I'm Preety /Babloo

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

 I was writing poetry and filling my journals. I used to carry hard copies of my journals. Back then it didn't click me that I could write online journals. So I would fill pages and pages and books and books full of details of my philosophy and insights. This quickly became my favorite hobby and I would religiously devote myself to writing my insights 

Some of my insights are lost in those books, I don't even remember where I discarded these journals. They were full of scribbled pages. I was writing like a fanatic.. 

It was fairly uneventful year. I don't remember any distinct incident in early months of this year. 

I just remember feeling emaciated and ill for most of the time. I used to feel lethargic. 

I was beginning to show effects of stress for the first time. 

The job stress and the stress of my father's death as well as the stress of the past relationship trauma with SHT and this stressful argumentative relationship with Bud was slowly eating me away bit by bit. 

I was feeling bogged down. Like I was gradually losing the will to survive. 

I started to discuss marriage plans with Bud again. I wanted to be done with everything, cut ties with my family and move in with Bud and start a new life. 

I was nagging Bud even begging him. 

He would as usual just ignore me. 

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

 

 

Then it was the month of July. 

I invited Bud for lunch at my home. My mom was ready to meet him. 

After lunch was finished, Bud sat on the couch and my mom was ready to have a talk with Bud. 

She asked him about marriage. Bud said to her that his younger sister had received a marriage proposal from a guy who was highly educated and doing well in life. The engagement was already fixed. The guy was to marry his sister in April the following year. Everything was planned well in advance. 

Bud told my mom that once his sister gets married, he will discuss his own marriage (with me) with his parents. He assured her that things will be alright. 

I was relieved to hear this. 

I thought Bud and I will get married finally and I couldn't be happier. I was waiting to have my own family. My own home away from my family. My new family with Bud. I was looking forward to a peaceful life with Bud.. 

I had still been paying Bud's bills because it didn't matter. In my mind I was already his wife. I didn't see any problem in helping him financially. His problems were my problems. After all in my mind he was to become my future husband. 

 

Even if I fought with Bud constantly and most fights were started by him over petty things, I didn't think much of these fights. In my mind, I was thinking that these fights will naturally resolve on their own once I moved in with Bud. 

Little did I know. 

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

My mother still didn't know that I was having a relationship with Bud. She was kept in the dark. 

This was Bud's idea to never tell anything to my mom about our relationship. Bud was careful. He didn't want to blow up things. He would tell me that it was bad for our relationship to tell everything to my mom.

But the real reason was that he was very scared of my mom. He knew that my mom will figure out what he was up to and axe him out of my life or tell me to stop having sexual relations with Bud 

 

The moment Bud informed my mom about his sister's wedding in April, he felt pressured to fast forward things for our marriage.. 

Bud was broke and insecure. He didn't know what to do. On one hand he wanted me sexually. On the other hand he didn't want to disappoint his parents by marrying me. Because I was born in another state, another language,another culture. 

 His parents probably wouldn't have accepted me.. I think Bud should have been openly honest with me about his parents. I was honest with Bud about my parents. I took him to visit my mom several times. So that he would know that I'm serious about our relationship. I'm wasn't simply playing around. I wanted marriage. 

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

. 

My second boyfriend 

I wasn't the one to divorce. If I was going to marry a man, I was going to marry him for life. Plus Bud had nothing to worry about finances. I had my own money. I was self sufficient and independent. All we needed was to live together and get married. 

Deep down it seems like Bud didn't want to marry me. He simply wanted me around. Like a doll. 

He wanted to marry the girl his parents would agree to. But then why engage me in his life. If that's what he wanted, then why not be honest to me and let me go 

That's because Bud didn't want to lose his opportunity with me. So it didn't matter how I felt. I was to be used for his needs. My needs didn't matter to him. 

And why the heck was I supposed to pay his bills if he didn't want anything to do with me. 

Bud was an opportunist. And he wanted to maximize his opportunity with me. He was getting both money and companionship from me without him having to do anything in return. All he had to do was make fake promises of marriage and eternal happiness.. 

 

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

I on the other hand really thought Bud was gonna be my future husband. I was more than happy and willing to make things work any which way between us.. I was ready to give it my  all. 

I was ready to break off with my mom for Bud. This reads like an Indian movie script. Where a woman breaks off with her parents and elopes with her boyfriend who later abandons her and she is left destitute. This happens with many girls in India. 

I read a lot of such stories in the news in my country.  A guy will manipulate a poor woman living in a village with her poor abusive parents. He will tell her how much he loves her and how happy they will be if they live together in a city. The girl gets convinced that this is her best opportunity for life away from poverty and abuse. She runs with the guy. He uses her for sex. He promises her a beautiful life in the city away from the harshness and fascism of her parents, she lands in the city with him, and he later sells her to an organized crime gang of pimps and she is trafficked into prostitution. 

It's just trickery and abuse.

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

My second boyfriend 

I felt like Bud was doing the same thing with me, albeit in a different way. He was aware that I was rich. He knew my power. He couldn't do anything stupid to me. He would land in jail if I tried. And I was a hell of a force. I would have chased him like a tigress and made sure he paid for all he put me through 

 He had witnessed my rage before. He knew that I could get what I wanted. I was like a silent lion. I was being protective of him only because I loved him deeply. But if provoked, hell hath no fury as me. He didn't want to be on my wrong side. So he was playing it safe.. 

He could have done much more had he not witnessed my anger the year before. Now he knew not to take me lightly. I wasn't this pretty submissive soft doll he thought I was. I was that way only because I thoroughly trusted him. I wasn't a weak person. I was just a kind person. He had taken my kindness and generosity as a sign of weakness and vulnerability, as a sign of dependency.

I wasn't helping him because I was dependent on him, as he thought, I was helping him because I thought it was my duty to help my future husband and share his struggles. He was way off the mark in assessing my strength. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

In essence I was protecting this beta cuck guy simply because I loved him too much. And something in me was annoying me. My gut knew that bad things were on the way. 

Bud started mentally abusing me. 

His mental abuse read like a script of a Hollywood psychological thriller movie. 

 

Bud was using classic Gaslighting strategies to break my resilience. To break my mental strength and sanity. 

He started out with petty arguments and they progressively got worse. 

Bud would pick an argument over anything and everything. He would then find a way to guilt me. 

He would try to trap me. 

Once he was in the hospital and I didn't know he was there. I called him up and he began arguing on purpose and when I was able to win the argument, he suddenly told me that he was in the hospital. This was to make me feel guilty for having the argument with him. When I asked him how would I know if he were in the hospital, he said that I never bothered to ask. But how would I ask him such a question to begin with. 

Bud was putting extra energy in all his arguments with me. These weren't simple arguments. They would last hours even days. I would go days without food or water. Even sleep. His frivolous arguments started to affect me mentally. The most important emotion I suffered was confusion. I would get questions in my head 

"why is this guy doing this. No matter what I do for him, he is always fighting with me. What does he want. What did I do wrong now?" 

This was just the beginning of the gaslighting. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The constant question in my mind was "what did I do wrong now?" this is something that we observe in abused victims who have suffered extensive Gaslighting. They are never sure of themselves anymore..

They don't feel confident anymore and sometimes they can go through a mental breakdown not knowing if they are right or not. 

Bud became extremely controlling and abusive.. 

He started controlling my every move. 

He would call me the moment i woke up in the morning. He would ask me what I was doing nearly 20 times a day. 

He got obsessed with me.. He would keep a tab on my every activity. 

If I ever said anything to me, he would punish me by not talking to me for days. I would beg to him to forgive me but he wouldn't give up until I had suffered a total breakdown. 

His harassment continued. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

It felt as though Bud was enjoying my pain and frustration. 

But for me, things were getting harder and harder. I was gradually moving towards insanity.

I began to violently scream on the phone, throw things on the floor. The arguments were getting to me 

I would loudly scream at Bud and tell him to please Stop. He wouldn't stop. 

He would speak in a cold callous manner while I would be begging and screaming at the top of my lungs.

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

As Bud got increasingly abusive, my mental sanity began to suffer. My health was in steady decline. I began to forget even the smallest things. I began to slip into depression. 

Bud began to blame me for nearly everything. It became an endless process of harassment and frustration. 

He would wake me up in the night. He would call me non stop. I began to feel less interested in wanting or desiring sex. He would force me for sex. He began to threaten me for sex. He began to blackmail me for sex. 

This was the same man who gave me an umbrella for free. Who put months and months of effort into winning my trust and finally gained my trust. Now Bud was showing his true colors. He wasn't the man I had fallen in love with. He was a manipulative, lying, blackmailing, Gaslighting, victim playing, guilt - tripping, parasitic, abusive psychopathic freak. 

[Preety_India]

 

Bud had been harassing me for months. Starting July. It continued till December. 

I had reached a breaking point. 

Bud even called me a criminal, said that I will kill his parents, that I will poison them. 

I would always tell Bud that he is simply creating hypothetical scenarios to blame me and guilt me. 

I also began to suspect that there was more to all of this. That Bud wasn't doing all this for nothing. 

Bud always did everything for an opportunistic reason. He never did anything for nothing. There was always something for him to gain out of it. 

I had lost the physical and mental strength to beat him. It was six months of ruthless and relentless harassment and Gaslighting. I had reached the end point. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

Even simple conversations with Bud turned into nightmares. He would turn a simple thing into a long winded argument and then start verbally attacking me with mean comments and constant blaming. 

I was constantly breaking down and crying for that month. 

It was November 26. Bud and I had been arguing for 4 days straight. I wasn't feeling ok on the morning of  November 26. I told him that I need a break from all these fights. I wanted some peace of mind. I knew something was wrong with me. 

He blackmailed me that if I didn't attend his calls he would break the relationship. He didn't respond to my constant requests that I wasn't feeling ok to keep talking to him. By 10 am I felt panicky and nauseous. 

I went to the bathroom where I collapsed and fainted. 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

 

I woke up in the hospital where they told me that my liver suffered damage and that caused me to suffer delirium. 

I was then taken to a psychiatrist who asked me a bunch of questions and asked if I was under any form of stress. I told her that I had been stressed out the past couple of days because of my relationship. After some conversations with her, she wrote me some prescriptions for depression and stress and told me to get some good rest. She told me to avoid any form of stress. 

This was November last week. 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

 

After I came home from the hospital, I decided to not talk to Bud. I texted him and told him everything about my hospitalization. He told me that I was lying. I then handed the phone to my mom and let her speak with Bud. My mom told Bud that I was very ill and I had fainted and taken to the hospital at which point Bud simply said that he was too busy and hung up. 

Throughout December after the hospital incident I avoided Bud. 

It was January next year. 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

 

It was January. I was trying to recover from liver damage. 

I was seriously thinking about breaking up with Bud. 

One piece of advice, a golden nugget I can draw from this period is 

"when something doesn't feel right, it mostly probably isn't."... Believe your gut instincts, especially if you are a woman. 

I was avoiding Bud for the entire month of January. 

It was February. 

It was my birthday on February 21st. 

Bud said that he wanted to meet me. Maybe he was feeling guilty about me avoiding him. 

So he came over to my place. 

He sat there. He got me some jewelry as a gift for my birthday. 

We celebrated and cut the cake and then we were just sitting on the bed. Just staring at each other. And I was really uncomfortable. I had things to ask him. 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

 

So I ask Bud. Why did you do this to me. Why did you harass me so much? If we are going to get married, why all this drama? What was the purpose? Tell me the truth? 

Bud took a breath. He was uncomfortable. Uncertain. He just looked around. Now was confrontation time. 

Then he looked down. He couldn't look me in the eye. And he said, "I wanted you to marry some other guy. I wanted you to find a better man. Someone better than me. I felt like I didn't deserve you. You needed better." 

I instantly snapped. 

"no Bud. That's not true at all. You're lying. You're lying. You are bullshitting me. If you really wanted me to marry some other guy, you would have just told me straight to my face. I know you could have easily done that. This isn't the reason. You are lying and fooling me. You did all of this because you wanted me out. You wanted me gone. I wasn't gonna let you go. I was holding on to you. You were stressed because you had to marry me. You couldn't have turned down my mother. You couldn't show face to her. You would have questions to answer. You wanted to evade responsibility. You only wanted this relationship for sex and company. And when it was time for commitment you decided you were going to drop me from your life. You are a coward and so you couldn't do it yourself. You didn't want to be the reason for the break up. You didn't want to break it yourself. You wanted me to break it. Even if I believe that whatever you did was for the reasons you gave, then it doesn't make sense to torture someone you love to the point that they are hospitalized. You are a piece of shit Bud. Whatever you did to me was pure evil. "

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

I told Bud to go home that day 

 The conversation was over. Knowing that he did everything on purpose was very traumatizing for me. This was not him acting on impulse. This was him putting a concerted effort into Gaslighting me. 

I wanted to be done with him for good 

March, April and May  were uneventful. I mostly avoided Bud. 

I had an aunt and a cousin who lives in Seattle, Washington. 

They came to visit my mom in June. 

They are a big family. They are always a big presence at weddings. 

They came and I felt a bit warm and then my cousin sat down to talk. 

I told her about Bud. 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

Then she said "well then let's make wedding arrangements. It's not too early." 

She had a serious look on her face. She looked at me. 

She said "well call him. Tell him we are here. Tell him to meet us. We will discuss marriage plans. Let we see this guy. We need to see him. We need to get a good look.see if he is suitable for you." 

I called Bud. I still had a scintilla of hope that things between me and Bud will work out. I still dreamed of marrying him. Being with him. Getting over our past. Mending things. Making our relationship work. 

So I called him 

Bud said some gibberish and I handed the phone to my cousin. She was speaking with Bud 

I tried to read her expressions. She didn't sound delighted. 

After the phone conversation was over, she looked at me in dismay... 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend

My cousin looked at me and said "Preety hun, why are you doing this to yourself. This guy is not good for you. He doesn't even talk about marriage. He is wishy washy. He avoided my question. He gave me a frivolous excuse for not meeting us. This is not okay. He shows no signs of committing to this relationship. He is simply playing with you. He is player. You don't need this. You can do better than this. "

You need to drop this guy from your life. He is playing you. 

What she said echoed in my ears for hours. I was in tears. But deep down I knew it was the truth. 

For so long I had been dreaming about a life with Bud, but he wasn't dreaming that. He was only using me for sex and money. Thats all there was to it. Yet another betrayal 

Broken hearted yet again.. 

I trusted Bud. I believed his words. 

Bud used to tell me that we would be together forever. That he was my soulmate. That we would never separate no matter what. 

Bud was a visual illusion. A mirage. 

His words were hollow. His promises empty. 

He never wanted to make good on his words. He was simply an image. 

He was not my soulmate. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My second boyfriend 

The truth dawned on me for the first time that a man that I had worked so hard for, a man I wanted to be with, a man with whom I was trying to make things work at any cost, a man I had generously helped both emotionally and financially, a man I had sex with, a man I was holding on to to be with forever, a man who I considered my lover, my friend, my soulmate had put a knife in my back. 

Bud had stabbed my heart. This hurt even more than the abuse and Gaslighting I had endured in the relationship. 

I told Bud it was over. I had no words to describe my pain 

It wasn't okay for Bud to not be honest with me 

The month of June was the last time I had a conversation with Bud. It was over.