In between two spiritual paradigms

[5-D - L O V E]

Within the first 4 to 5 minutes of this video, a given (and quite popular) spiritual view is described, which is mainly the one where serving God and serving Ego are diametrically opposite, let's refer to this as the "classical Abrahamic paradigm" or CAP (for the sake of this discussion).

CAP was the view held and openly preached, taught and encouraged by many saints and sages through the ages as being the way to God.

Now, my personal experience (and also Leo's teaching) both seem to point to a different paradigm, having realized a long time ago that CAP is mainly over-simplistic, dogmatic, incomplete and doesn't account for the nuances of self, shadow, the interplay of duality, spiral dynamics, personal evolution... among many other things. Let's refer to this teaching as the highest teaching or HT.

Now, my following questions and inquiries mainly arise from seeing my personal limitations and biases when it comes to understanding, naviguating and ultimately integrating this CAP/HT duality.
 

• I can see the pros and cons of both paradigms, mainly that CAP promotes stability, order and "healthy" ego survival while HT's main concern is The Truth. But why is it that The Truth seems to comeback to bite me in the ass (in one form or another) no matter how much deconstruction I've done of CAP and seeing it's limitations firsthand, no matter how much the integrity with which I apply myself with, it's as if I'm not allowed to go beyond CAP outside of my internal reality.
• In all my non dual states, I experienced one or many aspects of God, but they still came in through the channel of self/ego, so I could never see the distinction between the two. If that's the case, why can't I give myself the experiences I always promise myself in those states outside of those states? and if God is in charge all the way through and the ego is a mere illusion all the way through, then why doesn't god fullfill his promises into my experiences?
• Material and spiritual are one in the same in the absolute sense, and people cannot just choose to bypass one or the other as they wish it to be, nor do I think (from experience) that it's a good idea to try to force one reality over the other, burning through karma is where it's at when it comes to healing, and I see/experience it as a fundamental facet of true healing. If that's the case, why do I still feel like I need to let go of my material desires ? knowing this desire itself is neither healthy nor conductive to a good experience in the long run.

 

Basically, all my posts in this forum (since the first day I joined) revolve around this issue (with some different flavours).
I don't have problems integrating what seems to be deeper and harder truths, but this dichotomy of having an ego, seeing all its wounds, hurts, deep needs yet still failling to allow myself to manifest solutions still baffles me.

I feel like on a serious trial to achievement ratio, I fall so low that I deeply feel like God hasn't granted me any grace concerning this. And I know because of that that my ego can never love God/Reality/itself... and it's all getting to an unbearable low.

What makes it worse is that I know I relatively quite awake (in the Leo sense of the term) in other aspects. Yet I see myself as a loser when it comes to my human ego/existance.

Edited August 13, 2022 by 5-D - L O V E