Intimacy

[Preety_India]

I think all my life this is what I had been looking for.

And I never got it 

 

[Preety_India]

Like a guy said chivalry and fake chivalry.

There is intimacy and fake intimacy.

 

[Preety_India]

This is my definition of intimacy. I wrote this letter(it contains my personal pain)  to be addressed to those who taught me what intimacy should be by their bad behaviour  and it contains details of what I think is how genuine intimacy should appear. 

Letter-

No false signals of fondness <-- very important line.

People have used this technique on me for a long time.

I fall for it because I'm emotionally weak and fragile. 

But no more. I need to be strong. 

No more false flags. They try to be sweet to me and then push me away. I have dealt with this a lot. And then suddenly talk to me the next day like nothing happened. I have a lot of people who do that. 

Why don't I just cut them out. That way there will be peace.

They try to show superiority to me. Treat me like a kid.

Show me nice side and then act rude or whatever.

Then again when I try to walk away, chase me around and show me food. I'm not a poppet.

I need to work on my self esteem and show how powerful I am.

It's like taking advantage of my softness and weakness.

Trying to be nice to me when they know I'm feeling mad. Chasing me later constantly. Putting me down at every opportunity and then acting like they are actually helping me. I'm not saying they are bad people but they want some sort of power on me, I attract them because I give them power, I become their supply, I make them feel good, but it's actually my own trauma response. I act through it. This is entirely my fault and my mistake and nobody should cry except me. I should identify this pattern and stop attracting it by not feeding it, if someone is being lousy, show them that, get up from the chair and walk away to the bedroom and shut the door and never open it. There is no need to cry but it's okay to shed a couple of tears. It's about vulnerability. Whenever I'm vulnerable this always happens, I attract the same type of people all the time, they will be nice to me, dominate me and then start taking advantage. But act like they care about me. I'm a sucker, I'm a fool. Because every time I fall for this. I need people who will uplift me and be supportive. Not like up and down,one minute nice and next minute ...party changer. Also direct. Always there like a strong person, sensitive to my needs, giving me affection and care and respect all the time, not constantly holding it back and switching it and then making me fall for it like a fool. Using my emotions to play with my heart strings. Making me Emotional all the time and then insulting me when I'm trusting. Emotional player. I will never find peace with them although they act like protector. I'll find peace with those who truly care and create trust. Trust is the word I should not forget. People who care create trust, so you don't feel confused, unusual or upset. With that trust you can always open up to them, it's not abusive intimacy. It's a strong trustworthy intimacy where you can open up to that person without fear and without ridicule and without shame, they support you as you go along.they are not being mule or passive or sucker for your affection,just being straightforward and respectful. They respect you and that's why they are honest to you and so they won't break your trust, they won't lie to you, they won't betray you. Such a person is trustworthy and is allowing intimacy to happen. So you don't risk being hurt by betrayal. They allow openness because they themselves reflect kindness and generosity and not selfishness and lack of empathy or disregard. That's how they create space for deepest intimacy to evolve.

 

[Preety_India]

9 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm happy. That's the most important thing.

 

Also this taught me a million different lessons. From intimacy to allowing room for real intimacy. Everything. I'm jumping with joy finally. The most important question to ask myself is - who can control my happiness other than me myself ? Who can stop me from being happy? And that's the key to success. The greatest wisdom. It's like people who are really rich don't go around telling people how rich they are. I can keep happiness to myself and really do what I really want without feeling I'm like chained to the bed by some devil.

Aye aye aye.

Because I'm happy...