Help: advice/perspective on a trauma-relationship cycle

[Matt23]

So ive had this issue and pattern ever since i was young.  I feel like whenever i feel anger to others, or disagree, or want to express something which i think is either unreasonable or would lead to conflict, i dont.  Im often too scared.  Scared of i dunno...maybe of abandonment.  Not sure.  

But basically, im just getting so triggered at work and in any socializing often that i feel i cant just express and talk through all these issues with others... and i feel like its 'too much'. 

Ive been trying to just focus on expressing these things even if i think its scary or unreasonable or would get me fired or someghing... but its super hard.

I kept some things from a girl at work, and my landlord, resentments and disagreements, and i notice that i just feel soooooo fucking awful in myslef.  My heart feels so cold and like a big weight on it.  I so fear going to work or interacting with others.  I just want to be alone.  I guess im scared theyll yell at me or something.  I dunno.  

This also might be coming from a belief that im bad.

But basically ive never felt like i could be myself nor form relationships.  Even maintaining a job is super difficult ive found.  Im 29 and haven't worked in a job longer than a few months at a time.  Though i did work for my dad in construction for years... but i hate that and felt bad there too.  Maybe that was a bit better since it was with my dad.  But these same issues keep coming up.

Examples...

I was on kitchen shift at my job.  A guy, who i feel relatively good with, came in and used some dishes to make a treat for everyone.  He said hed wash one of the disges but he didnt or forgot.  I felt angry at him ans like he should wash that dish.  Other people on kitchen shift usually do all dishes without question, and its like sort of understood that you just do them.  But i felt so like i needed to say something and angry about... but i didnt say anything since i felt people would just think im selfish and not a team player, a critique others have sort of hinted and said about me.  But i just feel like im triggered and angry so often that if i expressed it all id probably be fired.  And like, ya, just feel that its something to do with truama and where i often get stuck here.

But ya.... any thoughts or pieces of advice?  This is like a huge issue in my life.  I feel so dysfunctional here.  

Cheers. 

Edited June 11, 2021 by Matt23

[Matt23]

1 hour ago, sda said:

either learning about emotional mastery or finding a job which you are passionate about.

With the example you read above, do you think I'm being "out of line"?  I know you don't know me, and that it's also a super relative question.  I'm looking for feedback.  

I know just thinking about expressing how I feel and setting more boundaries and airing my resentments feels soooooooooooo much better and centered in myself more.  I just gotta get past the fear of people seeing me as bad and ostracizing me and/or firing me etc..  This is what feels good and awesome. 

[Mu_]

On 6/10/2021 at 9:25 PM, Matt23 said:

So ive had this issue and pattern ever since i was young.  I feel like whenever i feel anger to others, or disagree, or want to express something which i think is either unreasonable or would lead to conflict, i dont.  Im often too scared.  Scared of i dunno...maybe of abandonment.  Not sure.  

But basically, im just getting so triggered at work and in any socializing often that i feel i cant just express and talk through all these issues with others... and i feel like its 'too much'. 

Ive been trying to just focus on expressing these things even if i think its scary or unreasonable or would get me fired or someghing... but its super hard.

I kept some things from a girl at work, and my landlord, resentments and disagreements, and i notice that i just feel soooooo fucking awful in myslef.  My heart feels so cold and like a big weight on it.  I so fear going to work or interacting with others.  I just want to be alone.  I guess im scared theyll yell at me or something.  I dunno.  

This also might be coming from a belief that im bad.

But basically ive never felt like i could be myself nor form relationships.  Even maintaining a job is super difficult ive found.  Im 29 and haven't worked in a job longer than a few months at a time.  Though i did work for my dad in construction for years... but i hate that and felt bad there too.  Maybe that was a bit better since it was with my dad.  But these same issues keep coming up.

Examples...

I was on kitchen shift at my job.  A guy, who i feel relatively good with, came in and used some dishes to make a treat for everyone.  He said hed wash one of the disges but he didnt or forgot.  I felt angry at him ans like he should wash that dish.  Other people on kitchen shift usually do all dishes without question, and its like sort of understood that you just do them.  But i felt so like i needed to say something and angry about... but i didnt say anything since i felt people would just think im selfish and not a team player, a critique others have sort of hinted and said about me.  But i just feel like im triggered and angry so often that if i expressed it all id probably be fired.  And like, ya, just feel that its something to do with truama and where i often get stuck here.

But ya.... any thoughts or pieces of advice?  This is like a huge issue in my life.  I feel so dysfunctional here.  

Cheers. 

Theres a lot there to unpack and think you'd benefit from some low key therapy.  I hear good things about psychoanalysis.  Sometimes if you have insurance its free.  But some things that come to mind is...

Yes its good to express what your feeling, but not all feelings are best to express at the time, sometimes you just can't yell at your boss or co-worker because you feel like it.

Having a friend you can just be honest with can feel good to let some of this honesty out with so they can hear you and understand or point out point of views.

Doing something intense, like boxing, martial arts, running, really getting your muscles, body and mind focused on something can be good for releasing and balancing stress.

Maybe you have some trigger trauma's or issues that if you understood could help you be less triggered in general.

But test out the waters with a therapist, but not to get prescribe drugs or anything, just to get some of this out.