Why do I think I'm unworthy

[Preety_India]

 

This journal is going to take me into the darker parts of my self. It will be similar to shadow work in a non technical sense. 

The darker sides of my personality that I never got the opportunity to fully explore. 

But these same aspects and sides deep down were responsible for a lot of wrong decisions. 

Maybe there is something down there deep inside of me that wants to speak up. 

 

[Preety_India]

Parts of my self where I feel like I'm deeply unworthy comes from being told by my mother at the age of 8 that I wasn't deserving of being born. 

I remember very distinctly how she would casually say the meanest things to me. 

It was absolutely disgraceful.

Because growing up I internalized all her hate for me. I began to hate myself. 

Because my brain processed it as - if your own mother doesn't love you, then who will? 

I think the deep sense of unworthiness comes from that. 

 

[Preety_India]

Do i feel deep inside that I'm undeserving of love and care? 

 

 

Yes I do. Sometimes i feel I don't deserve to live

 

That the world will get nothing from me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I've decided to label these parts of my personality as 

"Decidedly Bad" 

I'm aware of the fact that these parts are bad. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I need to learn better interpersonal skills and not depend too much on light heartedness and reward tendencies 

 

I need to upgrade my people skills. 

 

To bring out my inner beauty, be with those who consider me an asset rather than a liability. 

Also be around people who actually make me feel better and not worse. 

Don't be with people who I need to ask constant validation from. Because they are trying to take away some. 

Instead be with people who already validate me, which cuts down all the fuss. 

Have few friends but really loyal ones. Or else don't bother. 

Don't miss out on people who could be potentially good people by being overly judgemental/dismissive /or defensive around them. It's an ego battle. Realize this. The ego needs to be shusshed. 

Be with people who actually show a certain liking for you. 

If you sense dislike, then it's already on a bad track. It's not going to mend. Because there are biases there no matter what you do, those biases will keep erupting disrupting the whole situation. So be careful about people who are dismissive or show general dislike.