D-Coming

[Diane]

What am I trying to tell myself?

 

I am familiar with the concept of non-duality so when I was wondering “what is the Universe trying to tell me?” I saw how it was actually myself trying to send a message to myself.

So, what is it, dear Me?

 The situation was that I couldn’t leave for a weekend with my brothers in London. The flight was delayed time and again until it was finally cancelled and then there were no more trains to go home, so I had to “sleep” at the airport waiting for the first train in the morning.

I was sad, disappointed and everything in between.

Maybe I had exaggerated once again when I decided to pay entirely for the apartment we were staying at. Maybe I shouldn’t have accepted to go for the trip altogether as I have to study for the exam I have on June 10th. Or maybe I was just unlucky.

I don’t know.

What I know is that I still have a lot of sadness thinking to all the time I “wasted” not doing what was most useful in the past.

I feel late on my professional career, and I wish I had done more than what I did.

 

I did The Work on this (I am late in my professional career.pdf) and now the new belief is that I am where and what I should be.

Thank you, Byron Katie!!!

 

So:

Dear Past Self,

Thank you for bringing me where I am at right now.

Sorry for mistreating you, you didn’t need my disapproval on top of all that you were going through.

You are a badass, I’m proud of you!!

Thank you so much!!!

 

Now what?

I will pour all the love that I can into myself and then study.

 

Ah, I think I have the answer to “what I wanted to tell myself”: Always put yourself first.

The people pleaser in me still finds it selfish but we’ll get there.

There is a difference between selfishness and self-love. And taking care of me is not selfish.

[Diane]

So many things to know, and in 3 languages!!

 

This week is my first week doing a picket as a supervisor. The more I go on with my career and the more I realize how many things I am supposed to know and don’t or don’t really. Also, as I studied in Italy, now I’m working in Switzerland and most of the books are in English, I need to do kind of a triple job in general as I understand better things in Italian but have to work in French and also communicate in English with the German-speaking people I work with.

Fortunately, this doesn’t make me utterly overwhelmed anymore but the fact remains, there are so many things to know!!

And fortunately², time is on my side, and I have all the money I need to buy the books I need to read.

Universe is always on my side!! 

Edited May 26, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

To my friend Anxiety

 

Dear Anxy,

What do you want to tell me?

I see you are afraid and scared about the challenges ahead.

Haven’t we been already there: doing something new, being scared af about all the tragic things that could happen and then nailing the thing beyond our own expectations?!

I’m just saying there is an easier approach to it.

I will make it so easy you will barely notice we are wandering in unknown territory.

I trust you and will never reject you again.

Please trust me too, we are both doing our best.

We will be fine.

Love you,

D

[Diane]

Quo Vado

 

Half of 2022 is done, it’s time for a recap.

I updated my mission statement.

Here it is: Mission statement.pdf

I also updated my non negotiables for a relationship:

• Same level of consciousness or higher
• No kids and doesn't want kids for the next 5-10 years
• Deep communication and intimacy
• Respect
• Exclusivity
• Financially stable (same level as me or more)
• Physically attractive

Some  wise people told me that physical attractiveness should not be in the list but it’s still important for me.

So, I decided to love myself enough to live in congruity with what I really feel inside.

 

Regarding my goals for 2022, I did some progress on some things and concerning some others I see how they shouldn’t even be in the list.

 

I declared that 2022 was to be “The year of Contemplation and Embodiment”.

I still believe in this statement and I0m becoming more of the person that I want to become and acting more on what I know.

 

My goals at the beginning of the year were: 

 

Personal growth

Making it the year of Contemplation: social media to the minimum; meditating 2 times per day; doing less and being more.

Success

I did reduce my time on social media and I am very aware of how easily I can be caught in the trap of scrolling for hours and hours. Also, when I plan something, now I do it more and more with rest time in  mind.

Improvable aspects

Since April I practically stopped meditating, I just listen to some guided meditations before sleeping when I’m not too tired. I don’t really see the point in meditating and I found out the recipe for happiness for me is having a gratitude journal and running. Also, I found out that journaling can be considered as a form of meditation. So I’ll trust myself and keep on journaling and running as my meditative practice.

Plan

Continuing with the Five Minute journal; running consistently 3 times per week.

 

Professional goals

Passing the two specialty exams

Success

I passed one of the two exams!!! It’s still funny to me thinking that right when I was starting to get used to the idea of being a Doctor, I’m almost a specialist already…

Improvable aspects

I decided not to take the second exam and it’s fine. Thank God I am surrounded by rational people who don’t mind guiding me. I can do the second exam next year and this will give me the time to better prepare for the internship in Internal Medicine that I’ll be starting in November. I decided to revise ALL medicine, or at least what can be useful during this internship. It’s pretty challenging as I want to refresh also the basics. All of this while doing my new job as a supervisor at the best of my abilities.

Plan

Knowing very well my patients and doing a rehabilitation plan for every one of them.

Overpreparing for Internal Medicine à studying every day with this end in mind.

 

Fun & Recreation

Giving lavishly to myself

Success

I completely changed my wardrobe, spent an incredible week in Florence staying at a 4 stars hotel, went out in very nice restaurants, did a mini vacation in Sardinia and went to the beach alone for the first time in my life and a lot more!!

Improvable aspects

Having a budget for fun and extravaganza. It will rain, that’s just the nature of reality.

Plan

Having a specific budget for fun and extravaganza and stick to it.

 

Relationships

Deepening and up leveling my inner circle; finding the man of my life.

Success

I spent time with people that I admire and kept in touch with them.

I did some online dating and had one of the best dates ever!!

Improvable aspects

Being more deliberate about networking.

Not considering “finding the man of my life” a goal: with this mindset, the day I find him the goal will be obtained and there will be no reason to actually stay with him and build something great together. A better goal would be “being in a long term committed and loving relationship”. But is it a goal I necessarily need to attain in 2022?! Well, in 2016 I downloaded that I would get married on October 22nd, 2022. It’s June 25th and I’m still single so it’s probably not happening. There is no rush to find the man of my life and be in the beautiful relationship I want to be in, I’ll use the extra time I have to become even better than what I am already.

Plan

Making a list of the people I want to stay in contact with and contacting one of them once per week, on Sunday.

Going to places where I can meet like-minded people (doctors or other young professionals interested in personal growth). One event per month.

 

Body time

Getting into the best shape ever; going back to Crossfit; running regularly; doing the Sierre-Zinal run.

Success

I did another trail, smaller than the Sierre-Zinal run but more difficult according to a friend who has already done the Sierre-Zinal. I had the luck to not injure myself despite being totally unprepared and in sleep deprivation. 

I did some Crossfit at the beginning of the year.

Improvable aspects

Doing more reasonable plans that take into account the fact that I work a minimum of 50 hours per week and I also want have time to study and I need time to do the maintenance stuff and rest.

Plan

Doing another run in October, it’s just 17k and I’ll overprepare by training for a semi-marathon!!

 

Skill Building

Finances: clarifying my finances and my financial plan

Success

I did try a budgeting system for a while.

Improvable aspects

Finding the right balance between no budget and a budget that is too strict.

Plan

Having a budget containing a plan for saving money with the goal of slowly arriving to 50k in savings and then starting to invest.

 

 

So, to wrap it up, here is My plan for the second half of 2022:

 

Personal growth

• Continuing with the Five Minute journal;
• Running consistently three times per week.

Professional goals

• Knowing very well my patients and doing a rehabilitation plan for every one of them;
• Overpreparing for Internal Medicine --> studying every day with this end in mind.

Fun & Recreation

• Having a specific budget for fun and extravaganza and sticking to it.

Relationships

• Deepening and up leveling my inner circle:
  • Making a list of the people I want to stay in contact with and contacting one of them once per week, on Sunday.
  • Going to places where I can meet like-minded people (doctors or other young professionals interested in personal growth). One event per month.

Body time

• Doing a 17k run on October 2nd and overpreparing by training for a semi-marathon!!

Skill Building

• Finances: having a budget containing a plan for saving money with the goal of arriving to 50k in savings and then starting to invest.

 

 

Journaling is definitely my thing!! I’m very grateful that it exists!! 

Edited June 25, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

It’s not about me

All these years thinking I needed to be perfect at my job and it turns out it’s really not about me.

This morning I had the realization that in what I do the point is not being the best one in front of the professor/supervisor by always having the right answers to his/her questions: the point is “what is it and what needs to be done”.

Then I had a one-on-one call with one of my mindset coaches that confirmed even more the concept: it’s NOT about me, it’s about helping the patient. Funny how one can want to help others for such egocentric reasons: one of the biggest motivations I had for doing medicine was the prestige this could get to my family (a concept I actually was introduced to by another person but stuck instantly and pretty permanently...). Nothing bad in that but it slowly evolved in me fearing doing mistakes or asking for help because of how that would have made me look like.

Knowing it’s not about me makes everything 1000 times lighter: I’m not here to mesmerize people with all my knowledge and how great I am. I’m here to help people the best way that I can, and if it means asking for help, no problem, I’ll do that for the sake of the patient and take the chance to learn something at the same time.

I’m just an instrument in a way. The question is “can I do the task at hand?” or “who can I ask for help to solve the problem?” and NOT “what can I do now so that I am seen as perfect and indefectible?”.

I am not perfect and in fact no one is on this planet.

It’s about time I stop expecting that from myself.

[Diane]

I am good as I am

 

I guess my purpose in life is to destroy perfectionism once and for all and finally see how amazing thing already are and how great I already am.

As yet another aid in the process Universe sent me my brand new and very first fwb.

Yesterday I mentioned how happy I was that we decided to become fwb, as this would make me realize the unspoken wish of “getting better at sex”. Later on, he insightfully asked me “have you ever had a negative sexual experience in the past that impacted your self-esteem?” (and yes, I was abused when I was 6). Then he also said that for him everything I was doing was already good and that in the end the point was my own pleasure and if that was achieved, I was by default already a success at sex…

I literally live in a friendly Universe that wants nothing more than to support me.

Thank you Universe, thank you Al.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Embodiment

 

So, I have this new awareness about being already enough in every aspect of my life.

Great news, but for the moment I feel blocked by this new notion.

It makes me sad thinking at all of the life I’ve spent until now in the false belief that I had to become better even in bed, when the truth is that when making love the only thing that counts is being in the moment and enjoying it, it’s not a performance.

The past is gone and the best I can do about it is learn the lesson and show myself what is possible.

On step at a time, AND using the 80-20 rule.

So, what’s the next loving step?

Going to sleep

 

 

Dear past me,

I’m very sorry for all the pain I’ve put you through and the unattainable standards I demanded you to uphold.

You are more than enough, always were and always will be.

I love you.

I trust you.

I honor you.

I respect you.

D

Edited July 6, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

I am good, period.

I really do live in a friendly Universe that was designed to support me.

I’ve spent most of my life believing I was not good enough and now it’s as if the entire Universe was conspiring to convince me of the reality that I am good enough or, as my therapist put it “I am good, period”. The guy I’m dating is exceptionally good in that, he’s the most caring, loving and expressive person I have ever met!!

So the new deal is to live an “Evidence-Based Life”: instead of assuming things like “I am not good enough” or “things should be different”, I’ll first check he facts and only then decide if it is a belief worthy to be taken on or not.

[Diane]

I have made a list of subjects to contemplate.
 
Don't trust anyone!!
It’s something one of my tutors told me once during my state exam at the end of my studies.
Now I definitely understand: just because something is validated by a superior in hierarchy or by someone I trust, it doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do. This put a lot of responsibility in my hands and it means I need to prioritize studying  more than ever!!
 
 
You can’t help people who don’t help themselves
This is what my therapist told me when talking about the financial situation of my family. It really touched me as it is profoundly true. It’s like pouring water in a bucket with a hole in it. The only problem now is my little brother who will find himself without the money to continue his studies. I guess having a budget is more necessary than I thought, I need to know how much exactly I can contribute to his studies.

 
Am I in a couple?

I've been dating tAm I in a couple?his guy for a while and we are doing well together but I still find it difficult to consider us a couple. Mostly because aesthetically he doesn't look like the prince charming I had envisioned and does some little things that bother me. He has a lot less rules in life than what I have and seeing him do certain things at table irritates me more than I want to admit. At the same time he is the most loving and expressing person I have ever met. Staying with him challenges me to change my dysfunctional patterns of not communicating anything I see as potentially negative or disturbing for the other person.
He's very clear about the fact that we are a couple. But he doesn't pish me to go faster than I feel like going so I guess I'll just go with the flow for once. Only good things can come from following my heart. So if for the moment it's not sure it's ok too.
 
 
Intentionally ever after
It's the last phrase from the book "How not to die alone". Indipendently from the fact of being in a couple of not it is paramount that I live intentionally. I guess that's where the question of being in a couple or not allude to. On the end what do I want from this guy and from this relationship? I ultimately want to grow as a person and become the best that I can and for the relationship part being with him can definitely help me. At the same time it means I should stop telling him I love him until I am sure that I want to be in couple with him. A few days ago was wondering "what is love?" Now I remember: love is taking someone as a part of you. There are parts of me I don't accept so taking someone else as a part of me is, to say the very least, complicated. It basically all comes back to self love: when I take care of me, then life is good. So let's make August the month I take care of me!!

[Diane]

One day at a time

I feel the urgency of defining if I am in a couple or not.

Yet there is no urgency and the only thing there is remains the present moment.

So we can start by being a couple in the present moment and then we’ll see how it goes.

[Diane]

I am not “perfect” and it’s totally fine

I can be so judgmental with people. Yet I am not perfect either. So I basically project the negative judgements I have towards myself onto others and the closer the person gets, the more judgmental I become. From now on I choose to practice unconditional love for myself, which will inevitably overflow onto the people around me. I am human and it comes with strengths and weaknesses but there is no point in blaming and punishing myself for my weaknesses. The only thing to do is my best and it will always be enough!! As my mentor said: It all starts with how I speak to myself.

 

Triggers are fun

I have a boyfriend since a few weeks now. It had been more than six years since I hadn’t been in a relationship so I’m re-learning the art of adapting to other ways of being and doing things. Some of the things he does really triggered me and made me react very intensely. Then I realized that every trigger is a shadow work opportunity. The main things that triggered me were: him leaving his hair in the toilet without flushing the water, him smelling food at the restaurant and him sucking on his fingers at the restaurant. There are two points to consider:

1. Why am I so triggered by these actions? There is a little me in the past who was judged very negatively for not being clean and tidy and for misbehaving in public. For the smelling food part there is also a cultural component as it is very disrespectful in Burundi to smell food prepared by other people. I internalized so much these judgements that I don’t need another person to remind me anymore. And as loving someone is taking him/her as a part of me, I instinctively apply my Super-Ego’s judgements to my partner too. So the question is: are those rules still true for me? The three things are things I could tolerate and get used to in private but would still bother me a little in public. Still not the best, as the ideal would be to do the same in private and in public but I could still argue that I don’t touch him in public the same way I do in private. So I guess that’s my truth in this moment.
2. Is it possible to communicate from a loving place even when trying to explain what triggers me? Fortunately, yes!! He said that any kind of feedback is better than no feedback at all, so he is a safe space to communicate my emotions.   I’m getting better and better at it, I’m happy about it!!

 

What do I want to see when I’m 34?

Focus is everything. I haven’t been living very intentionally lately.

Thankfully I have my vision board as a lighthouse.

That’s what I want to see when I’m 34.

 

 

 

[Diane]

Relax, you’re here

 

A few days ago, this phrase came to my mind: “You have arrived Diane, enjoy it!!”. I feel anxious for almost everything in my life but fortunately now I can see how far I’ve come. I will never be “perfect” but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a bada** in many ways!!

On the same note this quote came to my mind too: “The perfect time is always now”. I often wait for the inspiration or for the right moment to start things yet the only thing there is is the present moment so the perfect time cannot but be now.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

The Work

 

I did “The work” on different things bothering me about my boyfriend and funny enough it always turned out with an advice for me rather than something intrinsically wrong with him! 

 

Here are the beliefs and the insights I got working on them:

• “My boyfriend should have the same table manners as me”. Insights:
  • No, as it has worked out well for him until now.
  • Actually, I need to level up my etiquette game!!
• “My boyfriend should work on his issues (and/or do sports) instead of watching sports”. Insights:
  • He doesn't have to if he feels comfortable as he is.
  • Watching sports makes him happy and the best I can wish for him is to be able to do things that make him happy.
  • There are people who are satisfied with things as they are, even if from my point of view there would be plenty of space for improvement yet. Maybe it’s because it doesn't hurt enough, maybe they're just lazy but it doesn't mean they should do anything different from what they are already doing (or not doing..).
• “My boyfriend shouldn’t drink so much”. Insights:
  • Maybe he metabolizes alcohol faster than other people
  • He seems to function anyway
  • Actually, I shouldn't drink so much!! I do feel better when I don't drink at all or just drink one glass of wine max.
• “My boyfriend should correspond to my standards of beauty”. Insights:
  • I should correspond to my standards of beauty!!  I can change and morph my body as I like. Even with surgery if so I desire. So it's something that is totally possible and in my control (as opposed to my boyfriend’s looks).
  • When I like me more, I can like others more too, as we are all one.
  •  As Esther Perel says, “no matter who you choose as The One he will come with his own set of flaws”. So it’s not so much about finding the Ideal Partner as about defining what kind of flaws I can accept and eliminating the people who have flaws I don’t want to deal with. And until now he doesn’t have any flaw I wouldn’t feel like dealing with.

 

Another belief I had worked on was “I am not good enough for the workplace I have”. Here are the insights I got:

• The people who offered me the job are intelligent and respectable people they wouldn’t take just anybody.
• I literally can learn ANYTHING!!
• I know how to look for the answers.

 

 

We are a team

A few days ago I had a discussion with my boyfriend where he made me notice that he would appreciate if I talked to him before making decisions for myself, as for example when I want to take vacations etc. I felt it like having to ask for permission to do things and didn’t like it so much. He then reframed it in the context of us being a team. Now I’m starting to understand it a little bit. The only thing I need to always be aware of is that every time I ask him for advice/opinion I risk having a biased answer. So, as always: Clarity first, then action. I need to clear my ideas first and then share them and see if it’s possible to do even better than what I first thought.

 

 

To upgrade relationships, I need to allow being seen

It comes back to the concept that “Vulnerability is a superpower”. I often want to portray an image of perfection yet the best things that happened in my life came form showing myself as I am.

 

 

I am a healer

But is there really something to heal?

Until there is suffering yes.

But isn’t suffering necessary?

It is.

The point is that healing happens when we start looking for it.

So yes, I am a healer, but I can only heal those who want to be healed.

And can I stimulate the desire to heal in others?

Yes, by being like a firehouse: I do my thing and illuminate the dark, when they’ll be ready they will come closer.

[Diane]

Good enough 

I often feel not good enough, in every domain of my life. At work I feel like I should know more and that even if I do the greatest efforts I'll always be too late compared to people who are learning and studying now what I'll arrive at in a few years. In sports I'd like to train three times per week but until now I hardly do one. In love I'm learning with my boyfriend how much I don't know about what being a couple really means. 
I can be very hard on myself.
Yesterday night I downloaded the message of "having some grace for myself". And this morning I found this picture on Facebook.

Love Is the answer. I could have done better but the mistakes I have done are fuel to get better and do better in the future, not to eternally beat myself up. 
Concerning the fact of never knowing enough, the answer is to get into the habit of studying every day and being satisfied by the consistency I build, the results will come by themselves.
Nothing changes if nothing changes so the mindset now is to do first the things that are really important for me (meditating, studying, running) and only then doing the rest.

An adult of my own

Yesterday I went to a social gathering of mostly Burundian people and I found myself feeling socially awkward as I didn't know exactly what I had to do, especially since it was the first time I went to a social gathering with my boyfriend. I wished I had my parents to guide me on the precise etiquette to follow. Thinking about it afterwards I realized I'll soon be 40 (in 6 years but still..) so I have the right to write my own rules and then see how they fit with the people I meet, I don't need to do what I think my parents would like me to do. Especially when I consider that even if they know a lot of things about Burundian politics and society they are not the most powerful and affluent couple in the corner. 
So, here's to owning my life 100% as the leading writer, actress and producer!!

[Diane]

 

Everything I do is good

 

Journaling is so powerful. The first title I wrote was “Whatever I do, it’s not good”, then I changed it into “Anything I do is good”, and right then I saw the reversal of “Everything I do is good”.

The underlying theme is that I feel like no matter what I choose to do it is anyway not good enough/too late/"I should be doing that instead”. Even right now, I am “stealing” time from work to get clarity. It is calm at work anyway but “I should be working”. At the same time, if I chose to go on right away with my admin I would be thinking about how I wished to feel better, to know more etc. In one phrase: “I am never the right person doing the right thing”.

I did The Work.pdf  on this and it turns out “I am always the right person doing the right thing.” No matter what I choose, my actions will certainly get me to the result I want.

The past is just a lesson, not my destiny and I create the future by fully being in the present and learning from it too.

In other words, I am an eternal student. Maybe that is why I never felt so comfortable with the title “Doctor”: it wasn’t a matter of lack of self-confidence, it just didn’t fit.

To be more precise right now I am a working student so I’ll go back to doing both, finally being in peace whatever I decide to do in the present moment.

Thank you Universe and thank Me for taking the time to figure this out.

Edited September 29, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Balance?

 

I initially wanted to contemplate on how to find balance, then listening to some videos from Teal Swan I was reminded of how misleading this idea can be.

The problem for me is having many different things I want to prioritize and not managing to find ways to express them all.

For example, right now I feel tired, yet I do want to write. This morning I prioritized tidying and cleaning my appartement, but it took time and energy. Also, I would like to be a better doctor, as I recognize that I could have prepared better during my studies. This month in particular I have the objective of preparing myself for the four months I’ll be working at the Emergency Department since November. So, I put a lot of things off / on hold (things like running and doing sports in general) to have the time and energy I need to prepare. It went to the point that I question everything I do, as if now anything I do apart from studying is stealing time and energy from studying. The most recent example is the mindset workshop I am participating in this weekend: would it have been wiser to let go of it and just study? There are no wrong decisions anyway, just consequences so we’ll see form how my internship at the Emergency will go.

The goal is to live a life I am happy about. How does it look like?

I’ll re-start doing burpees in the morning, doing one more every day.

In the same note I can do the five minute journal, it takes too little to say I don’t have the time.

Regarding the time spent doing personal growth vs studying I’ll dedicate myself to studying during the week and allow myself to do things related to personal growth during the weekend. For the biweekly calls with the Mindset coaching, I can listen to the registrations during the weekend.

 

In the end the question is not even if finding balance is good, bad, necessary of even possible. It’s about learning to embrace who I really am and creating a fulfilling life for myself, knowing that it is absolutely possible.

[Diane]

Clarity

 

I've been a bit confused about the relationship with my boyfriend so it's time to get some clarity.

Do I want this relationship? I am not sure yet.

What would I like from a love relationship? I would like to feel free to express and be myself. I would like to be able to do what I want when I want and from time to time have fun together. A kind of FWB but exclusive.

Right now, I have a relationship that is more engaging than that: I am supposed to be present for the other person, show at least a bit of interest in what he likes, make time to be together and make plans for things to do together.

In summary, I feel stuck because from one side it is a comfortable relationship and from the other side I do not feel the spark anymore.

 

Things that I like about this relationship

1.       How he dresses

2.       How he smells

3.       His vast culture and knowledge

4.       His openness towards me giving myself a little more pleasure after sex when I feel like it

5.       He opens me up to new perspectives

6.       All the experiences that I’m doing that I wouldn’t otherwise do

7.       He loves cooking

8.       Falling asleep while hugging or just saying each other good night and then sleeping at the same time

9.       He loves me as I am and finds me attractive even when I’ve just woken up in the morning

10.     He is always there. I can count on him.

 

Things that could improve

a)       My engagement in the relationship.

b)      Having the courage to tell him what I think and how I feel.

c)       Doing more active stuff together.

 

 

Interestingly enough, it is 100% on me to improve what I see as improvable in the relationship.

I’m totally into the “doing more active stuff together”!! 

I've just asked him if he wants to go to the Olympics Museum and then go for a walk the next free Sunday we have.

 

Thank you Universe for this clarification and thank you to the me that decided to take the time to get more clarity.

[Diane]

Let me be water

 

Right after I had expressed my intentions to get all in into the relationship, yesterday I had a heartbreaking but truth revealing discussion with my boyfriend.

He feels criticized in everything and not listened to.

Thanks to this discussion and some notes I had been taking little by little I have now a list titled “how to love him”:

 

• Telling him often “I love you”
• Sending him red hearts
• Spending quality time together
• Organizing outings
• Valorizing him and asking him what he’s doing
• Being proactive (=finding solutions by myself)
• Always saying yes with enthusiasm at his propositions unless it is a non negotiable
• Being empathetic
• Being humble
• Being able to go out of my comfort zone for someone else than me
• Being curious and being interested to a lot of things
• To be someone who enhances those around her in many ways, who makes others around her shine, someone who shines by what she brings in terms of competence, good humor, support, enthusiasm, joy of living.
• Whatever I may like a little less about him, I must find a way to make it a strength, to find the positive in it and to support him.
• Getting 8 hours of sleep a night and having no dark circles
• Being and looking in shape
• Always supporting him
• Having nice hair
• Having sexy, colorful and always different underwear
• Not wearing black
• Telling him often:
  • I'm here for you.
  • Can I help you?
  • You are beautiful/other compliments
  • I believe in you
  • Thank you
  • Excuse me
  • Yes
  • I would like to...
  • I work on myself
• Opening my mind, stopping refusing things and negotiating everything
• Commenting on every single thing he shares with me
• Receiving what comes from him with positivity and open-mindedness 
• Being interested in what interests him
• Being a ray of sunshine for my companion 
• Positivity, benevolence and open-mindedness 
• Having a team spirit

Is it too much? Idk, I just know that I feel exhausted right now.

I’ll give it a try to say that at least I have tried, we’ll see.

[Diane]

Compassion, Clarity and Embodiment

 

It’s been a challenging period emotionally.

I now know that any reaction I have against another person is not about them, they are simply bringing up my inner child’s triggers and I need to examine them and heal myself.

There was the fact of my boyfriend not liking my hair and how I dress. I changed both, reluctantly at first. I do like my new wardrobe. I am not sure about my new hair, but a lot of people have reacted positively to it. In the end it’s just another mask, if we want to push harder the concept of “I am not my hair”, it also means that if I wear my hair in a way that is not what I would do if I were the only judge, it’s ok.

What matter is that I am clear about what I want. And right now, I am very clear about the fact that I want peace. It’s a bit controversial because I know that inner peace is always one breath away and I don’t need to do or have anything more that my breath to feel peaceful. At the same time, I don’t live isolated on a mountain, so I need to find ways to relate peacefully with the people around me, beginning from my boyfriend. If having different hair and clothes is what it takes, I am willing to do it even if it means giving up a part of my autonomy and my freedom.

Right now, I don’t feel like doing vision boards anymore: reality can be shockingly different from what I thought it would be. Maybe I’ll eventually get back to them and create “more realistic visions”, at the same way that I had started doing more executable plans.

In summary, thanks to this challenging period I have learnt that:

• When triggered the only way is compassion for myself, being gentler and going to my own speed.
• I am more than my body, my mind and my beliefs and this whole life thing is a journey and an adventure that will end anyway.
• Practice makes the Master. And the Master knows that in this dream she can wear masks without being attached to them. So, I can change mask to adapt to the environment I am in without being changed in who I really am. This reflection went as far as to me finally embracing the fact that now I am in Switzerland (it’s been 3 years and a half yes…), so I might as well start adapting to the local costumes instead of staying fixated on what I used to do when I was in Italy or what I learned in my Burundian family.

I think I’ll be the next Benjamin Franklin!! 

 

Edited October 20, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Clarity Day

This morning I decided that today was to be Clarity day.

Even if interspersed with some FB scrolling I did produce some things like getting my certification papers for the last 6 months as a supervisor signed, officially saying no to a job offer I had for November 2023 and that I knew since more than a year I could not do anyway and updating my Google Chrome agenda with the shifts I'll be having starting next week at the Emergency.

 Here's what I am clear about:

• Right now I'm living my best life, there are many things I dreamed about when I was a child that I now live and embody. One that came to my mind a few minutes ago is the freedom to spend that I have: the fact of not having to do mental or phone calculations when doing groceries or shopping!! It may be superficial but it's something I didn't have and that now I am lucky to have!!
• I have a boyfriend that I love and admire in ways that I would have never expected. We were able to resolve our differences. I have a whole new set of clothes and I have done hair extensions for the first time in ten years. Thankfully I can now talk about it with a smile yet in the beginning it was a transition made in pain. It's as if he was that catalyzer of something that would have happened anyway at a certain moment and being with him created enough energy to activate the reaction. I'm happy I now know that becoming the "Beyonce of Medicine" is not a worthy  goal. I've seen her and she wasn't happier than the old Diane still struggling to recognize herself as a doctor seven years after her diploma. At the same time, appearing sexy does not mean I am less intelligent!! This has always been a big limiting belief for me.
• I can make it.
• I need a new plan to organize my days even if I'll be working shifts.
• I really would like to restart Crossfit, running and dancing!!

 

If Clarity is Prosperity, I see a lot of magic coming on my way!! Can't wait!!