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About B_HAZ

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  1. She's sick about to die how can I prepare myself for this to make it easier for me to heal and move on
  2. @Karmadhi Ok I will read it @NoSelfSelf @puporing thanks
  3. @UnbornTao I choose to be authentic I don't want the lollipop
  4. @Lyubov Yeah I think the same too I've always admired people who're extremely vulnerable I want to be like that eventually
  5. So I decided to finally open up with a friend , I've always avoided opening up with people and create deep connection. I have a dismissive attachment and I'm working on that. I feel extreme resistance from doing this but I will do it any way. because living a good life is uncomfortable so I will force myself to get comfortable with being uncomfortable but how can I do this without retraumatising myself again like opening up to the wrong people. Also how can I do this without appearing weak and victim how can I open up from a powerful place and not negative weak place ? should I share everything it would be too much ? I already feel deep shame from what I will share but I will share it anyway I know that this is how I cure shame but I remember doing this in the past people were treating me like a weak person and I don't want this to happen again
  6. Yesterday I had a conversation with a completely random person because I'm trying to improve my social skills and I tried to sound very compassionate and charismatic person but I ended up embarrassing myself we talked a lot about different things but every time she was asking me a question I answered her with another question but then she noticed and told me that I do this because I want to protect myself which is so true but I felt embarrassed that she saw that I avoid being vulnerable and I use “being compassionate and charismatic person” and turn\make the conversation about\around the other person as an excuse to not make myself vulnerable I felt embarrassed because it shows how insecure I'm. I feel I’m really weak for avoiding being vulnerable and being truly myself I always put on this fake front. Not only with random people but even with my closest friends and family basically everybody. Can you guys imagine that since I was a child nobody ever knew the real me even my parents I was a quite kid I never talked about myself like never I always try to take control and turn the conversation around the other person avoid reveal anything about the real me I know the root cause of this but yesterday it hit me hard because it’s the first time someone notices this I feel sad you guys because I was playing this game for my whole life I want to stop being this dysfunctional version of me it prevented me from experiencing a lot of joy in life I feel I don't exist because no body ever saw me I'm always hiding I feel extremely tired and drained. Life is exhausting I want to cry then sleep for hours to escape this deep suffering
  7. I struggle with self expression a lot , whenever I try to express my authentic self what I truly think\feel it always come out really weird and the reaction I get is always not what I expect \want. Or I get misunderstood completely then end up just being a listener or engaging in a shallow conversations there's always a limit to how I deep I engage in conversations because I feel either they won't get my point ( it will take a lot of effort ) or they will dismiss going that far. I enjoy deep conversations but never felt I'm able to do that with my friends , I never felt fulfilled with my friendships because I'm not able to communicate my authentic self in a way thats not weird or be able to make them understand my points and because I always end up being a listener it sucks my energy so much and I feel drained every time I hang out with my friends because they don't meet my need for being understood\connected Also I struggle with opening up with them because I don't want them to feel bad like I do when they vent or talk about their struggles etc. I feel I will be a burden so I end up just listening and I feel my friendships not balanced I give but I don't get anything back and I feel so tired and drained afterwards, although I love them so much and I want to give but I run out of energy easily and I know this is all because of me but I'm not sure how to fix this I mean how can Improve my self expression and how can I allow myself open up with people without feeling burden and also how can I set boundaries and stop giving so much energy to prevent feeling drained .
  8. I'm the only one who know this .She's in a complete denial she said that she don't care and she's strong she's basically gaslighting herself and how she feels she was saying it but her eyes is full of grief, she doesn't believe in support she don't want to tell her husband\ family so they don't feel bad she keep telling herself that she's strong etc.How can I help her not be stuck in denial and stop gaslighting herself and allow herself to grief and thats doesn't mean she's weak . How\what the best way can I support her ?
  9. @ZenRising I did create a support group for myself I'm really trying my best I'm working on myself everyday since I was 18 now I'm 23 I've improved on many aspects. My motivation was to finally feel accepted and be able to " love myself " everything I did was because I hate myself not because I love myself I wrote this post after many attempts of allot of things and I'm starting to lose hope thats why I can't even open up fully to my therapist and my coach because I feel ashamed of my issues I don't want them to see how much I'm broken and dysfunctional Thank you for the responses I appreciate you all@catcat69123 @Mu_ @silene @Rilles @mandyjw @Gregory1
  10. @catcat69123 They're not legal in my country Maybe in the future
  11. @Rilles I did try this but I felt I'm just deceiving myself I can think this thought all day long but not being able truly feel it
  12. @silene I'm already working with both a life coach and a therapist.. but I struggle with telling them everything
  13. Thanks preety I appreciate your response I will start doing this for sure