Mouthful

[Preety_India]

Biographical context. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll be going on a sanyaas for the long haul. 

I'm kinda tired tbh about everything that latches on to my Empathetic energy. 

It's not good for me to remain entangled like this. 

I need to follow my two maps.. I need to sum up things, find closure from this place pretty much and then be on my way.. 

I have to say one thing though... I have grown up a lot emotionally in comparison to say who I was and how I was in the month of March here. 

Self Introspection helped me a great deal in getting clues to where I was going wrong. 

 

[Preety_India]

At this point there's a bunch of people who have an unhealthy obsession with me. I can almost sense it in the air. 

I feel like I'm being scanned head to toe. 

 

Haha.. Cool it and knock it off. 

I'm not some Mata Hari, give me a break! 

 

 

 

 

Girl, learn to be salty please. 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Current mood. 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Won't be talking much to people around here, won't even give any advice anymore (not that there's any benefit to it anyway, when it comes to disappointment, people don't have to try too hard I guess), I will be closed off for the rest of this cruel frigid year. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll only talk to few people in pm. Much better much freer. Why hadn't I thought of it earlier? 

Btw, pm is not exempt from its own set of woes. 

Some people are friendly in pm and turn into wolves later. 

 

[Preety_India]

So what I have decided is that I'll limit myself to a select few people who I'll talk to in pm. 

When I say few, it's barely there Kinda thing. 

How to be a mean bitchy kind of a woman because I always kinda have a hard time trying to be one! 

I think one can be a traditionally or conventionally good woman and yet try and have a healthy form of "mean bitchy" weapon or front just to keep emotional bllodsuckers out. 

 

[Preety_India]

It's that time of the month. 

When you feel moody, overwhelmed, bored and just like to have a perpetual resting bitch face. 

Fair enough. 

First label the hard spots and then toss them out or handle them.

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Seekers. Poets. Artists. Monks. Travelers. Learners. 

[Preety_India]

22 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

won't even give any advice anymore

Because they play victim. I'm done with that crap. #wimpyhoes.

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I won't even be in the meditation section anymore. Bad experience.. 

Bad reception. 

I was burned to the ground the moment I opened a thread there 

I felt scarred.. 

The same people who play victim are the same people who see no problem in attacking and gaslighting (ironic, yet understandable). 

I want to be like this woman, just young and free. The emotion I receive from her. 

Learn learn learn but don't be soaked in it.. Quickly gather yourself. Have that transparent slushy barrier where you can engage just to get a whiff yet disengage without much damage and stay alert and yet remain pretty much unscathed and simply surfing the waves of time. Keeping that inner sanctum as strongly guarded as you can, don't let anything get near it or it be snatched for any reason. Keep that quantum of peace well reserved and locked away. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

#therearebetterthingstodoinlife

#forumfrustration 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I feel like a loser all the time. How should I cope with this feeling? 

 

I compare myself with others and I feel like a zero. 

 

Like they have semi perfect lives whereas I'm struggling. Yea stage orange stuff. Feels like I'm in a wrong place. 

 

I feel alone, discarded and humiliated. 

 

My friends who are doing well tend to talk condescendingly so I don't talk to them. 

 

I never feel respected around people. 

 

In my past relationships I felt like being taken advantage of. 

 

I feel emotional but I'm unable to deeply explore these emotions. Like I can't place a finger on what's exactly upsetting me. 

 

Whenever I meet new people, it's usually ends up me turning into a mockery, a doormat, me being used and then promptly dumped when they're done with me. Is this because they look down on me and that's why treat me badly? 

 

I feel like people play social games and I can't keep up with that. I try to fit in but feel like I don't align or get along with all this Stage Orange Society Prestige mindset. I'm just too natural, too free spirited and too real to care about social and egoic behaviors. I like to be by myself cocooned into my own space. 

 

If I mix with people, they discuss wealth, status which I don't like. They want to show off. "I'm doing better than you" mindset. 

 

That makes me feel displaced and more like an outcast and loser.. I don't like competition and competitive people because I don't see realness in it, it feels cheap, shallow, inorganic, materialistic, un-spiritual, unloving, mean and competitive. I find it unempathetic, "VANITY FAIR," and fake. I look at such people with scorn or disgust because they are so superficial and not having the depth I have. Also I find them mean and contemptuous and condescending which makes me feel very insecure and vulnerable around them, constantly feeling like I have to prove something or compete with them to keep up. Meanwhile they get to be special. 

 

When they look at me, I feel like they're pitying me. 

 

And I absolutely hate their pitying language which feels like empty hollow empathy and just fake hospitality. It feels like behind it they are glad I'm not doing well or simply feeling better at my expense. 

 

When I confront them about how I hate superficial things like expensive vacations or shopping, they hate my guts. 

 

I feel like I have turned into a joke for them to spit at. 

 

When they talk to me I feel manipulated and taken advantage of and it feels like behind all that talk they secretly whisper -" what a dumb girl?" I feel like they absolutely lack empathy on my level and have a complete disregard for my feelings and love to talk about their petty problems when my own problems are so big and severe and their problems are more like soap opera type drama where they don't have to deal with shit. 

 

Yet I constantly feel like they take advantage of my empathy. Like even If I tell them that I have serious stuff to deal with, they come back again and coerce me into talking with them because nobody else will deal with their whining. Or they see me as a safe bet because they don't feel threatened egoically with me, as though a rich mistress is discussing her petty drama with her servant maid, that's how I get treated. And then when I talk about my problems, they immediately wrap up by showing some pity like - "oh, I'm so sorry.." like it doesn't matter that I'm having bigger problems to deal with meanwhile they are complaining about broken glass and brawls in their parties. I feel mocked and used around such people. Later they simply ignore me if I want to text or hang out. Everything is always all about them and their petty daily drama, they aren't crying tears yet they want to pretend like their whole world is collapsing in 2 minutes. Very narcissistic. They use me as their emotional tampon and their issues are so flimsy and trivial. I totally feel like a joke. Sad joke kind of way. 

 

When I ask them how their life is, they tell me it's fun and they are attending another party yet just a few days before they were whining and crying how their whole life was so miserable and awful. Which is a total lie because after all the whining they're focused on expensive self indulgence and enjoying their lives as usual. 

 

They dont share their problems with other people who are doing well, because then it suddenly turns into how their pride will be hurt if they told their problems to others on the same social status. But they have no problem being grumpy and whiny around me because in their eyes I'm someone who is lower in status and not a threat in terms of "keeping up with the Joneses" type of competition.. 

 

I'm tired of all such things. It feels like torture. 

 

How to cope around such people and how to be smart enough to identify such people and throw them out of my life for good. 

[Preety_India]

 

hour ago, unborn_chicken said:

Hey Preety. Why do you hang around people like that at all? Are you comfortable being alone?

 

I am comfortable being alone but I feel like if i had to remove such people from my life, the only option left would be to live alone. Because majority of people I meet are like this. 

 

  20 minutes ago, unborn_chicken said:

 

 

 

 

Do you develop relationships with people that can appreciate how you naturally are?

 

I am yet to find such people. 

 

  20 minutes ago, unborn_chicken said:

Also what kind of people are you comparing yourself with? Do you admire those people?

 

I don't admire them.. But they represent society. I wish society wasn't so status oriented. 

 

  20 minutes ago, unborn_chicken said:

And why a loser? In what areas of your life do you feel you're not winning?, And are you in control of winning or losing in those things?

 

 

 

Just some questions...

 

I don't earn as much as they do. They are wealthier than me. Some of these people I went to university with. But most of them are just from well to do families. I was the only one among them who came from a poor family. I always felt a sense of inferiority around them because they would talk about spending money on parties and I could not do that but it's not like I wanted it, yet in society when you are poorer than others, it obviously generates feelings of inferiority

 

 

 

On top of feeling inferior(because of poverty), and a loser, I also feel like a Sucker, because these people get to whine about their silly issues like boyfriend/girlfriend troubles and drama meanwhile I struggle with real problems and if i share those, then their reaction is a condescending pity. 

 

But they use me to release their hot mess on me, I feel suckered in, like a dumb idiot, or a fool who is being used for their purposes. 

 

I noticed that most people who ever want to have a connection with me, only do so because they need something out of me, like a slave, they want me to do favors, they want me to do this, do that, give them something like my time or resources. 

 

If I have a book, they want that book. They want something all the time. Yet they appreciate others who don't even do anything for them. On their social media pages they mention other friends who they consider valuable but not me. 

 

If there's a party I am invited to, I am never asked for a drink or appreciated, yet their friends are appreciated who are simply appreciated for who they are? But then why not me? 

 

Yet when they need something, anything at all, they don't go to the friends they so generously appreciate, instead they come to me. Why?? Because I'll help them? Or because they don't feel ashamed with me. And is that because they think I'm lower than them so they don't see me as a threat? 

 

I find these social games stupid because I demand the same level of appreciation that others get. Why should they deserve all the appreciation and me nothing? And when in times of need, i am being used as their personal assistant or doormat?? 

 

I'm supposed to act like a therapist to them and give them emotional support, advice and spend a lot of time and effort and energy on them. And what's the end result. Me being treated like a non existent entity when it comes to appreciation. 

 

Am I this bad that nobody can like me for who I am? 

 

Can I only be liked if I fulfill someone's needs? 

 

I'm such a fun person. And still people only like me if they find me useful for their work or else they turn away. 

 

I am so done feeling like a loser and a Sucker on top of it. 

 

Like i deserve respect and appreciation too. 

 

This is not like seeking validation. I'm not looking for validation. I am looking for equal treatment. For respect. 

 

So what's the reason why they don't respect me but respect and appreciate others who don't even help? 

 

Because they think I'm inferior or poor or undeserving? 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 is this because I don't know how to keep my importance? Why do I get treated like a toy or a clown? Why am I treated as less important? 

 

All I want is to be treated with the same level of respect, importance and appreciation that others are given and not be used only as a means to an end, as though I can't be appreciated for who I am. 

 

And if they can't appreciate me, why should I even continue with such people? But the problem is that majority of people are this way so in the end I'm left alone.. 

 

I don't like to play these high society ego games. Social games. I'm not materialistic like them. Nor am I flippant. 

 

I want real people who will be real with me and not treat me like an object. I want people who will love me and appreciate me for who I am, not because they need something from me. And then discard me later when their job is done 

 

 

 

 

 

What should I do so I can cut out fake people and only be surrounded by people who truly appreciate me for who I am and aren't using me in any way?

 

I don't want to end up feeling like a sucker each time. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

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