Toxic Thoughts And Self Awareness

[curiousyill]

Hey guy's, gal's and everyone else in between (gender fluid I guess), I'm not good at forums and don't have much experience on them so if I am doing something wrong let me know please. Anyway, hi, my name is Merril and I wanted to talk a little about myself. I grew up in a very TOXIC place: child abuse, rage, ignorance, bullying, and all sorts of fun stuff. All of this lead to severe anxiety, depression, self hate, hate of others, hatred towards the human race, my own fits of unnecessary emotional reactions, and ignorance. I could go on for a while, but I think you get the point. I am an intelligent person, I'm not a super scientist like Neil Degrasse Tyson; but my current path of self actualization has made me realize how observant I have always been with the world around me under all of those layers of bullshit. I stumbled across Leo's videos about 3 weeks ago (I think) and since then I have been on a decent upward spiral, I've slipped up a lot; but I'm more conscious about it now at least and am able to control myself better. I had anxiety, and I'm proud to say HAD; or at very least the symptoms are gone. I've been labeled all kinds of stuff like: bipolar, ADD, ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder; and I've been labeled all of this since I was young. I was labeled by friends, family, teachers, my high school (oh yes, I have my student report basically saying I'm going to fail in life as an adult); I had all of this pounded in my head so bad that I believed it. I missed out on over 10 years of personal growth because I was too busy believing I can't. I went to school finally around the age of 32, beat myself up the entire time I went; yet somehow graduated with me associates degree; but I was still so deep in denial that I went to one or two job interviews and was crushed and gave up on that career (like a dummy). I am currently enrolled as an art major, but have a hard time being artistic; full of self doubt I was afraid of participating in thing's as simple as group critiques.

      Now at least I am stronger, a little; but totally strong enough to realize what I became and now I am fighting it. I am fighting it so fucking hard, and I don't want to slip and become what I was again. I stand tall now, I take every second I can to read (I am currently reading Abraham Maslow's book, Toward a Psychology of Being); and I am all around just trying to self improve every aspect. Like I said, and I admit fully; the past few weeks I have failed just as much as I have succeeded. But I also know that's cool because I am not going to be a Zen master in a month. Basically I just wanted to put out my little story here to help others, and to get help from others; the hardest part about self actualization right now is that no one is taking me seriously and think it's some "phase" that I'm going through. So if you feel like me, don't give up man; it's easy to give up, but it's very rewarding to keep going instead. Keep it up everyone, and my hope is to never give up as well. And thank you Leo, thank you so much; I can't express it enough, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU LEO! If I didn't stumble across your YouTube videos I would still be, well unconscious. Much love to everyone, much love to Leo, much love to Maslow, and much love to me. I'm not done yet, I'm only getting started

[Baby]

Congratulations! You're on track. Keep a journal. If something changes, ask for a hand, if you can help someone else... 

[curiousyill]

Thanks man, and I will; I'm willing to share any great tool I've used. Speaking of, I already talked a little about Abraham Maslow. I fell in love with his book so much I ordered two copies; one original print from 1968 (I believe) as a keepsake, and a new print version to read over an over. I also ordered two Maslow DVD's, and of course I give a ton of love to Leo; he's a great man for releasing so much content and I am forever grateful. Oh so my point (lol), I recommend "Toward a Psychology of Being" to everyone, some of it is a little hard to understand at first; but if something gets confusing just google the crap out of it

[Baby]

Yes, when I found Leo, it had a certain "truth" bell that resounded with in me. There are many great works of art... Literature and music... That will do that. It's a blessing that turns your antenna to the right tune. Awesome resources. Granted Leo is a bit ... An acquired taste... Unique. I am too. When he is at the highest I tend to go "wait a minute..." And in truth we all most go at our own pace. He would agree, so long as we stay on a positive track, bring light, kindness, and pass on our experience to those around us, we are indeed on the right track. 

[curiousyill]

Just own it, Leo is an ass; but an amazing one. My first five minutes of Leo was like: I want to punch this dude (lol, sorry Leo). But what I realized was, he's just trying to speak in a modern language (I think). His attitude is fresh, honest and enlightening. My absolute favorite Leo moment is: 'Shut the fuck up." I almost shit myself laughing and that was the moment I realized, he's right; I need to shut up and get on the horse.

[curiousyill]

Great news! I got my very own copy of "Toward a Psychology of Being" today; a nice shiny new print. I am going to highlight the crap out of my favorite parts! I also ordered an original print from back in the day, that one is going in a safe place Time to take the library copy back so someone else can read it