Trip Report - MDA - Infinite Suffering/Love Cycle & Telepathy

[shapesift]

BACKGROUND:

The main breakthrough trip to be described happened almost exactly two years ago. The experience happened around 11:30 pm on the final night of a 3-day music festival. I was at the festival with a group of friends and my girlfriend at the time. The trip was primarily triggered by a large dose of MDA ("Sass") - I estimate the dose to be 0.7g, but this is a rough estimate. My girlfriend (trip partner) and I had taken MDA in the past, in lighter doses, and never had anything like this happen before. While we always test our substances, the test kits are only so specific. The MDA we took tested dark blue/purple on a Marquis Reagent test kit and was from a trusted source.

To this day I don't know how to process the experience and what to believe. Leo's videos have taught me vigilance over the irrationality of the mind and its tendency to delude itself. My experience has been decidedly different than what I hear from Leo and others during their awakenings, which makes it difficult to analyze and understand. I'm posting my objective experience for a few reasons: a) to get my words out and organize my thoughts, b) to see if others can relate or help me understand, and c) to get an outside perspective to see if I am deluding myself and to what degree.

NOTE 1: At the time of this experience I had been following Leo's videos intently for about 3 years, and at the time I felt somewhat metaphysically unstable. Leo was starting to push hard into nonduality and my ego felt wounded and afraid from those videos. I have dealt with persistent existential anxiety throughout my life, and this was the period when I struggled the most with it. (I'm doing better now.)

NOTE 2: I also think Ketamine played a role in the experience, but to a minor degree. The doses of Ketamine I took that weekend and around the peak experience were small.  

NOTE 3: I had been partying all weekend leading up to this experience, so my brain could have been exhausted. Given all the variables, I cannot be sure exactly what triggered it. 

DOSAGES:

My best estimates of my substance intake for the weekend are as follows. The breakthrough experience happened on Night 3.

Night 1 - substances were taken over time at a steady pace from 4pm-4am period unless otherwise noted:

          Alcohol - ~8 shots of liquor & ~12 high-percentage beers 

          Ketamine - ~0.4g (insufflated) 

          Cocaine - ~0.7g (insufflated)

          Nitrous Oxide - 1 balloon (taken in one sitting around 1:00 am) - (inhaled)

Night 2 - substances were taken over time at a steady pace from 4pm-4am unless otherwise noted:

          Alcohol - ~8 shots of liquor & ~12 high-percentage beers  

          Ketamine - ~0.4g (insufflated) 

          Cocaine - ~0.7g (insufflated)

          Nitrous Oxide - 1 balloon (taken in one sitting around 1:00 am) - (inhaled)

          MDMA - 0.3g (taken all at once at 12:00 am) - (oral)

          LSD - 1/3 tab (taken at 9:00 pm) - (oral)

Night 3 - substances were taken over time at a steady pace from 4pm-4am unless otherwise noted:

          Alcohol - ~8 shots of liquor & ~12 high-percentage beers

          Ketamine - ~0.4g (insufflated) 

          Cocaine - ~0.7g (insufflated)

          MDA - ~0.7g (taken all at once at 10:00 pm) -  (oral)

          Xanax - 0.5mg (taken during the MDA peak in an attempt to trip cancel) - (oral)

My girlfriend and I took these substances together throughout the weekend and dosed at the same times. We took very similar amounts of each substance, other than her taking a full tab of LSD on Night 2 and a small amount more Ketamine than me throughout the weekend. She also took a tab of LSD on Night 3 with the MDA. I probably drank a little more than her throughout the weekend - everything else was very close in dosage. 

TELEPATHY:

Everything was normal for me during the first 2 days and nights of the festival, other than the onset of what I can only describe as telepathy between my girlfriend and myself. This occurred on 4 separate occasions throughout the weekend, including the main MDA experience on Night 3 when the telepathy peaked. The first night we both bought a balloon each of nitrous oxide and inhaled from them while sitting in chairs near one of the stages. I had this indescribable and certain sense that she and I had somehow merged and were sharing thoughts. I didn't say anything to her about this the first night, as I figured it was just in my head. The next night, again when we each had a balloon of nitrous, the same thing happened again. This time we looked at each other and said, "Did that just happen?" and we both knew what we were talking about. She told me that the exact same thing was happening from her perspective, and that she didn't tell me either the previous night as she thought it was just in her head. 

THE MAIN EXPERIENCE:

On the third night, my girlfriend and I consumed the MDA at our campsite at 10:00 pm. We then walked around the festival grounds looking at vendors and displays. About 75 minutes after ingestion (11:15 pm), we both agreed that we maybe felt a slight euphoria but it was very minor, to the point that we thought the MDA would not work beyond this. We sat down on chairs in front of the main stage to watch music. At some point shortly after, it felt like a switch was hit. The MDA hit like a freight train. We looked at each other and both knew we were really fucked up. We were laughing and in a state of euphoria and everything took on a sort of clownish vibe. We moved away from the crowd to a grassy clearing to the side of the stage to get away from people, which felt appropriate. Shortly after, the telepathy returned, but this time in full force. We were experiencing the same thoughts and memories, and occupying the same physical space. It was like we were seeing through one set of eyes, not looking at each other, but seeing together. My girlfriend began to have an accompanying visual trip (she was also on acid at the time). She had a vision of our merged being in the darkness of the sky. We were mirror images of one being, made of stardust, forming constellations (not any particular constellations). I convinced her to take out her phone so we could write a message to ourselves for the morning as a way to "prove that it happened" and to remember it. I texted to a group chat of myself and her "we are the same being." The best she came up with was "this is fun."

Then a second switch was hit and I began to experience infinity. It felt at this point that the telepathy extended to the universe at large. It was like I had merged with the universe and the universe was working as one machine. Everything moved to the beat of the universe. My ego death must have been partial, because I still had a sense of self at times, and I was having severe existential terror. My experience then became of infinite suffering/hell. It is hard to remember the details and harder to explain, but I will try to piece things together. It was as if I knew the answer that I had been seeking for my entire life, the answer to why the universe is here and what it is doing. I have always struggled with reconciling and trusting the "goodness" of the universe, and in this moment, reality (which was me) was perceived to be the worst thing possible. My deepest fear had become true, a fear that on some level I knew I have always struggled with but did not understand the nature of until now. All things were leading to an infinitely worse and worse state, already infinitely terrible, but with an infinite capacity to get progressively worse (essentially the opposite of what Leo has been saying the universe is up to). There was also a sense of ultimate entrapment. The worst possible anything, forever, with no chance of escape. There was also a sense of being absolutely alone, which I believe was an integral part of the horror, but my memory of this aspect is fleeting. In the "real world," this resulted in me rolling around violently on the ground, often running into people, and screaming bloody murder - "OH MY GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. NOOO. NOOOOOO." I have never heard my voice sound like that before or since. Side note: the only visual component with any of this for me was at one point physically merging with my girlfriend. There was a black "void" in her chest that was sucking me in. Otherwise everything was fading in-and-out, like I was moving in and out of states of consciousness, so it is hard to recall many details.

Then, just as quickly as the suffering phase began, it "resolved" somehow, and was replaced by Love. The magnitude and unlimited potential of suffering inverted 180 degrees and was actualized as Love. This was blissful. The Love phase was decidedly less dramatic, and less convincing.

In talking with my girlfriend after the experience, she said she watched me go through at least 10-15 "cycles." In one moment I would either be unresponsive or in agony, and the next moment I would tell her I'm fine and say "Let's go find friends" or something similar. Then the trip would cycle again and I would instantly fall to the ground again completely limp. I believe these fainting cycles matched with my cycling between experiencing suffering and Love. I only remember one true suffering phase and one true Love phase, but I imagine there were more that I don't remember. She tells me it took me a while to come fully out of it the cycling (probably about 30-40 minutes). She did not experience the metaphysical states as I did, but she says she could comprehend what I was going through. 

FLASHBACKS:

From the time of writing this experience, I have had somewhere between 20 and 40 flashbacks of the experience, usually while completely sober. They started shortly after returning home from the festival. They can be very intense, although not as intense as the trip itself was. "Flashback" is the best word I have for them. They feel like the trip activates again and I am back to where I was that night, like reality has again become what it was in those moments. In general, the flashbacks have decreased in intensity and frequency over time. My first 5-10 flashbacks (up to about 4 months after the trip) usually caused me to faint and fall to the ground in the same way that I did during the trip itself. During a flashback I have been on the ground for up to 5 minutes. The fainting is confirmed by those around me; one time I needed to be carried out of a crowd by two friends, and another time I fell down a flight of New York City subway steps and ended up covered in bruises. The flashbacks happen spontaneously, often with no lead up at all. If there is a lead-up, it is usually some rumination over the trip and an increase in existential anxiety. The flashbacks often happen in my dreams, where they are very intense and usually wake me up. 

A very curious feature of the flashbacks is that every time it happens I feel that I am not "supposed" to talk to anyone about it. In the moment of flashback there is a sense that by talking to other people about it, I am feuling the suffering and somehow spreading it to other people. This has been so convincing at times that I would reflexively push my girlfriend away from me when I am in that state, in an attempt to "protect her" from it. This has prevented me from writing this report, until now.

Thank you for reading. Please let me know if you have experienced anything similar or if you have any feedback. Blessings.

Age at time of experience: 24

 

 

 

Edited October 11, 2020 by shapesift
grammar

[Bulgarianspirit]

Did DMT yesterday. I took 3 hits from my vape with a 1g DMT/1,5ml juice mix. Of course it cannot be put into words what I have seen/experienced directly. The scenery changed from second to second, like being teleported from one room to the next. It was a very straining trip. I had to "force love" onto these sceneries so it would not completely annihiliate me. I felt a very deep, existential fear. I am all there is. Completely alone for eternity. I've had a horrible LSD trip not too long ago where I felt the same "divine loneliness". God is one, God is all there is. God created everything. I experienced it from this God perspective. Everything and everyone are just memories. Tales I told myself to not be alone for ETERNITY. Nothing is real

After going through about 40 trips, i don't recommend psychedelics...

This knowledge is a secret for a reason bro. If you are ill prepared, untrained for what you will find out, it can drive you mad or give you a disorder.

The universe is one being, a huge vast mind creating dreams always and over, living through illusions of separation, to not feel lonely.

Even Leo admitted god suffers multiple personality disorder.

Who fucking wouldn't stuck in a void for eternity, jesus.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/comments/9ag8sr/im_not_okay_despite_what_others_say_it_doesnt/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body

Edited October 9, 2020 by Bulgarianspirit

[shapesift]

@Bulgarianspirit thanks for reading and replying. your experience with DMT sounds intense. I read most of the thread you shared. Yeah, I’m still looking for where the infinite perfection and goodness and healing that Leo talks about fits in here. I think a lot of this is my ego not understanding anything and being afraid of what it doesn’t know. part of me says i need to go even deeper to the point of complete ego annihilation, in faith that the answers I find on the other side will be the salvation I am looking for. But the rational side of me can’t ignore the risks. 

@Leo Gura any advice?

and yes i know this report is reckless and disrespectful to psychedelics to a certain extent. 

 

[Guywithshoes]

I took 1g of MDA and another 1g 1 hour & 15 minutes later with a past gf and friend about 3 years ago. About 2 hours after first dose, I remember passionately singing out loud Black by Pearl Jam. Singing has always been a big fear of mine, and I immediately went to a dark void- almost a glimpse of death. I was able to let go of different layers of anxiety, experiencing full ego death. I kept going through higher states of consciousness and letting go and I got to the point where I felt that if I let go another step further, I knew my body would transcend. A massive sense of self worth came over me, knowing that if I let go, my mind would transcend but my body would stay. I felt a wild sense of compassion for all my loved ones- knowing that if I fully let go, my death would be known as an over dose and it would be traumatic for everyone in my life. I had to ability to transcend, but I decided to stay- for them. 

I woke up from the black void, to find my friends hugging me. I felt nothing but love and compassion. All my insecurities & anxieties vanished. I didn’t care about me anymore, I just cared about them. I saw all the insecurities and anxieties in them. I saw what holds them back from being the best version of themselves. I knew what they had to do in life to grow through their future life experiences to let go of what is holding them back. 

Shortly after, I started experiencing serious telepathy. My Gf was feeling nauseous and was stuck in embryo pose on the living room floor for quite some time. The house was silent. I remember being in the kitchen in my own head- thinking. My gf started talking. I instantly started thinking “what is she saying?”. She kept talking.... and I was very puzzled. She was answering out loud questions I was asking myself in my head. At first I was in disbelief... my mind was well... blown beyond blown by drugs. I started to test out the range of telepathy. I ran into the other room to see how far I could go. She kept answering my thoughts until I was so far away I couldn’t hear her. 

I remember laying with her and holding her on the living room floor. She continued answering all the questions in my head. She started to consume my mind and search through my past experiences, looking through all my childhood trauma, opening doors to any part of mind she desired. I remember her trying to get into my past relationships with girlfriends, sexual experiences and pornography tastes. I felt as though she was digging so deep she was crossing boundaries. Areas of my life I didn’t want her to have access to. She kept trying to get in. I started screaming in my head stop.   She remained silent and still, but I knew she was still there. I started to feel different states of confusion for the remainder of the night. I remember taking a pain killer to fall asleep. We didn’t sleep long. I remember the drive home in the morning. We were sober but I still felt her in my mind. A sense of uncomfortableness was forever instilled in me, knowing she knew so much about me and I knew very little of her. From there on out I constantly felt her in my mind. 

We lasted about another year. I always felt like there was a part of her I didn’t know. She was so quiet all the time and had difficulty expressing her feelings. She was incapable of letting me inside of her head. There was a mental block and I think that’s what made her feel sick and locked in the heart closed embryo pose for 2 hours during our trip.  All I wanted was in, to make the relationship last. I always wonder if it was just my inability to make her feel comfortable enough to express her feelings openly, because I myself am aloof and I don’t open easily.

To this day I see the best and worst in everyone. I can read their feelings through their eyes. Even people I don’t know. It’s a blessing but a curse.

All we can do is accept who we are and where our life is taking us in the present moment. Everything happens for a reason. 

Edited May 24, 2021 by Guywithshoes