Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

My Trip with my Dad

The trip that I took to the northeast was interesting because this was the first time that I travelled with my dad. Normally, I feel a sense of dread when it comes to the topic of travelling with my family but I thought I'd give it a chance because I have never done it before and because I thought that it would give me more clarity on how I feel about my family overall. Here are some of my take aways: 

I might not have super fuzzy feeling toward my dad but I can tolerate him and I enjoy being in his presance. It's safe to say that much of what made travelling and even living with my family difficult was my mom and the ick vibes that largely come from her. I can't help but wonder what my relationship to my dad would be like if my mom didn't influence the dynamic. Compared to my mom, I have more of a basis on the relationship I have with my dad as he did take more time out to cultivate that. He is also someone that I can go to, not really emotionally but more so logistically if I get into a difficult situation because I know he can handle it and not freak out on me. I feel safe with him on that regard and that alone helped me get closer to him growing up. He also managed both his South Asian identity and his living circumstances well and he was a huge help in me figuring out how to navigate life as a South Asian person living in the U.S. since he immigrated here in his early 20s and went to college here. And this also helped my friends as well since most South Asian kids often feel like they were at odds when it came to their home life and life outside of home. I atleast had one parent that was accommodating and understanding. I can have enjoyable surface level conversations and intellectually engage with him which does a lot to make me feel like I can confide in him and open up to him regarding my thoughts especially compared to my mom. 

However, after having a couple conversations, I realized that my dad can't guide me on making life long fulfilling decisions because quite frankly, he hasn't reflected on his life until his 60s and didn't think about his decisions before making them. For one, I feel like we operate very differently because I have a very carefully thought out person. While he does have a basic sense of self awareness in being able to admit when he's wrong, read and understand things about people, and not behave like a total psychopath, introspection is not something that is well developped in his tool kit and I find that absolutely wild. That said, I do think there is something I can learn from my dad and his sense of impulsivity since it did pay out in various areas of his life, mainly when it comes to his career, finances, and living situation. However, this sense of impulsivity was awful for his marriage and other relationships in his personal life. He rushed into an arranged marriage with my mom and he was one of those people who tried to have a baby, me, to fix the marriage. And there is a part of me where even though I don't have a super amazing relationship with my dad, where I can talk to my dad about a lot of deep topics and emotionally open up to him, I still cling on to it because it's the only family realtionship I have that I can tolerate. I'm definitely going to explore more of this in therapy. 

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I also wrote about other feelings I was getting that is related to how I feel about my family. This is from my notes section on my phone: 

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There is a sense of loneliness that I feel as a female cycle breaker. I feel like I have no one to turn to as a woman because I am living a totally different life from my mother, my aunts, and especially my grandmother. And they can't guide me because they never got this far in their life and I have to navigate all of this uncharted territory. There is a sense of lonliness in survivor's guilt because why was I able to have these privileges, from being able to complete both high school and college, travelling alone, living independently, and being financially independent to where I have so much more autonomy on who I get married to and when and whether or not I decide to have children. And then there is the lonliness that comes from the envy of other older South Asian women who have an attitude of "well if I had to go through X, you do too." And of course, there is the loneliness from not being able to connect with your family in the same way because you have dealt with your own traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms and you no longer resonate with their over all dynamic. 

I have unpacked a lot of this in therapy and I have been unpacking the guilt that I have regarding the conclusion that I have reached regarding the relationship I have with my mom. A lot of the guilt comes from how mothers are held to a stricter standard for parenting compared to fathers and how we also hold mothers to a pedastal because of the higher standards. I don't want to have a bias against my mom because she is a woman and because I have some type of internalized misogyny that I'm reflecting back at her. As a woman, I understand a lot of the pain she has gone through and I can see parts of myself in her to where I think that I would have ended up like her if I was simply born in a different time. And even though I'm not a mother, I can still empathize with the sacrifices she has made and how hard of a job it is to be a mother. However, as her daughter, I'm still in pain and I'm still angry because of the things she has put me through and that is valid as well. And unfortunately, I don't think I can continue to have a relationship with her, I don't know what that will look like in the long term practically and I'm still coming to terms with this realization but this is something that I'm going to be exploring more in therapy. 

Speaking of which, the pain I feel from a lack of guidance in my life seems to be a common theme in a lot of my interpersonal relationships and the sense of lonliness I feel in adulthood. That is also something I'm exploring more in therapy. I have explained this in the context of my family but it also shows up in my friendships in the way that part of me clings onto my friends for that sense of guidance in difficult times and gains fufillment from in a normal situation. But it still doesn't fill the void because my friends are my age and we're in similar life stages and I wish I had someone older and wiser to guide me and give a bigger perspective. This desire for guidance is also a common theme that shows up in the emotional needs of my inner teenager and how I look back at my former self. Basically, there was a lot that I had to figure out alone as a teenager and while I was proud of that growing up because I thought that it made me mature of my age, as I got older I realized that it was kind of fucked up that I had to deal with so many difficult things all by myself and how I couldn't go to my parents for guidance. I also dealt with and worked through a past of hyperindependence and I guess I moved the pendulum a smidge too far in the opposite direction which has left me with a sensitvity of being alone at times when I deal with difficult things emotionally here and there.  

Edited January 6 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Things I Want to Discuss in Therapy

Just a little mental check list

1. My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip. 
2. Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained above. 
3. What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends.
4. Where to go with my family relationships. 
5. My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Analysis 2023

I was looking for my media consumption analysis journal entry for 2022 and I guess I just never did one lol. 

Back in 2021, I had 3 posts on this topic where I discuss life experience content, video essays, and self improvement. I feel like I still occupy the same categories in my media diet but the ratio of it is different. I feel like I take in mostly video essay content. I think I watch maybe something more self improvement related like a couple times a week or so. And life experience content is kind of sprinkled in there at random to where I can't say that any particular creator sticks out a lot. 

As I look into a good chunk of my subscriptions, most of them are video essay channels. I wouldn't say that I found myself hyperfocussing on any one channel rather I just watch videos as I find interesting. I have also been watching a lot of content from Vaush because I think his takes are pretty well rounded and the topics he covers are informative. Basically, this year I have mainly been focussing on enjoying my hobbies and interest and letting me living my life be the thing that develops me rather than content. Nevertheless, I went ahead and attached a document with my youtube subscriptions since the picture wasn't showing up correctly when I tried to insert it to this post. 

I will say that I have been watching a lot of things on Tiktok. It's hard to really capture what my consumption was like because people typically watch things on their for you page rather than just the people they are subscribed to. I did catch myself getting some early symptoms of chronically online brainrot in the last month or so. As a result, I went ahead and deleted the app. Going forward in 2024, I want to be more offline because I'm at a point where the internet feels like it's distorting my sense of reality and that certain popular trends are getting on my nerves so I think it's time for me to touch grass lol. 

youtube subscriptions 2023.docx

[soos_mite_ah]

The Dread

Normally I like the time around New Years because I love a good new beginning and since I'm a Scorpio rising, I love a good rebirth and reinvention. But for some reason I find myself feeling this sense of dread with 2024. I briefly journaled about this last night in my notes section and I did talk about this in my post about working a corporate job for one year. 

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Maybe I'm re-evaluating things regarding me working a 9-5 job for a year and thinking about that in comparison to me spending the vast majority of my life as a student. Maybe I'm concerned about existance getting more expensive. Maybe it's becuase there are multiple genocides happenning with no end in sight. Maybe it's because it feels like as a collective, things have been getting more and more chaotic with no sign of getting better (I miss back when I thought 2016 was crazy because given the current events, I kinda miss the killer clowns on the loose.). Maybe it's because the year I will turn later on this year sounds a bit too serious. 

And then I listened to Landslide and cried to that for a little bit before forcing myself to fall asleep at 2 am.

I started crying because I started thinking of my parents dying, especially my dad because he is the only family member who I feel like I can connect to. I also started thinking about aging and how my mom wanted a baby and had less expectations of me when I was a baby and toddler and honestly liked me more. As I got older even though I like the person I'm growing into, my mom definitely doesn't feel the same way and I fall short of all of her standards and she can't relate to me and I can't ever go back to the version of myself that was more easily lovable in her eyes. 

Then I caught myself getting nostalgic over a childhood i didn't really have. I remember growing up the adults around me telling me to not rush into growing up and to enjoy the simplier times where you don't have to worry about anything. And I get it now. I feel like since moving out on my own, even though I can easily afford my lifestyle, I feel like I'm hyper aware of how much everything costs and my own sense of survival financially and politically. Don't get me wrong, I was still worried about these types of things growing up since I was 11 ish but I guess the thought of supporting myself financially was this abstract idea rather than something more tangible.  I remember growing up having it drilled into me that if I don't do well in school, I won't get a good job, and if I don't get a good job, I'm going to be struggling for the rest of my life. So I was pretty anxious about things like grades, long term future plans, and what I was going to do in my life because in my elementary school logic, if I don't get a good education, I won't get into the advanced classes and stand out. And if I don't know what I want to do with my life, I wouldn't know what advanced placement classes to take which will affect my college applications and later my job prospects. Not to mention all the abuse from my parents I was subjected to growing up because there was only so much I could do to stand up for myself at 12. 

I say all this to say that when grown ups would tell me that childhood was a carefree time I would roll my eyes because of the pressure that was put on me. I wouldn't say that I'm the type to experience a lot of nostalgia because I feel like as I grow up and develop myself and get more responsibility and autonomy in my life, I find that life gets better. But while I'm more carefree now in a lot of ways, I do miss not being financially hyper aware and not understanding current events and how they can impact me. I remember growing up having the news in the background talk about various conflicts in the Middle East and everyone talking about the recession but in my 8-12 year old mind, there was a part of me that was like *well idk what's going on exactly but I'm sure the adults will take care of it and I'll be fine.* And now I'm the adult that's expected to take care of it and maintain myself. The anxiety I had about survival and maintaining myself when I was in school was for the future while the economic anxieties I have now are in the present. 

This might also have to be with the phase of self development I'm in but I miss not being as aware of baseline monetary survival in terms of my self development. I remember before so much of my self development was on things like dealing with various forms of trauma and becoming more self confident, and figuring out my values and ideals for my life. I did go through that and I put in the work in the past and I'm in a very good place in my life regarding being a well adjusted adult who makes good decisions and has their priorities straight. And I think at this point of I guess leveling up my life, so much of it has to do with making more money. My life is pretty great now and I'm content with my life but when I think of making my life better, I think of the following things: 

• Travelling more = $$
• Potentially going to grad school= $$$$$$$$$$$$$
• Transitioning into a career in journalism= $$$ (the concern of money comes from the chance that I might not be making as much as I'm making now or a livable wage. I don't have a super lavish life now but I do like having a cushion and the peace of mind of living well below my means and that's on how much I'm making now. And I don't really want to make less than I make now because I'm used to my current salary.) 
• Passive income so that I don't ever have to worry about the bills = $$$
• Having an apartment in a walkable city that I can comfortably afford = $$$$$$$$$$$
• Affording to buy a house or apartment in a decade or so = $$$$$$$$$$$
• Being able to afford a kid down the road and maybe be a stay at home parent for a couple years = $$$$$$$$$
• Having money to get a hair cut and ocassionally get a facial or mani pedi and go to fancy restaurants (I can afford this now but I feel a little weird about spending money in superflous ways given my income even though it's not that bad).= $

I also caught myself thinking about 2014-2016 a lot today. It feels crazy to think that 2014 was 10 years ago because it doesn't feel that way to me. I guess it's because sometimes I feel like a 17 year old, that is until I talk to an actual 17 year old. And I also think about how I thought shit was crazy in 2016 and things have gotten crazier since, from countless scandals from the Trump presidency that caused me to disassociate from the news and current events from 2018-2019, to a pandemic, an insurrection, me losing my bodily autonomy to get an abortion, and multiple genocides that the U.S. is complicit in. 

I remember a couple months ago asking my parents if the world has always been this crazy and I'm just old enough to understand this now. I was trying to draw a comparison from the 90s and 2000s vs everything post 2015. I was 15 in 2015 and I think that was the age when I started being more aware of my surroundings and that's when Trump started running. So it's like, is the craziness just coinciding with the age that I started becoming more aware or was it always crazy and I was just not aware of it before? And my parents were like, no, shit was more chill back then even though there was chaos, people weren't as polarized and things didn't get this bad in terms of the middle class standard of living and fascism. Speaking of which, I remember back when I was a kid that Homer Simpson was supposed to be framed a babbling idiot who was not doing great for his life. He works a dead end job in the powerplant, his neighbors have nicer things than him. But now, it's like... *damn, maybe Homer is doing good for himself. He owns his house and is able to support a family of five and takes care of his dad all from a powerplant job.* And I think this has to do with how typical milestones for a middle class life has eroded to where they seem like luxuries. Like why tf are all the affordable homes getting bought and rented out leaving us with having to buy a house for more than half a million dollars. When I think of a million dollar home, the 2000s kid imagines a palace, not a two story house with a pool. My boomer dad even notices this. 

Also, as I'm writing this down, I find myself thinking about this post I saw a while back that said "adulthood is when your mood is tied to the economy." 

I'm also thinking of this video: 

The line that's hit me is "But don't be stupid. You have responsibility, not wisdom. And that's gonna show." 

And I also think of this tiktok as well: 

I don't really know how to end this post. I hope the meeting I have set up with my financial advisor in a couple weeks goes well. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Just a couple videos I liked

[soos_mite_ah]

Additional Income 

Benefits of having an extra $2000 each month: 

• can rely on that money and it will cover all of my bills so I won't have to worry about that >> all my money from my job can go towards savings, retirement, and other financial goals 
• ease anxieties around inflation so I can keep up 
• If I move to a larger, walkable city it can cover rent and I won't have to worry about that when making decisions
• will help me deal with the pay cut i will get for the time being when pursuing my life purpose 
• will give me more stability in case of economic downturns of if something happens to my job  (won't have all of my eggs in one basket)
• will give me more options when it comes to taking time off of working (i.e. taking time off to get further education, having a child down the road etc.) 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Looking Back at Past Posts

Last night I went to my "Contents I Started" tab and I reviewed the threads I started from the time I first joined Actualized.org. This morning, I watched some YouTube videos I posted a while back on this forum that looked interesting and I reviewed some of my previous journal entries. 

First of all, I wrote a lot in those journal entries and in the threads I started. It did feel a bit overwhelming looking at those blocks of texts but it was nice in a sense because with more data, I can get a better sense of where my mind was at in terms of making sense of whatever discussion I was having. I think I am pretty well thought out in most situations, even when I was confused and figuring things out. That fact alone gives me a sense of confidence for the future. But it also makes me think about how there are so many things that I have now figured out that in the past did take a lot of mental energy to get me to where I am now. The things that I once analyzed carefully and came to my nuanced conclusions are the same things that feels so obvious to me now. And I have to thank my past self for putting in all of that work so that I can have the life and consciousness I have now. 

I also feel more greatful for my current life. This isn't like a new thought I'm having. There are many times throughout my day where I look at my job, my apartment, my life style, my friends, and my partner and think about how thankful and content I am. Even though I have only been living this way for about 6 months to a year depending on how you want to cut it, my life before feels like a bit of a distant memory because I have normalized this more healthy and slow paced life for myself. But even though it feels like a distant memory, I think my journal posts from the past make it much less distant. The stark contrast from what my life is like now to what my life used to be like when I was a student makes me feel like  I'm reading a diary from someone else, a past life even. In a way, I feel kind of detached from the state of consciousness I was in back then even though the proximity of time is relatively close if that makes sense. Because I'm mainly looking at posts from August 2021 to August 2022 and onwards. That was like 2.5 to 1.5 years ago. But I feel like life has changed so drastically for the better in a very material, tangible way. I remember at the time back in 2021/2022 feeling like I did so much inner work but feeling like I had nothing tangible in my life to show for it and how as a result I felt like I was in a hamsterwheel of self help. Like I was sitting there wondering where the fruits of my labor were. And now, I wish I could go back and say that hey, you don't have to wait too long (plus the fruits taste really good). 

I really feel like I'm in a place in my life where I'm enjoying the fruits of my emotional labor. Looking back, I did put in a lot of labor and I'm proud of myself for that and all of the sorting shit out that my past self did. I'm so happy that she brought me to where I am now. And this also gives me hope for the future that the things that I write and have an existential crisis about will one day feel very obvious rather than pressing and that I will figure things out in due time. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Reducing My Media Consumption

I had this strong urge a couple weeks back to reduce my media consumption. Various TikTok trends were getting on my nerves and I had the desperate urge to go touch some grass. I decided to vent to my friend about this for like 2 hours to get everything out of my system and then delete the app afterwards. It's been about 2.5 weeks since that happened and I didn't redownload the app. I also reduced the amount of time I spent on Instagram and Youtube as well. 

I feel a lot calmer now, not that I was anxious before, but in the sense of my mind is clearer and not as cluttered with thoughts. I feel like I'm also more present with my day to day life and I am just enjoying how quiet it is. I ended up getting into this habit of watching TikToks or listening to a YouTube video as I did things like cooking, cleaning, and sometimes working out. I stopped doing that because I am enjoying the silence and just being much more. Sometimes I do put something on and I wind up feeling like this clip and then I turn it off lol. 

Some things I do instead of scrolling endlessly are working out, going on walks, sitting outside and enjoying the fresh air, and coloring in one of those adult coloring books that I got for Christmas. And of course I cook, clean and do like little self care activities such as face masks and long hot baths. Also sometimes I just sit there and lay under my weighted blanket not doing anything other than observing my thoughts until they calm down and I'm just back to being. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I don't, it just depends on my mood. But over all, I feel great by reducing my media consumption, especially for short form content. I find that watching longer videos doesn't take me out of this calm that I have created for myself but just taking in loads of small amounts of content that I don't find myself consciouslly taking in adds to the constant chatter in my brain. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Growing Pains 

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago. 

Firstly, I think that one reason why I was feeling this sense of dread was because it was right before my period (I think I got my period the day after the second post). That's not to say that anything that I said and felt while writing this was invalid but it is to say I was probably feeling things more intensely since right before my period, I tend to get a little sad lol. I remember a couple days after my period started I stopped feeling this way. 

I will say that I do feel more like an adult after having some of these concerns come to the surface. I think it has to do with me settling into adulthood (different from settling down in general)  and feeling the weight of financial and familial responsibilities while being aware of the passage of time as it feels different from when you were a kid. I wouldn't say that the weight from the responsibilities feels too heavy or burdensome but more so that I'm aware of it, even though I'm capable of carrying it for the most part. As for the passage of time, it definitely feels different because of the way I don't get time off I did when I was a kid, how I have a "past" to look back at, how a year doesn't feel as long as it used to, and how I'm not intimidated by long term plans of life goals anymore. It has its pros and cons but I wouldn't say the transition is inherently bad or good. But I will say that it does feel a bit weird. Especially since there are people who make edits from 2016 saying "imAGinE bEInG iN HIghsCHOol fROm 2012 to 2016." Don't get me wrong, I'm not delusional enough to say that it wasn't a while back and I'm well aware that I was a freshman in highschool in 2014 10 years ago but at the same time, I don't think it's far back enough to be a vintage aesthetic to be romanticized lol. 

Idk, maybe the two existential crisis I had that I linked above is just part of the growing pains of being in the real world. I feel like it's similar to the growing pains you have when you're like 14/15 where you get angsty because you're aware of real world issues and you're realizing that the world is a shitty place even though you have half baked ideas on how things function. Except, now instead of just being aware of shitty real world issues and being affected by them to a certain extent because the smell is getting to you, you're actually in the shit this time and you're trying to navigate swimming through that lol. 

That said, while part of this is normal growing pains, I think a good chunk of this current time is also just unhinged. I'm talking about the pandemic, the plethora of economic issues, climate change, being able to view genocides from your smart phone, having the threat of fascism on the horizon, and just generally speaking having middle class people struggle to get by. I want to acknowledge this and not write this off as growing pains or angst because I remember feeling angsty about the state of the world at like 16/17 while Trump was running for office and got inaugurated. I remember thinking in the back of my mind that *oh maybe I'm just being a dramatic teenager.* But looking back at the stuff that I was writing, sure some of it was half baked (such as idealizing revolution and overthrowing the government as well as how easy it would be to just up and leave the country and get citizenship elsewhere) but a lot of it was based in legitimate concern rather than me just being a teenager. 

In conclusion, yes I am going through growing pains but also, the world is going through growing pains systemically since late stage capitalism also sucks.

[soos_mite_ah]

Being Happy vs. Being Right: Family Matters

There is a saying that goes along the lines of "sometimes in life you need to choose between being happy and being right." This is something that I have been reflecting on for the past couple weeks because I think it's applicable to two big decisions in my life. It applies to whether or not I want to take care of my mom in her old age or go no contact with her as well as my thoughts on getting plastic surgery.  I'm going to talk about the family issue for and then talk about the plastic surgery bit in a later post. 

Some thing that I have been dealing with in therapy is trying to figure out how to go about dealing with family relationships. The realtionships I have with my family is not the healthiest and on top of that, I come from a South Asian family, meaning there is also a cultural component that complicates things. I have dealt with most of my childhood trauma and I have built a good life for myself. And now that I have moved out and gained financial independence from my family, I feel like I'm in a clearer head space to contemplate this. 

I have a lot of shoulds in this situation. I feel like I should take care of my parents into their old age. I love them and I think that no matter what happens, there will always be a part of me that will yearn for that healthy relationship from them. I understand them and why they do certain things and the trauma that it stems from. I feel a deep sense of empathy when I think about their paths in life. There are a lot of ethical things I have thought about regarding hurting my parents. There is also the cultural expectation of children taking care of their parents due to South Asian culture being more collectivistic. There is a stigma against estranging yourself from your family. And especially as an only child, that responsibility feels even more real to me because it's basically expected. There is also the notion of me being too sensitive, that I should just be able to move on, that I shouldn't take some of the things they have done to me to heart. And finally, there is a sense of guilt and shame from me being ungrateful because I know people who are around my age who have lost a parent. 

Now all of this is like the quick version of the stuff I have been talking about in therapy. Much of it is crying and emotional processing about how this situation has been affecting me. But I feel like I have found a sense of direction as to where I want to go with my family relationships going forward. I don't know how I'm going to execute this and what kinds of conversations I will need to have and that is something that I'm still figuring out with a professional. 

• Keep contact with my dad: While I feel like I can't emotionally open up around my dad and as a result don't have a lot of fuzzy feelings towards him, I do generally like his company and I can have a functional relationship with him given that we have certain boundaries. 
• No contact or low contact with my mom: Unlike my dad, I feel like the boundaries aren't helpping us connect in a healtheir way. It's also really hard for me to connect to her in general and overall I'm not happy in this situation. The thought of me taking care of her into her old age freaks me out because of the way that she sabotogues family dynamics, the toll it will take on my mental health and what I've seen modeled to me by other family members who have taken a similar path. 
• incidental/ low contact with extended family: I don't feel the need to full on cut them off but I think generally speaking I don't run into them all too often because I'm half way across the world. I can deal with them in small doses. 

I figured out the piece about my mom after re-evaluating my top values. I jotted them down and did a quick evaluation on whether this value was aligned with taking care of my mom or not aligned. Then I sat with my responses and talked about it in therapy. 

1. Authenticity: not aligned
   • The thought of taking care of my mom feels very inauthentic given how I don't have a good relationship with her and that spending time with her fills me with dread. 
2. Awareness: not aligned
   • There are many facets to this. I don't feel like I have a good quality of consciousness around her given how she impacts my mental health. I feel like it's hard to be present around her. And I feel like given that I have been carefully thinking through this situation for so many years and I'm working with a professional on this that I am making conscious decisions and I'm not just like some angsty or bitter teenager because I can't let go of the past. There is a reason why I feel the way I feel. 
3. Justice/Truth: aligned
   • I don't think it's the right thing to do to cut off my mom given that she doesn't have much agency. She didn't have much of a choice on when and who to marry. She had a lot of adverse life circumstances that were out of her control. She never had a career or means of really supporting herself. And finally, she doesn't have any other family members she can really rely on. It's also fucked up to think that at the end of so many tragedies in her life that her one and only daughter will give her the final blow after years of taking care of her and raising her. It hurts me because I feel like I should be strong and suck it up because it's important to take care of family members, specifically if they are your parent. 
4. Empathy: aligned sort of (50/50)
   • On one hand there is the empathy that I have for my mom and her experiences which is why I would say that taking care of her is aligned. However, I think it's also important to have empathy for myself as well. Like I'm always trying to meet where my mom is at but I don't do the same for myself. And it's really fucked up on how my sense of empathy can backfire and often times in this dynamic, I find myself showing empathy and understanding someone who doesn't care to understand herself, much less me. 
5. Joy: not aligned
   • pretty self explanatory
6. Peace: not aligned
   • My sense of peace of mind would be greatly impacted by a decision like this. 
7. Creativity: n/a
8. Connecting with people: not aligned
   • I've had difficulties in the past with maintaining healthy friendships due to my mothers meddling. I have also seen what can happen in the event that my mom doesn't like someone's spouse. She tried to fuck up my uncle's marriage. I also don't want her to influence my child if I decide to have a kid. 
9. Learning: n/a
10. Freedom: not aligned
    • I always feel very trapped growing up due to the dynamics in my household to the point where I had really bad anxiety and depression throughout my teens and twenties to where I was suicidal at times. 

Totals:

Not aligned:  6.5 
n/a: 2 
Aligned: 1.5

 

Before the exercise, I felt like I had one side that was against this and the other for it and that they were equal in this dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs. wanting to be right. Then out of curiousity, I broke those parts down into my values and realized that this was not an equal dichotomy and that one side had more higher conscious values attached to it compared to the other. I also realized that since Justice and Truth are in the top 3 of my values that it's natural that I put a lot of weight on it. However, it's still important to consider the other values and have a checks and balances of sort. Then I realized that sometimes, when I find myself in the conflict where I feel like I have to choose between doing what's right and doing what will make me happy that odds are that this is the Justice/Truth value butting heads with all the other values that are there. And I think this is a very important realization to have when understanding how I deal with difficult decisions and internal conflict. 

I also found this video helpful after therapy. I feel like a lot of my sessions were me unravelling my shoulds until my authentic desires and motivations came up to where I could do this exercise: 

I think it was a good video for me to revist to recap and tie everything together. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Being Happy vs. Being Right: Plastic Surgery 

I started this thread a while back: 

I have been contemplating the thought of getting liposuction for a while now. I do have a relatively healthy life style both mentally and physically but my stomach has always bothered me. The rest of me is relatively lean/muscular but my stomach has a disproportionate amount of fat which I feel like throws me off on so many levels. I feel like it's a large part of the general body image issues I have.  

It also goes without saying that this isn't my first line of defense against this matter. I have tried therapy and working through the trauma I have around my body and my relationship with food. I have worked with a nutritionist to help get better nutritional advice so I won't fall into neurotic food habits and mindsets around food from the various form of diet culture that is present. I have also worked through a lot of my internalized misogyny and I have checked myself by educating myself on various topics regarding the ethics of plastic surgery and how empowering it is as well notions around fatphobia and ableism and how that can get tied to things like misogny, classism, racism, etc. I also eat healthy for the most part and I work out fairly regularly, sometimes twice a day. 

What I'm trying to say is that I have done a lot of inner work around this matter and I'm not trying to use liposuction as some kind of band aid on a bullet wound. I'm not even going to go around saying that this is something empowering because I do realize as a woman living under a patriarchy, my choices do not exist in a vacuum. But despite all this work, I'm still insecure about my stomach and how it is not flat. Sure, maybe I could diet to get a flat stomach, but historically that hasn't worked and caused me to spiral into an eating disorder and very neurotic and restrictive habits rather than snatching my waist. And even when I do lose weight, it doesn't help because I wind up looking more disproportional because the rest of me gets slimmer but my stomach. I feel like if my stomach didn't look the way it did, it would be so much easier for me to not be neurotic about my body or food because I already did the work that I explained previously. I really wish that this wasn't the case and that I can just accept myself but I have been trying for more than a decade now. I have made progress, don't get me wrong, but it's like I'm sure like 85% of my insecurities around my physical body would just disappear in a snap after liposuction. 

Which leads me to my next point. I don't see myself being the type of person who would get addicted to fixing things via going under the knife because of the thought I have put into this and because my other physical insecurities are like ants compared to this one. Also, I'm not planning on doing anything until after I turn 25 and my brain finishes developing. I posted the thread above back in 22 when I was 22 and I knew even then that my thinking may be distorted because of my university environment which felt like the thinspo side of tumblr from 2012 and when I live around my mother who has an eating disorder. Now that I graduated and I'm living by myself, I feel like I have a clearer head on this matter. This decision around liposuction isn't coming from this desperate place like it did back then. I'm in a place where I am content with my body for the most part and I have good habits around food. I just think it would be good to get the liposuction so that I don't have to think about this matter again and have it continue to bring up past issues. I will be fine if I don't get this done but I do see a lot of value that I can gain if I do get the liposuction done. I also did my research and have talked to a few professionals and I am a good candidate for this and that this is a safe proceedure since you aren't inserting anything like when you get implants or like a fat transfer, nor is it like getting a breast reduction which can compromise things like breast feeding down the line. 

I still felt a lot of resistance before coming to this conclusion. I felt like I wasn't actualized enough or that I'm not working on myself enough because I want an external solution. I felt like I was going against my values around intersectional feminism. It felt like that dynamic again about feeling like I have to choose between being happy and being right. Which brings me to the exercise I did in the previous post: 

 

1. Authenticity: aligned
   • If I'm going to be so freaking honest with myself, I really want a flat stomach regardless of how materialistic it is. I genuinely feel like I need to burn through this karma. 
2. Awareness:  aligned
   • I feel like I would be able to be more present in life if I'm not worried about my body. I feel like if I take care of this one insecurity that it will free up a lot of space in my mind. I also feel like I would be more intuned with my bodily sensations around my stomach where if my stomach is acting up or I feel bloated for whatever reason, my knee jerk reaction wouldn't be *I feel fat and I need to diet.*
3. Justice/Truth: not aligned
   • This contridicts my values around feminism, capitalism etc. 
4. Empathy: aligned 
   • I think it's important to meet myself where I'm at and deal with something that has caused so much pain in my life in a way that won't trigger me into getting an eating disorder. 
5. Joy: aligned
   • self explanatory 
6. Peace: aligned
   • Again, I feel like this would clear up my mind by a lot and that I won't be as triggered around food and exercise. I feel like I would have a lot of peace of mind if I didn't have to worry about my stomach. 
7. Creativity: aligned
   • I feel like I would be more comfortable taking more risks with fashion and self expression if I wasn't self conscious around my body. 
8. Connecting with people: aligned
   • I would be able to show up more confidently in my relationships, specifically sexually. 
9. Learning: n/a
10. Freedom: aligned
    • I would feel more free around my diet and relationship around food. I won't go into these restrictive episodes which almost always is due to how I feel about my stomach. 

Totals:

Not aligned:  8
n/a: 1
Aligned: 1

After this exercise, I felt the same way as I explained in my previous post since I found myself internally in a similar dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs right. 

54 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Before the exercise, I felt like I had one side that was against this and the other for it and that they were equal in this dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs. wanting to be right. Then out of curiousity, I broke those parts down into my values and realized that this was not an equal dichotomy and that one side had more higher conscious values attached to it compared to the other. I also realized that since Justice and Truth are in the top 3 of my values that it's natural that I put a lot of weight on it. However, it's still important to consider the other values and have a checks and balances of sort. Then I realized that sometimes, when I find myself in the conflict where I feel like I have to choose between doing what's right and doing what will make me happy that odds are that this is the Justice/Truth value butting heads with all the other values that are there. And I think this is a very important realization to have when understanding how I deal with difficult decisions and internal conflict. 

I also found this video to be very applicable to what I'm dealing with and how I feel internally. 

Edited January 26 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s-90s Edition

I wrote a post a while back about romanticizing the past, specifically the 1950s, and I am finding myself doing the same with the 70s-90s lately. 

On 9/25/2021 at 10:18 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

But what I do think is the case is the economic stability at the time. Idk man, being able to support a family of four, buy a house, afford college, and decent health care under one income is sexy. Also, the fact that you could support yourself on minimum wage, and reasonably move out at 18 yeah that's kind of hot.  Granted racism and sexism would have stopped me and I wouldn't really get the idyllic version of the 50s. But I do think we should bring the 50s back as in lets have affordable housing, health care, education and have a minimum wage people could live off of. The rest of the 50s can choke. Also, let's bring back the fun aesthetics.  This reminds me of something that I wrote about coincidentally this time last year. 

.........

Finally, I think it also has to do with how far off the 50s -70s seem. I don't really romanticize the 80s or 90s. I definitely don't romanticize the early 2000s despite it being a trend to do so (I've said it many times, the early 2000s is basically a meme in my head because I was around in that time and I'm very much aware on what kind of a train wreck that was). That time seems dark and dystopian (speaking as a person of color who sometimes gets creeped out by some of the media from back then) but also very idyllic at the same time. It's close enough to where it still feels relatable unlike the 40s and beyond (I mean, my dad was born in the 50s) but it's also far away enough to where it's not a meme. It's rustic because of how much time has passed but also ethereal because of how other worldly the time period feels. It feels very classic and in a way safe and predictable.

I think part of the reason why I tend to romanticize the 70s is because of the music at the time. I have recently found myself drawn to Fleetwood Mac and Billy Joel lately. A lot of Fleetwood Mac's music sounds dreamy to me in a relaxed, kind of contemplative way to me. Also a lot of Billy Joel's lyrics really get to me emotionally in the way that it captures the human experience. Like there are some lines here and there that really stick out to me because I find myself feeling personally attacked by it, 40+ years after the words were sung. And also like I mentioned above, the 70s still feels pretty far back to where it's easy for me to romanticize since it kinda feels like a different planet. I also made a playlist on Spotify that I just call Boomer music and it includes a lot songs from like the 70s and 80s. Also, I just got a haircut and it lowkey looks like the iconic Farrah Fawcett hairstyle. And that's if my hair isn't styled It wasn't intentional, I just got a curly cut so that my hair won't get weighed down and my natural curls would come out lol. 

I've also been enjoying the whimsigoth aesthetic which is very 70s and 90s mixed with some gothic elements. 

 

I also noticing myself doing romanticization more after deciding to be more offline and go on my touch grass journey lol. I've also been reflecting on the lonliness epidemic, the lack of third spaces, walkable cities vs car centric infrastructure, and just how hard it can be to make friends in adulthood. Another thing to note is that while I tend to romanticize the 70s, I still find myself doing the same for the 80s and 90s nowadays too, which is a notable difference from the time I was romanticizing the 50s a few years ago. I feel like a lot of it is the fact that my parents and the parents of my boyfriend were young from the 70s to 90s (as in like around our age from like 22-30) and they were living their lives, meeting people and maintaing connections organically, and were able to buy houses and start families during this time relatively easily compared to now. Also, my dad has been opening up more about his life after immigrating to the US in 1981 and life before meeting my mom in 1992. It's been nice listening to him and his lore and what life was like for a South Asian person in the US around my age (he was like 23 when he immigrated and I'm 24 now). I have talked to my boyfriend about some of these things and he told me the story of how his parents met. His parents met on a flight to Mexico and realized they were vacationing in relatively the same area. They hung out with each other's friends, went snorkling, explored the area, and in the end kept in touch and did the long distance thing for a little bit until my boyfriend's dad got a job in Texas and moved closer after buying a house. And then a couple years later they got married. This was in the mid-late 90s. My boyfriend also talked about how back in his parent's days, from like the early 80s to the 90s they had arcades and malls where you can hang out with people and have that third space. 

I also think of this song: 

 

 

Basically, I guess on my touching grass journey, I can't help but think what people did with their free time before the internet before you could space out in front of a glowing box for hours at time after work. I mean, they had TV lol but like, you get what I mean. They didn't have smart phones, social media, or YouTube. They actually had to talk to people, read a book, and have hobbies lol. I also think that the 70s takes this a bit further because some of the aesthetics that were popular during the 70s were inspired by the 1800s and what I like to call the Little House on the Prarie aesthetic. This is because a lot of shows in the 70s featured the old wild west and it was a conservative backlash that romanticized the past as a call to return to tradition as a reaction to the hippie counter culture movement in the late 60s to early 70s. And I think that this element of the 70s aesthetic and vibe really makes you think even further back where people didn't have electricity much less a phone and social media lol (because the 80s and 90s had more of a futuristic vibe from the retro 80s futurism to the Y2K aesthetic in the late 90s/ early 2000s). As a result, I think that me being drawn to the 70s aesthetic and touching grass is almost like an extention of me being drawn to the cottagecore aesthetic. 

The 90s also has an appeal because of how chill and optimistic that decade was for the US. It was after the Cold War and before the War on Terror. The economy was great. It was the end of history, a neoliberal dream. Sure back then there was a lot of cynicism (grunge anyone) from the monotony but by today's standards when it feels like we're dealing with another historical event every couple of months, the monotony of the stable cubicle job, the 30 year mortgage, and shit not really happening seems like a dream again rather than something that would induce a midlife crisis. Like I think I remember reading an article of how Millennials aren't having midlife crisis because didn't have a sense of stability and monotony in their adult lifes that they got stuck in and because they can't afford the typical midlife crisis things people do like buy expensive sports cars to feel young again. Transalation: Millennials aren't having a midlife crisis in the way that Boomers and Gen X did because their lives are an ongoing crisis from one disaster to another. 

I also think that the 90s also have an appeal because I was born in the tail end of 90s. So it's like.. I can claim the 90s, but I can't CLAIM the 90s becasue of my lack of memory as a 2 month old. I wonder what being a kid, teen, or 20 something during that time was like. And I think some of my friends who are like 3-4 years older than me can remember the 90s so it doesn't feel too far removed but also I'm around a lot of adults who were like teenagers or kids in the 90s (most of my coworkers are like 30-38 meaning they would've been between the ages of 6-14 by 2000). And again, I hear stories about people having a third place in the 90s such as malls and shit lol and I'm thristing for a third place. The 90s are also close enough for me to understand most of the references and the cultural vibes of the time but also the internet wasn't the way it is today and there is a lot of touching grass among things that are more modern compared to the 70s. I also think that it's crazy that the way that I thought of the 70s growing up in the 2000s is the way that kids these days think about the 90s since the 90s were about 30 years ago. 

I wouldn't say I have a super great view of the 80s though. A lot of it is due to Reagan and his legacy and the cluster fuck that is late stage capitalism and failed Reaganomics. I also think it's because of the college I went to where a lot of students were politically conservative and would wear Bush-Reagan '84 t-shirts everywhere. Like, culturally and politically, I felt like I was in the 80s but like, without any of the fun aesthetics. It was awful lol. But that said, I think there is a sort of naivity around capitalism and trusting the system that is cute and feel wholesome lol. Like, aww, you think you can be rich and be the next Donald Trump without that being an insult and you think that rich people are here to help you?? That's cute. I think that's why older boomers get scammed so easily because they still have that trust in people because they still have some faith because they didn't deconstruct everything and fall into cynicism. And even though that isn't conducive to today's landscape, sometimes I think about the doomer tendencies that are everywhere and contrast that to the 80s optimism.  

I feel like comparing modern movies to post modern ones explains this well: 

Also like what I said in the 50s which I think also generally applies to the 70s through 90s: 

On 9/25/2021 at 10:18 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Idk man, being able to support a family of four, buy a house, afford college, and decent health care under one income is sexy. Also, the fact that you could support yourself on minimum wage, and reasonably move out at 18..... yeah that's kind of hot.  Granted racism and sexism would have stopped me and I wouldn't really get the idyllic version of the 50s. But I do think we should bring the 50s back as in lets have affordable housing, health care, education and have a minimum wage people could live off of. The rest of the 50s can choke. Also, let's bring back the fun aesthetics.  

In addition to the above, unions are also so sooo sexy. 

Edited January 29 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

But also, the past SUCKS 

All of that said, the past also pisses me the fuck off. I feel like the place that gets me the most riled up is the film industry. I get that there were a lot of classic movies from the 80s to the 2000s but I'm so tired of seeing remakes and sequals. I feel like this is the main reason why I don't care about movies like that unless something new and interesting comes out. Like I was so excited to see Barbie and Oppenheimer and while those were pretty good, part of the initial appeal was that it wasn't yet another Marvel movie. And this goes for TV shows as well. Everytime I see a reboot, I just catch myself rolling my eyes. 

Then there are my political anxieties ranging from the threat of facism to more real things such as Roe v. Wade being overturned and Israeli forces doing cute little TikTok dances while committing a genocide. Like imagine if you woke up in 1943 and you saw a thrist trap made by a Nazi S.S. officer. And also, as much as part of me romanticized the past and am drawn to similar aesthetics, it also annoys me because we're not getting anywhere by constantly looking to the past. We're never going to go back to normal, whether that is pre-pandemic normal, pre-Donald Trump normal,  pre-Great Recession normal, or pre-9/11 normal. And nor should we because neoliberal capitalism isn't going to fix our problems. Hell, it's part of the reason why things have decended the way that they have. I understand wanting to go back to a simplier time and wanting that sense of escapism and control, I do too. Sometimes I catch myself romanticizing 2012. But the reality is, that it sucked and just because things suck even more now, doesn't mean it didn't suck before. I guess "going back to normal" has this sense of stagnancy and complacency that really gets under my skin. The reason why things are a mess now is because we had a shitty foundation in the first place. So why go back to that shitty foundation instead of actuallly addressing the problem and then moving forward. 

And also, the doomer shit is starting to piss me off because it also feeds into the complacency. I feel like gen alpha (the ipad babies) are becoming the next generation that people look down on because *kids these days.* And don't get me wrong, I think there are valid reasons to be concerned for gen alpha ranging from the education system to being raised on the internet (and sometimes quite literally). But hating on the ipad babies and thinking Skibidi Toilet is going to cause the world to end as if Charlie the Unicorn wasn't just as weird gets under my skin. Like the boomerfication of Millennials and older Gen Z annoys me as someone who basically vowed to not be a bitter old person that looks down on younger generations just because I don't get it. I'm so tired of the forced nostalgia and the whole vibe was *things were better back in my day.* I'm ready for something new and better in a way that doesn't isolate us further. It kind of goes back to the video I linked in the previous post about meta-modernism in the way that it combines the self-reflection and deconstruction of post modernism with the straight forward nature and sincerity of modernity. I also think about these two quotes: 

12:28-14:40 : "It was the neo-liberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so longer the right people are in charge. This is everything the Democrats have been promising to get us back to. Almost everyone they've run for president has promised either a continuation of or a return to Clinton-era liberalism. They even ran another Clinton. Of course the only one in 20 straight years the one to actually win was the guy who said 'maybe let's do something different.' And then he didn't. This is Biden's entire appeal. Just put the Dems in charge and things will incrementally go back to the way they were. And to Millennials, that is VERY enticing because it's what we saw growing up. It's what we were promised. We weren't sure if we wanted it but it was at least a fallbakc if our dreams of being in a ska band or making adventure games at Lucas Arts didn't pan out. And it never came. And what we've had instead has been just so so much worse.

For two straight generations, the 90s were the least things have sucked in living memory. But I think it's worth remembering that what the Democrats promised, the neo-liberal dream, did come true once. And we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it. Neo-liberalism is the romantic relationship that's always in crisis. If not a financial crisis, a health crisis, if not a health crisis, a family crisis. And you're just holding tight to each other because you're each the only solid thing in the other person's life. You are trauma bonded. And then all of a sudden things finally, finally, calm down for just a minute, just long enough for you to take a breath, step back, and get a look at yourselves. And for the first time you have room to think......*Oh no... This doesn't work. This hasn't worked for many years.* Things stay terrible so long, you almost miss when they were merely bad." 

16:40 and onwards: "Jaded sarcasm and isn't brave in 2020, it's the path of least resistance for edgy chan lords. It does not imply a deep and abiding morality. This is the new sincerity generation. Nowadays bravery is being a gender nonconforming socialist queerdo who refused to let the ugliness of the world close them off from human connection. And young people don't feel trapped by the future, because nobody believes in the future anymore. But to wrap this up with a bow, we're not getting anywhere by looking back. Progress is going to come from trying things we've never tried before." 

Edited January 29 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

My Dream Life Style 

I think I'm living pretty close to what my dream day to day lifestyle is. I have a job that I'm relatively good at and that doesn't stress me out too badly. It might not be my life purpose or passion in life but I do like the feeling of being productive, having goals to hit, and getting into a flow state here and there. I have a small studio apartment that I have decorated in a away that makes me really happy. I have comfortable clothes that suit my life style and a couple of outfits that I like wearing to express myself. I hang out with my friends a couple times a week and see my boyfriend a couple times a week. I volunteer at a school and a pet shelter. I spend time in self education even if it's just youtube video essays. I work out, listen to music and dance alone, and draw for fun. I am in therapy and I have figured out a lot of the big things in my life that have been bothering me. I know how to make my favorite meals and I don't completely dread cooking lol. I can go out to eat to the extent I want to without worrying about money and I really enjoy the food that I eat. I have a good relationship with food and eat relatively healthy without it feeling like a chore. I like curling up in my duvet covers or under my weighted blanket at night. I like burning candles and doing my little skincare routine. I love taking long or quick showers and baths especially when you get that feeling after the shower where you're shaved, exfoliated, and moisturized.

I could keep going but basically I feel relatively happy and at peace about my life on a day to day basis and I feel like I'm at a state of being a lot of the time when it comes to some of the things I listed above. However, while this is a really good life imo, I wouldn't exactly say I'm living my dreams. I still think I have a few materialistic things to burn through and lifestyle additions I want to make. 

The Small Stuff: 

Getting hair cuts 2-3x a year: I got my hair cut and I honestly feel so good about myself since whether my hair is or isn't styled. I know I feel uncomfortable spending like $150 on a hair cut since I'm used to doing it for free by myself, but I honestly think it's worth it given the style I got and given that it always looks good without me having to worry about it. I know it's not a necessity, but this has been nice. 

Taking myself out to a nice dinner like 2-3 x a year: I don't want this to be a super frequent thing since I feel like it would take away from the specialness of it all but I think every now and then I want to go to a nice place by myself without it being a special occasion.  I think spending between 50-100 wouldn't take a hit to my finances in the grand scheme of things. And as I'm thinking about this, I think for me to not be super cheap and restrictive, it would be a good idea for me to have a day to day budget that I check monthly, which I already have, but also another yearly budget/allowance for things like this. 

Going on a trip internationally or domestically: This is something that I can definitely afford but I feel like given my relationship to money, I have to consciously remind myself to prioritize it even though this is something that I genuinely enjoy and get a lot of fulfillment from. But it's like even though this is something that I care about, I think it can get hard for me to prioritize since I can get caught up in a *Save Save Save!* mindset and I don't want it to get to a point where I end up prioritizing saving a little money in terms of my life style over actually enjoying and living life and enjoying the fruits of my labor. The reason why I put this in the small stuff is because rather this being something I can't afford, it's more of a mindset thing I'm working on.  

The Big Stuff:

Living in a walkable area in a nice-ish apartment: I want to live in a place that has good public transport and is walkable. Not only do I think it's good for me in a physical health standpoint because exercise is more interwoven into your lifestyle compared to having time you need to set apart for going to the gym specifically, but also I don't like driving all that much. I also want to live in a place with more third spaces and have more opportunities to meet people organically.

But also, while I'm not super high maintenance, I don't want to live in a 100 sqft apartment in NYC with rats and roaches. My apartment currently is about 600 sqft which I feel like is perfect for me and if I were to live with a romantic partner. It also has an in unit washer and dryer and no bug problems. And I just want to be able to comfortably afford that same standard of living in a walkable city. 

Have a career that is aligned with my life purpose: I think this would also be a really good way to improve my life on a day to day basis to where I am living my dream life in addition to living in an apartment in a walkable city. While work isn't anything unbearable for me, I do feel like I'm always slightly annoyed during my working hours because deep down inside I don't care about this and I'm just counting down to the end of the day when I can go back to living my actual life. And while that isn't bad considering that I have good pay and good work life balance, I feel like addressing this sort of fragmentation would contribute to my overall happiness exponentially. 

----------------------------------------

While I have explained that in my daty to day life I'm pretty happy, I feel like I have a handful of future oriented boogey mans in the corner. I try my best to stay present and really take in everything I'm blessed with, but these are just things that are in the back of my mind that sometimes keeps me up at night. I usually try to take Eckhart Tolle's advice from the Power of Now, but sometimes I stray from that lol. The boogey mans include: 

• Affording grad school or taking a pay cut when transitioning to a career that is more aligned with my life purpose 
• Being able to afford a kid down the road and maybe be a stay at home parent for a couple years (also this is an existenatial crisis of it's own since I'm not even sure if this is something I want) 
• Affording to buy a house or apartment without panicking about the monthly payment in like a decade or so. 

I just wanted to acknowledge these concerns even though I feel like the reason why I was writing this stuff out is to think about my day to day life and what I have to be greatful for and  a few things that would materially satisfy me on the day to day. I think sometimes when I think of my phase of more materialistic self help I can get a little overwhelmed by how much shit costs without being totally mindful on the fact that I'm already living a great life that is close to my dream life and in some cases I need a few tweeks here and there. Like while I'm able to really be present and enjoy my life a good chunk of the time, it's just that given the times, I'm still nervous about what the future holds and if I can continue with the standard of living I have for myself now. 

[soos_mite_ah]

idk i thought this video was kind of funny and could be helpful for people who need to touch grass lately after getting innundated with chronically online hustle culture content lol 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Inner Teenager and Her Bad Habits 

So when I was growing up, I had this really terrible habit of never being in class. This could mean me literally skipping class or it could me just mentally not being there whether it because I was asleep or just not paying attention. And when I tell people that I used to skip class a lot, people just give me a little bit of a side eye because they don't really expect from me since it kind of seems like this rebellious thing to do. But I don't think I've ever skipped class for the rush of it or because it was some act of teenage rebellion. Often times I would skip class so that I do homework that was due in another class later that day. Sometimes I would skip so that I could sleep in the library or decompress and journal. There was also a time where I skipped an entire semester of U.S. History because I thought the class was dumb since I felt like I already learned this a thousand times and because I had better things to do like studying for the SAT. I turned in my assignments for this class in early and then continued to skip even after the vice principal caught me. And I couldn't even get into all that trouble because 1. my work was done, 2. I had a high A in the class, and 3. I was doing something productive. That's really the main thing, I never really got in trouble for skipping class or sleeping in class because my work was done and it was done right so a lot of teachers couldn't get anything to stick  on me. 

I bring up all of this because I feel like some of those tendencies still come up for me now that I'm in the working world. I still get that temptation to just skip work for the day but I can't because that has much higher stakes compared to skipping a class or two when I was 17. And as a result, I couldn't help but think where this was coming from and why I was like this. 

I think a big part of why I was skipping class growing up was because I felt like I was overwhelmed and I didn't want to admit it, especially since I wasn't super challenged academically. I dealt with a lot of anxeity and depression throughout my high school years because I was at the age where I started noticing that my home environment was  pretty toxic and that it was affecting me even though I couldn't articulate it as well at the time. That emotional overwhelm made it so that I would procrastinate on easy tasks by rotting in bed after school or on the weekends or feel like I needed time to myself instead of putting up with annoying classmates and teachers. I also didn't feel like I had a lot of control over my schedule because I had a lot of extracurriculars in my schedule and while I did like them, I felt this pressure to be as busy as possible to stand out among the applications in college. This also led to a lot of revenge bed time procrastination which would fuck with my sleep schedule which in turn would make me too exhausted in class the following day. I didn't think so at the time because overachieving and being anxious about your future was normalized in my community but I really did push myself too hard. 

Also, I think part of the shitty time management, the bed time procrastination, and the regular procrastination also was part of me being developmentally appropriate for a teenager. I think I remember seeing a study that basically said that a lot of people in their teens have trouble planning 2 or more weeks ahead for something and sticking to it because their frontal lobe hasn't finished developing. And I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me because after I hit 20/21, I was able to plan and stick to things despite always having the tools to do so growing up. I don't think this is how it manifests for everyone but it was definitely how it manifested for me. 

In recent days, as an adult, I feel like I don't have much control over my time because recently upper management has been micromanaging me. And even though the work doesn't feel like an overwhelming volume, the fact that I'm expected to be working constantly in my work day with little to no breaks and constantly pick up more work even when I'm done for the day is a lot. And yes I have noticed an uptick in my revenge bed time procrastination and  like this teenage impulse to skip work altogether for a day or two. 

Ngl, I do catch myself judging myself on this regard. But then I try to think about what this part of myself is trying to tell me. I'm not wanting to skip work because I'm somehow rebellious and irresponsible. That doesn't make sense considering I'm good at my job and that I take it seriously. Rather, I think it has to do with me being overwhelmed in some level even if it isn't the work volume itself. Like yesterday, I had some things piled up from work and I basically had a bed rot day because my mental health got the best of me. Then, after getting food with a friend, I ended up throwing it all up due to what I'm pretty sure is food poisoning. So the Sunday Scaries and the dread I was feeling for Monday was really getting to me. I sat with my thoughts and feelings for a little bit to figure out what was going on with me and figured it would be good for me to write about this the next day. Then I woke up this morning with a stomach ache and nausea and then I threw up again. So after that I decided that it would probably be best for me to not go to work. 

I let myself rot in bed until 9:30. Then I did a Target run and deep cleaned my apartment. I got lunch and now I'm journaling some thing out. I'm later gonna do some things related to my job to make sure that tomorrow runs more smoothly. But for the most part, today was a self care day. It wasn't really a cozy *lets do a bubble bath and a face mask and then watch a movie* kind of self care day nor was it a *I need to sit with my feeling and deal with that first and put my other responsibilities to the side and rot in bed* kind of self care day. It was more of a *hey I know things are piling up and you don't want to deal with it but once you deal with it, you will feel so much better going forward because while you need to feel your feelings, rotting in bed is not going to help you in this situation* kind of self care day.   

And I don't think it's fair for me to judge my teenage self or her tendencies. Sure the way she coped wasn't super healthy but to write her off as a stupid, irresponsible teenager who is a slave to her hormones is not really acknowledging what's actually causing the problem. And yes, coping like that won't set her up for success, but it's the best that 16 year old me could do at the time given the restraints she was in and the tools she had at the time. And I think acknowledging that is important for me to not only be more gentle with myself but also to work with myself rather than against myself. I took the day off as a sick day and sure I could beat myself up for not going to work, but I was still really productive in a myraid of other ways. It's just the rythms I'm on I guess lol and working with that can help in getting me to where I need to go. 

It also goes back to the whole phase "the same boiling water that hardens the egg, softens the potato" which basically means that two people can react to the same situation in very different ways because of who they are individually. I am most definitely the potato and for a long time I thought that was a bad thing. When I am faced with difficult situations, I often come out of those situations a softer, more empathetic person rather than someone who is hardened and more stoic. And for a long time, I thought the former meant that I was somehow less resilient because being more emotional, even when it comes from a place of expressing and being honest with yourself rather than only being reactive, is seen as weak and vulnerable. I've been making an effort to unlearn this and tell myself that it's okay to be a potato because potatoes still taste great lol  because I think I got the message from school and work under capitalism that the ideal worker is the one who keeps going no matter what and that is a mark of their good character, resiliance, and work ethic.

I feel like the way that college applications frame wanting an underdog and wanting students who exhibit resiliance in their person statements, even if they are trauma dumping hoping to get a scholarship or to get into college (which is dystopian in and of itself). I think it can instill this toxic mindset that success is only valid if it comes from struggle and at a cost of your well being and for me at least it made me feel like I was constantly not doing enough because there was always someone out there who is doing 10x more than you who has it 10x harder. And one of the things that I dislike about myself is that when faced with stressors and how people react with fight, flight, and freeze, I'm very much a freeze, and occasional flight person and I'm never a fight person even though that is what society rewards. And while in most cases, you aren't literally fighting someone, in a work or school setting, it can look like burying yourself in your work and taking on more than you can handle so you can numb out what is actually bothering you. This can look like a good thing under the whole underdog pardigm because it looks like you're being resilient by not letting it get between you and being more productive. But I don't think this is the healthiest way to respond and this definitely has some down sides. And on top of that, it's also not the way that I naturally respond to stress so then there is this added layer of *Why can't I function the way that everyone else seems to function. Even if it's not healthy, at least they're getting ahead/ getting things done and it looks good on the outside versus just freezing.* 

I think that's another bad habit that my inner teenager has which is to invalidate my feelings to keep going and to look like she has her life together because she is under pressure from the adults around her that keep telling her that she needs to have her life figured out by 18. I remember growing up not having vulnerability be something is looked at and thought of as good. I also feel like I encountered a lot of people in high school that thought it was a good thing that they haven't cried in years. And 17 year old me thought that cool but now that I've gone to therapy, if anyone came up to me like that, I would probably look them dead in the eyes and be like *that's not normal my guy, you should get that checked.* I think the other thing is that I would try to act tough and sometimes beat myself up for having an emotional reaction because I didn't know how to cope with those emotions and this was my way of regaining back control. I think this especially comes up for me when it comes to the emotion of grief and how there are a lot of things that can go into something like grief. And unfortunately, I haven't had much guidance on how to handle this so in an effort to grasp for control, sometimes I resort to berating myself on how I can't do anything and how I shouldn't feel the way that I do or that I should still be able to move on like nothing happened instead of being so sensitive or emotional.  

I think this time around I did a good job in not succumbing to that. I did judge myself a little bit before taking the day off work but given how well today has gone for me in not only in terms of me being productive and taking care of my life but also in terms of genuinely feeling better and reflecting, I don't regret taking this day off at all. I think it's important to note this sense of growth of me being able to handle things more affectively and be more gentle with myself. I also think about this thing I wrote when I was journalling about dealing with grief regarding the genocide in Gaze: 

On 11/24/2023 at 11:30 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

. I feel like I have become a softer, more empathetic person throughout all of this. I have shown up for my friends and my family who are being emotionally affected by this. I have learned how to be more gentle with myself and the standards that I can hold myself to. I have gained more humility in knowing that no matter how smart or well informed I or other people in my life can be, that we are not immune to propoganda. That has caused me to have more scrutiny towards my sources, my epistemology, my emotions and how it impacts my thinking process, and my ideologies. It also helped me empathize with people who fall prey to propoganda and how that can work since I feel like there was a part of me that would side eye people in the past for falling for such things. It has also helped me get clearer about my life and what I want to do, where my values lie when I have skin in the game, and how to navigate this in a more strategic way while recognizing where other people may be coming from in relation to what they can and can't do in this situation. I also feel like I've changed some of the preconceived notions I had about activism as well which is something I want to talk about more in it's own post

Edited February 5 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Ways I Gentle Parent Myself 

I know recently I've been talking about my inner teenager and I think talking about her is talking about a subset of healing your inner child (since you're still like a child when you're a teenager). But I just also wanted to reflect on things I do throughout my life to keep my inner child in check as well. Because sometimes, things come up and I can feel the inner 6 year old in me wanting to throw a tantrum or I catch myself being unreasonably harsh over something kind of dumb. 

1. If I spill something or break something, I don't get mad at myself and start self deprecating: Instead, I acknowledge that I'm annoyed and this is annoying to clean up but that there is no need to punish myself for this because the consequence that this is annoying to clean up is enough. This also goes for me forgetting my belongings somewhere or any other minor mistake like missing an exit because I wasn't paying attention to the GPS. Because, you learn from natural consequences, not through punishment. Because in the end of the day punishing yourself, whether that is being in a bad mood or getting mad at yourself is just going to leave you feeling emotionally disregulated and just in a shitty mood and most of the time, it really isn't that deep. We all make mistakes, it happens, and it isn't too hard to fix most of these things. A little annoying, sure, but it's nothing that you need to be stressed or anxious over. 

2. If there are chores I don't want to do, instead of forcing myself to do them by getting angry at myself and calling myself lazy, I usually say something like the following:

• A. You deserve to be in a clean space because it makes you feel relaxed and focused, and over all you just like your space more or, hey you need dishes to eat off of you silly goose.
• B.  I understand this is annoying to do but the natural consequence of not doing this is things piling up and becoming more intimidating to tackle and if things get really bad, your space can get unhygenic and that can get you sick or worse, it can attract bugs. And the possibility of bugs alone freaks me out and makes me want to take responsibility lol. 

3. If there is a task I really don't want to do, I set a timer to do said task for 10-15 minutes. One of the following scenarios takes place:

• A. The task doesn't take nearly as long as what I alotted my time for and I was just building the task up in my head becuase it was freaking me out for whatever reason or because I just didn't want to do it. 
• B. The task takes a little longer that the timer and I'm like, well, I'm 80% done, might as well finish it. 
• C. I'm not even half way done but I have gotten into the flow of things and I have enough inertia to keep going or to do other tasks on my to do list. 
• D. I'm not done and I don't want to continue past the alotted time. This is rarely the case but when it happens, I tell myself that I can revisit this later and do another 10 min increment or something. That way it gets done and it's not as intimidating and annoying. 

4. If I'm feeling impatient for something, I give myself an amount of time to hold still that I find achievable. For example, I might say *hey, you just need to hold on for 15 more minutes. I know it's annoying but it won't be too long and I'll be done waiting/ doing whatever I need to do in no time and I'll be back just living my life.* 

• I think this tends to help with the *ugggh* feeling of something taking forever. It feels like it's taking forever because we haven't given it a set time yet and so our mind feels stuck in this moment and forgets that we're moving closer and closer to the thing that we are waiting for. 
• I also try to reframe it by thinking about what can I do in the mean time for this alotted amount of time. For example, if I just need to hold still for 5 minutes, maybe if I really need to, I can listen to a song or if it's longer like 30 min, watch something on youtube. 
• And if that doesn't work, I just try to give myself a small carrot at the end of the stick to keep me going. Some examples include *I know it's annoying to wait in the pharmacy but once we're done, I'll get you a fun little drink* or *I know waiting in line to board a plane is annoying, but hey, once we get there, you can take a little nap and get all cozy in your flight* or *I know it's super hot/cold outside and you don't want to be walking but we need to keep walking so that we can get inside to the AC/heat. It won't be for too long but stopping because you're frustated will just keep you here and that won't be comfy. Why don't we get you a cold glass of water / a warm cup of tea once we get inside.*   

5. If I'm in a bad mood for seemingly no reason, I just ask myself if I ate enough, if I ate something nutritious, if I have been getting some movement in me, if I have taken a shower in the last couple of days, or if I have slept. If the answer is no to any of these things, I tell myself that we will take care of that first and then deal with the problem with a clearer head. 

• Most of the time this solves things but if not, I'm in a more rational state of mind to deal with things. 
• Sometimes it's worth it to see what type of shit comes up in my unconscious mind when I'm in a state like this. I don't judge myself because I know how to differentiate a state and a stage but I think it's important to see if there is any lower conscious thoughts I need to address and keep in check when I get back into my normal state of mind where I am physically taking care of myself if that makes sense.  
  • Like for example, when I'm cranky, I can get pretty self deprecating about my weight. I know this is something I'm insecure about in the back of my mind but I know that I don't get the same degree of vitritol from that self hating part of myself unless for example, I barely slept or have eaten anything. Things like "you're disgusting, no one will love you're cuz you're fat etc." are things that I have addressed previously and I feel like I can observe those thought without entertianing them or getting invested. Sure I feel this way sometimes but I know that people in my life love me even with my weight and that I'm a normal looking person and that this is just the ED taking control because my inhibitions are lowered and the filters that I keep myself in check with and keep my thoughts disciplined with have taken he back seat for whatever reason. But when there is something new that pops up like "because you're fat you look trashy and low class because there is nothing sophisticated about a fat body" then it's like *Okay, where is this coming from. What biases have you picked up recently. Let's go take care of ourselves for a moment and then address this by introspecting and thinking critically.*

6. When I feel like binging on a bunch of junk food, I tell myself the natural, immediate consequences of such a thing instead of shaming myself for eating "bad foods."

• For example, I might tell myself that I'm going to eat soon and I don't want to spoil the meal that I'm going to have soon since that's going to taste good or that *Hey I know you're hungry, but chips alone isn't going to fill you up. Let's try to add some hummus and maybe some tomatoes to the snack so that its more satisfying and balanced and so that you can have more of your other favorite foods as well. * Or sometimes its saying something like *remember the last time you had too much of X in one sitting and you got a stomach ache and felt off for the rest of the day. To what extent do you want to deal with that?* 
  • I find that this helps me enjoy things in moderation and check in with myself without fear mongering about my health or without triggering my previously negative relationship with food. 
• I also remind myself of how as an adult, I'm in charge of taking care of myself in the same way that I'm expected to take care of the little version of me. And I wouldn't want my small child version of myself feel physically and mentally off because they're eating junk constantly nor would I want them to avoid any fun foods all together. I feel like this approach of reminding myself to take care of myself is more effective than saying *well you need to take care of yourself because you don't want to let yourself go or insert other diet culture misogynistic bs here* 

There's probably more but this is what I can gather off the top of my head. 

[soos_mite_ah]

An Update on the Dread 

I wrote about the general feelings of dread I have been experiencing with 2024 like a little over a month ago. 

So yes, I did go to my financial advisor and even though we didn't go super deep into this type of work, I think I have the financial security and privilege to not worry about things for a quick minute. I say this to acknowledge my privilege in the cost of living crisis while also recognizing that I'm not exempt from the vast majority of people and that shit can certainly hit the fan and affect me too. 

I thought that after I recognized and processed my feelings of dread that they will eventually go away. And sure, it did get better, but it also evolved like a fucking pokemon. I think my dread now in February has more to do with the over all political atmosphere from the upcoming election with two senile politicians, to the cost of living crisis, to the genocide, and how shit doesn't feel like it's getting better and we're all stagnating because Congress is filled with a bunch of geriatrics who keep wanting to take things back to the neoliberal stagnation of the 90s. 

But there are some things that I think are keeping me going. 

1. I need to outlive these motherfuckers: I want to see how this shit will end. I still have this amount of hope in my heart from the belief that nothing lasts forever and eventually, the geriatrics will succumb to nature's cancel culture, death. But also, they do have access to the best health care so there is a chance that the ghouls like Mitch McConnel will for another 20 years to be 100 like Henry Kissinger did. Nevertheless, I'm hoping that doesn't happen and I also get a weird inkling that Trump is going to die while running for president again. But basically, there is a lot of politicians that I'm hoping to outlast in the hope that my interests will be better represented and this stagnation can finally get going. Also, I hope to be that funny old person that tells younger people in the future of the fuck shit that happened in my time. 

2. I'm not giving myself the luxury to be doomer: That just breeds complacency and even if I can't do much. I'm going to do what I can and help out the people who are immediate to me. I'm not going to let the fucked up shit in the world block me off from human connection. I'm not doing things in the hope of change in the immediate future, I'm doing them out of the principal that it's the right thing to do. I have detached from the outcome because of the way that the stagnation is weighing on me and because the only thing I can really control is myself, my self-education, and expanding my own empathy. 

3. I'm telling myself that I just have to hold on for another 3 years: Again, this shit is not going to last forever. I don't know how it's going to end, but it won't be like this forever. This is a mindset that also helped me during the height of the pandemic. Back in October 2020, I didn't know how long this shit was going to last. I didn't give myself the false promise that shit is going to change in 6 months to a year from then but I did tell myself that I just have to sit tight for March 2023, which was a totally arbitrary date. And you know what, even though COVID is still around, things considerably died down by March 2022.  Sometimes, the uncertainty of the future gets to us to where we think that this void is all there is and personally, I found that giving myself an arbitrary countdown to help ease that sense of uncertainty even if it was fueled by delusion on my part. The date I have chosen for myself now is November 2027. I just have to hang on until then.

I know that things are going to get worse before getting better, I just don't know how much worse and how deep this hole goes and how much more people are going to suffer in the process. I've had this feeling since 2015, back when I naively thought that a Trump presidency alone was the worst that could happen. I don't know if we're going to be at this point a year from now, 5 years from now, or 10 years from now but it feels like it's around the corner. 

4. I am thinking about the older version of myself watching me in the present from her memories: Sometimes when I feel like I'm going through a tough time, I try to imagine my 32 year old self looking back at me by remembering what I was up to at 24 with a sense of fondness and gentleness that I look at my 17 year old self in. It just gives me this sense of *hey, I have plenty of time to figure this shit out and I will eventually, and one day that things that I dealt with in the past will be a distant memory and the remanents of a past life of sorts.* Like all of this will be a nonissue at some point in the same way me looking at my 17 year old self who was having an existential crisis about choosing a major and a college or looking at 14 year old me worrying about some boy she thought she was going to marry and beating herself up for being awkward feels like a nonissue for 24 year old me in the present day. 

5. I'm trying to bring myself back to the moment: Ngl, it's hard sometimes when all of this shit is constantly around you but I basically try my best to not doom scroll and count my blessings in the present moment even if it's for something simple as eating a bowl of mac and cheese and sitting in the sun as I work. I feel like it helps me not get too in my head about what's in the future while also enjoying the present moment so that when shit hits the fan, I can assure myself that I have some form of stamina to weather the storm because I have rested and been fully present and appreciated when things were good to where I feel like I'm comfortable with the challenges are ahead of me. Like this started small. I remember once a few years ago I got a cold and my nose was stuffed up and I was thinking *wow, I wish I didn't take all the time when my nose wasn't stuffed up and I could breathe normally for granted.* And sometimes, I make myself take a deep breath and tell my self *notice how nice it is to breathe and not have your nose be all stuffed up? Let's take a moment and appreciate that,* And I found that since incorporating that practice, when I get a cold and my nose gets stuffed up, I'm not as much of a wimp about it because I'm just like *you know what, I enjoyed breathing out of my nose prior to this and I was conscious of it and I didn't take it for granted. Soon I'll be back to doing that and I'm going to continue to appreciate breathing out of my nose.* And basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to incorporate this to the rest of my life when it comes to bigger struggles than just a stuffed up nose. 

 

But yeah... I don't know how much longer this sense of dread is going to stay with me. I feel like I've been dealing with this on and off since 2015 so it's important for me to find some healthy ways of coping so I don't lose myself in this temporary circumstance.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer 

After writing the previous post, I started looking at some posts from 2.5 years ago when i was in college and dealing with doomer spirals. After reading the posts, I can say that the dread that I'm feeling is different from a doomer spiral if it isn't obvious enough given that I'm not giving myself the privilege of being a doomer and that I see some hope for things improving even if I don't know when. I guess on the surface they can feel the same but upon further introspection they aren't. I also found a couple of memes that conveys this well lol. 

Yeah, I think I'm going through a temporary gloomer phase and I typically move between that and being a bloomer.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

Edited February 12 by soos_mite_ah