My voice from the grave speaks to me

[Preety_India]

In death there is peace. To live is to be in restlessness.

In death there is a beautiful peace.

Untouched by life's ruinations.

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

The whole suicide stuff in the meditation forum is bothering me 

I made this thread exactly 1 hour before that thread was made 

I couldn't have known that someone was going to post something like that 

So I felt a bit nervous when I read that thread because I was precisely going to write about death today and the topic was looming over my head since past 14 hours.

What a weird coincidence?

Unbelievable.

 

[Preety_India]

I'm actually high on the Suicide list.

Because I have battled it all my life.

I have been suicidal for half of my existence.

Yet I have survived some how .

Suicide is not easy, let me tell you .

It's a very strong urge that people don't understand.

I have written multiple times in my various journals how I have been suicidal.

Being suicidal is not a one time thing 

It stays with you for a really long time.

It's like a disease, an affliction.

However I can say that I won't commit suicide so easily. Having battled with it for so long, I have gained a tiny bit of immunity against it.

I had been kept on suicide watch at some points during teenage days in school.

If I ever feel suicidal again, which I often do, it's usually over something that is life threatening like money issues etc.

Like a few months ago I was suicidal because my mom was in the hospital and I couldn't pay the bills.

Yea that kinda stuff. Hard to deal with 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Suicide is actually hard topic for me.

Many reasons why.

One thing my cat was murdered when I was 14/15.

My dad died many years ago.

My aunt committed suicide because she genetically suffered the same problem that my dad did and she didn't have the money to deal with it 

I was suicidal at 18. That was my first experience.

My first attempt at suicide was slashing myself 2 months after my father's death.

After that the depression caused by my father's death (combined with the cat and childhood abuse from mother) threw me into a downspiral of depression, PTSD and self harm that lasted a decade until now after my father's death.

Coping is very difficult and lonely. 

So I cope with imaginary characters, friends and imaginary lovers.

My exes only made my suicidal condition worse, not better 

 

[Preety_India]

(Trigger warning)

I had also told myself that If I had to die I would have died Kurt Cobain style.

I would have blown off my head with a gun. Because that's instant and quick.

But guns aren't available in my country. They are only available in the US 

Often times I thought I would travel to US to commit suicide. That would be so easy 

Here I can't get guns and there is no bridge.

I remember in 2017, when I was suicidal, I begged my Ex Indian boyfriend to please find me a bridge.

A bridge suitable for jumping off 

I didn't find any nearby.

He told me that I'll need to travel through some cities to find an ideal bridge 

I had made multiple Google searches on trying to locate a suitable place to commit suicide that year. 

And I remember doing these searches once again in 2019 because my mom was ready to throw me out. 

I remember in the month of March this year, my sibling calling me and asking me why I didn't die sooner..that was a very sad time .

My mom especially encouraging me to commit suicide.

 

 

[Preety_India]

I always think of Kurt Cobain whenever I think of suicide.

He was born on February 20 and I was born on February 21.

We are both Pisces.

We  can go into deep dark moods when things are going wrong 

 

[Preety_India]

After reading some of the comments I'm a bit disgusted but I'll keep to myself.

 

[Preety_India]

Yes I was in a dark mood earlier.

Was listening to some cool music an hour ago to get it off my chest 

 

[Preety_India]

And there is the other problem where people dismiss you being suicidal and think it's drama and attention seeking tactic.

Should it take someone to die for you to realize that they weren't attention seeking?

Like how stupid and insensitive can some people be?

 

[Preety_India]

Are we supposed to prove to the whole world our legitimacy and keep defending ourselves to death against their projections and cognitive biases?

 

What happened to understanding someone?

 

[Preety_India]

I think one of the reasons I didn't commit suicide is because I had pledged o my dad that I would do my absolute best to live a good life.

His last words were that I should look after myself

He was always worried about me because he thought I was too naive to be to survive in this world.

 

[Preety_India]

I have realised in the past few days when I was having intense contemplations on the nature of death, I felt like death was a process of transcendence.

 

I had been thinking about acceptance.

And now the next stage after acceptance was transcendene.

Honestly nothing felt more liberating than this.

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I wonder what is the most that is going to happen even if I died ?

My family doesn't want me.

I broke up with all my lovers. There was nothing to be happy about with them.

Even this forum doesn't want me.

 

Kinda bleak.

 

[Preety_India]

I felt very very bad for whatever happened to Soonhei.

Some people just don't get it 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

People have had their entire lives
transformed in unbelievably positive ways by these teachings. This is well
documented across multiple platforms. They are reacting against this so strongly because they've been personally helped so much by what has been taught in likely most cases.
If these teachings are lost due to
misrepresentation and misunderstanding, a lot of peoples lives might suffer as a result
in the future. That's how I see it. A lot of the forum members are triggered and emotional right now We lost a positive member of our community and are also being painted in a light which is not the complete story. I'm sure you would feel like reacting strongly at some point if something of immense personal value to you was being degraded due to an unfortunate tragedy which goes directly against what has been explicitly taught or stated many times (not to harm the body and to cherish and improve ones earthly life).

 

[Preety_India]

Some of the things that I want to get off my chest.

My fight with Adeptus.

What triggered it ?

What caused it ?

 

First of all, I was in a very vulnerable emotional and wounded state at the time of talking to him.

 I had learned about the forum suicide and I was very depressed. 

I contemplated it throughout the night and didn't sleep very well.

When I woke up I saw the thread and Leo's comment on the video..

Something told me about the nature of the comment that Leo was very angry.

He immediately locked the thread just when I was commenting.

I knew something was not right. 

I had watched the Adeptus video and I was very pissed off by how claims were made that the forum members were responsible for the suicide.

 

[Preety_India]

After which I saw that Leo had opened a new thread.

In which he expressed his desire that people who don't get along or are chronic naysayers should leave.

I immediately knew something was up.

Because such a thread was never made before.

I immediately felt like the whole forum was in danger. 

What had happened?

A place that was helping people was suddenly facing a huge threat from the outside.

Obviously I knew what that threat was.

It was Adeptus video 

We on the forum give attention to people who say that they are suicidal. We tend to talk them down from suicide.

What happened this time?

Most people had zero clue that the guy Soonhei was planning to Suicide. 

It all happened so quick. 

There was no way anyone could have helped him if they didn't know he was going to do the unthinkable.

So there was a collective feeling of survivor's guilt and regret over not being able to save his life 

At the same time the grief of his death.

It was all too much 

And in this vulnerable moment, at the most horrible timing comes a video that holds the entire community responsible for the Suicide. It felt like a giant stab. 

It felt like immense exploitation of a vulnerable situation.

People who are completely innocent. Who had chats with Soonhei. Who never meant any harm. Who wanted only good for him. Suddenly having to face the reality that they were communicating with someone who was suddenly going to disappear from the planet. This must have been hard that you talk to someone happily and next day they are gone forever.

This must have been traumatizing .

And on top dealing with the blame that you contributed to his  suicide.

I saw it as double trauma.

I also felt like making a video soon after the news of the suicide broke out was very uncharitable and exploitative.

Maybe he could have waited a few days before making the video till things calmed down on the forum. 

So all of this precipitated into me being extremely triggered by the video being released at such a vulnerable point in time .

So I went to the Adeptus channel and told him that his video was pure slander.

Instead of giving a fair argument or feedback I felt gaslighted and attacked for being a forum member and calling the forum a cult.

When I said it's not a cult, things escalated quickly into a long back and forth of attacks.

Finally I left his comment section.

But yea there was sufficient ground for a trigger.

 

[Preety_India]

 

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my past lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free

 

I'm truly free

 

[Preety_India]

This whole event has taken an emotional toll on me 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to look forward to the future.