PTSD and being Suicidal

[Preety_India]

Frankly I don't give a damn.  Like I said I'm such an introvert. 

It's best if I crawl back under the rock I came  from. 

That's the kind of person I basically was to be honest. 

I was that all along until people decided to pounce. 

So much negativity in this world. 

One thing that has remained true is my honest expression. 

I'm unabashedly me.  I've no qualms about it. 

I don't hide under the garb of social tact. 

That way my mind operates in inner peace. 

Because I'm not my biggest problem. 

 

[Preety_India]

This actually proves how living in your own world is the absolute best thing. 

No mess whatsoever. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Communication should be the key. 

From now on I want only 

Honest Useful Optimal Affirmative Intimate Conversation. 

Communication should be honest. 

Those who communicate should be sincere. No trolls. 

 

Communication should be useful 

It should be useful to me or my life or to the general situation 

 

Communication should be optimal 

It should have a standard that needs to be met. Should be high conscious communication. 

 

Communication should be affirmative 

It should be about saying positive stuff. 

 

Communication should be intimate. 

It should be intimate between me and them and should sound intimate trustworthy and fulfilling. 

 

 

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Avoid people energy for a while 

 

 

 

You know why. 

 Because it doesn't help. 

All the negative communication upsets me even more.. 

[Preety_India]

Comfort 

Building protective dynamics 

Label everything toxic 

Do what you authentically like.. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Don't get involved into negative interactions. 

Observe the dynamic that is building. If it's not healthy, intimate and empowering then never talk to the person and politely refuse and tell them to leave me alone 

 

The dynamic building is a burden on the communicator's shoulder and it should be a protective dynamic and If they are not able to build that  then it's their problem. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Reject early on.. 

If  a person is not building a protective dynamic then just don't talk 

Reject faster. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Tomorrow my therapy session is lined up. 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel like I come from alien space. I can't believe I'm among these people. Unbelievable. 

People are so harsh and judgemental. 

It's such an effort to pull through. 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My stomach is in such deep pain. 

I feel like someone put a knife through me.. It hurts so bad. 

When will people wake up and realize that they fucking hurt.. And it's not okay to hurt someone. 

When will humanity wake up and realize that victims exist and they need freedom and justice. That child abuse is real.. 

That millions of children get abused every day and half of them never get a chance to recover and they give up at some point. 

Why is the world so tone deaf to the suffering of humanity? 

Why does it take something horrible to happen for people to realize that something needs to be done to stop all the evil on this planet? 

Why is humanity is so shamelessly selfish and indifferent to the sufferings of others? 

And why all the pretense and hypocrisy of helping others? 

 

Like this guy I was talking to today, he was at first sympathetic to me and offered me empathy, saying how much he could relate to how I felt and how awful my situation was, only to snub me later in a condescending way 

 

Why do people do this? 

 

Why do they pretend like they care and then act like they couldn't care less? 

It adds more hurt and pain. 

Like if you aren't fully ready to help someone then don't try at all. 

 

Don't try to FAKE HELP. BECAUSE I DON'T NEED IT. 

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO IT ONLY TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE SOME GOOD CARING PERSON. BECAUSE ACTUALLY YOU AREN'T. 

YOU DON'T MEAN GOOD INTENTIONS. YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU MEAN WELL BUT ACTUALLY EVERYTHING YOU DO IS AN AGENDA. 

I suddenly relate to these people. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I DON'T NEED YOUR FAKE EMPATHY. I DON'T NEED YOUR FAKE HELP AND FAKE APOLOGIES. BECAUSE THEY DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD. 

STAYING AWAY FROM ME ACTUALLY HELPS ME MORE. 

JUST DON'T COME TO ME. I DON'T NEED SHIT. 

I CAN HANDLE MY SHIT 

 

YOU DO NO FAVOR OTHER THAN USING MY PAIN TO PROP YOURSELF ON IT AND MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE THE BETTER GUY. 

THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE DOES. JUST ANOTHER STUPID HOLE OR TRAP TO FALL INTO 

 

[Preety_India]

I've decided to take a new identity, an alter ego. This new identity will help me cope with my PTSD symptoms. This new identity helps me understand my own feelings better. 

It reflects how I feel. There are many versions of this new identity - the pink haired version, the purpled hair version, the black haired version, and the blonde haired version.. 

I'll call this new identity Marabella.. 

Marabella represents a woman who suffered trauma because of child abuse and tries to run away from the world and cannot trust anyone and is trying to fight the trap called Life. 

Marabella means "star of the sea" 

Since I'm a Pisces, I totally connect with this name. 

 

The pink haired version of Marabella, the Indian girl version. 

 

The purple haired version. 

 

I'm wearing straps all over my body as Marabella and these straps represent the " trap" that I constantly feel I'm in. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The blonde haired version of Marabella. Like the dog chain choker. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The black haired version with braids. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

In this journal I will alternatively refer to myself as - 

Preety 

Angel 998

Marabella 

 

I'll be wearing a glowing purple triangle on my forehead as a sign of being one of the angels in the world. Like this. 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I've several tunes ringing in my head that describe my state of mind. I can't describe these musical tunes but I've a couple of them that are close to the music running through my head constantly everyday. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

The blue haired version of marabella 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Marabella says 

That which is  love stays with the truth 

That which is love gives hope 

That which is love brings peace 

That which is love knows it all. 

That which is love understands and accepts you. 

 

[Preety_India]

This music is constantly in my mind. 

 

[Preety_India]

At least I'm taking the first step towards recovery 

 

The mind being scattered and terrified and blank or distracted all the time is also a symptom of PTSD.. 

Lack of self awareness and lack of environmental awareness is also a symptom of PTSD. 

Feeling "not motivated at all" is a feeling that arises from feeling "trapped" or feeling "controlled" that is not feeling free. 

Feeling all over the place is also because of PTSD. 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Having this. 

[Preety_India]

This new sense of identity is actually helping me to cope. 

I can live through her. 

This new identity is going to define life in a different manner. 

 

[Preety_India]

What really helped to come this far? 

 

I went through a ton of shadow work late 2017 and realized that I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. 

So, what did shadow work reveal to me 

• That distraction, escapism and addiction (addiction to distraction) and lack of focus had become a norm. 

 

What did I learn from shadow work? 

• To be completely authentic.... No lying. No dishonesty. All of that lying is coming from trying to escape internal judgement impacted by a narcissistic judgemental person. To be completely authentic is a major first step towards spirituality. Fear is causing that  inauthenticity. 
• Be fearless. ... Fear created by control and trauma. The power dynamic of mother daughter relationship. Fear is causing to not stand up for oneself. It's causing Borderline symptoms. That is there is a correlation between abuse/trauma cycle and Borderline symptoms. Which means codependency and fear of abandonment. Borderline means fear of abandonment. Where does this fear of abandonment come from? It comes from early childhood emotional neglect and emotional deprivation (because I never felt loved by my mother who was an important figure in my life from whom I wanted affection and validation but never got so there was emotional starvation and deficit) this lead to fear of abandonment and Borderline codependency traits and tendencies. This codependency and Borderline fearful behavior lead to falling into toxic relationships and not able to escape them. Creating a toxic codependency cycle combined with a terrible need to show empathy (empathy that  inadvertently came from deep trauma and emotional suffering) and all of this lead to wanting to show empathy combined with the need to receive love in return and no abandonment or fear of abandonment causing strong attachment. 
• Important lesson here is to never have an imbalanced power dynamic relationship or authority figure in life ever to stop the re-ignition of trauma. 
• Feeling free. For me as a trauma victim, it's important to feel free. Because freedom was never given and never truly experienced.  It order to reverse the traumatic impact, it's important to feel free to go back to the original self. 
• Once you are able to get rid of helplessness, fear of abandonment, feeling trapped and not free, you will feel like you came back to home from a battleground or long travel. You will experience a never before relief. 
• Allow yourself to be yourself. The  hallmark sign of PTSD is that you never feel you can be allowed to be yourself. Especially when you are healing from narcissistic abuse by parent. You don't feel like you can be your true self. You fear that you won't be accepted. You feel lost. Your sense of identity is stolen from you. So regain it back. Allow yourself to be yourself. 
• PTSD causing inability to discover the true self because of control, fear and narcissistic abuse. 
• Lack of self awareness is a major symptom of PTSD. 
• Identity related issues. You're not able to have a fixed identity. Because there is nothing fixed. 
• The major reason behind the coping mechanisms that are constantly becoming re-written is because of a lack of freedom. So freedom is like a medicine for PTSD. It's like a balm that heals the wound quickly. So remember freedom and feeling free is required to stop the beginning of the cycle of unhealthy coping mechanisms - lying, pretentious behaviors, distraction, zero motivation. 
• Feeling calm. Hallmark sign of PTSD is feeling helpless and stressed all the time. 
• Invest time in stress relief exercises. 
• Hallmark sign of narcissistic abuse generated PTSD is feeling unaccepted or invalidated and deprived or snubbed or unwanted. Unbelongingness, separation. You'll feel like nobody wants you. 

I discussed this particular aspect in the following thread. 

Thread - how-to-deal-with-a-situation-where-nobody-wants-you-anymore

• Feeling belonged and accepted. Create this feeling as a part of healing process 
• Deal with Denial. You as a victim face a lot of denial from people, especially abusers and enablers/sympathizers/contributors. Learn to recognize and  reject such denials. 
• Another symptom is not feeling empowered. Try to feel empowered. 
• Develop a tough exterior against stress. 
• Reduce distraction. 
• Feeling encouraged, supported, loved by a group of people like community love will help in faster healing. Create yourself as a power brand. 
• Replace the negative judgements of the abuser with positive affirmations. 
• Don't look for validation of the abuser. 
• Feeling loved and cared. Feeling cared for gives a motivation to self care. Like somebody cares about you. This creates a feeling of joy or importance. This importance creates motivation to do better and improve self. It creates a wanting for life, an appreciation for everything. Creates a natural feeling of self love.. 
• Feeling secured. This is important because in PTSD you feel that you are losing everything or nobody cares, a sense of fear and survival mode. You become very scarcity oriented. You don't feel abundant and secured.. 
• Ignoring the abuse 
• Protecting yourself constantly 
• Healing Aesthetics, anything that creates feelings of joy,comfort, intimacy, love, peace, harmony, balance, fulfillment, security. I'll call this aesthetic massage. Healing aesthetics Create a supportive and safe and stimulating environment. 
• Focus on self love. Love and Acceptance play a big role in this. 
• Feeling accommodated. This is a special kind of accommodation. Example if you are diabetic.. And you live in a hotel where they serve you food. Now if it's an accommodating place, they ensure that the food is consistent with your diabetic diet. If they are not accomodating and considerate then they won't accommodate you. Similarly you've to tailor and schedule your entire life around accomodating your PTSD. For example, you're easily affected by what people say. Then you can't afford to socialise like others. You need to accommodate for your PTSD needs. That is you'll have to account for PTSD wherever you go. It's like you carry an inhaler with you if you're visiting an allergy inducing place.. You're accomodating for your allergic response. You're basically tailoring your life around it. So you avoid situations and environments or carry pre-prepared defensive methods to avoid or prevent PTSD triggers and stressors. The environment needs to be accomodating of your PTSD needs which means the environment should have the least trigger factors. The environment should be redesigned to accommodate the needs of the PTSD victim. And you as a victim also need ways to accommodate your needs and symptoms. For example if you are aware that certain type of persons or conversations trigger your PTSD, then accommodate for this factor and cut down or remove yourself from such conversations or cut off such people from contacting you. That's how you accomodate for yourself. Rewired. Refrained. Redone. Because the PTSD is affecting every element of my life, like cancer or like a virus impacting every cell or organ. Similarly PTSD affects nearly every aspect of life. Therefore every aspect will have to be such that it accommodates for the protocol of PTSD needs. Everything will need to be reframed in order so that the PTSD does not flare up. With every little thing you'll need to be super careful. To stop the ignition. For example if I get triggered by bullies, then before entering a classroom I will need to instruct the teacher or supervisor regarding my needs to be accommodated. If my PTSD is related to fire, let's say, then I will have to make arrangements where I will have to inform people beforehand that they should not talk about fire.. Your whole lifestyle will need to be modified in order to accomodate for the PTSD. 
• Feeling accomplished. This creates a feeling of self confidence and general confidence. Little achievements everyday. 
• The other kind of accomodation is where your weaknesses and disabilities are accomodated by the system or environment instead of being rejected or eliminated. An accommodating system makes your survival easier and acceptable rather than harder and dogmatic. 
• Feeling a sense of control. Like you are able to be in charge and able to have some control on the flow of your life. 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Trauma and abuse creates a vicious pattern in your life. 

 

 

 

 

I just don't want to talk to anyone on this forum anymore. 

 

It's all absolute bs. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Preety_India