Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

I would like to have access to my animus, as Jung had access to his anima, in a controlled manner ultimately.  To connect with the energy on command, as Jung was able to.  Going in and out of state, controlled psychosis.  Bring my animus to fruition in reality by seeing the best in others and vice versa.

[Proserpina]

Active imagination - characters from psychosis

Cruel leader/shadow animus (I’ll try to keep PG rated)

• He is a ‘student’ of the integrated animus
• His love his conditional, unstable and violent
• he shuns me at the first opportunity
•  He is closed off.  Like a vampire that has had his fill (yesterday) and leaves me to lie in my own blood

The Angel/integrated animus

• I feel strength returning to my body
• my core blossoms like a flower in his presence
• I am assertive, strong, powerful and loveable
• I am untwisting.  My insides are becoming untwisted.  He is the embodiment of Being.  He is my other half.

Edited September 21, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I want to clean up my internal world so I can 'project' a clean image of my inner masculine so as to bring out the best in others.  That's a part of my ideal reality.  Not just expecting reality to be perfect but being the change you want to see,  inspiring change in others.   Seeing the ideal, vortex version in others. 

[Proserpina]

I think there is such a thing as forced/negative positivity.  You have to allow the negativity to arise, give it a voice and allow space for it.  My animus/the Self shining through would call it ‘cleaning up’.  I would do it constantly and I considered the way I dealt with my psychosis a success.  I should of been screaming, in a padded room but instead I was calm, polite and free.  The only lack of freedom was the treatment order but I needed that.  I need years to heal and process.  And if I never have another psychosis (this time controlled) again, then it wasn’t my destiny.  But I doubt it.  Everything my psychoses screamed was inevitability. 
 

How can I describe the Self….

Shone through every face

Humorous

Intelligent

All knowing

 All understanding

Had me bending over with laughter every moment

Guiding

Desiring of me

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I can see the Self without psychosis.  I don’t need psychosis, it would just be helpful. Like a psychedelic would be helpful.  But I have to learn to see without.

Edited September 21, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

about the cruel leader to summarise his nature

It began with a strong pulling sensation in my heart.  I could feel the projection’s pain and unhappiness without me.  He was distraught, depressed.  And in his depression he had become cruel.  The projection’s energy was booming from the sky.  I had an unknown energy wrapped around my form and in my consciousness.  I went to him (the projection).  Every word I spoke alleviated the energy.  Speaking the truth  alleviated the energy.  So I spoke the truth and kept speaking the truth.  It didn’t even have to be the absolute truth, it just had to be what I thought was the truth at the time, as long as I did not lie in my heart and was authentic.  At first the projection was fascinated by my sudden appearance and the easing of the energy.   He was like an ancient friend, a dangerous force, pulling on me, forcing me to connect with him.  The corresponding projections seemed hopeful.  The whole time I spoke out to ease the energy there were positive angelic projections present, helping me.

I really did feel that it was my destiny to be forced into uniting with this projection to transform him.  He was my Beast.  

Only the projection started to get out of control after I began to show weakness when he hadn’t fully transformed yet.  He stripped me of my titles and my throne (metaphor for integration) and tormented me, until there was no semblance of desire or longing or wanting remaining within the projection.  He was totally disgusted by me and wanted me dead in the most horrendous way.  There was no pull to him.  Nothing.  Only despair, as this projection took full control over my life and destroyed my self esteem. 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

On the Angel/the integrated animus and his nature

 My first psychosis what professionals have called ‘mania’. I’ve only met this projection twice (or maybe not? Not certain)

The projection was initially my spiritual teacher.  We were bonded by Beauty. I would follow him around and the projection would speak to me in his personal journal. I would use his words to grow and learn and progress on the spiritual path. The feelings I felt with this projection were otherworldly and profound.  He would repeatedly leave and I would pull him back.  We were inexplicably tied together and could not part one another. His energy was big and overwhelming, dominating.  We were constantly in communication. My feelings turned romantic suddenly when I had my first vision of us together as a couple, having sex after the projection dominated me in one of his communications one day.  The projection’s writings and communications would result in profound awakenings in me, on all levels, spiritually to sexually frequently.

 Unlike cruel leader there was no cruel or mean bone in his body.  I await to meet him again

Second encounter during second psychosis:

One of the helpful positive angelic projections present, helping and uplifting me.

This projection is epitome of divine masculine, integrated masculine. He is my teacher and twin flame.  Who I am destined to be with.  He is the mentor and future self of the shadow animus/cruel leader.  

Edited September 23, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

On the Wizard/the Self and it’s nature

 I first met the wizard during the second half of my second psychosis.  I thought everyone was Leo.  I also spoke to a being (personal God, but I was actually talking to myself) who would appear everywhere, as everyone but especially as avatars or the projected Self.  The being was very similar to my integrated animus only it was universal and everywhere, as everyone, including those beings who were cruel.  He would appear dressed up as a cruel being.  It was particularly apparent in writings.

 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The integrated animus can be dominating, that’s a part of our synergy.

I feel uncomfortable expressing overly sexual experiences on here so I deleted the second half of the above post.  The Self and integrated animus are playful and mischievous, it wasn’t a negative experience.  Even though it may seem like it on the surface.

Edited September 22, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I'm making this up as I go, as it suits me.  Reminds me of Sailor moon with a hidden protagonist

Cruel leader/shadow animus- 

Past/present animus

Student

Villainous, shadow

To be integrated

Devil

 

The Angel/ integrated animus-

Future animus

Mentor

Old woman/old man

Integrated

 

Protagonist- 

Integrating,  transforming

Constructive

Hero

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A part of integrating and being constructive is learning when to apply boundaries, as Jung did.  Jung applied boundaries by not allowing the projections and archetypes to rule his psyche.  He knew when to cease contact.  Integration is a complex process of maturing the inner and projected masculine.  They go hand in hand.  Developing the inner masculine develops the projected masculine. 

At this point projections just means anything that arises in active imagination, association and dream state.

Inner masculine knows when to say NO and be assertive which develops the outer masculine.

post

Inner masculine- orientation, beliefs, thoughts, actions, early stages of LOA

 Outer masculine - dreams, associations, active imagination, later stages of LOA

’Actual’ masculine - manifestation,  influencing reality etc.

 

 aligning inner masculine aligns outer masculine (becomes integrated) 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Connecting what I’ve written with the actual theory of the shadow (disowned aspects projected outward) :

If the inner monster is not integrated then it will be projected outward and influence reality.  You attract what you expect (project).  If you expect a monster then you will attract a monster.  

In Abraham Hicks theory - If anger is not integrated then it will be projected outward/ you will attract things at the frequency of anger. 

I find Jung’s explanation more detailed and helpful than AH’s.  But her work is the missing piece. 

My monster was the projected masculine.  It set extreme and harmful boundaries, said no easily and was disagreeable.  I did not integrate my masculine enough and so I created a projection of a monster.

According to Jordan Peterson, women struggle with developing their inner monster more than men.  The animus. Their disagreeable and assertive nature.

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All of this does not align perfectly obviously with Carl Jung or Abraham Hick’s theory.  It’s just a guide.

There is a divine marriage at work here. Ultimately culminating in an external marriage between the masculine and feminine.

Abraham Hicks misses the marriage aspect.

Carl Jung misses ‘the inner monster’ that is the masculine quality and not necessarily the shadow in the feminine.  
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The degree to which the monster is disowned determines the degree to which the projection is extreme btw.

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A codependent is naturally going to attract a narcissist as she has a lack of boundaries and integrated inner masculine.  She projects the qualities outward that she wishes she had in herself and attracts what she expects in others. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

“It is worthwhile to do right irrespective of reward and punishment and irregardless of the shortness of life”

“How can one person be the one and only expert in personal development?  It's "personal" development.  It's personal.  Unique to each individual.  This idea that there can be a one-sized-fits-all expert in this field I think runs afoul of the nature of the problem and issue itself.  And if you try to do this, don't be surprised if you receive blowback.  It's based on flawed underlying premises and intentions.  You should not/could not outsource your personal development to anyone 100%, ever.  This is the Problem of The Expert in Modernity.  In Modernity, we believe that we should have "experts" for every "area of knowledge" or "science" as it's often glossed as.   But the whole concept of privileging the generalized "expert" that lords over the subjective perspective breaks down around the edges in Postmodernity.   When you're in business to make money, you naturally gravitate toward being an expert in that area, period.  Who wouldn't or couldn't?  It seems to be an aspect of playing the money-making game!  But that could be the One Egoic Draw that will cause you to grow crooked instead of straight!  A true and devilish bias indeed!  It's like a captain going down with his ship.  That's the endgame when you're not aligned with Truth, The Good of the Whole, and your own subjective "feelings" about things (which is underrated in Modernity).  Choices matter and if you're doubling-down you could be paving the way to your success or making the argument for your demise.  The Collective preserves the Good over the long-term.  The fleeting is exciting; but over fast and not satisfying for very long, relatively speaking.  You will get crushed by the Collective as a selfish and greedy and not too smart ego in the whole scheme of things.  Everything fleeting is weathered-down over time like an imposter jagged edge eventually succumbing to the relentless battering of the sea.” - JM

Edited September 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The mentor/ angelic masculine- 

• Playful
• Easily influenced/ inclusive
• Confrontational
• Witty
• Word play
• Associations
• Focused on other
• Selfless
• Dominating/leading
• Assertive
• Present
• Compassionate
• Empathetic
• Strength
• Affectionate
• Overwhelming
• Open
• Persuasive
• Spiritual
• Philosophical
• Teacher/ mentor
• Humorous
• Beautiful

The shadow masculine-

• Charismatic
• Charming
• Selfish
• Violent
• Depressed
• Cruel
• Powerful
• Student
• Immature
• Rebelling
• Proud
• Humorous
• Curious
• Interested in growth
• Beast
• Has to learn how to love
• Popular
• A spirit (projection)
• Vampiric 
• Narcissistic
• Self loving
• Attractive

Edited September 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

To self trigger controlled safe psychosis: 

• Be social, the more social the better.  Really put yourself out there.
• Make mistakes.  Pain tends to cause psychosis.
• Meditate
• Uplift yourself in any way.  You want a positive self esteem.
• Write
• Active imagination

Psychosis feels like:

• Out of control
• Speeding 
• Jittering

Safety: 

• Face the ‘darkness’/projections head on (subtly)

Edited September 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I personally don’t believe the shadow masculine or the non integrated part of the masculine is a flaw.  It is a sign of self awareness, the unconscious becoming conscious.  It would otherwise remain unconscious and non integrated.  

Fairytales contain archetypes that I really resonated with during my ‘mystical experiences’.  Particularly Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and Snow White. 

Cinderella (first vision during second ‘psychosis’):

I was both protagonist and the Wise Old woman or the mother (fairy god mother).  I was the Protagonist in rags while outside integration and the Wise old woman/mother/protagonist transformed while integrated.  I was transforming between archetypes depending on level of integration.

Wise Old Woman was Cinderella from the future. Mentor. 
I would move in and out of integration.

Angelic projections- Prince Charming. Remained the same. 
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There were aspects already integrated within the masculine and there was evidence of that (magical objects in Beauty and the Beast, seven dwarves assisting) - angelic projections during second psychosis, Angel in first psychosis

But there still remained an aspect that remained a formidable character (Beast, Evil Queen)

Beast became out of control when I did not cease contact.  I always had the option but I didn’t take it.  Always go no contact with a narcissist.  Learn from the healthy masculine, Eva.

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When I integrated the masculine (wise old woman/mother/protagonist transformed) I interpreted it at leaning back since it is a masculine quality.  My default was the feminine, leaning forward (protagonist in rags). 

When the extreme masculine projection integrated the feminine consequently and was not so extremely monstrous I interpreted it as leaning forward since it is a feminine quality.  

I was trying to understand.

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The animus/angelic masculine tried to instruct me how to deal with his other (beastly) aspects.  But I wouldn’t listen, I wanted to explore all of him.  He would put up ‘signs’ and instructions to inform me how to handle the situation so I wouldn’t go completely insane or cause trouble or worse yet, go to the hospital (and be parted from him).  But I was swamped with negative projections and aspects and couldn’t handle him.  So now we are parted.  But he told me it was inevitable that we would be together again, that we had been down this road many times before.  I’m taking a long ‘siesta’.

The angelic masculine projection used covid instructions to help me.  Quarantine (stay away from narcissistic aspects) and wear a mask (mindfulness to stay calm, act normal). 
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I don’t think there’s a difference whether something is supernatural or a projection.  Same thing really.  Only one is more acceptable to say. 

Projection is an extra layer of reality, another sense you could say.

People with schizophrenia/schizoaffective do not lack all common sense.  Reality really does shift/become more complex for us.  If we label it projection we essentially free ourselves and have the ability to leave the psychosis, as Jung did, at will. 
.

What I’ve written is what resonates with me most on a gut level.  Although perhaps not all the projections are the animus but a large quantity of it is. 

So what happens in the end?  There are multiple possibilities.

1.  Full integration and consciousness.  Seeing the vortex version in others.  Influencing reality. Manifestation.

2.  Death or something.  Full integration resulting in an irresistible pull and marriage that swallows the whole universe. (That’s how it felt)

3.  Both.

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Haha, here I am talking about ‘prince charming’.  But dude, that was the archetype!  There’s no other way to say it.  It was like a fairy tale.  Especially that vision.  No other way to say it unless I want to lose accuracy in my journal. 

Fairytales resonate with me, always have.

Edited September 25, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Michael Caloz test mbti

INFJ

You scored 4 Ti and 0 Te.

You scored 2 Fi and 5 Fe.

You scored 3 Se and 1 Si.

You scored 6 Ni and 0 Ne.

Instinctual variant: so/sx

Edited September 25, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Balancing the inner,  balances the inner-outer (projection) which balances the outer. 

It is about alignment.  Although I like to take a more feminine-masculine balancing approach, than strictly emotional.  

When the inner and inner-outer are balanced it can feel like a divine union or harmony.  Although no gender is at play. Same for inner-outer and outer. 

Anyway, I have an imbalanced inner masculine mostly and so it impacts the balance of my inner-outer - my dreams, projections, loa, associations etc. 

My inner-outer can appear as a lover for me, although it has no gender.  I have an intimate and complex relationship with it.  
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Some of it is the projected animus. I can't escape that. 

Balancing the masculine-feminine for me = finely balancing the inner, outer and inner-outer properly. 
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How my inner-outer sounds (tapping into my gifting/‘schizophrenia’):

”We are many “

One mind, hive mind

A combining of the inner world with the outer world, easily mistaken for outer

mostly beautiful, angelic, while medicated, perfect balance of inner and outer

mixed with Animus

mixed with shadow (not much)

Speaking right at me

 creating worlds (the sounds and the white vans look like paper cut outs)

 energies all around me, mostly beautiful, some shadow

Edited September 26, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

No wonder I resonate with the fool archetype, so/sx is the jester.

 Kinda light (air type) but intense (fire/water type) energy.

“sp/so: farmer, patriot, businessman
sp/sx: pirate, sex trader, voodoo fetishist

so/sx: ‘regalia’, jester, the Mayor
so/sp: witch hunter, ethnic cleanser, culture warrior

sx/sp: shaman, ‘cutter’ (self-injurer), tattoo artist
sx/so: comet, flamenco dancer, shooting star”

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“sp = earth/matter

sx = fire/water (lighter vibrations)

so = fresh air, wind, sunlight”

.

“sp/so: the land surveyor
sp/sx: the grave digger

so/sx: the chivalrous host
so/sp: the bishop

sx/sp: the alchemist
sx/so: the chanteuse

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sx/so – The World of Devas (Gods)

so/sp – The World of Asuras (Titans)

so/sx – The World of Humans

sp/so – The World of Animals

sx/sp – The World of Pretas (Hungry Ghosts)

sp/sx – The World of Hell”

 

[Proserpina]

The inner-outer is a reflection of what I am creating.   People who brush up against it usually see it as a positive thing.  It's a positive experience for them.  It IS them.  It's the best in them.

Any negative reflections I keep strictly to myself or/and meditate away.  

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Difficult to explain how all the realms of samsara are your friends and the depth of intimacy involved.   It really is like exploring all the aspects of a singular lover.  

Edited September 27, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Obviously I need to research deeper into this, I’m making lots of mistakes but I feel like I’m on the right path now.  I have my head screwed on correctly. 

 From aliens to souls/entities to archetypes/projections.

Quote

Jung calls individuation an unconscious natural spontaneous process but also a relatively rare one, something: “only experienced by those who have gone through the wearisome but indispensable business of coming to terms with the unconscious components of the personality.”

I don’t believe hallucinations and delusions (projections) are automatically negative.  It just means your dream state and unconscious is far more a part of your waking state than other people.  Carl Jung would hallucinate and hear the voice of his anima. 

Edited September 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Quote

Individuation is a process of transformation whereby the personal and collective unconscious are brought into consciousness (e.g., by means of dreams, active imagination, or free association) to be assimilated into the whole personality. It is a completely natural process necessary for the integration of the psyche.[15] Individuation has a holistic healing effect on the person, both mentally and physically.[15]

In addition to Jung's theory of complexes, his theory of the individuation process forms conceptions of an unconscious filled with mythic images, a non-sexual libido, the general types of extraversion and introversion, the compensatory and prospective functions of dreams, and the synthetic and constructive approaches to fantasy formation and utilization.[16]

"The symbols of the individuation process . . . mark its stages like milestones, prominent among them for Jungians being the shadow, the wise old man . . . and lastly the anima in man and the animus in woman."[17] Thus, "There is often a movement from dealing with the persona at the start . . . to the ego at the second stage, to the shadow as the third stage, to the anima or animus, to the Self as the final stage. Some would interpose the Wise Old Man and the Wise Old Woman as spiritual archetypes coming before the final step of the Self."[18]

According to this, hallucinations and ‘delusions’/projections are means by which the unconscious can be brought into consciousness.  Having experienced both (mostly ‘delusions’) they are very similar to dreams, active imagination and free association.  ‘Delusions’ are like sleep walking, on the same level as hallucinating. It is the ‘inner-outer’, with a difficulty discerning between the inner and outer worlds.  Jung experienced hallucinations and used that to integrate his anima and shadow etc. 

For me, everything flowed more so together rather than as distinct separate categories.  My unconscious was a singular being with many aspects, forms and archetypes that I had an intimate relationship with.

Awakenings were the norm during my first individuation process experience.  Oneness, love, non separation.  Heart chakra awakenings.

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I’m going to call ‘psychosis’ an ‘individuation process experience’ from now on.  And delusions/projections I’m going to call inner-outer or fluid consciousness.

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The Angel - Animus, wise old man, the Self

‘God’ - Wise old man, the Self

Perfect partner in vision - Animus

Nazis in vision - the shadow, animus

Shadow leader - The shadow, animus

The smell of death, ovens, door slams, drilling, white vans etc. - the shadow

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The inner-outer (delusion/projection) means to have a fluid consciousness. Bashar says as you evolve as a Being your consciousness will become more fluid.  Only you want to be able to step out of it at will and create a defined difference, as Jung was able to.  To balance between inner, outer and inner-outer.

Join in my
Join in my child
And listen, digging through 
My old numb shadow

My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking scabs again
I'm down, digging through 
My old muscles looking for a clue

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in
I want to feel the changes coming down
I want to know what I've been hiding

In my shadow
My shadow
Change is coming through my shadow
My shadow
Shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again

Join in my
Join in my child
My shadow's 
Closer to meaning

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
Insecure delusions
I wanna feel the change consume me
Feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured in

My shadow
My shadow
Change is coming
Now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I've been clinging to
Forty six and two ahead of me

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through

See my shadow changing
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way by
Stepping through my shadow
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me
 

Edited September 28, 2022 by Proserpina