.

Now somewhere in my brain I am thinking bar fight?  No problemo.  Words on cubes in public? Kicks my ass.  What is wrong with this picture? Was I a victim to wooden cubes?

When triggered I default to one thing:  Its ALL my fault.  I am THE problem.  I shame and blame alright, but my default as the target is me.   Isn't this hyper-responsibility?

When I have put myself in the situation with an abusive asshat and then I realize it, I am aware, I can craft a plan, and I may procrastinate, I may have fear, but I get it done.    I can see and accept my own culpability in the chain so to speak, unfortunately often to the point I accept responsibility for everything negative that happens and that just takes me to the place the world would be better off without me place I go. 

In other words I lose sight of this person is an ass hat.

I think of all the things they went through, all the ways I resonate and I don't want to be unkind, and then I default to the problem must be me and beat me up.

Am I victim but a victim of my own shame's creation? 

In other words I continue the legacy of beating me up which is the training I revert to in stress just like I revert to protection in the bar fight due to military and law enforcement training?

If we know we revert to training (conditioning) in times of stress and your conditioning was no sense of self?  How do you balance 100% responsibility in away you don't emotionally eviscerate yourself with self loathing? 

How do you figure out who you are, when who you were supposed to be for someone else was all you were ever taught to focus on?

I am also struggling to re-frame life in the context of  reality and the point/purpose of life.   I was in geriatric care, I know what awaits us all.  I've spent time contemplating death and dying.

On one level I get nothing matters, its all an illusion.  I love Alan Watts, I get the concepts, of transition, merely changing energy form.  Its scares me in one sense, in another, its like relief.

I love contemplating multiple dimensions and all of that interesting stuff about what is real? 

Due to that study and decades of internal reflection and meditation and observation, I just don't see reality constructs the same as the average bear.  

I am experiencing tremendous existential angst because my framework of understanding reality has reached a place in development and study where I am fairly confident  the answers will not be forthcoming in my awareness in this lifetime.  

When I ask my Dr.'s if I'm crazy?  I hear no, You are very very smart and that's lonely, you need to find other smart people who can help you explore reality constructs.

How do you know what is or is not real when your construct for reality becomes shattered?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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