When you feel like you don't "feel the point" anymore & Depression

[Shir]

Hey Everyone,

I hope everyone is having a good day/night where ever you are in the world.

My heart just feels really, really heavy tonight and I feel the need to ask for help and some guidance right now and I feel like this is the only "open" place and platform I can go to in order to express these thoughts and feelings I'm having right now. 

I think everything that's going on in the world weighs heavy on everyone in some shape or form - for many different reasons. I just feel like it also CAN applify feelings that already exist within you; and with myself, I just think they're the already existing feeling of depression & despair. With everything going on in the world, I have not been able to do my best in Uni, let alone barely do anything I need to do. I've struggled all semester, which to me is not new but it's that much more harder.

I honestly feel really consumed with the feeling that "I don't care" and also a mix of "what's the point?". Not in the classical sense of "what's the point of life", but for me, more so - "I don't FEEL the point". I fucking hate school. I really, really do. There is honestly just no other way to say it elegantly. I've been in Uni as an undergrad for over 4 YEARS (!) now and I am no where near done. My dream was to get into gratuate school and to study Clinical Psychology but long story short - that is not working out; my grades aren't high enough. I am not good enough academically according to the very, very high standards I would need to accomplish in order to even get it. And, lately I found out (specifically to what I was interested in within this field - that EVEN if everything was literally perfect and I somehow made it in and did it all...it still isn't worth it). That really broke my heart and it was literally my only big dream in life. I really wanted it more than anything, essentially. 

Since then (and before) of COURSE I had a plan B, and now more than ever...that's all I really have. Believe me, I get it - I know not everyone gets to fullfill their dreams in life. I really get it. 

And now with that and everything I mentioned...I just really feel consumed with feeling that I just don't care. I don't see nor feel the point anymore. I've been laying in bed for hours now just trying to grasp at something and it's like there is actually nothing. I think what deeply bothers me is how sad and depressed I feel over me literally always FORCING myself to do everything I need to do - self care, hygiene, school, communication...everything is frustrating already because I have to force myself to shower, respond back to friends, force myself to study...everything. 

I know I have depression, I would dare say clinical depression. I was in therapy and was somewhat validated by that but I cannot afford any therapy right now even if I wanted to. I have NO idea how to get over this. I feel such a deep dissapointment of myself - like I somehow realized I was never a good student...ever. All I did in life (school wise) was to do what I needed and to finish what I needed. I think I barely enjoyed school growing up, at all to be honest (apart from very few bare minimun classes if ever). I feel like my life has been me literally "doing" elementary school, middle school, high school...and now Uni. I am so over it. I really, really am. 

My then Therapist told advised me to stop Uni (for the sake of my depression & mental health) but...I just KNOW I'd hate myself more if I did because I know I'd have to go back to it one day (what ever that one day would be - 3 months, 6 months ect) - I would be older and feel more resentment of myself because the whole process of finishing Uni would have taken much LONGER due to me being on "a break". I am already 28, I could cry from sheer frustration from thinking of taking a break and then going back to school. 

Now I just...I don't care. I've tried to search tips to motivate myself but I kept realizing that...deep inside - I don't care. I felt that I was forcing myself to search for all that because I felt like "that's what I should be doing".

I will be honest I have lost the will for romantic relationships in life, lost the will for children, lost the will for a social life, lost the will for friends and for communicating with them...all I really had left (will wise) was school, having a dream in life and now that that's honestly gone and I have suddenly faced my inner nature of "not caring" - I cannot help but feel empty, a failure in life. 

I am at a point where I literally do not know what to do. This whole laying in bed for hours and feeling the way I do has become a daily thing for months. It was essentially always THERE when I was feeling that much more depressed (before everything happened with the world) but now it's just amplified and it seem like it's all there is. I wish I can convay how horrible it is to feel this way but it's literally like a deep depression with realizing YOU as a person, who you feel you really are inside - doesn't care. These are NOT feelings I would wish on anyone. I am deeply, deeply ashamed. I feel like all my friends are thriving in life and all the students I talk to are perfect. I realize everyone has their struggles but I cannot even fix my own right now. I feel like I have no will power deep inside and everything I do is me forcing myself. 

Please let me know your thoughts and what I should maybe do?

Thank you to all the kind & lovely souls reading this right now. 

[Red-White-Light]

@Shir You’re comparing yourself to others, you think you don’t have enough time (life is long). And your mood is low, so you need to work with a therapist to raise the mood to healthy levels. 

[Shir]

Just now, Red-White-Light said:

You’re comparing yourself to others, you think you don’t have enough time (life is long). And your mood is low, so you need to work with a therapist to raise the mood to healthy levels. 

@Red-White-Light Thank you kindly for taking the time to reply to my post! I really do appreciate it.

I am totally guilty of compairing myself to others, yes...I think it stems from jealousy as well. I know you really do mean well but I think it's a bit more complicated as a woman - if I ever want kids, I will need to be aware of fertility years which after 35 have been said to plummet...I know 28 to 35 is not too short but it's a lot to think about in terms of carrer, at least finishing school, having a stable carrer and income, actually finding a man, falling in love ect...it's a lot to take in once I turned 28 (so I feel). 

I'll agree my mood is low yes  I will do my best to mention what you've suggested if I ever get to have therapy again - thank you for your advice!!!

[commie]

Hi!

I went back to school at 25 and I think I was too old so I feel you on that front.

Obviously you have a problem, shouldn't be forcing yourself all the time, and should seek help. But but doesn't have to be a doctor. Surely there is some kind of women's organization in your area providing free support and services. Equally obviously, I have no magic solution... but is the following really the problem?

1 hour ago, Shir said:

I will be honest I have lost the will for romantic relationships in life, lost the will for children, lost the will for a social life, lost the will for friends and for communicating with them...all I really had left (will wise) was school, having a dream in life and now that that's honestly gone and I have suddenly faced my inner nature of "not caring" - I cannot help but feel empty, a failure in life.

You don't need to care about any of this. Middle-class careers in particular aren't for everyone. It's obviously fine if you do find yourself caring about these things again as you heal but in the meantime, perhaps you'd notice there is something else you care about if you stopped punishing yourself for not caring about the things you think you ought to care about or simply for not being Superwoman?

Children are people, not an achievement. Women often have children when they're much older than 35 these days but that doesn't mean it's a responsible choice. If you really want children, do you really need a career that would keep you away from them? Having both the children and the career remains the exception and not the rule.

[Shir]

@commie

On 7/13/2020 at 3:05 AM, commie said:

Hi!

I went back to school at 25 and I think I was too old so I feel you on that front.

Obviously you have a problem, shouldn't be forcing yourself all the time, and should seek help. But but doesn't have to be a doctor. Surely there is some kind of women's organization in your area providing free support and services. Equally obviously, I have no magic solution... but is the following really the problem?

Hey there!!! Thank you kindly for taking the time to reply to my post, I really do appreciate it  

That's SO awesome that you went back to school at 25!!! I think I did when I was 23 or so. I totally feel you on the too old thing lol. I wish I went when I was 20...it wasn't because I couldn't, I just honestly made horrible choices in trying to get into another school which took me like 2 years of my life for nothing and in the end once I did I left immediatly...so *sigh*. 

You're right, I wish I wasn't forcing myself all the time  I wish I could seek help yes, but I don't think I could affort Therapy right now. A family doctor would probably perscribe SSRI's which is something I personally would not want to put in my body. I have been perscribed them before. Sadly I do not think there's a Woman's Oranization in my area providing such services? I will give it a check though!! thank you for pointing that out for me right now. 

You asked if what I shared (in the quote) was really a problem...that's a good question. It does feel so for me becuase it makes me feel less normal as a human being and even more so as a woman.

On 7/13/2020 at 3:05 AM, commie said:

You don't need to care about any of this. Middle-class careers in particular aren't for everyone. It's obviously fine if you do find yourself caring about these things again as you heal but in the meantime, perhaps you'd notice there is something else you care about if you stopped punishing yourself for not caring about the things you think you ought to care about or simply for not being Superwoman?

Children are people, not an achievement. Women often have children when they're much older than 35 these days but that doesn't mean it's a responsible choice. If you really want children, do you really need a career that would keep you away from them? Having both the children and the career remains the exception and not the rule.

To be honest it's kind of comforting that you're suggesting I do not need to care about any of this haha. You raise really good question...I think what I really care about is having a fulfilling carrer in something I adore (Therapy). That's been a dream of mind since I've been 16 so it's hard to let go of it per se (I barely can let go of wanting to be a Clinical Psychologist which was the big daddy dream, so to speak). I think my sadness comes from NOT feeling like I have something ELSE to care about that I WANT...any other "dreams" really feel like part time dreams and not like, the big deal. If that makes sence. I have no men to pursue ect...I don't have any emotional investment in other dreams or stuff I want (apart from material things, like everyone else I think)...hope all of this is making sense. I'm saying all this to say that, I don't feel like I have something to fall back to to - for example, maybe another woman feels like her dreams are not going to happen, but at least she has a loving partner to love her and she has a loving marriage to fall back into. 

You're very right, children are people and not an achievment YES. I think as a woman I always hear things like "children are the best thing I've ever accomplished in life" and that deters me because I want to WANT children 100%...it just seems like something way bigger than marriage and everything in life. That's true, some women have children 35 and older (I was a product of 35 lol) but I think there are some risks. Hence my stress about trying to have it all figured out by 35. 

You raise a lot of great questions...

I want a carrer more than I do children, I'll be honest about that. I don't think I'd want to be a SAHM. So like you said, having a carrer would essentially me being "away" from them. I think the whole children discussion would be a whole other issue with me because I feel like I have issues with commitment somehow in that department. Like, you cannot GO BACK from having kids. And that really scares me. I realize that's weird haha.

[commie]

Let me know if I got this right: you think you need therapy but it's inaccessible. And your dream is to provide therapy to others... but then who would be able to a access the therapy that you might one day provide? People who don't need it? The small minority who are born into money but still have issues?

If there really is no way to for you to access support, you must live in a dangerous place. Maybe you should be dreaming about moving then because someone who couldn't get help might end up hurting you or someone you love.

But if you were able to find help with the problem you have right now, do you thing you might start dreaming about doing that instead of therapy and helping people who actually need it? If so, it would make sense to work extra hard at finding help. Maybe your dreams wouldn't involve more schooling then.

Obviously I would encourage you stick to your current school as long as you're not falling apart, even if you started dreaming about something else. Getting the diploma can't hurt!

4 hours ago, Shir said:

You asked if what I shared (in the quote) was really a problem...that's a good question. It does feel so for me becuase it makes me feel less normal as a human being and even more so as a woman.

Who cares if you're normal? Do you know how many people around you actually are normal underneath the facade?

Do you even want to be normal when that means being lost in selfish dreams to such an extent that help is not provided to people who need it in order to become healthy and productive?

4 hours ago, Shir said:

I think my sadness comes from NOT feeling like I have something ELSE to care about that I WANT...any other "dreams" really feel like part time dreams and not like, the big deal. If that makes sence. I have no men to pursue ect...I don't have any emotional investment in other dreams or stuff I want (apart from material things, like everyone else I think)...hope all of this is making sense.

I don't want to encourage you to spend more time alone reflecting about your situation but if you do find yourself going over your problems, maybe you could nudge yourself a bit in that direction. Surely there are other things you care about! Maybe you're taking it for granted and you need to pay more attention. Or maybe this "big deal" is taking up all your bandwidth so to speak and you should dial it down. I don't know what's going on in your mind but I do know not there's more to life.

I'm really surprised men and material things are the only thing that deserved a mention. I get that if you want both children and a career, a husband without a career would come in handy. But as far as material things are concerned... of course we all need stuff but I live on less than half the poverty line and I lack for nothing. So if you live in a reasonably prosperous place, I don't think you need to worry about that (unless of course you wanted to raise children in a place so unhealthy that people without wealth can't get any help).

4 hours ago, Shir said:

Like, you cannot GO BACK from having kids. And that really scares me. I realize that's weird haha.

That may be weird but it makes total sense. The world would be a better place if more people thought about that instead of having children in problematic circumstances.

Edited July 16, 2020 by commie