What’s happening?

[B_HAZ]

I don't know what’s wrong with me

I've become extremely rigid\ dry and selfish person 

I got dumped out because " I'm emotionally rigid " 

I ignore my friends and I keep saying no to them 

My mom just texted me that she's sick and she needs me but I ignored her and didn’t go

I keep treating everyone like shit I'm extremely cold I see everything as " drama " and I don't want to participate and be involved in it 

I feel I'm paralyzed and freezed I don't want to anything about it 

I really hate myself I feel I don't have much to give\offer even to myself I feel I'm dying 

Edited November 22, 2021 by B_HAZ

[ted73104]

Man, this is a huge riddle you have here for us. I can only guess what's going on in your psyche right now, assuming what you wrote was serious.

However it would seem like your last sentence provides a hint on your situation. You seem to genuinely hate yourself, and under this set of deep emotions, you don't want to care about anything or anyone else. Your "environment" is judgemental of yourself for a number of reasons (very interested in knowing what those reasons are). You think you are unworthy of relationship with others, which is why you reject your friends, because you think potentially you would destroy your relationship with your friends in some way or if something happened. You reject your friends, your family, and the people around you because you don't want to hurt them and yourself. You believe there are criterias you need to have in order to be worthy of love from the people around you, however you feel that you're totally not capable of fulfilling those criterias. This brings a deep feeling of shame, which gives you this very cold vibe. This vibe is so strong, it could also freeze those who look into your eyes.

 

Your perception of your self identity is holding you back. Your strong love for those around you is manifested in the form of a deep hatred. You feel you don't care, but actually this emotion of not caring proves how much you want to care. You want to love and be loved, but your situation doesn't allow you to give or receive love. So instead your love has turned into hatred, which is a kind of extreme self-love. You feel agony because you're in a tough bind, internal conflicts are occuring within you. I think we need to know what the judgements you've given yourself are in order to really be able to help you.

[Cathal]

'I really hate myself' start here and deconstruct