Dragon Energy

[Preety_India]

 

 

One way to cultivate Dragon Energy is to avoid the following behaviors when someone is either intentionally or unintentionally not willing to put the effort in understanding you or show you humility and compassion or not being on your plane of empathy needs, not being gentle enough with you :-

• Do not guilt yourself. 
• Do not feel put down or discouraged 
• Do not feel like you're wrong or not good enough 
• Do not fault yourself or shame yourself or feeling of lack/unworthiness 
• Do not be excessively curious about the other person's actions 
• Do not seek their validation 
• Do not go looking for a workaround. (maybe I can fix by apologizing or coddling )

Realize this ??? It's not your place, ground, obligation to look for a fix here. You're not in the wrong. That person is LACKING and not you. 

They are unable or ill equipped to handle you, in terms of compassion, empathy, understanding and this is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Even if someone is bad to you, remember that seasons always change. Nothing is fixed 

Tomorrow It's a new season. Tomorrow you meet new people as seasons roll 

(im crying right now. It's like an emotional thing. )

Those new people can bring new hopes, new friendships 

 

Yes of course betrayals hurt. 

Like a person who you trusted for a long time and they were so cool and friendly with you. 

And now they suddenly turn their backs on you and cut you off or make you the scapegoat or use your stuff against you, judge, they wanted to hear every bit of your life and personal stuff and then use it against you by judging you, hurting you, shaming you. 

That shit hurts more than anything. That sort of humiliation of trust. 

 

[Preety_India]

only focus on Leo and work

https://www.actualized.org/forum/profile/10347-preety_india/

Main forum

Table

 

One way to gauge people is to look for genuineness. 

Genuineness in word 

Genuineness in intent 

 

Not only look for people who are sweet and decent in their exterior demeanor that is in words, but also look for people who are genuine in action  

That is when a situation arises that calls for appropriate action from a person who have always been claiming that they are the helpful sincere ones, prove their merit. That's genuine in intent. 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

leaving forever 

 

there is a part in me that is super emotional.  

I'm not the gamer kind of person. I cannot sustain that. 

Either I'm there or not there. The burden is yours if you want to keep me.  I usually guilt myself when I'm rude to someone, excessively so. 

However I don't guilt myself when I'm leaving forever, you know what I mean. 

If I saw that a person is bad to me and things are left unspoken unsaid, and there was grounds for things to work out, I won't take the risk of mending things, I'm hyper sensitive in that regard, I don't want to reconcile a friendship where I might still hold some hostility regardless of how nicer the other person has become, in relation to their past behavior with me, I don't want to reach that point of closure where I  am nice to that person on top because they offered me some consolation, this creates even greater guilt in me, the guilt of being insincere, like I'm being nice to them superficially, yet holding resentment inside, this I do not want at all, if I ever have to be nice, it has to be sincere or NOTHING, which means either I'm sincere when I'm nice to you or I simply cut off completely, it's a burden on my conscience to do anything otherwise, in my mind being insincere in being nice to someone is worse than stabbing them directly in their heart, I won't play that gamble, I don't want those prizes, I don't wish to manipulate. So either I'm your friend or I'm nothing.  I won't try to fix broken things. If it's broken, I will simply consider it ill luck and move on and never ever look back. 

That's what I call "leaving forever. "

I just do not want to hurt anyone. It's not about holding resentment or grudge or being a stuck up bitch who doesn't relent at all, it's about not wanting to be in that place of confusion where I'm still not able to fully trust, and being in this place is a sort of a disservice to the other person, why be at all, whatever happened happened, it broke then it broke, things turned sour, things turned sour, I don't want keep rubbing salt into it, if it's over, its over, going back and forth only adds to the resentment, if there was something within you that you don't like about me, how hard can I keep trying to make you forget it, how much can I mend, if you just aren't willing to change it, anyhow if I tried, it would come off as manipulation, I don't want a closure where things are left unsaid and you and me still have things that both of us aren't happy about, why to put on a facade of friendliness, if I sensed that you don't like me, then I don't want you to be wishy washy about it trying to keep me in a grey area, I get it that certain things are not good either about me or you, but instead of dragging the pain and causing further insinuation, I simply choose to drop all contact and move away, far away like leaving forever  

I never come back. 

That's just not me. If I'm gone, I'm gone. It's not about me holding hate. It's not about me being full of myself.  No. No hate. It's me just not wanting to sort through the hate. Me just wanting to leave things as they are and giving peace to both for lack of better things. 

 

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

It makes a lot of sense, the way I behave. 

I'm not an extrovert. 

I'm an introvert. 

I can't confront the way extroverts do. 

If I feel something then it's just within me and being confronted on it is not the same as resolution. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

only focus on Leo and work

https://www.actualized.org/forum/profile/10347-preety_india/

Main forum

Table

 

 

One golden rule of Dragon Energy is to never inhibit your self expression even in the event of suppression or feral energies  

You express how you want to be. You win. 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Even if the past 5 days were an absolute displeasure here,  things are way better than they were in March last week.. 

I'm coming to a closure point. It's time to move on from here.. 

 

I wrote a while ago how I wanted to plan things.  How this plan was supposed to work. 

That's what I'm focused on 

I've also become much better at assessing people than before. 

In the past few days while contemplating about this forum,  i've realized such profound things that it hurts to even express those things. 

There's just nothing left to say other than the word peace... 

 

I don't exactly remember how things happened, in what order, but I ended up shedding all of that immaturity I had when I first came to this forum and that was in late 2019.. Precisely around November  

I was a bit immature with my posting throughout the first 6 months of 2020, I'd call it social immaturity and it continued that way throughout 2020.. 

It was in December 2020, that things were slowly coalescing.  

Somewhere in March last week  I began to write about acceptance. 

That created a big change in the way I  viewed things. 

I kinda grew up. I've realised that once you attain that level of maturity, you never go back to who you were before. Maturity is a one way street. 

All I needed was a mindset change, a mentality change, a perspective change, a paradigm shift. 

 

When people don't accept you for who you're, you have to let go, it is upsetting at first, especially knowing that you couldn't have done anything wrong in the world for that to happen, yet, it still leaves an unnerving feeling, but through my intense realizations, I've come to this peaceful understanding that sadness and loneliness are such beautiful things, I never knew, social conditioning means that you'll never look at sadness and loneliness as a positive state of being, you will never look at it poetically, yet, when you remove those layers of social judgement, you discover yourself and the more you discover yourself, you reach deeper truths within you that you possibly could not have known living superficially amongst people. Living for myself only for the past few weeks has taught me that sadness and loneliness, aspects of my personality that I hated and rejected, are here to be my own, they are friends, not enemies, they are truth, they are beautiful.  

I've become a changed woman. 

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes negativity,  hopelessness, sadness, loneliness and lack of acceptance radically change you as a person,  they push you in a direction that finally ends up aligning to the highest growth that you could have wanted /needed. 

Whatever occupies my time and energy right now are the things that matter most. 

Maybe that's what God would have wanted. 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

One thing that you should remember is that youre never going to get the same value for yourself that others get. 

It won't ever happen. 

Don't try to impress anyone. It will never work. Be you. 

 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I don't want too much attention drawn to whatever I write 

I don't want too much attention drawn to me period. 

I made a few changes to my profile so I don't attract attention here. 

I don't care about identity anymore. 

I used to care about it. now no more. 

I removed my profile pic and put some random picture of a green room so as to escape the anxiety of attention. 

But I generally feel uncomfortable when I don't have a specific identity. 

So maybe once in a few days I'll bring back my previous profile pictures to feel at ease again 

I enjoy my identity. But identity can easily get you into trouble. People use your identity as a person to make a caricature out of you, to target you. 

I have to tell you, surviving online is like a game of chess. You have to make every move so carefully. 

If I have kids one day , I will probably tell them to simply log off and play in the park. 

Plus you always suffer the boycott problem 

Everyone scapegoating you. Boycotting you. Ostracizing you. It can get hard very quickly when you feel ganged up on. 

Being a woman in this regard is a very fortunate thing. 

Women have this as a blessing. The Society as a whole is very sympathetic to women. Especially western society. I can't say the same thing about Indian society. 

Whenever a woman gets ganged up on, most men are very sympathetic. They want to give her a leeway. This is a double edged sword, it's both a bane and a curse. If she is truly innocent, it helps her cause and she can be freed from the dangers of being outlawed, however if she is not innocent, she can get away with a lot. This can be easily dangerous. This is what I talk about when I talk about feral energy being dangerous. This is what I mean when I say you need that Dragon energy to shut down people hell bent on destroying a system. This is what I mean when I say "females can be abusive as well" and how amd how much they can get away with, in comparison to men. 

You'll only understand this if you lost your job because of a woman making false accusations. This is where you need Dragon Energy. When Metoo movement goes out of hand, and men lose careers over silly shit, that's where you need Dragon Energy. 

Unless you're born as a woman  in India,  parts of Africa or in the Middle East,  or as a Woman of Color in a white country,   you would pretty much have a ubiquitous advantage and privilege as a woman anywhere and everywhere in the world. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Note to myself 

You have to hammer it in your head that no matter what,  you're a woman of color and so your worth and value as a woman will always be lower in the eyes of the world, thinking otherwise is living in delusion. 

Learn to accept than resist. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I changed my profile picture as a revolt against this forum. I don't care what you think about me, it's your own delusion to worry about, I take no  part in your useless assumptions about me.  I won't keep defending my character endlessly. That's not the fight I signed up for. 

 

[Preety_India]

If anything that the utterly gruelling past 5 days on the forum have taught me (with all the forum drama pushed my way ) is that people aren't worth my attention,  I should be strictly myself, say "bye " to those who don't value you enough. It's either this or that. There is no middle ground.  You can't be a soy boy(girl) while dealing with this sort of shit. You need to have grit. You have to be a  daredevil and give up all those polite platitudes and get straight to the truth. Cut the shit. 

Does this make you narcissist in the long run? Perhaps yes. Maybe there is a  certain truth when we think society creates our next mall shooter. 

I lost my temper at last. I lost my cool. A person can only take so much in the face of an outright attack on personal character and integrity. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

It's ok to just have a tiny group of friends who are faithful to you, support you and value you the way you would want to be valued. 

There is no need to feel bad if someone doesn't wish to appreciate you. It doesn't mean you're wrong or bad (although there is always a strong tendency to feel this way ), there is no need to feel upset or discarded or unwanted. I know it's easier said than done.. 

(I sometimes wonder why people even bother to visit my profile especially if you hate me ) to show me hate indirectly?

I hardly care to visit anyone's profile, especially if I don't have the best feelings/vibe for them in mind, why bother someone you dislike anyway? It's my decency code. 

And if you think that I'm your Enemy number one then you don't have to worry about me at all,  I don't give 2 cents (read it as 2 Fs ) about those I hate/dislike /or generally despise. I ain't ever coming your way to hurt you, conspire against you,  plot against you or make your life difficult in any way, that's not my policy, has never been my policy, I simply leave you to your private hell,  I got my own shit to deal with, my own worries to care about, and I focus on those who I can be helpful to in any way, or look for new bonds to forge, most of the time I'm too busy with my own shit, to even care about you or entertain your thought, unless you intentionally / unintentionally throw a stone in my direction, in which case I'm tempted to fight my battle, otherwise you just don't figure in my head, I'm not some hate monger, I just say my word, lash out a bit, bring out my angst (at least in the face of attack, I should have this much privilege that I get to say my side without my truth being denied, not fair that you get to rally your truth about me as truth meanwhile my truth gets shut down, it's nothing but slander if you feel your opponent shouldn't have the right to say their truth ).. I'll say my word and end it there, I don't like drama and dragging things on,  I just don't appreciate the whole feral energy that comes with it, I like to stay chill generally unless in the face of extreme provocation, if you judge me for fighting back, then judge every person who fights back, why just  me?

I have never gone out of my way to deal with detractors.  I just keep to myself and if there is someone I hate and they are being ganged up on,  I don't jump on the bandwagon, I don't do that kind of chimpery, this is not to mean that I am some Saint, this is just my policy. I just don't want to deal with someone I hate. I let them be them for the sake of sanity. 

 

Remember you're the biggest reason why I was never able to talk to anyone on this forum for 2 long years. Apart from my own introversion. And you're still the reason why I'm scared to talk to people. You befriended me in another account without ever telling me that it was you, hiding under another identity and then befriending me.   I never knew until a long time had passed. And when I learned about it I was shocked but I thought maybe this is what you wanted. But you're a blessing in disguise. You taught me how not to trust people too much especially when they do sneaky things. You taught me to be wary of people. 

You taught me that my soft sweet side would easily get preyed on. 

You taught me that I needed Dragon Energy. 

.. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Ok I just lost whatever I was writing because of a browser refresh and its quite annoying. 

I also forgot what I had written  

Double whammy 

 

[Preety_India]

Side note -

I hate people visiting my profile. But this is something that will happen whether I like it or not. 

Sometimes my friends visit my profile to talk to me or to signal me that they need to talk. Or if something went wrong. 

For the mean time, I can  close the tab for the profile visitors and not have to worry about pesky visits. 

Like, really??

What's so special about my profile?

If you want my content, my content is already in my signature, click that if you want to read every goddamn thing about my vagina and eat me out as you wish, if you're so damn curious about every nitty gritty about my life, I don't care, but leave my profile alone. 

There is absolutely nothing on my profile except a bunch of followers list, my face isn't plastered there, there is a background cover, my birthday being on February 21 and my location being unknown (actually known without me wanting it because of my goddamn username ). That's it. What else does someone see there?

Do you routinely come to check if I have more followers or less followers? What's the curiosity about?

Or do you plan to check my regular moods?

The only person whose profile I regularly checked was this guy Ontology because I used to talk to him and I wanted to check if he was online to talk to.. 

I still talk to him and check his profile sometimes.. 

I check a profile if I think the user is new, or out of mundane curiosity or if I'm talking to that person. 

Otherwise no need. I keep to myself. 

I'm not too curious about who's what, where, when, why etc etc etc etc 

I have enough shit on my plate to deal with 

 

[Preety_India]

Most people who regularly visit my profile hate me any way. This is no secret. 

Your attention never makes me feel better. Never did. 

I am generally suspicious about people who give me attention. It takes time for them to grow on me and for me to  finally slightly like them. 

 

I have known this for 3 years now. 

It's like what they call it -- hate following 

 

Some people follow me not for my content, but just for the curiosity of it, nothing wrong with that, and some people follow me simply to annoy me. The so called haters, meanie peeps. 

I had some old followers on here and they were good friends but they left after a while. 

Trust lesson number one - only and only trust those people who talk to you regularly. And even then don't trust them fully 

There was this this guy that I was friends with at least for a year and he unfriended me and unfollowed me because we had a conflict over a topic, he had different opinions, I am personally not the kind of person who will unfriend you simply because you have a political opinion different from mine, that is such a childish thing to do, unfriending simply because someone thinks differently,  unless it's like something where I feel a total disconnect in terms of deeper values, for example if my friend said something like sex trafficking is okay, in that case I hit a roadblock, sorry not sorry, I cannot compromise on certain things, not that people shouldn't be given a second chance, not that they can't become better people, but some things can be so extreme that I don't want to be associated with such sociopathy, I am better off without their friendship, of course they can change and approach me at a later date, I'm not so close minded to not accept them, I might want to review our friendship once again if I feel I can trust them enough. Only if I feel I can trust. My trust is a hit or miss. Either I trust you all the way, or I close off completely. 

All or nothing. 

In terms of friendship and general  cordiality, I have put extreme effort in keeping the bond from my end, I try my best to be loyal. I dont give up. I only do when I sense a threat or if I feel I'm not valued enough. So even if you were angry at me or lashed out or anything happens that is awkward, I still forgive and take you back if our bond was already strong and my trust level high enough. The main word is trust. If I trust you, I can easily forgive you for your trespasses. Even if you assault me. But if I don't trust you, nothing you do will ever measure up to me. 

 

 

 

Today's biggest lesson. Don't ever refresh the browser again. Big regret. Either take a screenshot or copy it down in some notepad. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The disinterest is mutual. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I'm not as strong as you think I'm. 

I'm tired and weary of this strong woman crap. It is not beneficial to me in any way. 

If at all, it only makes things harder for me. 

If you're saying it to encourage me or as a pat on the back, that's fine. 

Just like you shouldn't harass Leo with his  health concerns, you shouldn't harass me with the strong woman nonsense. 

Okay, I will try to explain why I get triggered by it. 

First of all it reinforces cultural stereotypes.  

The whole stereotype is that somehow black women (especially ) and other women of color are strong just because they are perceived this way. This couldn't be any further from the truth. The truth is this cultural mentality does more harm than good. 

I don't need to be some delicate angel to prove that I'm worth being cared for. 

Sometimes such thinking means that the person is exposed and consequently more vulnerable to being subjected to heinous bullying and exertion. 

The underlying message sometimes is - "you're strong, so suck it up, don't complain " and other times it translates "you don't exactly need my emotional support because I'm sure you can pull through, and it's not a big deal to you anyway."

This leaves room for more provocation and hurt. 

So does this mean that because you (falsely ) perceive me as strong, you get the right to keep hurting me?

This perception means that if a black woman cries, it's not out of pain, but more drama. If a colored woman cries, her tears are taken for granted, because sure society has already decided with certainty that either black women or other colored women somehow aren't feminine enough to experience pain or are too strong and can cope with it.. This hurts every area of life. You're trying to seek help but nobody pays attention because the general consensus is that this person doesn't need any help.. 

I've been denied help plenty of times even in my most vulnerable moments simply because I was perceived as being too brave. 

And so there were no consolatory  words offered to me. I was abruptly wrapped up, my tears and cries never mattered. 

 

In my honesty, women who call other women brave and strong, or who  try to simply imply that connotation are secretly harming by complimenting them that way. I don't see such women as favorable anymore. I don't think that they come to you in good faith. If their entire rhetoric is around "you're a strong woman so I don't think that you should cry. Or your problems are no big deal " then they are secretly trying to hurt your chances of getting help and sabotaging your womanhood. I sometimes think women who do this do it on  purpose to diss other women in polite ways. 

I'm wary of women who call me tough and strong. It automatically sends a negative response. 

To top it off, it's not even the truth, if I were ever going to give it some semblance of credibility. 

I'm not strong. I'm very mentally weak and emotionally fragile. 

At the most the things I'm good at are sex and romance, intimacy and affection and caring. 

I was never good at fighting. I never fought. That thing weakens me. 

 

Also how is it that someone's past is an automatic indicator of how much they can take?

If I say that I endured a lot of child abuse, how does this mean that I can take a lot in life?

If at all, it only means I won't be equipped to deal with a lot, as a result of my trauma, my physical and mental energy has been weakened, I've become more sensitized and vulnerable and as a result, people who speak to me, have to use their words with caution so as to not cause more harm or reinforcement of the trauma  

People who took a lot in life do not need your judgement or bullshit, if you cannot understand, the best is to leave them to their devices. 

They will eventually scramble and crawl towards the shore somehow, they are no stronger than you or anyone, it's just they aren't as privileged. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Dragon energy also means the ability to compartmentalize. 

Ive learned that in order to survive in this tough environment or culture both online and offline I'll need to learn to compartmentalize everything that I take in from my immediate environment as "supportive " and "non supportive. "