Spiritual Emergencies - Personal Experience

[Batzon]

Hi guys,

since I had a pretty rough 2020 after a meditation experience I'm interested into getting to know your spiritual emergency experiences.

(more to spiritual emergency here).

I will sum up my experience shortly:

 

May 2020: A dream stood out to me, where a female voice told me that I would get sick but I would be healed (I always try to make a sense out of that dream since I had some rough time shortly after)

Juni 2020: I set an intention for changing my life, I was unhappy, unsatisfied and fed up with myself

later Juni: Had my first awakening experience while meditating, it lasted for 7 days and I had 3 peak experiences. I blocked my last experience of bliss (I blocked the rise of it, since the last 2 times I was in full tears) because friends were with me, didn't want to make things complicated. I couldn't explain my experience to them anyways, they wouldn't understand. Anxiety rose up instantly,while feeling the anxiety I was getting confused, "Am i going bipolar?" became a thought loop. I couldn't sleep for 7 days:

First night:

Almost developed a neurosis out of confusion, didn't know what was going on at all. Meditation helped. As I went to bed I tried to just observe what was coming up. I had thoughts that were not mine. My arms were shaking, my legs were feeling like blocks. I had to puke into a bucket because I was feeling nauseous. Thoughts came up that were not thought by me, don't know how to explain. Like watching a movie and persons were talking nonsense. Hours later, in a half dream like state I saw something laying in fetus position next to me (didn't see it actually, it was more like a dream, don't know how to explain). I had the feeling it was my ego. Something told me it had to die. The dying thing had a voice and it was fighting. Dark parts of myself, well it felt like that. After some time when things got more calm, I layed on my side and I heard shamanic humming. Pretty calming, the humming got closer and wrapped itself around me, with the same vibration when I wake up out of a lucid dream or when I have any other weird dreams. The vibration wrapped itself around a part in my stomach where I had an infection for 4 weeks. The next day I woke up, and it was so peaceful. I was watching out of the window and the leaves were moving in the wind. It was beautiful. The area in my stomach was pulsating hard.

Following week:

Days after I was still confused as hell, I went to my mother to ground myself, walking in the forest. I couldn't look my mother in her eyes because I felt fear when I did, I felt stitches around all my nerves in my head. Walking outside the next days I felt a sense of depersonalization. I felt I was in this world with 1 foot and with the other foot somewhere else. When I finally got some sleep the later weeks my dream patterns completely changed. Instead of running away from something or searching for my home, which I dreamed of the years before constantly, I went deeper. In one dream I was looking in the mirror and saw my face, it was beaten up, blue/black and I felt a depression I've never felt before. I was so miserable. My lips skin was peeling off. (Later I read that peeling skin is a sign of healing). Sometimes I woke up in the night in these half dream like states, not knowing if this all was real or not. I had constant worries of going schizophrenic.

When I closed my eyes I mostly saw animal jaws biting constantly, mostly shark jaws. Together with this constant noise when trying to sleep/shut off, and these constant brabbling voices (didn't actually hear them, idk how to explain, it's like a voice in a dream). And everytime I tried to sleep, everytime I was in the shift of consciousness I would just snap out of it again, it was actually a physical sensation, I felt this pulling through the big nerve ending from my stomach up to the part between my eyebrows.

Some day I had a crazy synchronicity with my twin sister.

 

End of August 2020:

While traveling with friends in Budapest, I was sitting in this cafe and something just creeped up on me. Everything turned greyish (not visually, just sensually idk how to explain). It felt like a huge negative energy I've never felt before just came out of nowhere, this time there was no trigger at all which frightened me. It was like something was pulling me down/ sitting on my shoulders, it's what some describe as crippling depression. I asked my friends to move, I had to hold my body up with my arms. We went to my friends appartment and I was just laying there, observing it, waiting for it to pass. Never felt such overwhelming depression. After like 3 hours it weakened, but this time I couldn't sleep for 80 hours straight, not even a minute of chill. The animals jaws biting, the brabbling voices in my head, the flinching when I tried to sleep, full program.

Sometimes in this summer I woke up from dreams where there were huge explosion sounds, ear drum destroying explosions. Waking up with the biggest tinnitus I've ever head (and anxiety of course). Some dreams in Fall were just dreams were I literally lost my mind.

After August things settled and slowly, a permanent state of anxiety turned into smoother depression. November I started to get synchronicities daily up to today. On my phone, on my PC, in my dreams, on the washing machine, on license plates. It was, yeah, insane.

Literally questioned my sanity after this intense and really, let's say interesting, last half of 2020. Who would not?

 

Anyone had similar experiences?

Edited January 7, 2021 by Batzon

[How to be wise]

@Batzon Suffering is how you grow. People always wait for terrible things to happen before they change. Notice that societies always grow after a genocide.