Are you the 2nd Choice in Polyamorous Relationship?

[IAmReallyImportant]

I could never imagine to be in a polyamorous relationship, because it would feel like the partner is not fully committed and someone is the second choice.

Like the partner uses other people to have more abundance on romantic relationships and at the end someone always must be left behind in a way and this person doesn't care about it. Because it is not possible to treat everybody completely equal.

And for me it looks like there is an unequal distribution of gain like x:1 for the person who has x partners considering all other partners only have this one. In addition, it is like the polyamorous person gets most attention and all other are sheeps so to speak and just means to an end. 

What are your thoughts? Were you in such a relationship before? 

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Elevated]

I am in a casual relationship. She is my primary partner, and we're both allowed to sleep with whoever we want. We are open about when we are seeing someone though and when we have sex. If I am going to see someone I will let her know that I've made plans with someone. If we have sex I tell her about it. We don't give too many details if it makes the other uncomfortable, but if there was something especially interesting we'll share it.

We very rarely feel jealousy over one another, and when we do we're completely open about it. We don't try to hide our jealousy, but we also don't drown each other in the jealousy when we do feel it. For example, I'll just tell her, "I'm feeling a bit jealous right now." She'll apologize and I'll usually say, "don't worry, I love you and I trust you." She says it back and then we're usually good to go because we've brought those emotions into the open and honoured them together without shame. 

Polyamorous relationships are difficult when you don't honour your emotions. When I first got into them I had to deal with a lot of jealousy and feelings of inadequacy, and I probably could have done it better, but I couldn't have learned how to do it better unless I had gone through those early experiences.

When it comes to something like learning the guitar, people can understand that when you first start playing you aren't very good. They know that if you want to get better you have to play and go through the process, take your lumps, and come out the better for it. Applying that same logic to emotions doesn't come naturally to people, but it is the same. If you get into a polyamorous relationship (of whatever kind) don't be surprised when you feel jealousy, even anger. That will inevitably come up. Trying to hide it or saying, "oh I felt bad now I have to give up," is how you don't succeed. Let those emotions come up and simply sit with them, let them tell you what you're afraid of. Eventually the emotion will subside and you'll know, "oh I feel inadequate to this person, and I'm afraid that she'll leave me for them." 

This is the second part. You have to have trust. Trust that when your partner tells you that they love you, they really mean it. Be self-honest enough to say that you don't always feel like they do, but calmly remind yourself that they do. The more fearful you become the more you'll push your partner away. Over time, you'll eventually be at ease with the situation. 

In the end, learn to be okay with the possibility that they could leave you for someone else. If they do, be happy for them. It may be very difficult, but make that your goal to allow happiness to arise for them. If they loved you as much as they did and they still wanted to leave you, then that means that they've found someone really special. Or maybe they didn't and they made a big mistake, in which case you also win because you learned they weren't right for you. That's not thought in a petty or resentful way, it's simply a statement of fact. Don't hide from your hurt and resentment, and don't hide from your feelings of inadequacy. Again, honour your emotions. Realize though, that you will also be able to find someone who is just as special for you. You're on the path of self-improvement. You are becoming a better person with more to offer. You are going to find someone who is more aligned with you.

This is why learning a little pickup is essential. If you don't have confidence in your ability to find someone else you'll naturally be more needy for your current partner because you fear they're the best you can get. I'm by no means a master pickup artist, but I know that I can meet someone else and I also know that I can get better at meeting someone else because I've seen the improvement I've already made. When you're in a place of true abundance with partners it doesn't necessarily mean that you have a lot of them. It means that you trust your ability to find another partner. 

So to summarize:

1. Set clear boundaries for what you allow in the relationship. Open does not mean anything goes. It's okay to have boundaries. 
2. Be open about any emotions that you have with yourself, and learn to be okay feeling them
3. Be open about any emotions that you have with your partner, and do not shame each other when you feel them. Touch in with one another and honour the other's emotions
4. Trust that your partner honestly loves you. This is a choice that you'll have to make many times before it sinks in. Don't expect it to just happen passively. 
5. Realize that if they do leave you, it is likely that they found someone they align with better. Choose to be happy for them. This is especially true if they are also into self-improvement because then it is less likely that they made the wrong choice. 
6. Focus on improving yourself. Become a better person and create more value to offer the world. That is how you ensure that you remain a high quality partner. 
7. Learn dating skills. Be confident in your ability to find someone else, and you'll be less needy for your partner's attention. You can ALWAYS find someone better in some ways than your previous partner (and probably some worse, you'll never find a truly perfect partner). 

I hope that helps. 

 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Elevated

[intotheblack]

True polyamory in this day and age is very difficult to achieve.  And this day and age people use so called polyamory as a way to avoid intimacy in relationships.
True polyamory is being able to have intimacy with more than one person.  Today, people cannot manage intimacy with 1 person let alone many.  Or open relationships where the partners know they are sleeping with another person, but don’t want to know details about it because this would cause discomfort or jealousy.  All details are kept private in order to not hurt the other.  

True polyamory will only work when society as a whole stops basing their self worth upon other people.  

So yes, poly relationships today will cause a lot of drama, and many people will feel hurt, jealous or not good enough.   If there is only sex without intimacy the women will begin to feel unloved.  Not Having the ability to be truly intimate with many women will of course, cause a lot of stress and drama on the mans behalf, and unfulfillment for the woman. 

It has to come from a place where all participating members feel whole and feel able to share love and intimacy with one another.. the man needs to play the part of fulfilling the intimate needs of many women at a time. 

If you were born and didn’t have any childhood traumas or societal programming you would naturally love everyone and your self worth wouldn’t be based on others, and all people would be fully open to intimacy. 

We are a very long way from this.

Edited March 25, 2021 by intotheblack

[Elevated]

@intotheblack I do think there is a biological monogamy drive to some extent, more so in some and less so in others. Personally I would rather be in a monogamous relationship if I have children just because I wouldn't have time to give myself fully to my children, my work, and all my partners. I also am young and wanting to have fun with people so the desire for a casual relationship will probably dull with age as well. 

[IAmReallyImportant]

@Elevated Thanks for taking the time for such a detailed advice! And I really meant polyamorous relationships not open ones. Open relationships are also interesting, because then certain additional questions do arise

• If you feel bad at the beginning, isn't that a sign that you don't really want it?
  • And then maybe it's because there is scarcity thinking that leads you to this decision  you don't really feel comfortable with?
• If the partner needs to sleep with someone else, couldn't it be the case, that there is something wrong with the relationship? I mean emotionally or sexually.

@intotheblackMakes much sense. My only concerns are the following

• What kind of person is it if the person needs several partners?
• What if they are looking for maximum stimulation and are not really interested in my person?
  • Some people feel empty inside and they try to fill it up with romantic feelings etc.
• Moreover if it is a X->Y relationship with X € {1} and Y € {2...y} where Y not in X, meaning the other participants do not share something between themselves only with the "alpha" partner.
  • then there would be an inbalance in love and attention, which the "alpha" partner just ignores. Because, it is not possible to treat everybody equally. Can this be love? It seems egotistic.

Hence, there is a trust problem, because I think my time is valuable and I don't want to be on someone who plays some ugly games.

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Elevated]

11 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

@Elevated Thanks for taking the time for such a detailed advice! And I really meant polyamorous relationships not open ones. Open relationships are also interesting, because then certain additional questions do arise

I thought you did, but I do still think the same rules apply. Learning to be okay with your emotions is key in a truly polyamorous relationship. 

 

11 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

• If you feel bad at the beginning, isn't that a sign that you don't really want it?
  • And then maybe it's because there is scarcity thinking that leads you to this decision  you don't really feel comfortable with?

It certainly could be, but it could also be you just aren't good at it yet. That's really a decision that you have to make. If you decide that you want to want something, then you can teach yourself how to be okay in the exercising of that want. That's what I'm talking about.

Perhaps it is scarcity thinking to desire multiple partners, perhaps it's a fear of intimacy, likely enough it is a whole host of other things and a combination of all those things and all the positive things. You can't escape the fact that there will be positive and negative motivations. If you want something, you have to deal with those motivations eventually or everything will self-destruct. This is true no matter what you do. So, if you want something, do it and be prepared to deal with the emotional consequences of choosing to actualize that want. Like I said, you're on the path of self-improvement. You're going to have to deal with these things sooner or later. 

 

11 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

• If the partner needs to sleep with someone else, couldn't it be the case, that there is something wrong with the relationship? I mean emotionally or sexually.

There definitely could be. Personally I just enjoy the process of going out and meeting someone new, getting to know them, having a good time, and if we end up having sex then we end up having sex. It's something I enjoy doing. I'm not afraid of being intimate with such partners, but I'm also not afraid of having my intimacy rejected. It certainly hurts a little bit if I wanted to be intimate, but that's just how it currently is. I'm also okay just having casual sex without intimacy, and usually no one gets hurt because I always try to be as honest as possible with what I want from casual partners, and I always try to be as honest with my self as I can be. I'm not a perfect human being though. Mistakes are going to be made. You can only do your best to soothe hurt feelings when they arise. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Elevated

[IAmReallyImportant]

@Elevated

Now the question of self-worth and self-love arises. If you put yourself in a situation where you are hurt several times. This feels like you want to change a part of yourself, you don't really accept to get love from someone else. This means, for example, bending yourself to be polygamous.

And casual sex does not feel different to me than jerking off. There is nothing special and thus for me at least there is no value to get this.

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Elevated]

12 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

@Elevated

Now the question of self-worth and self-love arises. If you put yourself in a situation where you are hurt several times and feel like you want to change a part of yourself, you don't really accept getting love from someone else. This means, for example, bending yourself to be polygamous.

And casual sex does not feel different to me than jerking off. There is nothing special and thus for me at least there is no value to get this.

Is going to the gym an act of self-love or self-hatred? It certainly hurts, but the hurt leads to something better. Pursuing life purpose can be one of the most painful things you do with the amount of emotional labour that it entails, but you wouldn't call pursuing your life purpose an act of self-hatred. Just because something is painful to do does not mean that it is bad. Some of the most difficult and painful things you can do are the things that are the best for you in the long-term.

Is your desire for change coming from a negative place, running away from something scary, or from a positive place, moving toward something beautiful? Like I said, there will be positive and negative motivations in every decision you make. So, you need to bring consciousness to your decision-making and bring love to the negative motivations. 

Casual sex is not just about the pleasure of cumming inside someone. It's about the fun of meeting a real life person, getting to know them, connecting with them, laughing with them, and then ending the night with something you can both enjoy sharing with one another. I'm not trying to change your mind on casual sex. That is your choice. However, do not reduce casual sex to a few seconds of pleasure. It is the entire experience of coming to know another human being, even if only for a single night. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Elevated

[IAmReallyImportant]

@Elevated There is a difference between pain and suffering. Emotional labour is not really suffering.

Why would someone have the desire to come to another person when it comes to sexual intimacy? If it doesn't feel like jerking-off, imo there are romantic feelings involved, even if they are little. In general for me this is waste of time, because it shows there are other intentions involved than just sex.

[Elevated]

@IAmReallyImportant And personally I believe the distinction is what the pain is for. Is the pain involved in running away from something or from facing it head on to deal with it? Is the pain from getting past obstacles on the way to something beautiful? That's something that you have to decide for yourself. 

Your views on sex are based on your value system and that's fine, but realize that different people have different value systems than you do. When you and I say sex, we are saying something entirely different because embedded in that word is our entire value system, our emotional health, our past experiences, and more. 

For me, meeting people is pleasurable, having sex is pleasurable. It's something I enjoy doing and that's really all it comes down to for me. There is no neediness there. I don't need anything from the other person. I am sharing something with them. It is a collaboration, not a taking. This because I've done a lot of work on myself and I can give myself the love and intimacy that I need. I enjoy sharing that love and intimacy with other people. My girlfriend, my casual partners, and my friends and family (obviously to different extents and in different ways). I have more than I need so I can give it freely to those I believe deserve it. Deserving is a deeper topic, and one that can be analyzed at many levels, but in this sense it simply means those people who I connect with and enjoy being around.

[IAmReallyImportant]

9 minutes ago, Elevated said:

@IAmReallyImportant And personally I believe the distinction is what the pain is for. Is the pain involved in running away from something or from facing it head on to deal with it? Is the pain from getting past obstacles on the way to something beautiful? That's something that you have to decide for yourself. 

Your views on sex are based on your value system and that's fine, but realize that different people have different value systems than you do. When you and I say sex, we are saying something entirely different because embedded in that word is our entire value system, our emotional health, our past experiences, and more. 

For me, meeting people is pleasurable, having sex is pleasurable. It's something I enjoy doing and that's really all it comes down to for me. There is no neediness there. I don't need anything from the other person. I am sharing something with them. It is a collaboration, not a taking. This because I've done a lot of work on myself and I can give myself the love and intimacy that I need. I enjoy sharing that love and intimacy with other people. My girlfriend, my casual partners, and my friends and family (obviously to different extents and in different ways). I have more than I need so I can give it freely to those I believe deserve it. Deserving is a deeper topic, and one that can be analyzed at many levels, but in this sense it simply means those people who I connect with and enjoy being around.

Value system for me sounds like constructs.

When I feel an emotional disagreement with something, I just know that I believe something about myself that is not true. For example, that I have to be a certain way. I don't have to be polygamous just because otherwise other people come to me and say I'm dogmatic and not open-minded. I just know myself. Not everyone is polygamous and those who are usually don't feel bad about it from the beginning related to not being loved by the other person. I don't care with whom you fuck or if you fuck with dogs, donkeys, trees etc. .

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[IAmReallyImportant]

I'm only writing this because I tried to be polygamous in terms of "you're not a real man if you don't have sex with frequent partners all the time". However, it felt superficial and like a waste of time. Because jerking off requires less effort and time with regard to conversations, manipulation etc. in terms of going out, meet people start bullshit conversations where you can just extract a little etc. . And I find my time valuable. If I want to have a value regarding conversations, participating on business meetings, seminars etc. is the only thing that makes sense. Even if I am extrovert. I have met that much people that there is not that much value for me available which would make me go out every weekend. And if so, I don't fuck with everybody. If I would fuck, then there must be more than just good looks. And then it would become romantic. Maybe I am too old for this x D Even still in early 30s.

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Elevated]

28 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

Value system for me sounds like constructs.

When I feel an emotional disagreement with something, I just know that I believe something about myself that is not true. For example, that I have to be a certain way. I don't have to be polygamous just because otherwise other people come to me and say I'm dogmatic and not open-minded. I just know myself. Not everyone is polygamous and those who are usually don't feel bad about it from the beginning related to not being loved by the other person. I don't care with whom you fuck or if you fuck with dogs, donkeys, trees etc.

I'm only writing this because I tried to be polygamous in terms of "you're not a real man if you don't have sex with frequent partners all the time". However, it felt superficial and like a waste of time. Because jerking off requires less effort and time with regard to conversations, manipulation etc. . And I find my time valuable.

Value systems are constructs, as are interpretations of emotions and the interaction between value systems and the interpretations of emotions. Some would even argue emotions themselves are constructs. 

I'm not telling you to be polygamous and I apologize if I come across as if I'm trying to convince you of something. I am perfectly content with you living the lifestyle that you want to live. I am not trying to impose my value system on yours by claiming that you are dogmatic or close-minded for not accepting my value system. So please, don't take this as an imposition on you or your personhood. I'm merely expressing my own life style because you've expressed interest and are making statements about it that I don't necessarily agree accurately reflect my own experience. 

In my experience, I felt bad at the beginning about something I wanted. I made the decision to help myself become the type of person who could have something I wanted. That's what self-improvement is all about.

Being polygamous because you are trying to prove something is not helpful, and it's definitely a trap that I've fallen into in the past. I've gone through the Stage Orange pickup lifestyle, and I appreciate what it taught me a lot. However, as you develop as a human you begin to have better motivations and better relationships with yourself and others.

I was raised in an environment where sex was something a man takes from a woman. Women don't want to have sex as much as men. In that kind of system, any attempt to sleep with a woman is inherently manipulative and deceitful because you are trying to get something from her. To take something from her that she wouldn't otherwise give up or desire for herself. This also meant that I had to get it from whoever would give it. It was a scarce resource and so there wasn't a lot of discernment in who I should try to take it from. When I first got into pickup it was very much motivated by that belief system. I wanted to learn the manipulation tactics I needed to convince a woman to give up her sex. 

Over time, I shed my negative beliefs about sex. I learned that women enjoyed sex just as much as men, they just had different social and biological pressures on them that have shaped how they view sex. I learned that by connecting with women as two human beings who enjoy sex and enjoy each other we could share the sexual experience. Now sex wasn't something to be taken from a woman, but something to be shared with a woman who I authentically enjoyed being around and felt connected to. And, because I didn't need anything from her, I was okay if that connection was broken afterward and we went our separate ways. It's the memory of that connection that I will cherish. The full experience itself was the thing to be enjoyed rather than the need for the connection to be maintained. 

This is a Stage Green conception of sex. It is not a status symbol, it is not a reproductive act, it is an emotional, fun experience shared with another human being. There is a lot of responsibility that comes with it, and it opens up the door for people to get hurt, but if you have the adequate map to navigate the complexities of this reality then you also open the door to having a really great time with some really cool people. 

Again, I'm not trying to convince you to adopt my worldview. You can be who you want to be and I'm all for it. That is just how I approach sexuality. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Elevated

[intotheblack]

This is why it’s very hard to work in modern times. You could have seen it in tribe days, where everyone was supporting eachother and everyone shared love openly. Casual sex wasn’t a thing then, casual sex developed because of people being incapable of intimacy.  And it’s nobody’s fault, it’s not good or bad, this is just the times we are living in and the way people cope because of upbringing etc. 
in tribe times there was more of a natural instinct to be polyamorous.  It was more based on emotions and loving the people in your community. The women could have their emotional needs met by more than 1 man and the man could have his sexual needs met by more than 1 woman.   But now it’s expected that the man can have many woman, but the woman has to make do with only 1 man.  The woman’s needs are ignored or suppressed. 

Society and parenting over time has a toxic effect on what was once a healthy natural thing..  now it comes out in forms of cheating, or fear of intimacy, avoidant behaviour, jealousy etc. throw social media into the mix and self esteem issues are higher than ever.  

In modern times, the thought of your woman having her emotional needs aka emotional cheating, met with another man may drive a man crazy.  Or vice versa. It’s sometimes seen as worse than having sex.  Cheating with Sex can be more easily forgiven in a relationship because it can be done unconsciously. This just shows how big a part emotions and intimacy play in relationships.  
Today what you see is open relationships, mostly this only works if both partners are able to put feelings aside and only have sex... this is of course easier for a man to do.  There has to be somewhat of an emotional wall up between them, and they can ignore the fact that they are having sex with others, turn a blind eye to it.... but in reality if they knew the whole detail of what was going on they would feel jealous or hurt.   Therefore most people are suppressing their innermost needs and getting by on sex alone. 

Probably the closest form of polyamory would be ‘swinging’ usually when a couple already has a strong relationship and have deep intimacy with eachother, they may both want to explore and swing with other couples after some time.  This would be more open, each person knows the details inside and out, everything is out on the table and both want this.  There is no keeping things from the other. 
 

Edited March 25, 2021 by intotheblack

[IAmReallyImportant]

20 minutes ago, Elevated said:

Value systems are constructs, as are interpretations of emotions and the interaction between value systems and the interpretations of emotions. Some would even argue emotions themselves are constructs. 

I told you about feelings or emotions. Feelings or emotions can never be constructs. And it is more like a guidance, less then interpretation-based decision making. Emotions are no constructs. The thought about emotion is a construct.

 

2 hours ago, Elevated said:

You have to have trust. Trust that when your partner tells you that they love you, they really mean it.

Doesn't sound like a polygamous person.

15 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

This is why it’s very hard to work in modern times. You could have seen it in tribe days, where everyone was supporting eachother and everyone shared love openly. Casual sex wasn’t a thing then, casual sex developed because of people being incapable of intimacy.  And it’s nobody’s fault, it’s not good or bad, this is just the times we are living in and the way people cope because of upbringing etc. 
in tribe times there was more of a natural instinct to be polyamorous.  It was more based on emotions and loving the people in your community. The women could have their emotional needs met by more than 1 man and the man could have his sexual needs met by more than 1 woman.    

Society and parenting over time has a toxic effect on what was once a healthy natural thing..  now it comes out in forms of cheating, or fear of intimacy, avoidant behaviour, jealousy etc. throw social media into the mix and self esteem issues are higher than ever.  

In modern times, the thought of your woman having her emotional needs aka emotional cheating, met with another man may drive a man crazy.  Or vice versa. It’s sometimes seen as worse than having sex.  Cheating with Sex can be more easily forgiven in a relationship because it can be done unconsciously. This just shows how big a part emotions and intimacy play in relationships.  
Today what you see is open relationships, mostly this only works if both partners are able to put feelings aside and only have sex... this is of course easier for a man to do.  There has to be somewhat of an emotional wall up between them, and they can ignore the fact that they are having sex with others, turn a blind eye to it.... but in reality if they knew the whole detail of what was going on they would feel jealous or hurt.   Therefore most people are suppressing their innermost needs and getting by on sex alone. 

Probably the closest form of polyamory would be ‘swinging’ usually when a couple already has a strong relationship and have deep intimacy with eachother, they may both want to explore and swing with other couples after some time.  This would be more open, each person knows the details inside and out, everything is out on the table and both want this.  There is no keeping things from the other. 
 

Makes absolutely sense. I always was wondering whats the point about casual or meaningless sex and why people put so much value in just fucking which seemed to me like they running away from something. Thanks :-)

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Elevated]

30 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

I told you about feelings or emotions. Feelings or emotions can never be constructs. And it is more like a guidance, less then interpretation-based decision making. Emotions are no constructs. The thought about emotion is a construct.

 I'm not sure that's necessarily true. If your value system informs you that homosexuality is sinful, and seeing two gay men together makes you angry, that emotion would be constructed from your value system. Perhaps we're using different definitions. Either way, I think my reasoning still stands. Your emotions are often times a product of your value system. Changing your value system can change your emotional reaction to things. In addition, changing a homophobe's value system would likely be very painful, especially if it necessitated giving up a person's rigid religious beliefs. I think we can both agree this would be a good thing for them to put themselves through though. 

 

30 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

Doesn't sound like a polygamous person.

I don't know what you mean by this. How does that not sound like a polygamous person?

Edited March 25, 2021 by Elevated

[IAmReallyImportant]

6 minutes ago, Elevated said:

I'm not sure that's necessarily true. If your value system informs you that homosexuality is sinful, and seeing two gay men together makes you angry, that emotion would be constructed from your value system.

A value system is a set of beliefs and you feel discord with some beliefs. And if so it is not really an interpretation, because an interpretation is based on a thought-process and not on a feeling in general. You mentioned interpretations. However, I have contemplated all this through and what you want to tell me here does not apply to the example I mentioned.

And I just don't buy the whole picture you want to draw here, maybe someone else does. No offense, wish you the best :-)

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Elevated]

38 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

This is why it’s very hard to work in modern times. You could have seen it in tribe days, where everyone was supporting eachother and everyone shared love openly. Casual sex wasn’t a thing then, casual sex developed because of people being incapable of intimacy.  And it’s nobody’s fault, it’s not good or bad, this is just the times we are living in and the way people cope because of upbringing etc. 
in tribe times there was more of a natural instinct to be polyamorous.  It was more based on emotions and loving the people in your community. The women could have their emotional needs met by more than 1 man and the man could have his sexual needs met by more than 1 woman.   But now it’s expected that the man can have many woman, but the woman has to make do with only 1 man.  The woman’s needs are ignored or suppressed. 

Society and parenting over time has a toxic effect on what was once a healthy natural thing..  now it comes out in forms of cheating, or fear of intimacy, avoidant behaviour, jealousy etc. throw social media into the mix and self esteem issues are higher than ever.  

In modern times, the thought of your woman having her emotional needs aka emotional cheating, met with another man may drive a man crazy.  Or vice versa. It’s sometimes seen as worse than having sex.  Cheating with Sex can be more easily forgiven in a relationship because it can be done unconsciously. This just shows how big a part emotions and intimacy play in relationships.  
Today what you see is open relationships, mostly this only works if both partners are able to put feelings aside and only have sex... this is of course easier for a man to do.  There has to be somewhat of an emotional wall up between them, and they can ignore the fact that they are having sex with others, turn a blind eye to it.... but in reality if they knew the whole detail of what was going on they would feel jealous or hurt.   Therefore most people are suppressing their innermost needs and getting by on sex alone. 

Probably the closest form of polyamory would be ‘swinging’ usually when a couple already has a strong relationship and have deep intimacy with eachother, they may both want to explore and swing with other couples after some time.  This would be more open, each person knows the details inside and out, everything is out on the table and both want this.  There is no keeping things from the other. 
 

This is why I love looking at the stages of Spiral Dynamics as maps of reality.

In tribal society the life conditions were such that unplanned pregnancy wasn't a huge issue. You had the entire tribe to raise the child. It wasn't until the issue of inheritance private property and power became an issue that people began to need a more rigid map for the sexual reality. You couldn't have wanton sex because you needed to prove that your rightful heir deserved your wealth and possessions. Having illegitimate heirs would mess that up. So, an institution like marriage needed to come into being to ensure that the inheritance went to the right person. 

With the pill and the subsequent sexual revolution, we were in need of a new map to navigate this more complex sexual reality. It takes a developed person along the Spiral, who has integrated the previous stages adequately, to have an adequate map to explore this reality. It took me a long time to get to where I am and I still have a lot of progress to make, but moving into Stage Green has really helped me with it. 

[Elevated]

6 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

Again, there is a difference between emotional reaction and feeling discord with some truth.

I just don't buy the whole picture you want to draw here, maybe someone else does. No offense, wish you the best :-)

I never said there wasn't, I was just explaining how it was true for me. As I've said multiple times. 

You don't buy it because you aren't removing yourself from your own value system. You only see my actions and beliefs through your own value system rather than realizing that my actions and beliefs emerge from my value system. This is why I repeatedly say I'm not trying to convince you of anything, because I understand that your views on sexuality emerge from your own value system and you have every right to that value system. Either is better or worse only insofar as they allow one to actualize the lifestyle that one desires. In this sense, we both have better value systems because we both have different lifestyles and the value systems that go with them. 

I wish you the best too. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Elevated

[IAmReallyImportant]

5 minutes ago, Elevated said:

I never said there wasn't, I was just explaining how it was true for me. As I've said multiple times. 

You don't buy it because you aren't removing yourself from your own value system. You only see my actions and beliefs through your own value system rather than realizing that my actions and beliefs emerge from my value system. This is why I repeatedly say I'm not trying to convince you of anything, because I understand that your views on sexuality emerge from your own value system and you have every right to that value system. Either is better or worse only insofar as they allow one to actualize the lifestyle that one desires. In this sense, we both have better value systems because we both have different lifestyles and the value systems that go with them. 

I wish you the best too. 

You don't understand. What you understand under a value system is a distinction between polarities like good and bad. Which is nothing more than a set of beliefes. I meant just a feeling about what I want and what not. Not everybody wants the same things. If this would be the case, there would be no dual creation. As I told you, I don't care about who you fuck. I don't judge it, why should I? I have better things to do.

You are stuck in this self-improvement cycle, because you think that you are not complete. But don't project it onto me. I feel for you.

Edited March 25, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant