Why can't you accept it

[Preety_India]

Just accept it. That life is a joke 

Everything is a joke. 

That I might get a heart attack some day dealing with all the chaos that I cannot escape. 

Just accept it. 

 

[Preety_India]

Maybe my soul is not able to accept things the way they are. 

Maybe I'm always wishing that things would be different. 

 

[Preety_India]

*angrily throws away her laptop. 

All my life the only thing that I ever did was be myself - be my sincere self. 

This rage that is inside me.. It grows and keeps growing. 

 

I want to give out a growl..... 

. 

I want to scream, and throw things at walls. I want to break things, break the mirror. 

I want to break these chains of helplessness 

Feel free. 

 

Out of this Cage called humanity. 

Every experience here is inauthentic. 

Every experience is a neurosis. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have no fucking idea. I don't want to. 

@Preety_India 

 

@Preety_India relax, just relax, @Preety_India, it's okay. You'll be alright. It hurts. But it will get better. You just accept it. All you need to do is accept. 

@Preety_India I know that you want some hope, some love, some attention, some comfort. But hey be gentle with yourself. You will heal from this. This too shall pass.. Now it hurts. But it won't anymore. Also it hurts because of all the past stuff. Everything hurts right? Everybody hurts? It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be alright. Accepting is not rejecting. Accepting is not denial. Accepting is not continuation. It's just coping.. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Preety_India sometimes I wonder why wouldn't it be better if I just died.

There would be nothing left to solve. No pain. No frustration. No anger. No nothing. 

Then only bliss........ Freedom.. Sweet freedom.... 

Freedom from a tormented life. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Yesterday I felt like I was going to die. It was awful. My whole life flashed in front of me. 

This is no joke and no easy thing.. 

It's quite hard to go through a near death experience 

I went through it like nearly 15 times.. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Preety_India all you need is some healing and comfort. If people judge you then let them. They are not in your shoes to understand your pain. 

So judge is all they will do. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Preety_India all you need is healing. All you need is attention. All you need is patience and acceptance. All you need is kindness, compassion and mercy, the God's fruit. All you need is a place away from ego. All you need is forgiving the other person. All you need is freedom from chaos. Soft, loving and Empathetic voice. Someone who gives you attention and makes you feel calm. Someone who is slow with you. Someone who is soft and merciful to you. Someone who will accept you for who you are and not rush things with you. Someone who won't confuse you or throw you into chaos. Someone who is soft and not harsh. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I am a young woman. There are so many things that you go through when you are a young person.. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Preety_India I know you feel bad.

But accept the truth. Truth hurts. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Preety_India just take a deep breath and relax.

 

[Preety_India]

All my childhood I lived in mortal combat mode.. 

Always trying to live. Always trying to cope with abuse. 

Always trying to survive. 

 

I don't know how to live outside of survival mode. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Always living in malnutrition, poverty, abuse, ruthlessness, apathy, nobody to love me or hug me, lived in desperation, despair, misery, fear, terror, insecurity, chaos, deprivation scarcity, torment.. 

I don't remember my mother hugging me even once. 

 

I don't remember if I ever felt safe as a child. 

 

The only memory of my childhood is playing with cats and talking to marbles all day every day. 

I used to talk to inanimate objects because I was so lonely 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Preety_India you'll be alright. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Preety_India 

 

OK I have contemplated hard in the last one hour over this whole situation where both abuse and victimhood is involved. 

I'll describe this situation around racism. 

There can be so many different things happening. And how to know what is right and what is wrong? 

I'm talking about abuse and victimhood here. I'm. Using racism as a context to understand my point better. Just using racism as an example. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So continuing with the example above.

One needs clarity here. And by clarity I mean super clarity. 

There are always 2 sides to a story. 

I'd say one is the aggressor and the other is the victim. 

One who is doing the hurting and the other who is getting hurt, predator and prey. 

Case 1. 

A person 'P' is racist to a person 'Y'. Person P is very abusive and racist. Always finds a way to trigger person Y and repeatedly attacks person Y for no reason. 

Person Y is generally quiet and wants to be left alone. 

Now person Y is offended by the comments made by person P. 

Person Y feels humiliated and upset. 

Maybe both work in a university where you have a community board for reporting problems.. 

Person Y complained to the board about person P. 

Person P cried to the board that person Y is playing victim.. 

I don't think person Y is playing victim because Person P said obviously racist things to attack Person Y. Even bullied him.. Harassed him with the intent that he would leave the place. 

This is a genuine case of aggression by person P against person Y. 

And person Y is justified in their complaints. 

Who is the aggressor?... Person P

Who is the victim?.... Person Y. 

 

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Case 2.

Lets say we have two persons, person X and person Z. 

Person X is very decent and normal and nice individual with the purest intentions. 

Person Z is however a narcissist. 

Person X said something that wasn't meant to be racist. No slurs or insults used. They said something as a fact about a race but not in a degrading way. 

Person Z decided to launch an attack on person X. Called them racist. Asked them to be removed from the group. Constantly hounded person X. Made a public spectacle out of person X. Put full effort to block person X from any progress. 

I'll call this behavior narcissistic victim playing. Because person X hadn't said anything that was visibly racist. Person X had also apologized and expressed concern about racism. Person X also defended themselves by saying that they had no racist intentions. 

Person X also does not seem to have any past history of attacks and or racist verbal assaults or racist views/opinion and no record of attacking or hurting anyone. 

Rather than using a direct fork of offense, person Z is using the indirect method of playing victim to harass person X. The agenda is to somehow hurt person X by defamation. 

Person Z is not open to the idea of resolving conflicts. In fact they are just waiting to lynch person X. 

Person X is being apologetic and trying to explain their side of the situation yet person Z is not having it. 

This is not real victimhood. This is bullying and aggression in the name of victimhood. 

Who is the aggressor?.... Person Z. 

Who is the victim?.... Person X

 

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Style of journaling 

 

 

• . Bullet style journaling... I did this for many years now because I had no time to write long posts so I Would simply leave short notes in bullet form. 

 

• . Word salad style journaling. This is a very verbose method of journaling. I can try this some times. 

 

 

• . Self reference style. Which I'm currently doing in this journal. 

 

• Page breaker style. I'm doing this as well in other journals. This is my favorite method. 

 

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The other thing was this concept of positive and negative survival. 

Positive survival that is self soothing and never hurts anyone. 

Negative survival which is divisive and narcissistic in nature..

 

Positive survival. 

Symbolism. 

Also other things included. 

Like self empathy. Why always give the benefit of the doubt to other people, why not extend it to the self. 

 

The symbol of positive survival. 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

What else is a part of positive survival? 

• Focusing solely on survival 
• Self empathy 
• Self motivation 
• Survival has an inherent spiritual component 
• Self empowerment. 
• Self awareness and self observation 
• Ethical survival means giving space to everyone to survive. I consider this as positive survival. 
• The concept of positive survival means you have to be very very self absorbed and self centered. You have to be kinda selfish. Go. Meta on survival. 
• First go to the top and from that top secure position try to help other people. But first be secure. 
• Don't invest in fake empathy. Or shallow empathy. Little empathy. Because little empathy makes you look great but you aren't doing great things 
•