Journey to Nothing

[MuadDib]

Last Thursdayism

 

Evolution 2.0

Edited November 27, 2025 by MuadDib

[LastThursday]

Dear diary.

The last week has been a crazy one. My Dad got taken ill with flu, which even for a healthy person would be an unpleasant experience. Instead his flatmate phones me and says he's unable to move at all, and that she's very concerned for him. My Dad had a second major heart attack last month, and this really zapped his physical strength and mobility. Having flu on top of that has nearly killed him. I understand now why flu is taken so seriously for older folks.

Dad ended up going to hospital and has been there a week now. The biggest issue is that his flatmate would be out of the country for weeks, and he had no one else to care for him. My uncle lives fairly near to him, but he is old himself and had mobility issues also, so that wasn't going to work. My sister is in America and my half brother hasn't got two pennies to rub together. So that only left one person, AKA me.

If I had been working this would have been a nightmare, as it is I haven't worked for a few months. My full intention was not to work at all for an extended period, perhaps even up to a year. Primarily I stopped so that I could decompress, destress and just "do nothing" - but also to think about my options and what I could do with my life "the big stuff". Of course, reality doesn't play by our rules and as Americans say sometimes you're dealt a curve ball.

I could simply have said "nope I'm not dealing with that fuck off", but I couldn't bring myself to do that. So, here I am in a foreign country, in the middle of Dublin sorting shit out. My aunt and uncle put me up for a short while. I felt incredibly awkward as we are effectively strangers, I only having gone to their place once before. I've probably seen my uncle twice in about forty years. But luckily we got on well enough. And, as soon as I had the chance I relocated my Dad's flat. His flatmate is back briefly for one day (today) before she goes to Poland for Christmas. 

Seeing my Dad daily in hospital has really emphasised how fragile we can all be at times, and how we can go from being functional to nearly non-functional very quickly. I've kept my visits brief and some days he hardly acknowledged me at all. I'm a fairly stoic and not prone to "over emotion", but my body has been telling me it is stressful, even if my mind is not overwhelmed - I feel tired.

I really really don't want to be doing this shit at all, not out of lack of compassion, but because I'm just not in the right space to be doing so. Effectively my dad will need a carer if he ends up being imobile, and a lot of things will have to happen to re-adjust his living circumstances. I'll do what I can do, but I absolutely refuse to be his carer in any way, I had enough of that shit with my mum for too long. He'll go into a home kicking and screaming if it comes to it, and he'll pay for it out of his money. 

So for the foreseeable next few weeks I'm stuck in cold wet Dublin. I should be thankful, back home there are problems with the water supply and thousands of homes are without water, probably including mine, some problem with the water treatment works. The universe works in mysterious ways, and it's fucking annoying.

Diary out.

[LastThursday]

In the semi-light I stumble. Through the dimness I make out wooden floating stairs leading up. Above a breathing presence, barely there. I stand still a moment straining to hear. I shouldn't have entered. I feel forward and grab a step, feeling its solidness in my grip. In that way I fumble my way round to the bottom and begin to climb. Movement stirs above, but my feet continue despite me. I suddenly stop half way up, as the bright full moon peaks through the blinds and casts my breathing shadow on the wall opposite. I breathe deeply. Should I go? No harm done, just a figment of an imagination. Taking another step up, I am level with the floor above, and automatically push myself on my toes to see. Nothing but sombre darkness. No sound except my clenched breath. Do I say something? I continue looking up all the while, until I'm at the top. My eyes slowly adjust. A large bed sits squarely in the middle of the upper floor, covers strewn wildly. I can barely breathe. Below me the stairs are illuminated in pale moonlight. I take a single step towards the bed arms out groping for an answer. I misjudge the edge of the bed and fall face forward into enveloping softness. I lay very still in embarrassment and in fear, arms and legs out, face down. Suddenly I feel a warm rhythmic breath on the back of my neck. I yank my head round to see what it is. It touches my lips with a single finger in a motion of silence. "I've been waiting".

 

[LastThursday]

Just get it out Guillermo.

I continue to be in Dublin and having to sort out things for my dad, whilst he is still in hospital. He's due to be moved to another hospital for rehabilitation for his mobility. As it stands there is no way that he can live by himself. The hope is that he recovers enough mobility to be able to do that, but even before he went into hospital he was borderline, and was struggling to think clearly and keep on top of things. Saying that, he's a lot more compos mentis that even before he went into hospital. My dad's always been a dreamer and getting him to be practical and pragmatic is a real effort. Getting him to help himself is even harder. Your parents bring you up and then they turn into children and you become their parent.

I really just want to go home and to stop having my dad as the focus of all my attention, it feels artificial and unnatural. And I want to stop living in his flat by myself. Why is it me that's on the hook for his care? Don't my siblings give a shit? Why does his own brother not give a damn? And for the love of god why don't the hospital find him a place for rehab, being in limbo is slowly killing me. The last few weeks has felt like months.

Over and out.

[LastThursday]

More random stuff from @LastThursday please bear with me, loading...

Tom boy

A-Ha on CD repeat

Out of Blue Comes Green

Auburn hair

Lulu

Short hair

Excitable

Stripey Tights

Stick insect

Milton Keynes Bowl

Was Not Was

Big watches

Sexual exploration

Innocent love

Jealousy

Crying

Kabooey

Gillygogs

Running round and round

Weightlifting

In bed kissing all day

T'Pau: China in Your Hand

1988

Wet T-shirt, yikes

Summer high jinx

Shooting GF's brother with air gun (oops)

Soul II Soul

Crow (Lindsey!)

Kissin' on a bench

Empty tube trains home

The Venue: clubbing and dry ice

Fool's Gold

Barrowboy (f**k him)

Garry (f**k him)

KFC Chicken Burger ...

South Kensington

Sick (original) parquet flooring

Encyclopedia Brittanica (Fourier Transforms!)

Fish tanks

Curry and Coca Cola (bliss)

Frisky Bull Dogs

Glow in the Dark Stars

Gladiators

The Twilight Zone

The Nuns of Monza (!)

The Lost Boys

9.5 Weeks

St Etienne: Only can love break your heart

Gladiators Go!

Apple IIgs

Airheart

Bard's Tale (mega printout colouring in felt tip forever)

Spinning 8-bit wireframes A-ha cubes

Jangling keys opening schools at six o'clock (nearly killed me)

Mopping floors

Hydrochloric Acid  + urinals

Super Dodgy Woodpecker council estates

Drunken taxis 

Getting mugged

Getting to know my mugger

Walking home for two miles

Getting away from home

Network 7

The James Whale Show

Get Stuffed!

Impromptu naked duvet discovery (and nearly misapproriating an illegal cherry)

Nosey sisters

Officious ginger brother

The Dew Drop Inn

Close to Me: Cure

15 going on 16

Unbearable holiday wait

Will you go out with me?

Green chequed shirts

Drainpipe grey jeans

Basketball shoes

Have my cherised calculator (supernerd)

New girlfriend meet old girlfriend

Baggy happy acid hoodies

Paisley shirts!! (I loved them)

Hi Tec Badminton

[LastThursday]

The saga with my dad continues, he is still in hospital but due for imminent discharge. He's still very weak but at least able to dress and bathe himself now. He won't have anyone at home after discharge, albeit for one day perhaps. I'm back in the UK (thank god), but I'm very concerned for him. I could have stayed, but that would have been for an indefinite amount of time, and I had to draw a line in the sand somewhere. I feel bad for doing it, but also hugely relieved. Selfishly I have to look out for myself first, otherwise the stress and worry will make me ill and/or make me unable to help my dad in the longer term. At some point he will probably need to go into home, especially if he loses any more mobility.

His flatmate (she only temporarily stays there and can't look after him long term), is a nightmare. She's very domineering, combative and only thinks about getting her own way, and is completely dictating how the situation should be handled, and my dad is too soft to stand up to her. I for one don't want to deal with her too much, I need time to think and plan and not be consantly hounded - she has caused me more stress in the last three weeks than my dad's condition has. Effectively, the situation is simple, he either goes home and largely copes by himself or he doesn't and goes into a home - all this extra drama and hysteria is completely unwarranted.

My sister pointed out that both his flatmate and my dad have not really planned or thought about this eventually at all. The flatmate runs a business with him also, and there's about 35 years between them. It was obvious that at some point my dad may get ill or infirm and that would be it. So, in effect I'm in the middle of it picking up the pieces and fielding communications left right and centre.

I think my dad will just about cope with living at home, and it will get easier over time as he regains his strength after lying in bed for three weeks. And if so, that my dad will seriously consider his options, he still has his faculties thankfully.

[LastThursday]

It's been a blessed relief to finally get home and resume normality. I've visited friends, and got proper sleep, and eating food I'm used to, and back in my own environment. 

In the end I simply had to ignore my Dad's flatmate (see previous post). I felt bad and childish for doing so, like I could have handled the situation in a more adult way (by asserting boundaries), but it was too much and she needed to get the message. We also had a family meeting online - at my instigation - between us siblings and my Dad, which helped me vent and make them all realise this wasn't all on me. I was super relieved when my Dad said he would spend Christmas with his flatmate and boyfriend - he wouldn't be by coping by himself at his most vulnerable - but also, I'm sure, he would talk things over with his flatmate and calm her down.

Unfortunately, my Dad has a tendency not to plan anything but expects people to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. He also has this "rabbit in the headlights" approach to stress and challenging situations. It's a pattern my Dad's brother finds intolerable and he has largely washed his hands of him because of that. It's a shame because he lives relatively close to my Dad and could have helped him quite a lot more. Having got to know my uncle a lot more in the last few weeks, I realise that I'm extremely like him in many ways. My Dad is an eccentric bloke in a lot of ways and deals with life in odd ways, and has unconventional beliefs - my uncle is like the more everday "normal" version of my Dad.

My Dad will go back home today, and I'm hoping that he just plans for his future and begins to have a stronger and more proactive approach to his health and wellbeing. I sound like a corporate manager. Of course, he'll do no such thing, but I'm secretly hoping that this spell in hospital has frightened him enough to take some bloody action for himself. I'm hoping I don't have to deal with more shit.

Anyway, more normal stuff today. Visiting a friend in London and the skies are blue. But first, breakfast.

[LastThursday]

Motivation is hard.

It's shouldn't be a surprise how much being ill can affect your mental state. I've had a head cold since the end of last year and it's dragged. Today is probably the first day where I don't feel too bad. I know enough to know that all the symptoms I feel: migranes, head and neck ache, copious mucus, trouble swallowing, lethargy, brain fog, sleepiness, are all caused by my body's reaction to the virus or bacterium, not by the things themselves. 

The question then arises, why is my body sabotaging me so much and for so long? It's a combination of things. But the main thrust of my idea is that these symptoms are strongly negative motivators, they are very hard to ignore. For example, I feel lethargic because being still and not using up energy is precisely what my body needs to pour resources (energy) into overcoming the infection instead. But why trouble swallowing? Because my throat is sabotaging the infection's ability to take hold in the moist warm environment that it likes, it takes away the moistness and makes it dry and scratchy, it inflames the area and floods it with histamine and heats it up so that my body's own cells go into overdrive and kill off the infection.

Notice how good the body is at (anti) motivating you just when you need it. The symptoms of disease have largely nothing to do with the disease itself, it's all your body. Only in cases where the disease causes outright bodily damage is it different.

How amazing would it be if the body actually positively motivated you? What would this look like?

I think you only have to look at how most children are: running around expending vast amounts of energy, exploring the world, making up realities and getting to know how to be human, exploring themselves and experimenting in the world. Now imagine the adult version of that.

But who do you know that is like that? Nearly no one. Everyone seems locked into their particular life circumstances and everyone seems to be suffering one way or another. A lot of that suffering is exactly like the symptoms of disease. Subconsciously, your energy and vitality are being sabotaged by your body, mostly enacted via your mental state. But what is the disease exactly? It's a whole plethora of factors, including nutrition, exercise, sleep, level of connection with others, the social matrix, the grind of work, stress responses to money and status and obligations. All of which mostly occur with adulthood.

It's like we have a chronic illness but we just don't realise it. It's only when we begin to dig into ourselves with self-help and spirituality that we realise what's up. Some amount of mental re-programming and awareness can help alleviate the symptoms of our suffering. Understanding what humans need: sleep, good food, movement, the support of others, can also help. But ultimately the "disease" is systemic in the way we're plugged into society at large. And largely there is no escaping it, because our body's symptoms sabotage our attempts at escape. And society also doesn't want us to escape.

Masking the symptoms ultimately doesn't help rid us of the disease. Only awareness and very strong motivation can do it.

Edited January 12 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I thought I'd talk about Chess.

When I was a kid my grandparents had many board games and we would often play them when me and my sister stayed with them. One of the was Chess, and that was my grandad's game. I was facinated by the little characters of the pieces, but I was six years old, and my grandparents must have thought it was too complicated for me. A few years later my dad showed me how to set up the pieces and the moves. I was hungry to play games, but by dad unfortunately was disinterested. There were probably after school clubs for Chess, but I was never very proactive as a teenager. And so I never played chess again for decades, and after only then very rarely. 

But a few years ago I realised that I could actually play online for free. I also introduced a friend of mine and we've become addicts. We rarely play each other however, since my friend had a lot more practice as a kid and so has a good headstart on me.

What makes Chess so good? I think it's a near perfect balance of piece movement, mechanics, and initial piece placement. 

Here's a little explainer.

Movements are essentially either along the straights or the diagonals. Some pieces have long range movements and some short range. That creates a kind of tension whereby you have two different strategies at play. Long range movements are powerful because they cover and "see" large parts of the board, short range movements require creativity to make the most of them. So you both have to maximise and keep track of powerful moves, but also creatively use incremental advances.

Chess mostly works by threat. If a piece can potentially move to a square, it effectively guards it, if your opponent's piece is on that square then it is fair game and can be "taken" or removed from the board. That is except for pawns that only go forwards one square, but can only take diagonally. This is genius because pawns can "reinforce" and protect each other by occupying diagonal squares to each other: a pawn chain.

What should a pawn do once it has advanced all the way to the other end of the board? Chess allows it to be promoted to any other piece the player wants, usually the most powerful piece: the Queen. So there is a strong incentive as the game continues to get pawns to the other side and that means protecting them as much as possible. Pawns also make effective "shields" against powerful pieces.

Indeed, at the start of the game, pawns shield all of the more powerful pieces. This is also genius, as they effectively force the player to be creative in unleashing their powerful pieces, as they have to get out from behind their own pawn wall. There are many strategies for doing this and these are called openings. There a hundreds of standard openings that give you advantage in different ways.

Chess also works by protection. You can threaten to take your opponent's piece, but your opponent can also reinforce that piece with another: if you take a piece, they can take your attacking piece in retaliation with another piece. That tension of threat and protection creates a kind of matrix of protection throughout the game. Each player aims to exploit holes in the other player's protection matrix. Protection can be many levels deep, and indeed a piece can be protected with multiple other pieces. But you can also have multiple threats on the same piece. One aim of Chess is to calculate what happens if you play tit-for-tat and whether it is to your advantage.

The aim of Chess is to checkmate your opponent's King. That means to directly threaten the King in such a way that the King can't move away from the threat.  The King is a short range piece, so that means you must protect it at all times as more powerful pieces can easily get to the King. Protecting the King is done by blocking using other pieces, usually pawns. As the game progresses and pieces are taken off the board, the players' Kings have less and less options for protection and so checkmate is more likely. So again there is a tension between trying to remove as many of your opponent's pieces as possible, but also looking for opportunities to checkmate as quickly as possible. It may be possible to checkmate early in a game because too much protection restricts the King's movements. Again there is a perfect balance here.

Knights are very interesting in that they are short range pieces, but can jump over blocking pieces. They also have an unusual L shaped movement of two squares across and one along. This means they are able to jump into positions that other pieces can't and that gives them power. They are generally considered to be worth nearly the same as a Bishop which is a long range piece. 

Rooks are stuck in the corners to start but are very mobile once out as they're another long range piece. They go along the straights and can get to any square on the board. But they tend to come out late in a game, because of castling. This is a relationship they have with the King whereby they swap positions so that the King can be better protected. Castling requires space between the Rook and King, and also that neither the Rook or the King have been moved so far. There are two Rooks in each corner for each player, so castling can happen in either direction. This also allows Rooks the space to get out from the corners, but to leave the corner pawns where they are so that they can protect the King after castling - genius.

Bishops are always restricted to diagonals, and the checkquerboard pattern of black and white squares means that each Bishop is confined to a particular colour of square. A player has two Bishops and each on a different colour to start. Because pawns form chains on diagonals, and these will all fall on the same colour square (say a chain of pawns on a black diagonal), then a Bishop may be unable to attack these pawns if it is on a different colour. This can matter greatly in the latter part of a game, and one tactic is to maneouvre pawns so that they can be attacked by an opponent Bishop.

Lastly Queens are the most powerful piece on the board, and have complete freedom to go either on straights or diagonal and are long range. However there is only one Queen per player. Most checkmate positions happen with a Queen and some other piece. However, Queens are often removed mid-game and normally by the opposing Queen. Once this happens you are past the mid-game stage and into an end game. 

In end games, the pieces are a lot more open and less protected (because most pieces have been removed), but there is a lot more freedom of movement. Most end games will have some Rooks and Pawns still on the board. The power of Pawns is crucial in and end game to allow you to "win back" powerful pieces by getting them to the other side and promoting them. Indeed, you can end up with multiple Queens, and these can be unstopable.

In all Chess is a seriously good game, and has enough rules and quirks to sustain a lot of "tension" or "balance" between the players. It also forces players to use lots of tactics and strategy to gain advantage. And its freeform style of movement means that there's no limit to how skillful you can be in it. It is a truly great game.

[LastThursday]

I thought I would talk about emotional pain.

I feel lucky to have only experienced long and lasting emotional pain a handful of times in my life. That may seem like schadenfreude, but I've got eyes and ears enough to know that people have experienced immense and intense pains in their lives, and that mine are insignificant in comparison. 

I'm talking about the sort of pain that never really leaves you, despite the constant erosion of it by time and by reason and by experience. 

All my pains are about separation from people I loved and who I felt safe with and supported by, and who at the time didn't think they would let me be separated from them. 

The strongest pains linger from childhood. But I've written about all of them in one form or another in this journal, so I'll keep it brief-ish. Really I'm writing this so I stop hiding from the pain and stop pretending it doesn't hurt me. And, to remind myself to keep myself honest.

My father leaving my mother all those decades ago has created a strong sense of being untethered deep in my soul. I see families and wished that that was me, and yet I'm unable to form my own new family and bring myself closure. Whatever was damaged then, is still haunting me now. When I had various therapies, it was worked out that I felt unlovable. I think all that bad stuff that other people heaped on me over time convinced me of this, but not consciously. And, even though I now know it consciously, and I know I'm loved through reason, my heart is still unloved. I was betrayed by my parents, both of them selfish in their own particular ways.

I've written about my first girlfriend on here, and how painful that split was. We were 17 and 16, so young. I was effectively adopted by her family of two sisters and a brother. And, for a while I had a family I would spend more time with than my own. Even after the split her dad took me out for my first drink in a pub at 18. John made a better father than my own did. He gave me a job and I earned good money. They fed me and let me sleep there, when they could have easily said: go home. But, I never did see E much from then on. I went to university and saw her one more time, but not since. I've met her brother, nearly once every ten years since, but he isn't in contact with her. Even now I dream of her and her family still. Their kindness and down-to-earth approach to life is still deep in my psyche.

When university ended I felt cast adrift again. I had all the trappings of adulthood, a girlfriend, a decent job, and a degree. But university was the first place where I really felt I belonged. I was and am still an intellectual type and I was surrounded by people that were as smart if not smarter, and definitely harder working than me. At first it was hard to face not being the smartest guy around, but I soon learned to love being with people who were also smart. I really felt I belonged for the first time in my life, and didn't feel out of place or disconnected. And it was just so much goddam fun and freeing. I felt loved. But, I knew it would come to an end, and it would come soon enough. At first I just felt relieved at not having to study bloody engineering any more, but as time passed I felt that wrench. I knew that something truly special had finished and would never return. I still feel that pain of having had something I loved and having to let it pass out of my hands.

My most recent pain I've written a post: What was the hardest choice in your life?

57 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

The hardest decision I made was to be honest about a long term relationship I was in. My whole life was set up around being with this person and for the longest time I resisted facing up to the fact I no longer loved her. And then one day it happened, she asked me, and I said the words. She found a new partner, I found a new partner, but my boat had sailed, and I had to go and reinvent myself, find new friends and a new life, whilst she stayed ashore.

At least this choice was in my hands. But I knew even before I had even uttered the words "I don't love you", that this was a major shift about to happen. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that it would be hard. I tried to hold on to my friends and my life as I had it. In fact that girlfriend was the one I had throughout university. Over the course of more than ten years, we'd built everything up together, and I knew deep down that holding it together after us breaking up wasn't going to be possible. I had another girlfriend and another three years, but the writing was on the wall, and when I split from her, I realised my friends hadn't been there for me all that time and they weren't there for me then either. They were fairweather friends. But I still feel the pain of separation from that life I built up and from them.

Edited Monday at 09:45 PM by LastThursday