Insight: Meditation and especially mindfulness helps you reconnect to existence

[fopylo]

I tell you to look at your water bottle.

Now I tell you to note that it is existing.

There's a certain feel to it, like it's more real, more isness to it.

Before I started my mindfulness meditations I used to drown in my fantasies and was so disconnected from reality, from existence. Things didn't exists for me really much because literally, I wasn't here, but up in my fantasies.

I like to frame it as "connection/disconnection with existence" since this most resonated with me. When you're up in your fantasies it's like you're neither right here in the physical world, nor really up in your thoughts, since if you were really up in your thoughts you would at least note your thoughts as existing. You're somewhere in between, not really sure, here but not really here, and there but not really there. Basically you don't really feel this 'feeling' of existing and having things exist in your perception.

I've been there. And it really fucked my life hard. That's basically when I discovered the magic of mindfulness and started following Leo's work.

Even though all what I just said isn't so new to me, intuitively speaking, it is something that I just became able to put it into words and understand what was really happening.

[fopylo]

But it got me wondering - what is that state of being here but not really here? The mind is trying to resist the present existence of reality by running into some fantasy. And even the fantasies aren't really clear as it tries to run even from that! It's a never ending loop of resistance and running away. What's left then? Where are you?

[fopylo]

When you're lost in this cycle also all the content of thoughts are all over the place and it's hard to get yourself to function. Hard to get yourself to fucking FUNCTION! I'm lucky that some forces gave me some pushes to get out of this state, just a bit, so that I can function and decide  to go out and raise my consciousness to get further from this loop. The more free I am, the more free I am to pursue freedom, if this makes any sense

[Tim R]

@fopylo Some very solid and extremely foundational insight you got there, nice? 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

But it got me wondering - what is that state of being here but not really here? The mind is trying to resist the present existence of reality by running into some fantasy. And even the fantasies aren't really clear as it tries to run even from that! It's a never ending loop of resistance and running away. What's left then? Where are you?

What you're describing here is the state of consciousness of 99% of people. They are dazing in and out of awareness of their immediate reality, whether it's the physical reality surrounding them, or more subtle still, their thoughts, fantasies and beliefs. 

What comes into play at this point is focus.

This feeling of intensified "is-ness" (/being) is the result of increased focus. And focus is a "function" of awareness (I'm putting "function" in quotes because awareness actually doesn't "have" any functions, but let's keep it simple for the moment). This weird state of "not being there" is awareness without very much focus. In this state, events and things in the physical and mental world flow through awareness, but without focus, that is to say, without "particularization". And so it feels as if the world has turned into a blurry picture. As if there wasn't really anything there. But the moment you begin to focus - there it is!

[fopylo]

@Tim R

7 minutes ago, Tim R said:

but without focus, that is to say, without "particularization". And so it feels as if the world has turned into a blurry picture. As if there wasn't really anything there. But the moment you begin to focus - there it is!

Very interesting what you're saying...

So basically focus is what is gives things the "the being power"/is-ness, or like you said "particularization".

But it still leaves the question of where are you? Are you in your head or in this physical reality? It feels that the mind is trying to resist and run from both of them. Are you in the unconscious?? I mean, if I'm aware of it then I guess it isn't...Over the months and years I've been trying to capture those moments when I'm on this verging line from physical to mental, and nowadays I manage to bask in that odd state for a while. I feel like I'm nowhere, kinda trippy. But I do notice it, not always at the moment, but surely like a second afterwards in retrospect

[Tim R]

@fopylo

1 minute ago, fopylo said:

But it still leaves the question of where are you? Are you in your head or in this physical reality? Are you in the unconscious?

Well that's essentially the same question as "who are you?"

And I feel like you already know (at least in theory) what the relationship between yourself and awareness is. 

2 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I feel like I'm nowhere