Social Anxiety And Codependency

[step1]

I've have social anxiety for many years now and just recently have decided that it will become my priority to get past it.  With this in mind I have been doing a lot of research and it has come to light that it is very likely I have codependency issues, which I feel are due to the relationship I have with my father.

My plan is to go and see a therapist but I have a few questions:

1. Which do I tackle first? The social anxiety or the codependency?  I hate having social anxiety but the codependency I feel affects my self esteem the most.

2. I don't want t take medication over the fear of it becoming a crutch, however I have heard that medication will make it much easier to analyse my problems and tackle the root cause..  Should I take medication if offered?

3. Has anyone here had any experience using therapists in the UK's nhs for social anxiety or codependency? If so what was your experience like?  Do they have a full understanding of these disorders?

[step1]

While I am here I may as well list all my symptoms in case anyone who is more knowledgeable on this subject can spot any other issues I may have, I am a 32 year old male btw:

 

Low self esteem and confidence

Escapism

Up until recently, a heavy drinker and moderate drug user at weekends.

People pleaser

Easily manipulated in a relationship

I lose my patience easily around people I think are lesser than me.  (I know I should not think lesser of anyone but I do sometimes)

Feelings of inadequacy especially around people of authority

Not able to be fully myself around my father, feelings of stupidity, embarrassment, and resentment around my father.

Scared of my fathers temper.  (He's never been physical with me)

Confusion surrounding my father; Am I the problem or is he the problem?

Not being sure whether I am to blame or not for things.  Not understanding boundaries especially with my father.  Every time something goes wrong for him or he is irritated i always somehow feel like i am to blame.

Not able to get close to women I am really attracted to.

Huge fear of looking stupid or making mistakes

Fear of being ugly (when I was younger I formed my identity around being good looking, and would not ever leave the house unless i could get my hair right etc, if I didn't feel like I looked good my confidence went out the window)

Huge fear of starting in a new workplace and applying for jobs

Monotone voice

Highly embarrassed about displaying my attraction to the opposite sex around my family

A private personal life that I keep separate from my father - I never let my friends around my father when I was younger and I still don't to this day.

Perfectionism

Somewhat critical of other people.

 

 

[SFRL]

@step1 the obvious in this article is your relationship with your father. At 32 you shouldn't be that dependent emotionally on your father. Do you still live at home? If so move out. 

A private personal life from your father? I don't really see the problem there. Seems pretty normal to me.

Quit the drugs and alcohol. Nothing productive comes from that. 

Get some masculine hobby's like weight lifting or martial arts.

Again your family shouldn't even mather as far as your relationships with women go. They don't even need to be involved. Only if let's say you would be in a relationship for a long time and you would start living together or get married or so. Otherwise not necesairy. 

Not really sure about the boundrys thing. Not enough information. But again your father. 

The whole looking down on 'lesser' people but being uncomfortable around 'better' people. Yeah that's a problem. But I think common in people with low self-esteem. Think arrogance vs. confidence. 

To answer questions 1: the codependency you should start with. 

Edited November 23, 2016 by STC

[step1]

31 minutes ago, STC said:

@step1 the obvious in this article is your relationship with your father. At 32 you shouldn't be that dependent emotionally on your father. Do you still live at home? If so move out. 

A private personal life from your father? I don't really see the problem there. Seems pretty normal to me.

Quit the drugs and alcohol. Nothing productive comes from that. 

Get some masculine hobby's like weight lifting or martial arts.

Again your family shouldn't even mather as far as your relationships with women go. They don't even need to be involved. Only if let's say you would be in a relationship for a long time and you would start living together or get married or so. Otherwise not necesairy. 

Not really sure about the boundrys thing. Not enough information. But again your father. 

The whole looking down on 'lesser' people but being uncomfortable around 'better' people. Yeah that's a problem. But I think common in people with low self-esteem. Think arrogance vs. confidence. 

To answer questions 1: the codependency you should start with. 

Thanks for the reply.

I lived away from my parents up until recently as I lost my job so I had to move back in with my folks.

Living away from my dad didn't solve the codependency issues.  I still felt I had to become someone or something, i.e. have a really good job to feel like an adequate person. 

On the hobbies side i've lifted weights on and off for most of my adult life, but again it doesn't solve any problems it just creates a mask.  Why should I have to do these things to feel adequate?

Drugs and alcohol have really calmed down a lot this year, maybe once a month would it happen however now i plan to stop drinking completely.

[Schulzy]

codependency

no medication unless really needed

no 

[SFRL]

14 hours ago, step1 said:

Thanks for the reply.

I lived away from my parents up until recently as I lost my job so I had to move back in with my folks.

Living away from my dad didn't solve the codependency issues.  I still felt I had to become someone or something, i.e. have a really good job to feel like an adequate person. 

On the hobbies side i've lifted weights on and off for most of my adult life, but again it doesn't solve any problems it just creates a mask.  Why should I have to do these things to feel adequate?

Drugs and alcohol have really calmed down a lot this year, maybe once a month would it happen however now i plan to stop drinking completely.

First thing is to get a job again and move out of the house again. Otherwise you can't effectively work on the codependency issues. And no change with women that way. 

Watch the video about Maslow's hierarchy of needs under foundational videos. 

[step1]

1 hour ago, STC said:

First thing is to get a job again and move out of the house again. Otherwise you can't effectively work on the codependency issues. And no change with women that way. 

Watch the video about Maslow's hierarchy of needs under foundational videos. 

OK thanks I will check them out.

 

Getting work is an issue for me. Like i said i have a huge fear of starting in a new workplace and applying for jobs.  I used to use valium to get me through the job entry process however that is no longer an option...

[SFRL]

48 minutes ago, step1 said:

OK thanks I will check them out.

 

Getting work is an issue for me. Like i said i have a huge fear of starting in a new workplace and applying for jobs.  I used to use valium to get me through the job entry process however that is no longer an option...

Ok. I think you are identifying too much with your issues. Stop nurturing them. I think there is a video on that as well, although I forgot which one. Maybe someone else knows. 

I can tell you are identifying way too much with your problems. Take your profile picture for instance pitch black and all. You choose to play this doomed person. You got to quit that. 

Edited November 24, 2016 by STC

[step1]

3 hours ago, STC said:

Ok. I think you are identifying too much with your issues. Stop nurturing them. I think there is a video on that as well, although I forgot which one. Maybe someone else knows. 

I can tell you are identifying way too much with your problems. Take your profile picture for instance pitch black and all. You choose to play this doomed person. You got to quit that. 

Not too sure what you mean...  Are you telling me to forget my problems, suck it up and get on with life? 

 

edit i will have a look for the video.  I checked the maslow stuff out.  I think i see what you are getting at there.

Edited November 24, 2016 by step1

[SFRL]

https://www.actualized.org/articles/why-am-i-depressed

Watch this one. 

[mystic]

As I have written on another topic here, I have (had) social anxiety for the last three years.

It looks like that I have overcome it. My suggestion is to do the following:

1. Don't take medication.

2. Don't visit a psychiatrist. Their job is to give medication to people (based only on what people say to them and no real diagnosis).

3. Don't take drugs never and ever again.

4. Don't drink alcohol never and ever again.

5. Visit a psychologist for support.

6. Meditate.

7. Excercise on a regular basis (try yoga, pilates, running).

8. Eat vegetables and fresh fruits.

9. Visit a holistic doctor.

10. Try probiotics (This is what I believe helped me the most!).

11. Check your B12 levels and take a supplement if needed.

12. Don't eat meat more than twice a month.

13. Don't eat eggs and dairy.

14. Don't eat sugar.

15. Don't eat fast/packed food.

I followed the above for a year and the results are amazing (I have become a vegetarian and I am a wannabe vegan actually)! What I believe is that it is ok to feel anxiety and it is okay to try to fix the excessive anxiety, but your body should be able to handle it. Treat your body well, love yourself, take care of yourself!

Never, ever give up!

Best of luck!

Edited November 25, 2016 by mystic