Thoughts On "How To Get Laid" From a Young Guy

[Focus Shift]

I wanted to give some thoughts on Leo's "How To Get Laid" series. Overall, it was incredibly insightful to watch, as someone who struggles with this aspect of personal development the most (Dating and Relationships, hookups aren't my thing). 

To give some background, I am 23 years old, and haven't had much success with dating in recent years. A year ago, I read Models by Mark Manson, after getting ghosted by someone I had strong feelings for. The first few chapters of Models made me cry, however, as I progressed through the book I started to realize that these were "Models" I could start to observe and practice, such as having a low investment strategy (having the confidence to ask someone out when you feel a connection, not being a pen pal for a century) showing interest, social cues, where to meet people you like, etc.

I started going out to meet people as regularly as I could afford to, with varying results, which I have to admit was frustrating at times given the pandemic (now that things are opening up a bit, I recommend taking advantage of that as much as you can, depending on your circumstances). I took dancing classes, yoga, went to artsy events, and shows of local bands. Dancing was tough because I didn't really connect with anyone, it felt weird being the only guy in class. There was one time in yoga I had the guts to go up and talk to this cute redhead, but I assumed she would be in the next class, so I didn't ask for her info (which bit me in the ass). It might be worth trying to meet people through a yoga class, but if you decide to do this, you have to go consistently (weekly or biweekly) which can get a little pricy if you do it every week (roughly 20 USD a class), and show up early to have a chance to have a conversation with someone. Another problem I found with yoga was I would rarely see people my age. Classes mostly had people in their 30s or above, so you have to be a bit strategic with this, go to all the classes, and figure out which ones have the age group you fit in. I've noticed early mornings on weekends tend to have people closer to my age (this is my experience, it could be different for you). If you want to meet someone this way, you have to be consistent and strategic (don't just blatantly hit on someone and make them uncomfortable, also, be sure to stare at everyone's ass for an equal amount of time to "just learn the pose" ). 

Personally, I found that events and local music shows are the best way to meet someone. You're already in a place with people of similar taste, so it's really easy to connect with them. You can just ask who's playing tonight, what genre of music they like, etc. (if you ever wonder what to say next just use mirroring and repeat 1 to 3 words they just said). Local shows are also a great opportunity because in between bands it's a good time to socialize. If you're early, it's a good time to socialize when the doors open as well. Local shows are also cheap! 10, 15, 20 bucks a show tops, usually 10 or 15 though. Hippy type events can also be a great way to meet spiritual people as well (though the access to these varies depending on where you live, I had to drive from CT to NY and NJ to go to these). 

This is where I would like to offer some feedback on the "How to Get Laid" series. Leo has a background in Pickup, where men "cold call" women essentially. From my perspective, there's nothing wrong with this per se, it can even be a good way to build confidence and overcome fear of rejection. I did something similar last year, if I saw someone I thought was really attractive, I would just ask her out and give my card (with my number on it). This helped me overcome fears of rejection (that I would get #metoo'd and my life would be ruined). Although I didn't get any dates this way, I was pleasantly surprised to discover they would blush instead. The problem with talking to any random, beautiful woman on the street is that it is not precise. How do you know you have anything in common? Or that you have similar values and life goals? You just find her attractive. I admire that Leo did this so many times, it must have been extremely tedious and demoralizing. However, doing this hundreds of times seems like a large time investment (counter to Manson's low investment strategy). 

The biggest takeaway I got from this series, was that I need to intentionally go out and be more social, on a consistent basis. When I plan my week every Sunday, I deliberately make going out a priority, finding out what's going on that week. Leo even mentioned that throwing events and parties is a really good way to meet someone. Even though naturally you could say I'm an introverted person, which is the case for a lot of intellectually minded people (and a bit of a curse at times). We still have this yearning for social connection. In my experience, going somewhere with intention is a way better strategy for meeting someone to date. Over the course of the last year, I asked out a dozen girls, and went on 2 dates in the winter (It didn't work out for personal reasons I won't go into, but it's progress from 0 dates over 2 years previous LOL). Finding places where you find people you like will make this process easier, and more fun as well.  

I just wanted to provide some thoughts on this subject because it's one that I struggle with, and am quite passionate about (I even made a documentary about it last summer). To anyone reading this (especially if you're a young guy like me) I have a great deal of compassion for your circumstance. It can be quite painful, and even embarrassing to put yourself out there at times, but it sure beats staring at a screen for hours a week, hoping that someone will finally swipe right on you. 

To close, I recommend giving meetup.com a try and seeing what's near you, spend a few hours one weekend finding what's closest, and what you are most passionate about. If you have any thoughts on this subject I'd love to hear any of your suggestions, and to share your journey as well, especially if you're trying to navigate dating in your 20s. 

 

 

 

Edited February 28, 2022 by Focus Shift

[Leo Gura]

Yes, basically be a lot more social and you will get laid. How exactly you do that is up to you and depends on your lifestyle and location.