Life Purpose, Gambling and Trust

[Sareth]

Hi guys,

I’ve been through quite a tough year emotionally and financially. I have a gambling addiction that has caused me to lose the trust of my family and my girlfriend. Though they still stand by my side they don’t know that I am in deep debt, having a 10k € credit and red numbers on my bank account and credit cards. Also, due to Corona my company sent me in a kind of payed vacation where I get 60% of my normal wage which can just about cover my expenses.

 

I have recently graduated with a B.Sc. in Computer Science. Specifically media informatics. I did this because I wanted a blend of design and technical stuff since I am not the typical IT nerd but also need some creativity and to see the fruits of my labor rather than just working in the background.

 

I have a job in Frontend Web Development Right now. It’s fun but it has no deeper meaning to me. Before I worked as a working student for a company in the Blockchain Department, because I am really interested in decentralized technology like Bitcoin and Ethereum. But I couldn’t cope with my boss so I left and the jobs in this field are quite rare, also being not that deeply technical I was a little overwhelmed by the difficulty and I am also struggling to see real world applications for this technology besides the obvious - Bitcoin as decentralized store of value.

 

I am searching for my vocation but am struggling still. I am more a right brain thinker. Creative, chaotic, emotional. But I am also very good at learning and logical thinking which makes me a good programmer. Though I still feel overwhelmed by all the new technologies and new stuff I have to learn every day.

 

I also have social anxiety and that makes it hard for me to work with people. I have no confidence in myself but try to work on it through meditation and personal self work. But this effort is hindered by the fact that I keep lying to the ones I love because I make the same mistake over and over again , the gambling.

 

It is also impossible to get a treatment here in Germany, all psychiatrics have at least one year waiting lists, and in COVID 19 Now it’s impossible anyway. 

BUT I try to treat myself.

 

I will never give up but I need to find a purpose in life to get over the need to gamble to fill the emptiness inside.

 

I did the Life Purpose Course but without real result so far. Here are my values: 

 

- Freedom

- Passion

- Love

- Equality

- Growth

- Creativity 

- Empathy

- Mindfulness

- Truth

- Responsibility 
 

I am sympathetic for anarchism and anarcho-capitalism as well as Austrian Economics. I want everyone to have the same chances and to be treated fairly and equal, but also for everyone to have the chance to find their vocation and express their uniqueness. I am super nice to everyone but also have emotional aggressive outbursts especially when I’m drunk and deeply buried guilt and bad memories come to light. 
 

I am also an awesome writer, have great language skills in written word though not in spoken. I always wanted to write a novel full of passionate people and touching other people’s hearts but I don’t like to read fiction so it seems not true to me. I like coding and problem solving but don’t like to think to technical but rather from a more holistic or human / practical kind of view.

 

i think that coding is the right path for me but there is nothing to strive for right now. I need to find my impact.

 

what advice do you have for me ? 
 

Thanks in advance. Stay healthy and strong. 

Edited April 11, 2020 by Sareth

[Thought Art]

(I read it and I understand. Just noting you looking for psychiatrist) Try doing some research and see if you can afford one of the many online therapy sessions that are available!

Good luck on your journey. 

[Average Investor]

You are learning about some cutting tech by being in the blockchain industry. If I were in your position I would try to become a freelance for companies looking to develop blockchain protocols seeing as most of your values would align with that, but you will know what feels right. You can also consider making your own blockchain. There is plenty of money in that field. Yes, there was a larger boom and bust cycle, but there is a lot of potential usage in ones like ethereum. Not to mention there is attractiveness for companies to get involved with it. More and more I see mainstream investors picking up a bit of interest in even BTC. Things like ETFs and credible investment brokers carrying crypto related products will really help bring more interest and money into that market into the future. I highly suggest you read through Andreas Antonopoulos's work.

I highly suggest you try to take control of your gambling addiction first before you worry about much else. It sounds like that is something that really needs your attention most. Leo has some really good videos regarding addictions to look into.