What The Fuck Am I Doing. (a Final Plea)

[doubld]

Fuck, I have no idea how I'm going to structure what I'm about to say, so I'm just going to start throwing stuff out there about my life story. It may be long, but please follow. I just need some kind of reassurance or something, I have no idea. If you don't want to read my whole life story and want to skip to the bulk of the problem, then go to the next bolded line

I grew up in a somewhat emotionally abusive household. My dad was always a very angry person, my mom was very out of touch at the time, yada yada you get the point. They got divorced when I was 13, and I would primarily stay with my mom from that point on. While she never did anything bad per se to me and made me feel like she cared, she was also very much out of my business, so I was kind of left to do whatever on my own.(Not sure if this is even relevant but whatever) I would say I hit my rock bottom of my life so far around when I was 15,16. I had a fair amount of social anxiety, hardly any friends, played video games all day, and was watching porn every day 3 times a day. One day, I decided I had enough and wanted to change myself. So I turned to the only thing I knew where to get answers from, the internet. I started with simple self help videos such as "fake it till I make it" in regards to curing my social anxiety. It seemed to be working pretty well. Around this same time I had been going to Confirmation sessions for the Catholic Church (I had been an atheist at this point, but I went because i didnt want to tell my mom). During March of 2014 (still 15), One of these sessions was a weekend retreat which I went on. I opened up for the first time in my life and told people about the problems I was going through, and a whole bunch of other positive things. I felt a sense of inner love and peace that I hadn't been able to experience prior to that. I felt like a brand new person after that retreat. I somehow quit porn cold turkey, not for a religious purpose but for my own well-being. I started being more attentive and loving in my everyday life, and a girl actually approached me and started dating me (I had tried desperately to get with any girl up to this point). While I never actually attributed any of these positive effects to Catholicism itself and still basically considered myself an atheist, I started volunteering extra time to the church just because the community was so loving and kind. And honestly, I was able to get behind a lot of what they were saying. 

So for the next year, my lifestyle totally changed. I started volunteering for many different local activities, I started a strict gym routine, and I cut my video game time in half. I also got into pickup around that time, coupled with the fact that puberty was pretty nice to me, I became pretty good at attracting girls. I was always able to get them super into me, but always failed to keep them interested for longer than a month because I was still pretty needy. I had my first actual girlfriend from december 2014 to february of 2015. She broke up with me a week before prom, and I came home and binged on a bunch of self help videos. AANNDD this is the day when I first discovered Leo. He was more into basic self help stuff that I was still into at the time, so it really appealed to me. I also started to take my new hobby of competitive super smash bros more heavily around this time too. So the next few months or so were pretty great minus the occasional bad feelings from the break up. I was able to flirt with a lot of girls, learn a ton from leos videos, and met a ton of new friends through smash bros. Then one day, out of nowhere, I relapsed on porn. I didnt think it was that big of a deal, just once, but it quickly became a habit once again. Not as bad as before, but still about 4 times a week. 

(I promise Im getting to my point soon)

That summer of 2015 consisted of me working two jobs, and getting better at smash bros. My goals sorta took a backseat. When my senior year started, i took a leap and joined the school choir, even though singing in front of others is one of my biggest fears. It went well for awhile, and I met my ex girlfriend early in the year. I knew in the back of my head the whole time that she wasnt right for me, but i kept at it anyways. I started getting into more of the Enlightenment part of leos videos around this time. The concept really fascinated me, and I started to study it pretty heavily through other sources as well. The rest of senior year was very VERY comfortable. Although I still had quite a few things going, I was still devoting most of free time to leisure and dicking around. 

TL DR: Grew up in not the best household, hit my rock bottom at 15. Mix of self motivation and spiritual experience at Church Retreat brought a transformation within myself that I was able to carry on for about a year. After the year, relapsed into many of my old habits, but still retained a comfortable borderline happiness up until this summer.

So here is where the problem comes in. At the beginning of summer, a lot of the activities I was involved in, helpful to me or not, stopped either voluntarly or it ran its course. I pretty much only had my girlfriend, my #1 hobby competitive smash bros (a video game), and enlightenment work. However, I still felt very comfortable and happy with my life, which I attributed to my frequent but not yet daily mediation habit and self improvement work. I knew I had to overcome a few things, like kicking my porn habit again and deciding if keeping my girlfriend around was the best choice, but I thought it wouldnt be too hard.

I went on a roadtrip with a good friend of mine and it was a good experience. I was away from stimulation for about 4 days and came back feeling a lot more loving, much like the church retreat, but on a lesser scale. As soon as I came back, I hung out with my girlfriend then went to a tournament for smash bros and just had an amazing week. She then went on vacation too, which I was fine with as I didn't have needy issues as long I knew she was still into me. 

I went on a second roadtrip, this time twice as long and with family that I dont see too often. Although the trip was rather painful at first, I had become an emotion machine by the end. I experienced the highest highs and lowest lows that i had in a long time. I came back and was super social with my family which is still an oddity, and i felt more attentive with my girlfriend. I hung out with her once after my trip before she had to leave again till basically the end of summer. Long story short, she definitely lost interest over this period, and I experienced anxiety over it. This shocked me, because i honestly though i had some sort of mastery over my emotions at this point, but i let the anxiety get to me. 

 

I broke up with her a month ago, and here i am. Im actually sorta over her now, but that is not the point at all. Im 18 and just started community college. Ive now come to two major realizations over the last month or so 1) I am still very low consciousness 2) Im being a total fuckup in my everyday life. 

All I do during my free time now is play smash bros, which I justify by telling myself that since it is competitive, it has potential to be fufilling. Ive tried to quit a few times now, but I couldnt do it, Im addicted I guess. Today for example, I got off school at 2, played smash with friends till 7. surfed the internet till 9, practiced singing/mediated til 1030, then surfed the internet again/watched porn till 2. 

But here's the thing, I still feel "happy". I dont feel like im suffering. Despite the shitty external circumstances, I feel like ive made some progress with my psyche. But in the back of my head, I know I have to make bold moves soon. 

I want to transform my life again: I want to stop watching porn, I want to stop craving sex, I want to start a band, I want to find my life purpose, I want to be loving, I want to live to the fullest. But I feel happy now. 

I have so much more to say I think, but there is already enough to digest here. Please give me any feedback you have, ask me to clarify things, anything. I need some sense knocked into me or something.

[Xpansion]

Hi doubld, 

ok here's the thing - you are 18.    And you want everything now. Life just doesn't work like that. I understand how much you want to change and that is a really great thing which will take you far but there are no quick fixes. Meditation is not a fix, spiritual retreats are not a fix.    

I actually think you are a perfect candidate for Leos life purpose course because you want to change so much. You sound like you have a strong sense that there is something for you that's better than where you are. This will drive you to persist with the work required. I have just signed up and I am finding it enormously helpful and inspiring. I am 30 years older than you. Imagine if you signed up now and begun on this journey. By the time you're my age you are going to be so ahead of the game. But you need to start. To take the first step.

Im in my late 40s and I had a very disfunctional upbringing just like you. Actually it was worse. I was not only  physically and emotionally abused by both parents but I was also severely bullied and ostracised at school. This led to all sorts of problems for me including drugs. 

What has helped me over the last 5 years has been Buddhism. It has helped me understand so much about why things are the way they are which helps me to let go. To recognise unskillful thinking and craving which leads to suffering. Don't get me wrong, I am still a work in process, still have problems and shitty days but I see things more clearly now. I don't want to preach to anyone because we must all find our own path but if nothing else is working for you maybe have a look into Buddhas view of life. If it works for you great if not you have lost nothing.   Here's a link to website where you can read up and do a free study guide. Let me know how you go.   I wish you all the best and hope you find the true happiness and deep peace you are seeking.

Buddhist teachings

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 13, 2016 by Xpansion

[doubld]

It means a lot to hear your encouraging words. Thank you, I will be sure to check out the link and get back to you!

[Xpansion]

A very good free online book that has helped me on the journey -

Essentials of insight meditation practice

And this  is a good basic instruction -

How to practice vipassana meditation

Edited October 13, 2016 by Xpansion

[Lorcan]

Hey, doubld. My name is Lorcan and Im 14. I can see where you are coming from although I cant say I have a particularly abusive family. However in relation to the playing video games , social anxiety and chasing girls. I can sort of get a grasp of what you arr feeling(sort of).

I used to sit on my ass and place video games all day ,porn and do no self help or self improvement whatso ever. However around 13 years old I got sick of that crap and by accident discovered leos channel after having some family drama in our house. I typed in How to deal with toxic people and leos video showed up.

Since then I have improved a fair amount, I still play a hood bit of video games but Im slowly doing other things that are more flhelpful to me.

So you want to change your life?

I would recomend the Life Purpose course like expansion.

Also I think self inquiry would be beneficial to you, so you can find out who you Really are.

Its going to take suffering. Find your passion. An absolute passion. Dont get trapped in a dream bubble. But dont have limiting beleifs either. Question everything ,again and again.Even the beleifs that you find to be true.

Notice what your mind does and take notice how how you may be self sabataging yourself.

Dont get your knowledge form just one source, leo is great but, thr more sources the better.

Develop a reading habit, there is loads of things you can do to transform your like.

Google actualized.org blueprint ,there is a list of 100 and more things.

Also keeping a journal on your self devlopment would help, there is a section for it in the forum.

I have my own journal I started recently,hope I helped. My phone battery is 5 Percent

 

 

[Xpansion]

Lorcan I have to say I am really impressed and amazed by your wisdom for such a young person.  You are only 14 and you are doing so well. Good on you.   When I was 14 I didn't have clue. The internet didn't exist though so the information was not freely available like it is today.  

Edited October 15, 2016 by Xpansion