Batzon

Hi guys, since I had a pretty rough 2020 after a meditation experience I'm interested into getting to know your spiritual emergency experiences. (more to spiritual emergency here). I will sum up my experience shortly: May 2020: A dream stood out to me, where a female voice told me that I would get sick but I would be healed (I always try to make a sense out of that dream since I had some rough time shortly after) Juni 2020: I set an intention for changing my life, I was unhappy, unsatisfied and fed up with myself later Juni: Had my first awakening experience while meditating, it lasted for 7 days and I had 3 peak experiences. I blocked my last experience of bliss (I blocked the rise of it, since the last 2 times I was in full tears) because friends were with me, didn't want to make things complicated. I couldn't explain my experience to them anyways, they wouldn't understand. Anxiety rose up instantly,while feeling the anxiety I was getting confused, "Am i going bipolar?" became a thought loop. I couldn't sleep for 7 days: First night: Almost developed a neurosis out of confusion, didn't know what was going on at all. Meditation helped. As I went to bed I tried to just observe what was coming up. I had thoughts that were not mine. My arms were shaking, my legs were feeling like blocks. I had to puke into a bucket because I was feeling nauseous. Thoughts came up that were not thought by me, don't know how to explain. Like watching a movie and persons were talking nonsense. Hours later, in a half dream like state I saw something laying in fetus position next to me (didn't see it actually, it was more like a dream, don't know how to explain). I had the feeling it was my ego. Something told me it had to die. The dying thing had a voice and it was fighting. Dark parts of myself, well it felt like that. After some time when things got more calm, I layed on my side and I heard shamanic humming. Pretty calming, the humming got closer and wrapped itself around me, with the same vibration when I wake up out of a lucid dream or when I have any other weird dreams. The vibration wrapped itself around a part in my stomach where I had an infection for 4 weeks. The next day I woke up, and it was so peaceful. I was watching out of the window and the leaves were moving in the wind. It was beautiful. The area in my stomach was pulsating hard. Following week: Days after I was still confused as hell, I went to my mother to ground myself, walking in the forest. I couldn't look my mother in her eyes because I felt fear when I did, I felt stitches around all my nerves in my head. Walking outside the next days I felt a sense of depersonalization. I felt I was in this world with 1 foot and with the other foot somewhere else. When I finally got some sleep the later weeks my dream patterns completely changed. Instead of running away from something or searching for my home, which I dreamed of the years before constantly, I went deeper. In one dream I was looking in the mirror and saw my face, it was beaten up, blue/black and I felt a depression I've never felt before. I was so miserable. My lips skin was peeling off. (Later I read that peeling skin is a sign of healing). Sometimes I woke up in the night in these half dream like states, not knowing if this all was real or not. I had constant worries of going schizophrenic. When I closed my eyes I mostly saw animal jaws biting constantly, mostly shark jaws. Together with this constant noise when trying to sleep/shut off, and these constant brabbling voices (didn't actually hear them, idk how to explain, it's like a voice in a dream). And everytime I tried to sleep, everytime I was in the shift of consciousness I would just snap out of it again, it was actually a physical sensation, I felt this pulling through the big nerve ending from my stomach up to the part between my eyebrows. Some day I had a crazy synchronicity with my twin sister. End of August 2020: While traveling with friends in Budapest, I was sitting in this cafe and something just creeped up on me. Everything turned greyish (not visually, just sensually idk how to explain). It felt like a huge negative energy I've never felt before just came out of nowhere, this time there was no trigger at all which frightened me. It was like something was pulling me down/ sitting on my shoulders, it's what some describe as crippling depression. I asked my friends to move, I had to hold my body up with my arms. We went to my friends appartment and I was just laying there, observing it, waiting for it to pass. Never felt such overwhelming depression. After like 3 hours it weakened, but this time I couldn't sleep for 80 hours straight, not even a minute of chill. The animals jaws biting, the brabbling voices in my head, the flinching when I tried to sleep, full program. Sometimes in this summer I woke up from dreams where there were huge explosion sounds, ear drum destroying explosions. Waking up with the biggest tinnitus I've ever head (and anxiety of course). Some dreams in Fall were just dreams were I literally lost my mind. After August things settled and slowly, a permanent state of anxiety turned into smoother depression. November I started to get synchronicities daily up to today. On my phone, on my PC, in my dreams, on the washing machine, on license plates. It was, yeah, insane. Literally questioned my sanity after this intense and really, let's say interesting, last half of 2020. Who would not? Anyone had similar experiences?

Name: Malte Age: 24 Gender: Male Location: Germany Occupation: Student of Geography Marital Status: Single Kids: No Hobbies: yoga, qi gong, spending time in nature, spirituality, meditation, gym, making music of any kind, philosophy, learning about our own kind, discovering myself When I was getting into puberty I had a huge feeling of alienation, I never felt I fit in. I fled into video games. At 13 years I also started to get into spiritual stuff, I always had an interest into mystic things, I often felt that there is more to life and that we have much knowledge within. At first I did it for my ego's sake (Maybe it was even for the sake of fleeing reality). At 16 I dropped the spiritual stuff because I wasn't getting anything out of it. I tried to fit in an became a pretty nervous, selfish and arrogant guy. Until last year I was heavily addicted to video games. Spirituality came back to me when I was having a deeper intention set after moving into a new flat 6 months ago. "I need a reset" I told to myself, "now I mean it". 2 weeks later while meditating I had a profound shift of consciousness which sustained for 6-7 days. I was in tears, I had this immense feeling of "how could I have forgotten this?". I realized many things that kept me from growing, it was an immense relief. In the stages of bliss I saw reality as it is. It was a glimpse at all but it was so shifting that nothing has been like before. My ego came back and threw me into weeks of insomnia and depersonalization/psychosis like states (I would say mild forms). I had the constant fear of becoming crazy. After daily grounding and integration I saw what was going on. In these 6 months I started shadow work and had some big emotional releases, I saw that I punished myself over the last decade pretty hard. Months after I never have felt more mature. Still, at the moment I'm cycling through depression and anxiety, but I'm thankful for that. I feel like I can finally be the creator and move on, I finally feel like I can start life. It's a learning process and I finally stopped skipping school, I'm willing to learn and grow now. It's not easy but it's the best thing that could have happened. 2 weeks before my awakening experience I had a dream where a voice told me I would get sick but I will be healed. That's giving me much faith. Personal challenges I've overcome: - Awakening shattered my video game addiction - Eating like shit - Desire for constant attention - Being way less judgemental Challenges I'm working on: - Becoming independent, authentic, grounded, compassionate, - Listening to my gut, - living and enjoying life with all senses, seeing positive sides not only negatives - embracing ANY kind of experience, going out there in life instead of hiding from it - overcoming self sabotage - finding my purpose and passion - Not letting my fears limit me

I like that analogy. About chasing the bliss, are there any ego traps one should be aware of? I was more into shadow work and about to embrace the dark and depression to work myself through, could this be a desire to feel the bliss again too?

What do you exactly mean with not embracing the depression? Isn't embracing the depression just fully accepting it and being aware of it? Otherwise thanks for your answers guys

Thanks for your answer Moksha. Just watched the ego backlash video by Leo, I feel way more grounded now. That's the thing, in the depth of suffering, doubt is always coming back. And I deeply know that too. It's just so hard not to get attached to it. 2-3 weeks before my awakening I had a dream where a voice told me that I would get sick but I would be healed. That's giving me much faith actually. I have to learn to accept and be mindful about the suffering.

It's been 7 months since my first and profound awakening experience. After meditation, I was in this state for about 5-6 days with 3 peak experiences of bliss and profound realizations through non-attachment. I thought to myself in tears "How could I have forgotten this?". It was so profound and different yet so natural, that my mind started to question my experience (it came back when I repressed tears of bliss because the third peak happened after I went jogging with friends, didn't want to make things complicated). Anxiety came up because of the repression of the upcoming bliss, with it my mind. The thought loop of "Am I going bipolar?" threw me into 7 days of anxiety and insomnia. The first night was the hardest. Signs of psychosis rose up, paired with hypnagogic hallucinations (auditory, basically thoughts that were not mine, like many different movies that are playing at the same time) (I've never done any psychedelics, but states that came close to that anxiety were kinda trippy experiences with edibles) Integrating this one might think, that I had 2-3 symptoms of a really grounded hypomania, but in this experience my mind was way less involved than in Maniac states. I knew no one would understand my situation and I just enjoyed the moment. My friend just told me that I appear much more happy and confident (I felt the most authentic, most alive and most peaceful for the first time, yet I knew this state would pass). It was more than an experience one would pathologize. I deeply wished this state/experience to every being, even the "worst" beings. Now I've gone through months of depression cycles, and since 3 days, I'm slipping into my next one. I feel there's resistance, the first times I could work it out with faith. Now the depression feels different, it's not getting more painful (still can feel like an open wound tho), but I tend to have less faith since it's so exhausting and I can't see the end. I know in these states you can feel worries and despair creeping up, I can't help it, but I know it's only my ego kicking. To my questions: How does one cope with these cycles? I can't bear thinking about potential next cycles, I feel that I'm still in the beginning, I feel that I still have a lot to process. But it is getting really exhausting. Last time I didn't have stuff to do and could focus only on processing it, but now my university is calling me and I want to finish my degree so I can start my life. How do you cope with unconscious resistance? I agree with "surrendering is key", but I feel that everytime I cycle into darker phases again, something in me will kick and scream again. This is more of a background theme. Yet I think this is making it so much harder. Why can't I convince myself that everything will turn out fine? I still have the fear of becoming crazy, especially after some "psychotic" like states. (Had some dreams after my awakening where I literally lost my mind) There's a fear in me where I think about becoming crazy, like where I will be lost in my own depression with no way out. I'm certain most of the questions I can only answer myself (or I already know them), still if somehow had some similar of this experience himself, what would be your advice?