My Sleep Boss = Being dominated and victimhood (no comments)

[Preety_India]

There are a thousand thoughts running in my head that I need to jot down. 

 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Yesterday in the evening I was constantly thinking about how I felt more feminine and subdued when I was dominated and it felt so awesome. Even felt protected. 

It's almost like being in a cult but not a bad cult, a cult where you have authority but benevolent authority.. 

[Preety_India]

A sense of victimhood actually felt secure and protective 

I imagined myself as a rape victim. I know this sounds bad. 

But it felt very healing, liberating, and freeing, recuperating, secure, protective, curative and therapeutic. 

I don't why. 

I was watching a documentary. 

This was the documentary. 

 

 

 

It helped a bit. 

I imagined myself as a rape-murder victim of Robert Hansen a serial killer 

 

I felt good. Maybe it made my childhood trauma be understood better.. 

I felt like some angel was protecting me. 

I felt like I wanted to care for myself better and be less self destructive when I imagined myself as a victim. It gave me a sense of peace. 

It felt protective for some weird reason 

As though escaping a serial killer was a victory. 

That a serial killer attempted to murder me and I escaped and survived somehow and this was a soothing feeling. 

In many ways it mirrored the years of abuse I suffered and gave me a false support that I had somehow escaped all that. 

 

 

 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I also felt like I should be dominated by someone, like a cult. 

That they should dictate me what I should do. I felt weak and powerful at the same  time. It felt like therapy.

On one hand it felt weakening as though I was getting more and more fragile but on the other hand I felt more empowered because I was considered important in this cult. I was being valued though I was dominated. 

I have no idea how this works but it felt good. 

 

[Preety_India]

33 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

A sense of victimhood actually felt secure and protective 

I imagined myself as a rape victim. I know this sounds bad. 

But it felt very healing, liberating, and freeing, recuperating, secure, protective, curative and therapeutic. 

I don't why. 

I was watching a documentary. 

This was the documentary. 

 

 

 

It helped a bit. 

I imagined myself as a rape-murder victim of Robert Hansen a serial killer 

 

I felt good. Maybe it made my childhood trauma be understood better.. 

I felt like some angel was protecting me. 

I felt like I wanted to care for myself better and be less self destructive when I imagined myself as a victim. It gave me a sense of peace. 

It felt protective for some weird reason 

As though escaping a serial killer was a victory. 

That a serial killer attempted to murder me and I escaped and survived somehow and this was a soothing feeling. 

In many ways it mirrored the years of abuse I suffered and gave me a false support that I had somehow escaped all that. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll call my brain (when I'm asleep) the sleep boss. 

It's the power of the subconscious mind. 

I often get my insights in sleep and in dreams. 

Here an external entity is playing the role in dominating me 

For example 

• My sleep boss 
• My twin flame 
• My guardian angel 
• My totem or spirit animal 
• My pets 
• My subconscious mind 
• My intuition or inner psychic 
• The imaginary cult that I'm a part of
• My therapist
• My fortune teller or tarot card reader. 
• God 

Notice how all of these are external and not internal at all. It means we have a connection to the outside world and that determines the trajectory in our life. 

Often we're too good for ourselves and someone else Can guide us better. 

Being self  defensive doesn't help with self preservation. It's supposed to be counterintuitive. 

Someone else should defend and protect you, an external source. 

 

[Preety_India]

What blocks me from truly getting the help I need =

 Me myself. 

 

How? 

By being hyper hyper defensive 

 

This becomes a barrier for trauma victims although it appears like a Shield. 

It blocks the individual from connecting to external sources that are actually ginormously helpful but the extreme inner defensiveness sabotages these forces from guiding you. 

Let go of the defense. This is easier said than done for a trauma victim. 

But when you completely submit and surrender yourself to external sources, perhaps they can actually be able to help 

 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

A sense of victimhood actually felt secure and protective 

I imagined myself as a rape victim. I know this sounds bad. 

But it felt very healing, liberating, and freeing, recuperating, secure, protective, curative and therapeutic. 

I don't why. 

I was watching a documentary. 

This was the documentary. 

 

It helped a bit. 

I imagined myself as a rape-murder victim of Robert Hansen a serial killer 

I felt good. Maybe it made my childhood trauma be understood better.. 

I felt like some angel was protecting me. 

I felt like I wanted to care for myself better and be less self destructive when I imagined myself as a victim. It gave me a sense of peace. 

It felt protective for some weird reason 

As though escaping a serial killer was a victory. 

That a serial killer attempted to murder me and I escaped and survived somehow and this was a soothing feeling. 

In many ways it mirrored the years of abuse I suffered and gave me a false support that I had somehow escaped all that. 

 I sometimes tend to think in hard extremes as well.

I feel totally at peace when I think about causing a massacre. Now, I would never do that and I never could to begin with.

But the thought of becoming the reaper of souls and just brutally shooting someone in the head calms me down. It’s like all of my trauma calms down and I can breathe.

It’s honestly fascinating and scary hehe 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel Yea I kinda get that. 

For me it's being in a state of victim that kinda heals the trauma because it gives me space and time to assess how I feel about it. Being normal means I don't have a standard to compare my abnormal feelings with.