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5-D - L O V E

Regret about not pursuing/fulfilling material desires and healing

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This is a follow up to my last post on this sub forum "Ego is god" and I wanna make it clear that this is just not me playing devil's advocate (literally in this case) but that it stems from a genuine need of getting understanding on this issue, since all my current frameworks seem to be obsolete when dealing with this issue.

First thing I feel I should point out is that no one can "guess" any other person's spiritual progress, so anyone reading this post should trust in the data I'm giving as being the most precise representation of truth I can give (or atleast, as I see it from my limited point of view).

Now, the issues I'm facing seem to be very simple on a first glance, but the more I dig into them, the fuzzier and more confusing it gets.

My spiritual journey started in my teens, and reality has made it so that I can make huge leaps into the nature of God with much more ease than the average person (let's say that's I've been lucky/gifted spiritually), I've realized/derived many facets of God at a young age, which made it that I "bypass" many material desires (mainly regarding sexuality) and disgard that as being of secord or third order importance, first order importance being always given to the big existential questions/quests/truths. I was never consciously repressing that but it wasn't important.

In the last few years (with the help of psychedelics and Leo's teachings mainly) I have put my spiritual journey into overdrive, (and this where you have to take me into faith) I've come full circle many times, I've lost the count on how many dark nights I've been through, or how many ego backlashes I've dealt with, or how many facets of Truths I've came to realize (genuinly).

But for the last months I seem to be hitting a solid brick wall, a dead end I can't seem to transcend, which is this; I percieve all my past recontextualizations (the very readings that pushed me towards spirituality) as lies (which I know is a lie in of itself) but I can't help but think that my most honest desire right now is to just live from the ego, and to follow my ego's desires/wants/needs and this arose because no matter how progress I seem to make spiritually, the material aspect of life keeps lurking at me, and I feel like I'm heading AWAY from healing, put in other words, my starting motivation that "Love/Truth shall set me free" or that "Truth holds the biggest healing power" doesn't seem to work, I have healed in many ways and I'm overall thankful for my life, but I can't get over simple things, I can't deal with certain regrets and I feel like it is nourishing a tremendous amount of resentment and anger.

I don't know what to make of any of this because even though I know that God permits all things equally,  it seems to be anti climactic to me, like all this work in one direction to end up tossing it all away and desiring to head in an 180 direction.

And I know that it is ultimately a matter of integration, but I don't know how to go about this either because I've never felt free from an ego sense, I've never my agency as being "my agency" (if that makes any sense) and I know where it comes from too, I haven't been given the permission by anyone to follow who I am.

And now I feel like I have to destroy all my spiritual beliefs and values and give that permission to myself and that would be my spiritual path. (don't know how much of it makes sense but I've tried my best to articulate myself regarding this).

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