Self-Improvement - Life Purpose - Journal

[Shiva99]

Here we go, a new journal. This journal mainly will be dedicated towards my self-improvement and life purpose. 
 

 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Starting in about an hour, i will start a dopamine detox which will last for the whole weekend. I hope this will reset my dopamine hungry brain at least a little bit. This whole weekend is going to get filled up with meditation, reading, exercise, cooking, cleaning,... i'm not going to allow myself to use the internet or phone at all, unless i need it for practical purposes or when there is an emergency.

The decision to do this has been on my mind forever, as i noticed that i'm barely able to watch even a Youtube video for a min without getting distracted, wandering off in the comment section or opening up multiple tabs for no good reason at all. This is becoming such a huge burden in my life that i have to take radical measures. If i ever want to reach a goal or my life purpose, there is no place for this behaviour at all. I won't even be able to reach it. It's taking up too much of my time. Not being able to read a book that i actually want to read is something that frustrates me even more. Basically everything that is important to me at this point gets replaced with more time on the internet, it's ridiculous. Update on how this went probably mondaymorning somewhere.

 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Main focus points for the upcoming weeks

• Quitting gambling - Relapsing in my gambling habit wasn't the best choice. I have to quit again. Yesterday 13/01 was my last time playing. Period.
• Meditation habit - Ideally 1 hour or more per day. Doing it right after waking up is key for succes.
• Exercise - For now this is going decent. Apart from missing a couple of days i've been running 3 times per week for the past 7 weeks.
• Sleep schedule - My sleep schedule is still all over the place. Ideally i need 7-8hours of sleep on a schedule. The goal is to wake up between 4-5am and sleep at 9-10pm.
• Job hunt - Starting on monday i'm going to take looking for a job serious again. I need to get myself a job because i don't wanna rely on unemployment benefits anymore. This will also give me a stable routine and i will be able to move out from my current appartment, which i don't really like at all if i'm honest.

 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Unfortunately i failed my mission to complete a dopamine detox this weekend. It doesn't come as a surprise, as i'm aware of how addicted i am. Although i didn't succeed, i still haven't wasted much time on meaningless browsing etc. I've only watched online lectures and interesting documentaries on subjects that interest me and broaden my knowledge. I was actually able to watch most of them without getting distracted, which was awesome. 

Yesterday i went to sleep after midnight, which is rare. Because of this i woke up late, and started the day off in an annoyed mood. Going to sleep late means waking up late, means no time to meditate etc. After the bad start of the day, i pulled myself together and jumped in a cold shower. I went for groceries, and when i came back home i decided to go for a run. Right now i'm feeling decent. After all i'm still getting my responsibilities done for the day, which is good.

As i've known it all starts with getting to sleep early. When i got to sleep early, i wake up early, and meditation gets done with ease, because i know i have plenty of time. If my meditation session gets completed, running follows easily and i'm ready for the day and kick some ass. It's so important to go to sleep early. My good habits have a domino effect. I just have to make sure i get the first one done, which is sleeping early.
 

 

[Shiva99]

Main focus points for the upcoming weeks

• Quitting gambling - Gambling is losing the grip it had on me again. I almost haven't been thinking about it, and haven't played since 13/01.
• Meditation habit - I'm going to try and meditate today for 2 hours. Not sure how since i want to sleep early.
• Exercise - For the past 7 weeks i've been running 3 times a week. My condition and speed definitely increased. Soon i will probably hit a plateau for a while but that's allright.
• Sleep schedule - My sleep schedule is still all over the place. Ideally i need 7-8hours of sleep on a schedule. I'm going to try and to go to sleep early today so i can start getting my schedule on point.

[Shiva99]

Yesterday i went to sleep around 9pm and i woke up at 4am this morning. Sleep schedule started. My first meditation sessions of the day was pretty easy, and immediately after that i went for a run. Feelsgood. Pretty interesting experience to run in the woods all by myself when it's still pitch black outside. Definitely  experienced some primal instincts. I came back home and took a cold shower, and then visited a new hairdresser. It was a good experience, and i liked talking with the woman. She was pretty hot too. I told her i will definitely come back in the future and asked her name hehe. Pretty interesting how much shit i can get done if i put my mind to it. Tonight i will try to use no screens 2 hours before sleeping. I will use this time to read, and get my second meditation session done. I'm going to test this in the upcoming days to see if my sleep gets positively impacted.

 

Edited January 17, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

David Goggins is my hero. He motivates me so much. His way is radical and definitely doesn't resonate with anyone, but it surely does with me.I first heard of this guy about 2 years ago, and back then i didn't resonate with him at all. A lot has changed since then. I was very wrong about this badass.

 

 

Edited January 17, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Things are going into the right direction for the most part. I woke up at 4am again, got my first meditation session of the day in, read a bit and went for a run. Came back and did laundry, cleaned my house. Overall productivity is rising, but the motivation to jobhunt is still lacking like crazy. I just don't feel like looking for a job at the moment, which is bad. I need to get a job, whatever it is, to avoid a huge gap on my resume. I probably need to work at a grocery store or some stuff for a while, earning minimum wage and getting less then my unemployment benefits. It's kinda crazy. The last job i applied to was almost €500 less than the money i'm currently getting from my unemployment benefits. It's not motivating at all. I'm going to have to actually work full time with shitty hours and have a much harder time getting by each month. It's so stupid. Main takeaway from today is that i can get a whole lot of shit done if i put my mind to it, it's insane.

Today i'm also one week free from gambling. Feelsgood. I'm almost not thinking about it anymore. I have a good feeling about this. Apart from quitting gambling, i'm also going to quit porn again. In the past i thought porn wasn't really having too much impact on my life, but i have a feeling that it still is. There is only one way to know for sure, and that's to also leave it behind again. I will start from today and try to quit it for good to be honest. I don't think there is anything good coming from it. I might leave out masturbation for a while too. I do it too much without actually being horny, it's weird. I literally just masturbate without being horny but out of pure habit. It's getting out of hand.
 

 

Edited January 19, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Another day, another early morning. Woke up at 4am, feeling pretty damn tired. Still need to get used to this new sleep schedule, obviously. I started my first meditation session and it became way too hot in my room. Because of this i had to end my session early (40min). It wasn't a good session. I felt jittery and my mind was racing. It's soo hard sometimes. Sometimes meditating an hour feels like ages, sometimes it feels like nothing. Even though it's hard, it's starting to pay off a little. While reading i'm able to concentrate for longer periods now, which is nice. I think over time this will definitely increase. I hope i can read an hour without getting distracted soon. That would be nice.

Apart from this i'm still having a very hard time not doing stupid shit on the internet. It's crazy how fast i'm getting lost in mindless browsing, watching videos on youtube or tv series or whatever. Once i'm in, it's very hard to stop myself, turn off my computer again and do something productive instead. It's almost impossible. If i don't have a plan on what i'm going to do when i turn on my computer, i get lost and before i know it hours have gone by. It's so weird how time seems to get warped whenever i'm on the internet. Quitting this is going to be very hard, but i have no other choice. Everyday i will keep trying to lessen my time online. I have to.

 

 

 

 

Edited January 20, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Because i failed to do a dopamine detox last weekend, i'm going to try it again this weekend. Same rules apply. I will start today at 8pm, until mondaymorning.

[Shiva99]

Ugh, i'm getting so frustrated. I'm about to destroy my smartphone and laptop. Pure fucking poison that is. This addiction is sooo annoying and hard to get over. Seems like i'm not the only one. 

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Main focus points for the upcoming weeks

• Quitting gambling - Still on track. Haven't been gambling since 13/01. I don't even think about it anymore, unless i journal about it here. Good.
• Meditation habit - I'm consistent with 1 hour meditation in the morning. The evening sessions are very hard and i almost haven't done any so far. I will try to get this set.
• Exercise - Still consistent 3 times a week. Tomorrow i'm going to try and run for the 4th time this week. I slowly wanna build up this habit until i'm able to run every day.
• Sleep schedule - My sleep schedule is getting fixed. I've been sleeping at 9pm, and waking up at 4am in the past week. For now this is good, but i should also avoid screens 1-2 hours before sleeping. This will go well with my meditation session in the evening.
• Quitting Porn - Haven't been able to quit longer than a day so far. It's weird because i find it so boring and masturbating doesn't even feel good anymore. It's just pure habit right now.
• Internet & smartphone usage - Toning it down drastically, but still very hard. Haven't been able to succeed in any of my dopamine detox attempts.

Edited January 22, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

I love this video:

 

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Main focus points for the upcoming weeks:

• Quitting gambling - Still on track. Haven't gambled in almost two weeks. Time flies. I don't even think about it anymore, unless i journal about it here. Perfect. I wish quitting porn was as easy.
   
• Meditation habit - I'm consistent with 1 hour meditation in the morning. The evening session is still not working out. It's so hard to meditate in the evening, especially when i wanna do it last thing before sleeping. I'm used to watching some shit on my smartphone before sleeping, and the lack of this is very, very weird and so empty.
   
• Exercise - Still consistent 3 times a week. Last week i failed to try and run for 4 times a week, but this week i'm gonna try it again. I slowly wanna build up this habit until i'm able to run every day, because when i run in the morning, my day usually gets kickstarted like crazy.
   
• Sleep schedule - My sleep schedule is getting fixed. I've been sleeping at 9pm, and waking up at 4am in the past week. For now this is good, but i should also avoid screens 1-2 hours before sleeping. This will go well with my meditation session in the evening.
   
• Quitting Porn - Haven't been watching it for 2 days now. It's still on my mind a lot. It's so weird because i'm literally not even horny. I guess it's just because sometimes i'm just home and when i get tired my mind wants me to watch it and fap.
   
• Internet & smartphone usage - Still toning it down drastically, but it's very hard. I'm so used to doing random shit online it's crazy. I'm very aware of my time spent online now, because i'm focussing so much on toning it down. My time spent online is going towards productive stuff, but i'm still wasting time here and there, especially in the evening before sleeping. I should read and meditate instead.
   
• Job hunting - Starting to get into the habit of applying and calling temporary agencies. A lot of recruiters are acting retarded at the moment, and have way to high expectations for a stupid position in a grocery store. I guess they want a cashier made of gold. They are also questioning my intentions for working in a grocery store, which is not a suprise. I just want a job at this point.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

What i learned today:

Today i learned that i'm way too insecure when it comes to job hunting and selling myself to a recruiter. The conversations always go well, and the phone calls also go well. For some reason though, i have a lot of stress and anxiety sometimes before making a call. It's not necessary. I'm recording my calls now to remind myself that i don't have to be stressed out, and to see where i can improve. It's crazy how my whole view of myself is warped sometimes.

I also learned that phone anxiety is a real thing, and it can be drastic. Maybe i have it a little bit. Some people seem to have it like crazy though. I feel bad for this girl.

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

This journey has it ups and downs, but i will keep coming back stronger every time untill im dead.

 

[Shiva99]

I love this song. I love Sia. Her songs motivate me a lot.

 

 

[Shiva99]

I'm still amazed by how much shit i can actually get done if i don't procastinate and give it my all. I've improved like mad over the past two weeks. Everything is changing very fast. I need to continue on this path. Did a lot of calls today for a potential new job, even though i still hate calling a lot. By doing so, i landed an interview which is set for  tomorrow. It's only for a temporary position of 3 months, but it's something, and most importantly it's a job in administration.

 

 

Edited January 26, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Another day, another early morning. Waking up at 4am is becoming easy, and i'm not feeling tired anymore. I guess i'm starting to get accustomed to my sleep schedule, which is nice. I've been thinking about pushing my wake up time back even further, to 3am, just because i can. I love early mornings, especially running early morning. It's so nice and peacefull outside. No traffic etc. I will get my run in for the day soon, and i'm looking forward to it like hell. Yesterday was a rest day, which is always hard for me. I hate not running in the morning.

I'm feeling a little bit stressed at the moment for the job interview that's coming up later today. It's kinda funny because it's not even in person, and i'm still stressed out. I never did a job interview online, so that's gonna be new. To reduce my stress i already setup my computer, camera etc and tested Microsoft Teams in advance. I'm coming prepared.

 

[Shiva99]

Run was great. Got back home and started messing around with some camera stuff etc for my job interview later today. As i was setting it up i got pretty emotional and started crying seeing myself. I'm becoming proud of the guy i'm becoming. All the shit i've been through, and i'm still standing strong, grinding at it everyday.