Yay!

[Preety_India]

I have made a huge leap of progress this year. Two years ago this would have been almost impossible. I have made huge progress in terms of emotional maturity.

A couple of years ago it was impossible for me to reject a guy. It used to create intense frustration and fear and guilt in me if I rejected a guy. I used to feel guilty for rejecting him and it used to feel like a crime almost. My emotional state was too fragile and saying "no" was the biggest struggle. 

Can you imagine that I used to spend around 4 hours thinking (sometimes 2 full days) how to respond to a message/text from a guy and I used to break out in total nervousness and fear the moment I used to receive a text from a guy. And it used to make me feel that the guy will ruin my life or tell everyone that I'm a "bad girl" for rejecting him. I used to go back and forth in my mind for hours on end just worrying that the I'm humiliating a guy if I'm rejecting him and I used to worry about the consequences of not responding back to his messages. To the point that I would run away the moment a guy would spot me, out of this deep deep fear that he would approach me and I wouldn't know what to do. I don't know if someone can relate. 

I used to feel mortified if a guy approached me and break down into nervous sweat and total fear. I used to give false numbers (if they asked me for my number). 

Just giving my number to a guy was a traumatic experience in of itself. My self esteem was so low that I did not feel like I could say no. 

After working very hard on my anxiety and low self esteem over the last 2 years, I have been able to cope with this fear and low self esteem and I can finally comfortably reject a guy. (without feeling awkward or sweating into a nervous freak). 

Yay. This is huge victory for me emotionally. You might find this absurd or exaggerated but this was incredibly hard for me. 

I still struggle and feel incredibly shy and nervous around guys, especially guys who look in my direction. 

I still have moments where I freak out if I see a guy and I run away immediately if he looks in my direction. Even if he is not physically present around me, his text messages alone can give  me anxiety and shyness and constant tension. 

But my emotional journey is going stronger each day and I'm slowly learning how to not be afraid to say "no" especially to men/guys without constantly worrying too much about it. 

My self confidence has slightly improved. Just slightly. I feel bad that I'm not making remarkable progress emotionally. But maybe one day I'll be a really self confident emotionally matured woman. 

I don't have any sexual trauma. It's just that I get too scared around stranger men and almost mortified when a stranger man approaches me offline or online. Previously I have had sleepless nights thinking what will happen if a guy didn't leave me alone at all. 

I'm still not open to the idea of talking to a stranger man. It still creates a lot of fear, a lot lot of fear and worry. I still go into hyper alert mode whenever a man gives me attention offline or online. I can breakdown into tears if a guy followed me or tried to talk excessively to me. I can get excessively nervous or freak out. 

But I'm learning to relax and take it slow and easy. Although this is extremely tough for me, the discomfort is extreme yet I'm trying to not get too freaked out. I try to tell myself that it will be okay and the guy won't do anything hurtful to me and I try to keep my worry in check. I just try to avoid stranger men as much as possible. 

And when they approach me online/offline, I simply go completely silent. I have found that silence is my best weapon and it causes me to worry less. 

So if a guy approaches me on the street, I simply look down, remain silent and walk away. Or I don't reply to messages at all. This helps me way better than getting angry or freaking out or spending too much time worrying about consequences. 

Also saying "I already have a boyfriend" - this line helps a lot. They generally tend to leave me alone if I tell them that I already have a lover. But some men can be adamant. Then I have to simply avoid or deflect any flirting attempt. 

But I'm much more comfortable this year in being able to confront men and feeling confident in saying a firm "no" and rejecting much more comfortably without too much tension or worry. 

I'm able to deal with male pressure better than before. 

A small emotional victory! 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I'm crying so hard right now. Thank you for your kind words.