how to tell your friend you don't want to be friends

[iceprincess]

in first year university I became very close with this girl that lived in my dorm. we spent pretty much every waking minute with eachother and she helped me through a lot. after I dropped out we still kept in touch and after covid we barely talked. I changed a lot in the years we haven't seen eachother. this last year or so she's been asking me to hang out and I've flaked every single time, I made up a bunch of excuses to not hang with her and that when things clear up for me I'll eventually reach out to her. but tbh I just don't want to hang with her. im a different person now and I know I won't enjoy spending time with her at all. we had one phone conversation for an hour or so and I cut it short because I wasn't enjoying it at all. there's nothing wrong with her I just don't have fun with her. I'm worried if I do eventually hang with her she's gonna want to hang again and right now my time is so precious I wanna spend it doing things I suspect I will enjoy or things I have to do like work and school. I have very limited time and I know hanging with her would be a waste but i know I'm crushing her heart the more I flake her off. I've flaked on her so much I don't know why she keeps reaching out, maybe because she actually believes my excuses but I also suspect she's reminiscing about our time in college. I also know she's very lonely and doesn't have much of a social life but I just don't want to hang out with her. she's really nice and also the smartest person I know but she's not someone I'd vibe with anymore. if I hang with her and make her think I had a fun time she'll want to hang out more. how do I tell her that I simply don't want to be friends with her anymore?

[Yarco]

If you respect her and think that she's a reasonably rational and stable person, then the high integrity thing to do is just to tell her the truth. You can soften the blow and say you're too busy with work, or outright lie and say you're moving to another city several hours away (as long as she won't catch you in a lie in the future.)

But it sounds like you might be dealing with someone very lonely who has no other friends. In which case, there's a small chance that when you try to break things off, she could start to manifest clingy stalkerish behavior. In that case there is nothing to gain by telling her you don't want to be her friend, or that you don't enjoy being around her. All she will do is get defensive and angry and try to beg and justify and guilt you about why you should hang out with her.

If you think there's any risk of her trying to cling on and convince you to keep being her friend, then just keep flaking, keep ghosting her, until eventually she stops. Make sure you're not leading her on and giving her any kind of hope. Don't give any excuses. Eg. saying you're busy but maybe at some later point in the future. Just don't reply at all. Don't tell her you'll reach out in the future, nothing. Just let the relationship slowly fade away and die.

In life, you'll almost never regret not saying something. There's like four times when that's not true, and you'll know it. So don't say something.