Diary of a sexually repressed girl

[Preety_India]

Mae'rr sends my beat pulsating. He is extremely Masculine and tough.. 

He doesn't take a no for an answer. And he knows exactly how I feel and what I want.. 

He stretches me on the bed. In between he leaves me to get some rope and ties me up.. Now he proceeds to fuck me really deep. I can feel his hard dick pulsating my body, pumping it, he is my master right now and I love these bdsm kinks with him. 

I make slow moaning noises. He is so sexually aggressive with me and he doesn't even stop 

He is like a master and I want to desperately submit to his demands. 

 

 

 

Edited April 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I like his lips

I like his hair

I like his eyes. 

Mmmmmmm

He is yummmmm

 

[Preety_India]

I need a new character. I wanna be his girlfriend. A good girlfriend. 

A dominating guy. But he is benevolent. 

Whats his name? 

His name is Devon. I'm Devon's girlfriend. 

I'm Devon's girlfriend yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Devon has deep blue eyes and I'm absolutely besotted with him. 

I'm so excited to share my journey with him. He absolutely adores me. 

Devon is my boyfriend. 

My ultimate dream guy. 

He spanks me yay... 

My dream man.

He does psychedelics and I wanna try all that with him. 

Devon does not fight with me. He simply let's time take its course. He doesn't decide things. He is patient. And understanding and smart. 

 

He looks deep into my eyes every time he talks to me. I feel like an absolute angel around him. 

He is so loving and so caring and protective of me. 

I don't know his zodiac but Devon is my angel. 

I love you Devon, I love you 

Devon is calm, sweet and amazing. 

Just like the way I wanted. 

He stole my heart 

 

I don't know about husband material but he and I have the best time together whenever possible. 

He is the best yay 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

If this one thing is resolved Devon then I would be jumping in air because all of my problems are solved. 

Really really really Devon. 

I'm praying. 

 

Edited April 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Human love is very difficult. 

 

[Preety_India]

I give up. 

 

[Preety_India]

Now I'm imagining conversations between me and Devon 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Emotional predation and sexual predation 

 

 

 

Why was I so dumb? 

Why was I so dumb? 

Why was I so dumb? 

 

What's the point of beating myself up? 

What's the point of beating myself up? 

What's the point of beating myself up? 

 

 

Let go

Let go 

Let go 

 

Remember there is no justification for my stupidity 

Remember there is no justification for my stupidity 

Remember there is no justification for my stupidity 

 

 

I was stupid and there should not be any shame in admitting this. 

I was stupid and there should not be any shame in admitting this. 

 

 

I should confront my past stupidity if I want a better future 

I should confront my past stupidity if I want a better future 

I should confront my past stupidity if I want a better future 

 

 

 

I think my sexual repression began with my second boyfriend. Mr Bud. He was fundamentally responsible for this. 

I think back then when I was in a relationship with him, I was the average dumb naive girl 

 

I was not so depressed as I'm now. 

I was a very happy go lucky childishly innocent jolly girl. You could tell me almost anything and I wouldn't have judged. Not even bat an eyelid. 

So Mr Bud offered me a ride home. And he began to take keen interest in me. He would flirt with me constantly. At first I didn't think much of it but as time went on, I began to feel like he cares about me. He had been flirting with me for months. He would act like he was helping me by doing me little favors. 

Finally one day he scribbled on a piece of paper that he loves me. 

I was enamored by his attention to every little detail of my life. 

He called me upstairs to meet him and when I went there he stood next to me and then instantly grabbed me and kissed me. 

I felt a bit nonchalant. I didn't get any sexual feelings. I stood there like a statue, completely frozen not knowing what to do. 

After that he told me to meet him in a park where he touched my butt. 

He would grab me and drag me to a place away from people and kiss me there. 

At first everything felt normal. 

I didn't suspect anything. 

This went for a few months. 

 

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I think Mr Bud always told me that he will never take sexual advantage of me. That he was a great guy. One thing he would always do is boast about how decent and nice he was and that I could always trust him no matter what. In hindsight this was a big red flag that I ignored. 

Then one day Mr Bud sent me a drive that contained a video and he told me to watch on my computer. 

So I did. He was pissing me off and forcing me since morning to watch the video.. And I finally complied. Back then I was a very non judgemental kind of a person so I never really anticipated anything bad. 

And I was extremely compliant in the relationship. Submissive you can say

 

Then I watched the whole video. It was like a porn movie being sadistically sexually exploited by a group of men and every powerful man taking advantage of her. 

Towards the end I felt disgusted. I felt my womanhood humiliated. 

I called him up. (and you know my bpd anger clock was ticking). I asked him straight up = "what the fuck is that? That's the most obnoxious disgusting thing I had watched" 

He went into panic. He immediately tried to calm me down and told me that it wasn't anything serious. 

"Preety it's just porn. Calm down. It's no big deal. I thought you would enjoy it. It was sexy." 

And I fired back at him, (underneath all my jolliness I was a fiesty girl.. No guy could ever do anything to me that I wouldn't want to happen. I had that grit. He had underestimated me by a huge degree. I was simply obedient and compliant to him out of my love for him, but I wasn't going to comply to something that my mind perceived as dirty. 

So I told him, 

"fuck off.. I don't consider this to be pleasurable. This was exploitation of a woman by a group of men. How is this supposed to be enjoyable. This was downright fucked up. Next time never send me such videos" 

 

For the first time in the relationship I was deeply troubled. I felt suspicious. What sort of a man was I dating? Why was I dating a man who was okay with women being exploited? 

I still did not take whatever he did too seriously. I dismissed it as him acting immature and let go. In hindsight I should have never ignored red flags but back in those days, I was so much into being forgiving and generous with my trust, that deep down I could never imagine him as a bad guy. 

He was great at manipulating me. 

Out of all my lovers he was the most manipulative. 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Then one day he began telling me about how he wanted to experiment certain sex positions with me that I felt uncomfortable about. 

I did not feel good about it. Somehow there was always an aspect of exploitation in everything he used to say 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This is also a reason why Western society is crumbling. The traditional family values have taken a back seat. AMERICAN society back in 1940s was all about courtship with a woman, marry her, get her pregnant, build a white picket fence, a dog and a cat and the setup is complete. This was rigid STAGE BLUE. it was somewhat safe for women. Although some aspects were bad, overall needs of a woman were met. 

Then came a poison that poisoned everything.

That poison is called FEMINISM AND SEXUAL FREEDOM. 

THE GREATEST POISON. 

Now feminism was good  as long as women wanted to work. 

But with sexual freedom it became easy for men to simply have whatever women they wanted. 

In a way feminism helped men more than it helped women. 

So men basically could fuck a woman and not worry about consequences. She became a single mother a phenomenon that became a widespread cancer starting from the 80s and 90s. 

Stage Blue culture of marriage, wife, children and conservative family values was fast getting outdated. 

And then came the next poison - PORN 

 

with that came the end of Femininity. Absolute and total. Now men had something that would replace the need for a woman, just keep jerking. 

The successful butchering of womanhood  happened and the bastardization of relationships too as a bonus. 

Western values fastly spread like cancer throughout the world. Men didn't want marriage anymore. Marriage was seen as unwanted. A burden. An unnecessary thing. 

With that came the gradual slow decline of Western Society and other societies followed suit. 

Now it was easy to game women. GAME GAME GAME GAME GAMEEEEEE.

 

 

Now a woman was seen as an object of game. 

 

She was sexually free. Women were constantly encouraged to be sexually free. Have a ton of boyfriends, cock carousels, casual sex, fun fun fun fun dumb... Freedumb

 

Men began to use women rather than have a family with them. 

At least in my country it was super easy to just get a gf. All you had to do was say "girl I love you and I'll marry you" bait line and she will/would fall for it. 

Many girls like me would get approached, gamed and then dumped very quickly after being used. Then the man would move on to the next woman. He would have a girlfriend for a few years and she finds out that he is not committed he immediately dumps her and finds another woman to game. This is a regular trend in my city now. 

Lot of women get involved with these men with a prospect that these men (or under the pretext of the guy promising to marry the woman) would marry them only to feel duped and scammed by these men. The women don't want a relationship, they are looking for a husband, commitment and marriage. The guy is taking advantage of a sexually free culture to convince her that it's okay to have sex before marriage and letting her know that he will marry her and then just playing the waiting game knowing that one day she will find out his plot.. 

 

The same happened to me with Mr Bud. 

I had already made it clear to him that if I ever wanted a relationship it has to lead to marriage, I'm not interested in casual relationships. 

He said to me "I'll marry you Preety" 

And when my family began serious talks about marriage with him, he ran away.. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

@Consept I think what I'm talking about is a friendship of convenience. 

Fair weather friends. 

Generally these people are users, manipulators, psychopaths, narcissists, feeders, predators, opportunists, covert, cold, machiavellian. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I was feeling a bit ashamed to reopen this journal after so many days but here I am 

I thought of this journal today. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think along with a love language there's also something like a Sex language? 

 

[Preety_India]

I have no idea how to figure out a love language. 

How is it supposed to be done. 

And a Sex language 

Well I know my sex language. It's something that puts me in a deep subdued state where I go completely silent and look into the eyes of the man doing things to me 

I just wish to be lost into it. 

But what about my love language? 

I feel a bit tensed in relationships. 

I need to feel hugged at night. 

I need to feel heard and responded to. 

I need to be talked to. 

To be owned. 

To be told 

 

To be confronted. 

I like to be dominated 

 

No way am I going to dominate a guy ever 

I have never dominated a guy in any of my past relationships ever 

 

Even the lamest guy managed to dominate me somehow. 

Because I can never do it. 

I can never handle a submissive guy. 

I would simply not want to dominate him 

 

I would find him too lame or too cowardly for myself or too passive. Like someone who cannot dominate me. 

I need intense domination in a relationship for it to work. 

A submissive guy will make me feel "not bossed" 

I need a guy who handles me like a boss. 

Let me see a quick list 

My first boyfriend - dominating 

My second boyfriend - controlling and dominating. He would make all decisions 

My third boyfriend - extremely dominating. I couldn't handle it. He literally owned my life. 

 

If I notice the pattern of my past boyfriends, I don't see any submissive or passive guy. No nice guy. All bad boys or dominant guys. 

Hm

. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My sex language is - submissive 

My love language is - confrontation and being challenged, being protected, being emotionally and mentally intimate. 

 

I don't like being praised/coddled. 

 

 

If someone praises me, I'm no longer attracted to them. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

There's a difference between a daddy and a boss 

 

[Preety_India]

 

It's like I always go into more and more refined states with music.. My inner self slowly peeps out. 

Just listen to your heart Babloo