Shifting My Story - Working With Anxiety Around School/work

[Elisabeth]

Hello, 

sorry, this ended up being long O:)

I'd like to hear some advice from you folks on how to deal with crippling anxiety around exams. It's actually funny because I'm a little old to be new to this - I've already past my Master's and entering phd.

Now, I'm really excited about starting phd. I finally get to work on real open scientific problems and it seems I'm good enough to actually contribute. I've done some work with my supervisor already which I am proud of and eager to do calculations on a new thing I'm starting now. During my studies the assignments were rarely fun and interesting enough to make me actually want to work on them each day let alone give me a sence of purpose, but open problems and collaboration with other people are. 

Trouble is, although my anxiety in general is improving, it seems my issues on the topic of studying got worse, not better over the past years and I still have a few more exams to do. I've already achieved so much (my Master's in theoretical physics was really hard), why would I be anxious? Well there is one good reason. I acnowledge I was a mediocre student at best in my field. I mostly struggled with the huge amount of stuff to learn, which didn't really give me the time or practice required to understand the subjects in-depth, and inconsistent motivation. As a result I sometimes struggle with stuff that could be considered basic. Having said all that, I know I studied to the best of my abilities at that time. 

My anxiety peaked at the time of my final exam, when instead of preparation I just spent half the time totally fear-paralyzed. I only went through about half of the stuff I passed due to sheer benevolence of the examiners. Since then, I was supposed to take one more exam, and anxiety returned enhanced by the fact that the examiner was my supervisor. I wasn't able to really start studying although the stuff was rather interesting. 

Now, the exams that are before me are in fact much easier then those I've achieved in the past. There is no reason why I should not be able to do them. I do have the background. But the mere thought of sitting down and studying with a deadline on my mind, or the thought of the volume of stuff I'm supposed to learn give me a crippeling cramp in my stomach. I've got a full blown selffulfilling prophecy going (fear of not being able to study leading to not being able to study leading to fear..., rinse repeat), and I have a real problem finding a way to turn it around, because it's so strong already. Also a part of it si, that I don't want to do these exams per se, I just have to get through them to finally do the science I want to do (exam-free!). 

I've watched my anxiety  (so many times actually) and I know there are some backstories. The fears to it of not being good or capable enough (to pass the competition in my field, to support myself financially at all, to go to work like a normal person despite my past mental helth problems) seem to be rather subsiding with both the inner work I've already done on feeling better, and the outer circumstance of finding a good spot for my phd and getting some income however small. It seems weird to me that the anxiety on this topic is staying so strong, even getting stronger. 

I want to view myself as someone, who is capable of studying whatever. I want my preparation for exams to be as effortless as my work on open problems feels. I want to take confidence in my abilities again, the type I had when I came from highschool believing that I'm good on the subject and will surely do it. 

Any tips on how to start untangling the problem? How to work with strong, specific anxiety? How to shift my story? 

[Vercingetorix]

A few things that might help:

1) when you are watching your anxiety, what do you watch exactly? because a sort of resonance can happen: you are giving attention to your anxious thoughts, and the negative thoughts create negative feelings, and those negative feelings amplify your negative thoughts etc...
So the better method to be aware is to be aware only of your negative emotion, the pain, and to focus on it, and if the attention shifts to a negative thought return it to the pain. be aware also that you are the watcher and not that pain.

2)  ask yourself the question: Is the story that I tell myself  the truth, the reality, or is it only in my head? ask honestly don't rush to the logical answer that you may know.

3) maybe the most important is to see if you are resisting something that is happening in reality and dropping that resistance.  ask yourself, am I resisting something? what am I resisting? can I drop that resistance?
notice that there can be numerous layers or resistance, maybe you see that you are anxious and you don't wanna be anxious, so you resist the anxiety.  can you drop it?
can you see that any suffering can happen only when you resist something? that's why it's super critical to always monitor yourself and when you are finding yourself resisting something, drop it, and if you can't drop don't try forcefully because it will only create more resistance. 
So basically you are accepting what is by stopping resistance to what is.
 

Edited November 28, 2016 by Vercingetorix

[Elisabeth]

Hi Vercingetorix, thank you very much for writing. 

33 minutes ago, Vercingetorix said:

1) ... So the better method to be aware is to be aware only of your negative emotion, the pain, and to focus on it, and if the attention shifts to a negative thought return it to the pain. be aware also that you are the watcher and not that pain.
 

This sounds like a great tip. I think I've been watching kinda both. I try not to add to anxiety, but it's very difficult not to engage of course. I shall try watching emotions only then. 

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2)  ask yourself the question: Is the story that I tell myself  the truth, the reality, or is it only in my head? ask honestly don't rush to the logical answer that you may know.

I always ask, but I may remember to slow down to see if my emotions follow. 

Quote

3) maybe the most important is to see if you are resisting something that is happening in reality and dropping that resistance.  ask yourself, am I resisting something? what am I resisting? can I drop that resistance?
notice that there can be numerous layers or resistance, maybe you see that you are anxious and you don't wanna be anxious, so youresist the anxiety.  can you drop it? can you see that any suffering can happen only when you resist something? that's why it's super critical to always monitor yourself and when you are finding yourself resisting something, drop it, and if you can't drop don't try forcefully because it will only create more resistance. 
So basically you are accepting what is by stopping resistance to what is.

Haha, yes, I do resist anxiety often. Although I am not entirely clear on the meaning of 'resistance'. Do you mean a thought roughly saying "I don't want this"? 

Funnily enough just before looking here I remembered the sedona method and wondered if it could be applicable, if used persistantly enough. I've tried it out a few times, but not for anything major. It's supposed to be good for dropping resistance, but (a question to anyone who has more experience) maybe it could be applied to anxiety directly? 

[Vercingetorix]

7 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

Haha, yes, I do resist anxiety often. Although I am not entirely clear on the meaning of 'resistance'. Do you mean a thought roughly saying "I don't want this"? 

Funnily enough just before looking here I remembered the sedona method and wondered if it could be applicable, if used persistantly enough. I've tried it out a few times, but not for anything major. It's supposed to be good for dropping resistance, but (a question to anyone who has more experience) maybe it could be applied to anxiety directly? 

for me it's more an emotion / physical sensation, I am resisting "in the body",usually tensions in the body, but there is also a thought.

Never tried Sedona