The true beginning of growth

[Gabriel Joy]

Here is the beginning of my journal, where the purpose of it is the following to continue doing this for the rest of my life:

• Track my progress for personal developpement
• Assure that progress is happening at my desired pace and fix it in concrete steps if it's not
• Restate and understand the lessons I've learned during the week and apply them to my daily life.

I'm posting this online as a motivator and my plan was to originally start on Sunday however, I was having a important disscusion with my family about careers in the psychology domain figuring out what path I want to take to become a psychtherapist. (my dream job)  Therefore, I'm going to write this entry today and  I'm going to journal every Sunday from then on.

Entry 1: The Discovery

One day, I was shoveling snow outside as I took a small job offer from a youth organisation to make some pocket cash. At the time I was saving up for university and had no idea what career or even field I wanted to go into. I just figured that whatever it was, that I would need cash to spend on my studies and was horrified of debt at the time, hated the idea of having a loan that I'll have to pay back afterwards. It was fear that drove me at the time. I spent that winter shoveling snow making some cash, until the end of the year going about life devoided. I felt purposeless and no matter how much I searched on the internet, there was no clear anwser. This was until my boss, a man in his late 20s or so with short black hair and blue-green eyes told me about a channel with a video that I should watch on my spare time that I'll like. He was very insistent on it, saying how rich it was with insights for my generation and that it'll help me out. I personally didn't have anything to lose, so I told him that I'll watch it and give it a try. I had nothing to loose, so why not?

Spring comes around and I finish my job. i didn't watch the video. In fact, it's been two entire months since he sent me the link to it. One weekend I was bored and deprived of meaning and things to do, so I decided to click the link. The video being longer than I thought it was, I immediately got discouraged to watch it. However, I said I was going to watch it and I was a man of my word, therefore I began watching it on my laptop. I gave my attention to the video and immediately got grasped by it. I was interested right off the bat and lost track of time as I watched a supposedly boring video of Leo talking compared to the gamers that I watched in the past. I ended up watching the entire video and at the end I was shocked and I felt like I discovered a gold mind in life. It wasn't long after that that I subscribed to his channel and watched part 2 if Life Advice For Young People and starting rapidly changing. I've almost completely dropped videogames and movies/shows, I began meditating daily for 30 minutes and jogging every 2nd day along with my newest addition, journaling. Now here I am, as a better, more developped person from a year ago.

This week I've watched Leo's video about Learning = Behavior change and it made me start journalism. I will apply this for a while, see how much I learn from it and understand it through practice. I've also did a final experiment with videogames. I spent an entire day playing videogames with my brother. At lunch when we took a break. I felt drained, deterioated and my brain was sending me signals to desperately stop making it endure games. It wasn't pleasant either, even from the beginning. Despite this, I continued during the afternoon and played all afternoon as well, which by then I was certain. Videogames are a distraction to life, they bring no value to me and having clearly understod that it detrements me, I pledged that day that I will never play  videogame again. My behavior has changed as now I will never play videogames anymore understanding how much of a waste of time it is to me. This week I've also increased my meditation lenght from 20 minutes to 30 minutes daily. I did some research on meditaiton as well which didn't bring me much value, so instead I'm going to  start a 8 week MBSR training course. I'm hoping to get through half a week of content. Other than that, I'm planning on watching another one of Leo's videos and that's all this week as I'm going to relax this week due to not having school. That is all for this entry.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 2: Initiation

I did not start the MBSR course. Instead, I began it only on January 1st, 5 days later than I was suppose to but that's okay. I may have took me some time to begin it, but now that I started it I learned somehing. I've discovered body scan meditation and I do two meditations daily now, each 30 minutes long. I start with the body scan meditation and then the letit flow meditation where I just observe my toughts pass by like seeing clouds while lying down on a grassy hill. I plan to continue doing this. Now I know you may have noticed, that I'm writing this journal entry a day late on Monda instead of Sunday. This shows that I've learned nothing and that next week I'll make sure to write it. I'll add a reminder and an alarm for next sunday to increase the odds of me completing it. I've been applying last weeks video dilligently and I mst say that it's a good way to learn, because you definietly change because of it.

As for this week, I watched Leo's video called  the big picture of self-actualisation. This has helped motivate me and stopped me from procasinating my personal developpement. Due to the holidays, I've had a ridicilous amount of parties to attend to in order to see everyone with the covid restrictions. Being a minor, I'm unable to refuse and therefore interrupt my sleep and productivity. I accepted it as it is and told myself that it's okay to be less productive as I can't do anything about so why get mad? Despite this, I tried my best but wasn't very successful. I only managed to keep up my daily activites of jogging, meditating and partially journaling as I'm a day late. I spend a lot of time with my family I also began to read Limitless By Jim Kwik and purchased Leo's book list. As for this week, I'll continue reading the book and keep up with my daily activites. I'll also watch a video of Leo's and begin purchasing books from his book list following his recommendations.

Side note: My new years resolutions:

• Read 12 books this year.
• Complete the 8 week MBSR Course.
• Stick this journaling habit every Sunday, no exceptions.

 

[Gabriel Joy]

This week I finished the Ego Developpement mini-series and am now commited to reading the research paper this year, another thing I'm going to complete this month. I haven't progressed in reading the book Limitless which now I need to read more of it this week to catch up. I'll read six chapters this week instead of the usual three to finish the book this month. I'll try my best to read a chapter a day along with my other daily activites. Learning= Behavior change is the learning module I'm going to continue to apply which so far has been working as I've started analysing people based on the module to practice it. The next video I'm going to watch is Ego Backlash this week to continue learning about ego and the mindfulness program has been going well for me except that now school is coming back. I'm going to try to keep everything up, but it's going to be difficult to do so. I may need to drop my regular meditaiton and just do the one of the program to keep up with life. I'll only do that if I have to though.

There's another thing I noticed this week. I'm not enjoying board games anymore and find that most entertainement is pointless to me. I have to relearn to enjoy this things but not get attached to them as I used to in my childhood and early teenage years as it's a forced family activity that everyone must partake in. This means that I have to get used to board games, which I can do and enjoy but watching a movie afterwards is my kryptonite because I find it so useless. We don't talk or interact, therefore no bond for me. It's a draining activity and makes me tired and a little more depressed than I was and finally I much rather do other things. Unfortunantly I can't just say no as then I'll upset my family. Therefore I will try to enjoy it as best as I could and experiment with it. Wish me luck.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 4:: Work, Work Work...

I've made a big mistake recently and that's investing to much time in personal developement. I've realized that I started neglecting the other aspects of my life such as family, academics and "fun". This made me overstressed and mentally I couldn't take it anymore as I would spend everyday working without any free time to myself. This is due to accumulating the following habits that took up all my free time:

MBSR Program (30 minute daily activity + 20 min for worksheets + the videos and articles I had to watch/read)

30 minutes daily meditation (on top of the MBSR)

One Self-Help book every month

One video from Leo every week

A 30 minute jog every 2nd day

This all overwhelmed and made me realize after a week of struggles that I can't keep up and that I'll need to sacrifice something in order to dedicate time to my other activites as there important too. I ended up picking the MBSR program as I won't be able to complete it as a minor. I can't do the one day online retreat that's required to complete the course and it's the lowest priority at the moment. Other than that, I've haven't made progress in my book or watch Leo's video due to a lack of time and therefore, I'll do it tomorrow because luckily I have no school to catch up everything I missed. I did indeed learn something this week as my behavior changed. I won't shoulder too much responsibility and I've decided to take a load off and postpone the MBSR course until I could complete it. Finally, I decided to watch a movie with my family and enjoed it, learned to reappreciate it. However, there are much better things to do in lfe than watch a movie and therefore I'll only watch one if my family forces me. That is all.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 5: Time, the resource you can't get back.

I've been doing some observation and introspection on myself recently and I noticed that I keep running into the same problem. I'm running out of time. Today I didn't manage to finish Leo's video on the counter-intuitivne nature of life. I still have fifteen minutes left except that I keep pausing to write notes. I keep recording everything that doubles the lenght of everything I do for my personal developement. It made me realise that I write too many notes! I have to find a way to minimize the amount of notes I write down. (Goes on a 10 minute walk to relax before continuing)

I've found a solution, I'm only going to take notes after I finish watching the video. This way I'm not going to write down word for word for what's Leo is saying and instead I'm going to only maintain the important stuff and lay it out in my notes. Other than that I haven't made as much progress as I wouldn't like to reading Limitless by Jim Kwik but that's okay. As I'll do the same thing for chapters in the book! I'll highlight the book while reading and then, once I finish the chapter or a sufficent amount of pages, then I'll take down the notes and only put down what's important. Then, I'll skim through the book to make sure I didn't miss anything. I'll give this method a try.

Other than that, school's been calm during the week and I've got a feeling I'm going to get bombarded by assignments this week, although I hope I'm wrong. Lessons this week that I've learned are that life is a lot more counter-intuitive than I thought, that notes are slowing me down too much and has become a waste of time and that our brain is like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets simultaniously as a battery that needs sleep to rechagre. (I already knew about the sleep part) That is all!

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 6: Time, it's abundant!

I genuinely feel like I've been screwing up recently. This is due to being unable to finish my book by the end of the month, barely able to finish the Learning = Observation video this week (I completed it before writing this entry) and being under the weather the entire week. However, I definitely learned some things. First is that I've got to believe that I have time. I've been letting my conscious self tell myself (even in journaling) that I don't have time to do personal developpement work and this is one of the top reasons why I'm unabl to do so. From now on I will tell myself that I do.

I've also realized that I need to plan. I usually just go by the mind to plan everything instead of scheduling it, causing a lot of procasination and not letting me write everything down. Now that I've read about Habits in Limitless, I'm going to try to have some time in the morning to plan out my day. I'm done writing low quality, rushed entries for journaling like I've been doing recently. From now on, I will plan! Time is abundant, you just have to plan for it! I'll be back next week but this time, I'm going to try my absolute hardest to incoporate a habit of planning and reading because it's been dragging my personal developpement down and I need to fix this. I'll see you next week, where I'll make sure to be successful.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 7: Bonus entry! + Time to RELAX

I've decided to spend some time writing in my journal today to not only set things straight, but to actually take the time to reflect on my thoughts without rushing like I did before. I think I'm simply taking too much responsibility on myself. I'm trying to be perfect, when it's impossible to be and this is leading to burnout, stress and anxiety. I can't suddenly decide to randomly adopt a new habit on the go. Yes, it's important to gradually improve yourself. Gradually being the key word. I've been trying to slam multiple habits at a time withing a short period of time and then do that again when I didn't fully intergate the first few. This is why I'm writing this entry. To set a start point for these habits and to take it slow.

I'm going to be begin with meditation.  I can meditate for 30 minutes a day and I plan to continue that for the rest of my life. I'm not removing this one due to it's enourmous benefits. Journaling once a week allows me to reflect if I actually have the time to do so. This means that it won't be Sunday night that I'll do it but instead Friday after dinner. I'll make it a priority over homework as I'll have the entire weekend to do it anyways.

Jogging every 2nd day for 30 minutes iis a difficult one. Taking care of my physical body is important, benefical and I get to destress. Plus, stuides show that it helps with the brain. I want to keep this one too, but I feel like I'm going to say this for every single one if I keep going. However, I'm going to say yes because I think it's a good idea to do so.

Leo's weekly video is another tough one. I want to due to it's benefits, but it's time consuming, especially with the notes I take for every video despite minimizing it. However, I will keep it. I know I can push myself (while not pusihng too hard) and keep tihs one up to.

Forget about the reading habit. I' going to keep it at a new years resolution for now and I will try to read a book a month. If I can't then that's okay.

Those are all my current habits for personal developpment, but right now I want to work towards adding a morining routine to start my day off positively and continue doing so for the rest of the day. I elaborated a plan to do so. Here's how my morning is going to go:

1. Recall dreams and write down if they provide valuable inspiration or ideas. They can also make me analyze a par tof my life that I haven't thought about.

2. Make my bed. Got to have a nicely done bed to go back at the end of the day and start off with a small task.

3. Clothes, Washroom and Hydration. Were dehydrated when you wake up, so drink some water to replenish some water. (clothes = getting dressed)

4. Meditate! Begin fresh with meditation. It's also easier to do in the morning.

5. Eat Breakfest, It's good to fuel you're body, since you haven't ate for at least 8 hours (in my case)

That is all. I'm going to implement this morning routine and take it slow. Wish me luck!

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 8: Change of plans!

I was suppose to write it on Friday, but I decided to do it today instead. I ate sushi with my family and well, we talked a lot about things that didn't matter. This lead to me sutdying and forgeting about journalising until I layed in bed. Instead, I decided to do it today. 

I've realized a lot of things this week. First is that I've been watching the wrong videos form Leo. The previous one learning = observation doesn't help me at the moment as I don't have the luxury to sit 5 hours observing without my parents interrupting me. This is due to being a minor because of this greatly reduces the amount of control I have on my life and what I can do, such as retreats. However, it'll definitely be useful in the future when I do become independent. 

Another thing I noticed this week is that I have a money problem. It's difficult for me to not worry about debt as I require a Ph.D for my future career, which is a lot of studying and a lot of tuition to pay. I also don't have much support from my parents and there's no clear way to pay off my debt. This lead to me being overly conservative about money, which may actually make me lose more money in the end if I'm not careful as I'll overthink and make a mistake or that I'll be overstressed, which causes me to mess up as well. From now on, I'll make sure to cultivate a healthy mindset with money, while making it and using it properly, even if I'm in debt.

I've been easily able to keep my new morning routine. It isn't hard to do it as it requires relatively little time and effort. However, I need to read more, as I'm way behind for my reading. Therefore, I'm going to spend one lunch every week additionally to reading one chapter per week on well, reading. It's one of my only free time spaces other than traveling by public transport. I think it actually has a good chance of working, I just need to dedicate myself to it. I'll also journal every Saturday now, as Sunday I'll rush it, the weekdays I don't have time but Saturday, I have enough time to plan it and it allows me to tell myself that I could do my homework tomorrow, along with most of my perosnal work. That is all.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 9: homeostasis

This week I've completely screwed up. I did not read a page of limitless, I haven't seen a video from Leo this week and I've been buried in homework, constantly doing it for "grades". It only today I've realized what I've been doing. Staying in homeostasis, using the excuse of homework to not change, to resist change. I want to change but I don't want to sacrifice my grades in order to do it.

In comes down to me two principal problems. Do I want to maintain my 94 average or do I want to continue my hobby of personal developement? I want both. I don't want only one. Therefore, I need to find a way to get both. So far I've been working too hard on my homework, so I need to find a way to minize the time I spend doing homework in order to do personal developement. Will is not enough, I need something else. What do I need?

Planning. I need to plan my personal developement and do it regardless of what else happens. I need to stick with the plan. I got a calendar, why not use it? That's what I'll do. I'll plan reading and the video and follow through. My daily and semi-daily stuff doesn't need to be planned as it's automaic, but my other hobbies need to be until there fixed.

I'll journal once a week on either friday, saturday or sunday. I'll keep it flexable as clearly I can't stick to a set date as as soon someone comes over (my uncle came over yesturday) I don't journal.

Money, it's been better, I've accepted it that I may be broke for a while in university. Not the end of the world I'll pay it back and done. That is all. I'm feeling ill at the moment so I'm going to go bed early today to rest up. See you next week.

 

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 10: Overwork...again

The title describes my week. I've been taking every opportunity I get and now I'm being squeezed by them. This is why I don't have spare time to work on personal developpement as I'm constantly spreading myslef too thin, leaving no time for what's important in the long-run. (personal developpement and self-care) It's the core problem.

I've come across this today yesterday at 8:40 Pm. I barely managed to finish Leo's weekly video that awarness is curative - How To Auto-Correct Unwanted Behaviors. I had twenty minutes to journal but I was exhausted and told myself I'll do it Monday instead. I know this as the more the weekend advanced, the grumpier and more irritated I got. I got more tired, had less control over myself and my general mood became more negative. I even splurged on pecans due to this. Although it was a pretty small splurge, I felt bloated after half a bag of pecans and when I went to bed, I was full and it affected my sleep.

Now the question is, what is the solution? Well, I think in my case it's simple. I just need to say no to more opportunites and assure that I don't overcommit myself. This is easier said than done, however I will try my best to stick with it for my sake. I know how burnout feels. I know what I missed, my favourite part of the day was gone because of it (personal developement) therefore, I have the motivaiton and I definitely will sitck with it. Wish me luck.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 11: Progress 

I almost signed up for more volunteering as I talked to about overworking. I went to a volunteer festival of the Canadian Cancer Society (online) and almost volunteered out of good will, knowing full well that I shouldn't handle the load. I had the paper in front of me. I wanted to sign it, but my intuition told me not to, so I didn't. Cancer is a problem, but it's not one that I want to tackle during this lifetime and therefore, I got rid of it, declined the invitation to the next meeting and carried on with my week. I'm happy I did and pat myself on the back.

On top of this it's March break (for where I live) and I get some time to relax, having no external pressure, deadlines or work to complete. This Sunday to Thursday at least. Although I'm working as a janitor, just to earn some cahs for university. I'm cleaning at a school. It gives me time to progress in my book (Limitless) and I think I'm going to try to complete it by the end of the week if possible.

Other than that, I feel slightly more in touch with reality after watching his video on his blog about his new awakening and taking down a video on solipsism. Nothing he said disappointed me, made me fell angry or betrayed as he described. All it made me feel was happy for him and that I found the right teacher for myself.

However, that being said I'm going to try a new rule on myself that I must try out and prove to myself what he said in the video to validate it for myself. I think I've been blindly believeing his teachings too much, therefore I'm going to start to make more of an effort to validte them when the opportunity presents itself or if I have doubts about it.

The following week my goal is to finish reading my book if possible and start looking into publishing my novella that I've almost completed. It still requires a bit of editing, but it's soon time to send it to the first publishing house. I promised one of my teachers that I'll give him a good copy and therefore I will, no matter how long it takes me to complete it.

That is all. Wish me luck, and I hope you do well on you're journey too!

 

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 12: Chaos with some bliss.

This week I've been a bit of a mess. I wasn't used to working eight hours a day and waking up early. This messed up my sleep, made me sluggish throughout the day and when I got home, I barely had any energy to work on personal developement work. Only two out of the four days I read Limitless. The other two days I yielded to my brother wanted to play magic: The Gathering which I used the excuse of it being a experience that I was doing consciously. It was partially true however, as I now know I treated it in the same way I do with movies. A escape from reality for a little bit of dopamine that quickly fades away. I'll only play to bond with him if I have time, but other than that I will abstant from the low concious activity.
 

Yesturday I watched Leo's Video on Being a strategic Motherfu.... (that word I dare not to say) - The 7 Pillars Of Strategic Thinking. It made me plan ahead and quite lilterally, force me to spend hours planning my future 20 years ahead. Now though, I know what I'll do as I planned it for more or less what I want to do.

First I'll complete high school, get into a social science program, get a bachelor in psychology, get a masters and a doctorate in counselling psychology to become a counselling psycohlogist. I'll then work to pay off the debts of this. while doing so with part time jobs during my study and afterwards as well. I'll try moving as soon as my finacial situation allows, getting a roomate to cut costs. Finally, once I have accumulated enough wealth, I'll use it to get a life coach certification (if needed) and then start my company which will be healing people, followed by improving them once there healed. I'll do this until I retire, which I will delay as much as possible. However, when I do, my life purpose will be complete. This is probably the time where I'll discover the truth and take Leo's course on discoever it, which I hope he'll release within 40 years. 

Note: This is a rough sketch of my life plan, I neglected a lot such as relationships and the small, details plans to not write this all day.

It is though, a solid plan for me up to now. Other than that, from Friday and forward, I've been reading and preparing to go back to school. The readings definitely helped me out, as it made me gain a insight/reminder of something I forgotten. I love to read! I've gotten a little stale because I wasn't reading and I feel like that made my days working as a janitor harder as I wasn't advance, making my life stale. Now I know though, I'll make sure to always read when I'm down, especially french fantasy books as it lifts my spirits as much as personal developement. (a little side hobby of mine to boost my morale from time to time when needed)

That is all though, so see you next week!

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 13: The cottage

It's been a good school week. I did all my assignments relatively well, I was keeping up with my homework and studies while being dilligent in maintaining my habits. The only slight downside was me struggling with food. My parents don't exactly make it easy sometimes to eat healthy unless commiting time to cook which I didn't really have. This lead to decent food options, but I know I could've done better with my vegtables. You see, we are often out of vegetables or fruit and rarely have both. This makes it that I have minor deficients that i don't even know about affecting my health. It sucks, as I can only persuade them so much until it gets on their nerves but I'll try my best with what I have.

The weekend on the other hand, was completely different. We went to the cottage. This may seem to be a good thing that I get to go to my parents cottage with them but I can assure you that it's not. Firstly, I lose a total of three hours which I could spend on personal developement or even just simply reflecting. Afterwards, we have guests over so I have no quiet space to do homework as I'm distracted by the guests which are staying over the entire weekend until we leave, my sleep is impacted as I can't go to sleep at 9:00 Pm because my bed has become the living room couch which is occupied at the party until 11:00 Pm and I'm running on six hours of sleep being grossly inefficent today. I do always keep my daily habits intact though. Finally, I got to spend time socialising with people I don't have the same values. My family is mainly stage orange with a bit of green and the guests are roughly the same. Here I am at stage green/yellow where I simply don't connect with them. However, I still tried to enjoy it and to some extent I did, but it definitely didn't fulfill me.

In the afternoon we came back and my father took a rapid test as he got a message that two workers form work were positive and he was in contact with them. He test positive. This means i have Covid (Omicron) and so does everyone who came over. This means I'm going to isolate, being sick (asymptomatic for now) and have more free time on my hands as I don't have to go and come back to school (2 hours) howerver, next week is going to be difficlut as I'll have a bunch of assignments and tests to complete. Luckily it's only one week tohugh that I have to isolate.

Let's talk about the book. Limitless. I did not move forward. No time this weekend and during the week I have no excuse. I could've made time, but didn't and I think I know why. Making time require work and I often pick the complacent easy path because I'm already doing so much more than my family and therefore i give myself the illusion that I'm doing enough, although the world needs more. I need reminders why this work is important because sometimes I squander my youth. However, I did move forward a little bit as I have one chapter of notes t write and then one more chapter to read and write notes, which then I'm done. Now I plan to do this tomorrow. That's what I'll do. I won't let my situation stop me, I'll take advantage of it and maximize my free time. I'll be back then, as this week I'm finishing the book.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 14: First Book Completed!

I'm proud of my progress despite the isolation I had to face due to having Covid-19. I've completed the book I wanted to read, even if it took 2.6 times longer than I expected. My next goal is to read a long research paper on ego developement theory. This research paper is much shorter and therefore, I think I'll be able to finish it within a month, especially now I know how to speed read without losing comprehension due to Limitless. There are also a few things I've learned through reading. First is that I need to minimize my notes or find a way to write them faster. I spend as much time reading as I did notetaking and that's a problem as I don't have the luxury of time on my side. Therefore, from now on, I'm going to be more flexible. I'm going to Write down notes as usual but minimizing it and sticking to point form instead of complete sentences to save time and with the extra time, I'm going to spend it on review the previous material I read in order to learn it twice which will help me retain it.

I've noticed something this week. During Isolation I felt a bit lonely. Before I frankly thought Ioneliness was not a problem but now I realise that this isn't the case. We all need to socialize once in a while. I don't think we need a connection as we are inheretly forever alone, but I do think we need to socialize due to the human condition that we've been born into.

Another insight I've noticed that I've had is that I have a tendacy to let my family rob me of my free time. They rob me by having family night which is a obligatory time where we meet up as a family and eat dinner, play a boardgame and watch a movie (that's usually low conciousness). We rotate the choice of the three elements between each family member and I found myself often slightly upset. I enjoy it, but I always keep thinking that I could use the time much more efficently to read, or take notes or meditating or anything on personal developpement. However this is obligatory. The other activites, which are playing a card game or board game are much more easy to deal with. I could simply say no. That's what I'll do from now on. Family bonding is not a priority anymore over personal development. (although still important) I'll keep that in mind.

That's about it, other than being bombared with school work this week as I had to stay at home due to covid, so this week I'm expecting it to be tough. However, I will make sure to stay on track and begin reading and taking notes on that research paper which I'll print out. Wish me luck.
 

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 15: Plans falling apart

I did not read the research paper. I printed it out though, so at least there's that. However, I know exactly why I didn't read. I didn't plan for it. I simply prioritized homework and let my school take over my education. Instead of developping myself, I caught up on a bunch of work that I'm still partially lagging behind. The week at school was tough on me, not because of tests but because of Covid I had to run to every classroom to grab the work I missed and attempt to complete it. I did make progress though, but now I'm going to prioritze reading the research paper. I got three weeks left and this time, I will not slack off. I will plan and execute.

On a different note, I'm going to see a guidance counsellor to plan my future career. Tomorrow morning I'm going to visit her, plan the meeting. I know what field, I know I want to be a psychologist, but the ony problems is the degrees which I need to get. I plan to figure out which degrees I want  so that i can gain clarity on where I'm going in my life.

That's about it this week. I've been too busy doing homework to have learned much. I however, learned to reject politely to play board games with my family and due to this, I got an extra hour. Now I plan to do the same for the rest of my life.

Final thing, I did my french placement test. I thing I will be placed directly into the regular french proram as I feel like I did well on all except one part which was grammar. The written part was done well, the grammar was probably barely a fail, the reading comprehension I did well and the interview with the teacher went well, so let's hope that themarks balance out. Anyways, my goals for this week are:

• Read 1/3 of the research paper
• Completely catch up on school work
• Get a meeting date with guidance cancellor

Wish me luck (I sincerely believe in luck)

 

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 16: I think I got the problem.

Habits, there really hard to implement. I've been prioritizing school again and this is exaclty what I didn't want to do. I've got no progress on the research paper and I now got two weeks left to complete it. Furthermore, I haven't watched a video form Leo this week as I was 'busy' doing school work. I have however, caught up to the gist of things for school and will be seeing the guidance counsellor tomorrow. In this aspect I did well.

After reflexting about my situation on the bus though, I've made a decision. From now on I'm going to do personal developement first before doing school work. There's no way around it as there will always be something to do for school and therefore I have to force myself to strip to just the necessities in order to improve myself. A quote I heard a while back from someone Jim Kwik was talking to sums up what I need to do.

"Jim, don't let school get in the way of your education"

That is exactly the lesson I need to get and it will begin by truly prioritizing personal developpment. I will focus on just this during the week to assure that I get it done. Here's my plan:

When you arrive home, after the jog (if you need to exercise) read for 10 minutes, or else read right away.
Sunday afternoon is researched for Leo's video.

This will get me back on track if I do it, which I believe I will because I'm capable and it isn't complicated. Anyways, I got news about cegep. Firstly is that I did poorly on the french placement test and therefore I got declined the program I wanted to get into. My french wasn't good enough. I however, got a offer for general social science instead which is...not even my second option. Therefore, I asked if I could pick my major and they would see if they could accommodate my request to major in psychology. Luckily they could and I've been accepted to social science majoring in psychology. This was my second option, so I'll take it. I usually don't settle for second but it's quite impossible for me to go into english and french social science when all colleges have the proof of my poor french skills. It's okay though, I'l still be able to study in psychology in the future, except now it's definitely going to have to be in english. That's all.

See you next week journal.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 17: Progress?

The reading habit stuck. I was consistent and read the research paper 10 minutes per day. The only exception was Friday where I went to the cottage with my family and instead doubled the time I read Saturday to make up for it. Furthermore, I still have a problem. I don't have the luxury of time on my side to sit down for two hours and watch a video from Leo. I instead did homework for the most of the weekend with the exception of a board game to play with guests and the family which I've gotten peer pressured to. It made me go to bed late, loss study time and concentration the next day. It's a lot harder to say no when there's guests than just my family as it's seen as being rude. But the truth is that it's not rude. I'm prefectly allowed to not pla a board game if I don't want to. Actually, let me tell you a story.

Sunday morning while I was doing homework my Dad came to me and stated "Your still doing homework?" I replied "Yes, school gives no break this timeof the year and I have to focus since I've used all of my free time yesturday." The tone suggested I regretted it., which I did. I could've used it for reading or more likely, Leo's video. "You enjoyed it though no?" I didn't anwser, I just went back to doing math homework. I didn't really enjoy playing seven wonders, it felt more like a waste of time to me than anything else. No bond was built between me and anyone else that night. 

Anyways, moral of the story, I should've been honest. I think I need to make it clear repetitively that I don't want to play a board game if I don't need to. Or else, regrets come and loss of what was my only free time in the day.

I've also come across an interesting observation recently. It's hard to resist something to your constantly exposed to. For example, most of my family loves playing videogames and consuming series, movies and media. Most of them are majoritarily Stage Orange with a bit of green. They love luxuries and because of this, I'm constantly exposed to these things too and I find myself often craving them a little. However, at school I don't even think about these things as I'm busy or simply not nearly exposed to them openly as much. If I am, then I could simply walk way while in the house I can't stop my brother from playing videogames just because we share the same bedroom. Tis is something I'm going to keep in mind and attempt to switch rooms when possible while doing work to avoid these activities. There not bad, but it's just something I don't want to dedicate my life too.

To end off, let's talk about my goals this week. I plan to get halfway through the ego developement theory research paper now that I have the habit. It's possible, considering I'm also at my mom's house with few distractions and that I'll have more free time. (I'll explain my parent's sitation next entry) I'll also watch Leo's video as a four day weekend is coming to me due to easter. That is all.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 18: I’ve noticed something…and something else…

 

Whenever I reflect in this journal, I have a habit of looking back within my week and loving it, despite all its downs and ups. I think to myself that everything is going to be okay and in the end, it’s always true. This puts me in the best mood of the week, where I’m awed at everything around me. The keyboard I’m using to write this journal, the classical music playing in my headphones and even the negative, how I feel the pain in my lower back for not sitting straight. It’s…beautiful. I feel like I’m in somewhat of a dream.

 

Now back to the rational state of me, despite feeling amazing I have a few things to say to myself. Secondly, I noticed that I’m too generous to others. Let me explain. Instead of using my free time to do the final review of my book and maybe get ready to publish it or watch a video from Leo, instead I helped my Mom’s boyfriend paint the house as they needed a hand. Another time this weekend I decided to let my older brother show me a part of a videogame instead of going back to study which took 15 minutes of my time. I also helped my parents put the groceries in the fridge today and assure that there was enough space for all of it. (They went to Costco) This took me roughly 10 minutes. I use positive actions to keep my ‘healthy’ ego alive through little good deeds instead of learning and changing my ego as it attempts to stay in homeostasis. I’m going to begin to work on fixing that, prioritising my personal development instead of this.

 

I just realised, I ran into the same problem. I’m stalling my personal development again by finding an excuse to do something else. I need to put it as my #1 priority. The question is, how am I going to do that? (thinks for 5 minutes before continuing)

Doing it first. I think it comes down to completing it before my school work. For example, the reading habit easily stuck after I did it before my schoolwork as my mind still prioritises schoolwork over personal development. If I make it that I don’t just put my reading habit and meditating/exercising before schoolwork, but also all my other goals then I’ll be more likely to complete them. That’s what I’m going to try!

Quick note that I’m at the strategist stage of the research paper and haven’t watched Leo’s video, but that’s okay. I think I’m starting to become auto sufficent despite his content being very profound and insightful. I believe (not sure yet) that I can start figuring out a lot of things on my own and that Leo prompted my development and dramatically changed my life. Thank you Leo. My  family situation doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things so I’m not going to explain it. Anyways, wish me luck for the upcoming week!

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 19: A break...

I took my first break today in a while. I was able to say no to schoolwork and took some time to watch a video from Leo and take down notes. It was nice. It was one of his older videos called Hot to deal with strong negative emotions. It wasn't a long one, but it was good. However, I mostly knew what he taught through experience. To deal with emotions, you must feel them and not avoid them. Then then disappear overtime and practicing this will make it become second nature.

I've been keeping up with my hobbies as usual and I'm almost finished the ego developement theory research paper. It's complicated, especially that I'm now at the construct/ego-aware stage. However, I'll finish it by next week since there's little left that I have to read. I'll then use it as a reference point afterwards from then on to learn from.

The break taught me something important today. It taught me that school is not a priority, but personal developement is. I think I'm finally embodying it after some time. For once, I believe that I'm finally learning the lesson. I'm going to try to sitck to it. I think I can.
 

Something else! Yesturday I watched a movie because my family always has a weekend where we play a game, watch a movie and eat a meal together to spend some quality time together as a family. The movie did something to my brain. I can't explain it, but it made me feel stagnant as I finished watching it, just like the time before that. It doesn't have a positive impact on me and from now on, despite it being rude, I think I'll try to avoid watching it even while my family is watching the movie. I recall feeling...hypnotised by it. (not sure what word to use here to accurately describe what I felt) Luckily it's only every 2nd week due to my parents being seperated. I'll let you know how it oes if I remember.

Finally, one final observation I let you have is that I've been procrasinating my personal developement work. For some reaosn which I have yet to figure out. I feel like it's a little meaningless to do it though sometimes as life is meaningless. I think a little of nihilism is still inside me that I have to deal with which I'll try doing. That's all. I got a bit of time before sleeping, so I'm going to read.

I didn't write as much today because I didn't feel like it despite having the sensaiton that I made a decent amount of progress in personal developement. See you next week.

[Gabriel Joy]

Entry 20: Embodying + completed research paper

This upcoming week I've decided that I'll be embodying unconditional love I give. I'm going to try to reduce the amount of conditional love I give out to the world. I'm going to do this by visualizing myself being more loving. I'm going tot try to dedicate most of my free time that I spend doing nothing, simply visualising myself being loving to all. Then, I'll apply it and embody it.

I watched half of Leo's video about love, which I plan to finish next weekend. Also, I finished the research paper on ego developpement and began reading The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel's Branden. This is to learn more about how my self-esteem and how it greatly increased. I want to get some introspection on it to understand myself. Furthermore, I've been invited on a podcast to talk about my self-esteem journey which is at the end of May, so I'm definitely going to finish it before that because I have a deadline to respect now. As for the ego developement paper, I'll use it to guide myself and others (if ever I'm in a position to do so) and consult it from time to time. I took notes on the paper and I will do so as well for books. The reason for this is because it greatly improves my understanding, as it forces me to recall the info and better memorise it, among many other reasons which I've learned due to Jim's Kwik Limitless book.

I've noticed a little something on perspective as well. I've realised that it dictaces much of what someone does. For example, if someone things cheese on hotdogs is disgusting, whenever he sees someone eating cheese with hotdogs he'll be disgusted and possibly impose his opinion on others by saying something like "Cheese doesn't go with hotdogs, it's disgusting" This happens everyday which I realised is also a survival tactic. It reinforces your ego to maintain it, by perserving it's identity and preventing it from dying, at least partially. Yet, it drives people as well with what they deem important in life and makes them chase it conciously or unconciously. Anyways, I'm done explaning something Leo probably already said in his video, so see you next week.