Asking for advice

[Jenkins]

Hello,

So I've noticed that for some time (at least 2-3 years, probably started 4 years ago) I'm getting in the situation in which I'm hitting more or less rock bottom.

Afterward, I put in energy, effort, willpower and everything I can to get better (financially, mentally, physically), up to the point I consider myself as good or better than my peers and then it comes the moment when I think that I'm good enough and can accept for example smoking one joint of weed.

This last time after doing so, instead of an afternoon I spent 12 days smoking and doing solely this, while my streak of both exercise and learning and being motivated by the two mentioned disappeared.

And now it's weird that I'm feeling confused. I know I want to smoke and I know I shouldn't do it if I want to grow in career and have a good physical shape.

I'm thinking that I identified myself with the image of the guy who always hits rock bottom and after hardcore gets out of it like an underdog, but I don't seem to love myself enough in order to get out of this paradigm.

I am also a very competitive and obsessed guy after I get good at something, yet I like to be friendly and nice and such so this might be also my fail safe not to have to show my "aggressive" sides.

Any tips / feedback / any similar cases and how you overcome this?

 

 

[Waken]

Can't relate that well to your story. From your message, I see you're comparing yourself with others, and that you might think you're not good enough when you're being in what you call rock bottom. Then if you get out of the rut, you're 'good enough'. Then you might be living from a motivation trying to become a more respectable person, and have how you feel be conditioned on how well you think of yourself and others think of you. However, what if you were to turn that around. What if you were to go through your life with the intention to give yourself all the love, understanding and acceptance that you crave? Just loving and accepting yourself more and more and to keep making more and more choices that feel good to you? Anyway, wishing you well:-)

Edited September 30, 2021 by Waken