How to develop more "edge"?

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

I guess what I mean by "edge" is this wild and animalistic side of the human experience. In almost all of my previous shroom trips I got into contact with this side. It made me feel like a fucking monkey and I was loving it! It felt very natural and authentic to let this energy unfold.

This also includes masculinity for me, as I felt a strong disconnect from my own masculinity growing up, because I've been hurt and/or abandoned by all the men in my life and never had a positive male role model. I was raised in a relatively conservative Christian household on top of this, so there was also a lot of shame around "impurity" and emotions. But shrooms made it feel good to just let go and be in this wild and untamed state. I love to be in nature and listen to rhythmic music like tribal drumming when tripping because it connects me to this deeper part of me.

It left me with a certain appreciation of my own "imperfection". The beauty of just being stupid and talking about dumb stuff with others instead of looking for "deep conversations" all the time, almost like a free and spontaneous flow of energy. It also made me appreciate the beauty of my own masculine energy, as it helps nurture my feminine energy.

So how do you go about developing this side in a healthy way (whatever healthy means in this context)? I still feel a lot of resistance since I perceive this animalistic side to be very self-destructive and dangerous to myself and others around me. But it also feels like a lot of healing is done when I'm immersed in this energy.

So here are some of these animalistic aspects that I've observed:

• Being dominant (Setting boundaries, asserting yourself, providing for yourself) 
• Being spontaneous and not overthink shit (Saying what you think as thoughts arise for example/being raw and unfiltered)
• Being  fun and loose and humorous (Which is a result of above I think)
• Being sexual (and not being ashamed of it)
• Interacting with people on more of an emotional/energetic level
• Having a good relationship with your own emotions and body

These are some of the things I desire.

I think me being aware of this side is already a huge step. Finding beauty in this inner savage is also probably a good thing. But I think that it still needs to be kept in check, doesn't it? I don't feel like I can fully trust it, for it has caused hurt in the past. So what is the difference between being an uncontrollable maniac and simply having an authentic edginess?

PS: Keep in mind that I am not even sure how to articulate all of this properly. I don't feel like I've done a good job here as this "edge" that I am talking about is more like a "vibe" or a "feeling" than a concept. I can't put it into words, sorry.

Edited May 20, 2022 by DefinitelyNotARobot